A Good Jewish Dad

by Rabbi David

Eugene Levy. A good Frum Tate. (Credit: Wikimedia Commons)

What makes a good Jewish Dad. That is what we will discuss this Father's Day. We are not focusing on what you will get from your kids. They will give you nothing. And as a dad, they don't even clean the dishes for you. That's reserved for Mother's Day. Moms get clean dishes. 
Here are some things a good Frum Jewish dad does.

Taking the Kids Out to Eat
That's what they care about. Food. Food and amusement parks. They don't need you. They need pizza and Italian ices. And they need the flume log ride. And they need you waiting with the towel. That's essential to Jewish childhood rearing. Watching your kids enjoy themselves and guarding their towel. And to tell them things are too high, and to watch out when walking because you can hurt yourself.

Sending The Kids to Jewish Day School
Going broke on your children is paramount to Jewish dadship. You don't send your kids to public school. You send them to a school where they can learn Torah, because it costs a lot. This is why you send the kids to camp and go on winter vacation to Florida with the whole family. If your child costs less than 50K a year, you're raising a heretic who doesn't love Yiddishkeit.

A Good Look of Guilt
You want to be able to make your kids feel like they're sinning at all times. Anything they do, they should feel like they did it wrong.  That is how you make good Jews.
Every time you look at them, shake your head in disappointment. That'll keep them in the fold and not enjoying themselves. That will also keep them just nervous enough to look Jewish.
No Jewish child should ever feel like they prepared for a Chag correctly. Even after you sent them to Jewish day school, they should always be questioning the amount of Charoset they prepared. They should never feel like they used enough walnuts. That's how Jewish kids, raised correctly, enjoy Pesach.

Don't Hit Your Kids
That's it. That's all you really have to do to be a good dad. 

Unconditional Love
Make sure the kids know you love them, but not as much as you love Gd. Let them know the importance of Yiddishkeit. 'It's bedtime, but I have to be at Maariv. You're on your own.'

Teach the Kids to Swim
It's Halacha to teach your children to swim, because we know they will not turn out to be decent athletes. This way, at least they can get some exercise with the retirees at the JCC.
There is no Jewish law to teach kids how to play basketball. You don't teach them other sports unless if it's floor hockey. You let them play in what is known as Yeshiva Leagues, so that they feel they have a chance to become a professional floor hockey player.

Take them to The Mountains
It's just what Jews do. You take your kids to a hot place with no air-conditioning, so that they will learn to appreciate the house when you get back to New York. 
If you don't have a bungalow, you're not raising Jews.

Don't educate your kids on Kibud Av vEim. They'll hate you. If you want your kids to love you and to be good Jews, don't teach them Torah. Show them where to find choolante on Thursday nights. And yell. Whatever you do, yell a lot. You want your house to feel like a home.
If you don't hit your kids, you've done your job. That's all you really have to do.