Torah Stuff That Offends the Kids Nowadays

by Rivka Schwartz

Those are millennials. You can see by the way they're sitting in a circle and talking. They're learning Torah and smiling. Definitely millennials. They’re coming up with new commentaries. People who sit in circles create new ideas... And they're sitting on couches. Millennials learn in libraries, on couches, and they try to look like Herzl, who they think is a rabbi too… I truly hope AI gets better so that not everybody looks like a bird person.

All of the Torah. All of it offends them. With that said...
I went to a class this week about relationships in the Torah. That wasn't a good idea. The rabbi didn't think about how much Torah can turn people off to Torah. Anything about relationships is offensive to the kids. The rabbi should have just quoted The Giving Tree. The young ones would've been offended by people using the tree, but they wouldn't have blamed God for it.
I have seen that modern day people can't hear Torah stuff mixed with the modern day. They will be offended. Let's call these annoying members of the congregation that are offended, millennials, or Michael and his friends.
These are Torah statements I have heard, what I saw, and some of the reactions of millennials.

Man has to Provide Food, Clothing and Marital Relations To His Wife
Millennial Thoughts: This is offensive. Women don't need men for families. They can feed themselves too. They have hands. Men should provide nothing. They shouldn't have wives. Marriage is offensive. Torah is offensive. Families are offensive. Can’t believe they had families back then.

Be Fruitful and Multiply
Millennial Thoughts: We are killing the environment. And how do people breed fruit? I heard the stork story, but nobody births an apple.
Millennial Thoughts: Now you are saying women need kids too. Offensive.

Men Make More Money Than Woman
This offends them too. It's a fact. And facts are offensive, even if they're not in the Torah. Don't mention facts. You have to argue against them without talking about them, or you will offend the children.
You mention this fact, they are offended. You say you are against this, they're still mad at you. If you say, 'Men shouldn't make more money,' they are offended. Why? I don't know. It happened at Kiddish.
Millennial Thoughts: Don't share any Torah or facts with me, until you change them.

Slave
Millennial Thoughts: You're not allowed to say 'slave.' 'Servant' is offensive too. You say 'butler.' They're butlers that didn't get paid, and were not allowed to leave their masters.

Slavery
They hear the word 'slavery' and conversation is over. They skip that part of the Torah. Forget about the whys and hows of a Jewish slave. Skip Shemot.
Millennial Thoughts: This offends me. No idea why, but I am offended. Things were not different back then, so please don't talk about slavery anymore. I am going to skip Pesach this year.

Father Sells His Daughter to Slavery
Between us, I have seen these single millennials. I am not pro-slavery. I am against slavery. However, if dads were selling their daughters, it would be a lot easier for people to meet. It would solve the Shidduch crisis.
Millennial Thoughts: Mothers should sell their children to slavery... Why do dads get to sell their children? I don't care if it turns into marriage, or that we don't do it anymore, it offends me.

Yitzchak Was Forty, Rivka Was Three
The kids can't accept that times have changed. They still don't know that people used to drive station wagons.
The fact that people were riding camels back then, for transportation, doesn't phase them. They believe Avraham had a decent sewer system and electricity.
They are taught everything in century twenty-one terms. The think the Crusaders flew first class and went through security check. TSA confiscated their pocket knives. Then they went in to kill the Jews.
Millennial Thoughts: She should've been sold to slavery. And I am offended.

Anything in Bereishit
Teach anything in Bereishit and they are offended.
Millennial Thoughts: We did not come from Adam. Did a man write the Torah? Not the point. We don't come from women either. Is God a man or a woman... He has to be one of those. If He isn't, I don't get it. And I am offended.

Yaakov Had Four Wives
Two, four. Whatever you want to call it. Back then. Men had more than one wife.
Millennial Thoughts: No he didn't... Well. That is disgusting... In Jordan, it's fine. That's their society. That doesn't offend me. What bothers me is that they did it three thousand years ago. Torah offends me and wives are offensive.

Concubines
Oh shoot. Never say that.

Shemot
Don't teach them about consequences. Consequences offend them too.
Millennial Thoughts: If I knock out an eye, I shouldn't be responsible for that. It was their eye. Consequences offend me.

If You Damage Something You Have to Pay For It
But it was an accident. You hit somebody else and they die, means you have to give them another chance, to these kids.
Millennial Thoughts: Accountability is offensive. If they burn down somebody's house, let them know to not doing it again. If you let people know to not do it again, that is enough.

Men and Women Have Different Roles
Oh! No!

Men Don't Give Birth
They should.

Men Should Pay for the Date
That's chauvinistic. 

Men Shouldn't Pay for the Date
How dare you say that.

You Should Get Married
'I can do this by myself. I don't need a man.'

You Should Do What You Want
'I need to get married. I can't find a good man.'

Men Are Attracted To Looks
Never start anything with this statement. The modern day men are not attracted to anything. 
The whole 'beauty of appearance' of Sarah, and Rachel, and Tziporah, and every other good looking woman in the Torah, we've got to nix that stuff. At least it should only mean beauty of the soul. That had beautiful souls. Our forefathers were attracted to good looking souls.
Millennial Thoughts: I am offended. The cartoon depiction of Tziporah and Miriam in Prince of Egypt is offensive. Good looking caricatures. I am offended.

Conclusion
Don't mention the word 'Torah' to anybody under the age of 40. It offends them.
Don't teach Torah to millennials. The ones in my shul are too dumb to understand that servitude used to be something.
We need a Judaism that is not based on Torah to teach. No Torah is the only way to draw the millennial closer to Judaism. Any Torah will offend the millennial. We need Judaism without Torah. 
If you change the Torah, they can connect with it. Take out the people and all relationships from the Torah. That will make it a better, non-offensive reading.
If we need the Torah for the kids,  skip the text and just tell the stories about how Yaakov's children got along. We need to create something about how Avraham was really Sarah and Sarah was Avraham. They are really the same person. That will make it good. 

The young ones in my should would love their tradition if it wasn't for the Torah.