Sermons of Rebuke III: Nasso

by Rivka Schwartz

Announcements
Please show up for Kaddish. First Kaddish on Shabbat is at 9am. Kiddish is at 11:30am. Though you may have to hear a joke from Mervin when eating Kichel, Kiddish is not suppposed to be part of the mourning process.

We're going to be installing our congregants. We understand that each person needs the Kavod of an instillation to show up to Minyin. We will install whatever you need by your seats, to make it comfortable for you to be in shul. We will even install a new AV system so you can enjoy a decent film during Davening. Just be there for Kaddish.
 
The rabbi kept track of who didn't show for Shiva. He knows who you are and you will not get Aliyahs.
To be clear Shiva times are all day. That means all day. That means you won't get a an invitation. The rabbi is mourning. You show up and comfort him. He has requested that Mervin not tell any jokes, as he is already going through a lot.
 
The fundraiser raised $300K. Thanks to your donations we can now purchase the new light bulbs for the sanctuary.
 
We forgot to announce Mother's Day. Now they know who truly cares.
Call you mothers now. If we have to tell you to call your mother, there is an issue. The rabbi can't call his mom. Maybe you should stop by his house for Shiva.

Rabbi Mendelchem Sermon Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
Nasso. Carried. Escorted. How you bury somebody... We count in this week's Parsha. You can't count your mother when she is not in this physical world.

So here you are. You haven't shown up to my house for Shiva... It's good to know you care about Kiddish. If I had Kichel to celebrate my Mom's death, you would come. I am sorry we didn't have a decent enough spread at the Shiva... Well. The membership never learned to provide mourners with food... I've been eating canned peas and TV dinners all week... I didn't think of becoming a chef at my Mom's Shiva... Then people would come.

If we stopped doing Kiddish, you wouldn't show for shul. Nobody would be able to say Kaddish... Because there wouldn't be Kiddish, Sadie... You forget the past. You forget community. You forget to visit your rabbi when he's sitting Shiva...

There are requirements. Things you do, as they are important. Holy. You would expect...
The Levites were counted from thirty to fifty. Not from twenty. It is holy work. You don't let teenagers lead in Shacharit... These teenagers Daven too slow, Mark. And you don't ask teens to make Shiva food... One kid delivered a pizza. It was half hour late. Ever had room temperature pizza...
You wonder why the army is so messed up.

Carrying the Mishkan is holy work... That's the Tabernacle. I'll give you a list of words you should know, Shlomo. One of them is Shiva. It's when you pay respects and comfort the living family members... It's in a house. Not the Tabernacle. Kohens are a whole other story... ​
The Levite physical work of carrying the Mishkan could've been done when they were twenty. However, it is holy. And thus, you have to be a bit older. This is why we don't trust our kids with decorating the sanctuary. Balloons??!!! It looks like a pinata... That's supposed to be the Ner Tamid...

A shul has to focus on its elders. Spiritual happens when you're older. Look at Max. He used to be a heretic. Now he comes to shul... I know it was for Kaddish. This shul needs to focus more on death... Not Kiddish. Kaddish.

It's about keeping things in place. Making sure we connect...
(Bamidbar 4:32) Rashi ' There were pegs and ropes for the bottom of the curtains and the hangings so that the wind should not lift them up.'
You don't have balloons flying around the shul, all up in the ceiling. You hold things down. Roots. Old people. You respect them. You listen to Mervin's jokes. You eat Kichel. You show up to Shiva...
Do I still have to explain what all day means? Does anybody celebrate Shiva not during 3 and 4pm... Zoom??? It's not a video. We're not putting together a film. It's not a Zoom event. It's a Shiva. For the sake of...
You don't have to be thirty to go to a Shiva house. Though. It would be nice if the thirty-year-olds took upon themselves the holy task of visiting during Shiva... Even if there wasn't a decent spread. Bernie... Even if they're not Leviim.
That's the lesson. The being older and more mature. Doing holy stuff... Yes. I am saying that everybody can do holy stuff... Not in the Temple... If I had a better membership, I could give an example. I am sorry Vicky.

(Bamidbar 4:32) 'You shall designate by name the implements charged to them for their burden.' When it comes to holy tasks, you designate. Otherwise, you end up with a pinata as your Ner Tamid. Without designating, you end up with three hundred thousand dollar light bulbs. And you end up with no food for Shiva...
Your designated task is to visit your rav...

Rivka's Rundown
That was a dark sermon.
Most of the membership didn't catch the difference between Kiddish and Kaddish. At one point, Ethel was trying to figure out why they weren't serving rugulach during Kaddish.

And nobody visited the rabbi for his last two days of Shiva.
Our whole congregation is COVID stupid. They don't understand what 'all the time' means. Ever since Zoom and COVID Shiva is only during times. Half hour Shiva slots. The office had to answer calls every five minutes, 'If it's all the time, then what time do we go?'

The rabbi kept track of the Shiva no-shows. Good for him. He's going to save a lot of money on wedding gifts.

The rabbi skipped everything this week. Even after Shiva. I guess mourning takes longer than seven days.
He is now praying for a Minyin, so he can say Kaddish. The shul should designate people to pray. A bunch of heretics in our shul. The rabbi is right. We need more people saying Kaddish.

People felt like they got scammed in the fundraiser. 300k for light bulbs. The president of the board has been accused of siphoning the funds.

I forgot Mother's Day. None of my kids called.

Our shul has kids doing too much. Decorating the synagogue with streamers and balloons for Shavuot was messed up. This is why you need older people for holy activities. If the older people weren't lazy, we might have had flowers for Shavuot. Maybe they would visit for Shiva too.
Have you ever seen a young person at a Shiva? It's awkward. You've got to focus on the young person. ‘How do we make them feel comfortable when Mom and Dad just went to Olam Haba???’ Got to see the kid, as if we’re ruining their day. They're itching to run to the mall with their friends. If they miss the sale, that will kill them. Maybe it's the jumpy house they're running to.

They actually put a TV screen by Shlomo's seat. He gets a notice when it's time to answer Kaddish.
Three hundred thousand dollars for light bulbs?! I have a feeling these non-profits are scamming us. And they didn't even put names on the light bulbs.

The rabbi vowed to teach the membership of the congregation to purchase bagels and lox, and to bring it to a Shiva house. To quote the rabbi, 'Topeka is not a great place to sit Shiva.'
He also said that any thirty-year-old should be fine purchasing lox. If they can't handle and eat lox by that age, they are not Jewish. That's what the rabbi said.

The rabbi convinced the board to focus on death. He explained that people donate money for dead people.
The rabbi said that the new chapter of the shul is to stop focusing on the kids and to focus on death, for the capital campaign. Now the shul has started a calendar campaign with Alav HaShalom pictures, and a death committee.

The rabbi just wants to make Topeka a great place to sit Shiva. A Shiva destination. He purchased Shiva recliner chairs. Many families can't wait to sit.