Sermon of Rebuke: Shoftim

by Rivka Schwartz

There was a lot of business going on in the community this week. A lot of garage sales. A lot of wheeling and dealing. People getting rid of stuff. Some deals were crazy. One shul member bought a Chanukiah for $3. She overpaid. Nobody buys anything for more than $2 at the local garage sales. You've got to go to Wichita to find big spenders like that.
They asked $2.50 on the couch. The people at the sale were not happy with that. They settled on the leather L shape couch, with the recliner and pull-out bed, for a buck. The hosts of the garage sale, the Mintzkowitzes, the ones whose home it was, were happy with the dollar they made on the couch. They were moving and I think they were trying to find a way for other people to get their trash out of the house, before having to call Garbonzo. Garbonzo is a company that comes in, takes your stuff and charges you.
They did tell everybody it was a shul fundraiser. I think they sold less because of that.
 
Had a Shul games night. What was that? That should have been one of the questions. Nobody knew who donated the Aron Kodesh, the ark. The questions about shul history really messed up the fundraising program that year.
 
Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon
 
Shabbat Shalom My Dear Congregants...
You all have the same Yarmulkes. It’s not a rule. Not a law… Bar Mitzvah is over... You’re worried you’ll lose them? It’s not a family trip. You could've bought hundreds of Bar Mitzvah Yarmulkes at the Mintzkowitz garage sale... Yes. It's wrong to steal. I don't think they stole those. They went to the Bar Mitzvahs, and then decided to sell the Kippas back to the families that celebrated... Why do they print their names on the inside of the Kippas anyways? With the oil from Dr. Mintzkowitz's hair, it rubs off... Let's not judge. Even if they gave the Kippas back to the families they took them from, it's not a bribe.
 
In this week's portion (Devarim 16:19) we learn about not taking bribes. Judges shall not take bribes as 'Bribery blinds the eyes of the wise and perverts the words of the righteous'... They don't become blind. It's harder to see with your heart... Truth is harder to see... It's not an object. They can still see who they're judging...
We may not bribe judges… Do I really have to answer… Am I hearing that bribery is fine? So wealthy people should always win in court… We must make for ourselves judges... Law is important. You want no accountability?! You sure about that? See what happens at the shul board meeting... You want accountability. However, we may not bribe the judges. How do the judges then make their money? I do not know…
I do know that many people in this congregation have started some very legit businesses thanks to bribes. Thanks to these businesses, the shul was able to pay for its new social hall. The Eisenstein Memorial Social Hall. Mark had a great business thank you to the bribes he was able to give. B"H…
No. Donations aren't bribes... They deserve a better seat in the chapel, because they donated the social hall... It's not a bribe. They have seats on the board because of the social hall... Because they care and they showed it with their money...
Thus, we shall not talk about giving bribes. As we must thank the politicians who have taken the bribes that have allowed for our community thrive... They're not judges. They are politicians. 'Judges shall not take bribes'... They're politicians. Their words are already perverted. It's OK.
We shall focus on judges. Judges may not take bribes. It is judges that the Torah is talking about. Bribing politicians is a complicated question. Your rabbi needs a raise…

Judgment is there to bring righteousness. 
It is 'righteousness' that we must 'pursue' as a people צדק צדק תרדוף (Devarim 16:20)... We’re not courting righteousness here. It’s not a woman. You don’t take righteousness to dinner. That’s a bribe. And bribery does not bring truth or righteousness. The same way Max and Maxine met. We shall not talk about that... Righteousness is not an enemy... Yes. We pursue it. We chase it... It's not courting. It's in court... We need better grade school teachers in this community…
Rashi notes that righteousness means a Beit Din, a Jewish court. It is through the court that we become righteous. It is through truthful uncontaminated judgement that we inherit the Land of Israel… We have no court system in our shul… That's why we are not in Israel.
The holy place of the court, where we must have truth, must also be righteous. The place itself must be righteous. 
Rashi teaches, 'Even for righteous judgement' we may not take bribes… That was not a bribe. It was a gift…
How can judgement be truthful or righteous if a great man, such as Mr. Eisenstein, is so generous, when Mr. Fishbaum is so cheap?... Pay your dues... Bribing is considered wrong, because the other people are not bribing. Generosity is forbidden, for if everybody were to have bribed like Mr. Eisenstein, it would be considered a salary... What your rabbi makes now is not what one would call a salary... We are not generous enough, so in the most basic palace of Truth, the court, we must remain not generous- as to not be dishonest… If all were generous, like Mr. Eisenstein, there would be no bribes… It was a gift, and they got the High Holiday seat they wanted…
 
Now, many people in this congregation want to blame Mark Eisenstein for a bribe he gave. You say 'he bribed you.' He paid for the down payment on your home. He didn't just bribe you. He bribed me. He bribed the chazan to come to this congregation. He drew us in, because he was such a kind man and he bribed us with money. Who are we to judge? The man never bribed a judge. And now he is in front of the Judge of all judges, in his final Judgement. We pray that you have enough money to bribe your way into Olam Haba (the world to come); to pay the salary of life. We will bribe for you and show the new Social Hall that we will be using later on for Bingo...

Now, Mr. Fishbaum, who hasn't paid his dues. Who have you bribed? What wing of the building have you added? What wing has Madelan added... Bribes are good when they're donations. We need more donations... For better Kiddishes Bernie.
The Torah does not say to not support your community's leaders... The Torah speaks of not taking a bribe. Yes, I am to blame for taking the role of rabbi in this congregation of heathens, because the starting salary was $200,000. The Torah does not say, 'Do not bribe,' It teaches that a judge must not take a bribe... Many of you are religious, and you want to put a fence around the Torah, you have taken that to mean 'You shall not pay'... That is not the teaching... You pay for stuff. You don't bribe to get an advantage over someone else. Paying for stuff you buy is not gaining advantage... their team is just better than our kids at basketball... The 'fence' is not to keep you from finally giving me a raise... We keep the Torah in an Aron Kodesh. It's safer in there than behind a fence...
The kichel and herring kiddush was not a beautiful religious act. It was an act of sadness. It is not bribing the congregation to like you, if you have a nice spread. Ms. Flanigan that is a very fine skirt you took from the Salvation Army. You should have paid for it... Payment is not bribing......
 
Now I promised Mr. Eisenstein that I would give this speech upon his passing, as he did put me in his will. I do hope these words have not been perverted, as Mark would have never wanted that with his money...
 
(Devarim 19:21) ‘You shall not plant idolatrous trees...' There will be no trees planted over Mr. Eisenstein's grave... Ramban notes that at idolaters used to try to make their temples look nice with trees. Whereas, H’ wants the Temple Altar to be the focus… Doesn't mean that we make a quilt to cover the Aron... It looks disgusting. Nobody can focus on the Aron Kodesh... It looks pathetic. If you would've given some money to the shul for the nice Parochet cover, it would've been a Kiddish H', to guard the Torah... That's a good fence...
Those trees are like bribes... Why we are trimming the hedges of the shul is beyond me… We need to focus on the shul. Look at the paint. It’s chipping…
Your concept of beauty is wrong... The way the family came with fullon makeup was... It wasn't a wedding... Whoever made that call was unqualified.
 
(Avodah Zarah 52a, as seen in Artscroll)… Yes. I use Artscroll… You don’t give me time to learn… You ask these messed up questions and I know nothing about gardening… I’m a rabbi and I care about the inside of the shul… No. You still mow the lawn… ‘An unqualified judge is tantamount to one who plants an idolatrous tree’… You should've come judged better than getting a community quilt of love going as the Parochet cover... You have not learned enough Torah to make shul interior design calls... Yes. There is a reason all Jewish books have gold or silver trimming...
The Quilt cover should've been sold at the Mintzkowitz's garage sale...
 
Took too much money for the social hall… That is idol worship. The money should've paid for the parking spot cover too... 
 
(Devarim 17:1) No blemish on the offering… ‘it’s an abomination’… Have you seen the food that’s brought out for Kiddish… You can’t bribe the Kohen to take a blemished offering. It’s the court of Gd… The quilt is a blemish... Yes. There is a lot of heart in it, but it's a blemish... If somebody were to offer money for a new Parochet cover... You see. We can't even do a fundraiser right... The reason nobody knew who donated the Aron Kodesh, at games night, is because they're embarrassed to let people know they donated it... Because it's an abomination. Just like a planted tree by the altar, a bribe to judges and lamb that has a scratch on its hoof...
 
(Devarim 17:6) You kill idol worshippers. You stone them…  That’s why they threw stones at people coming to the Kotel… Because our congregation is a bunch of idol worshippers…
 
(Devarim 17:8-14) You listen to the Kohen’s and Levites… You listen to your leaders… Yes. If I say something, you have to follow it… I am not sure if we kill you for not listening. But we have to ‘wipe out the evil from among us. And all the nation shall listen and fear’… So that they’ll practice the Mitzvot right... No. You don’t go ‘right or left’ from where you are told. If I say ‘right,’ that’s right…
We need stoning so people will listen... You listen to your leaders and pay them. You give them a raise. That's how you instil fear and bring redemption...
We will miss the one congregant who listened to the leader and voted to give the rabbi a raise...
 
Rivka’s Notes on Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon
 
We are going to miss Mark Eisenstein. He was a good man. He supported the shul. He supported the rabbi. He was the only one who supported the rabbi. The rabbi got emotional, knowing he is not going to get a raise this year. All of the money is going to the social hall.

The rabbi made a good point that people shouldn’t be paid. Even so, he took it right back when the congregants said his salary should come down a bit. I think that's what changed the course of the sermon to bribes talking about judges only. It led to the correct words about Mr. Eisenstein.
 
Painting is OK, but no more planting at the shul. The new artistic look, with the quilt, is not becoming. Truth is I don’t like the shrubs either. I don't know who would worship those things. If idol worship comes to that, I am worried a big fight will take over the next shul pruning meeting.
 
The community setup a court system.
Sadie headed the court. She’s tough and she loves banging. She scared everybody last Rosh Chodesh, when she clapped. Clapping is when you hit the table, to let everybody know they are supposed to say the extra prayer of Ya’aleh vYavo, and that you are mad. Nobody forgot to say it that week. They were too scared Sadie would come over and hurt them. It was loud. Fran fell asleep in the middle of the hearings about when the next shul games night should be.
Community stoning was a bit much. Target has been overcharging for a long time. Even so, we cannot consider the manager an idol worshipper.
 
High Holiday seating always leads to a lot of fights. Nobody wants to sit next to Bernie. He coughs and chuchs a lot. Frank davens very loud, when he is davening. He is usually talking. He does that loud too. Mrs. Fialikman got a new hat. That’s an eyesore. That’s going to take up two seats. Won’t be able to see the ark if you’re behind her. Sadie is tough as nails. You sit next to her, you’re not getting an armrest. She’ll clapp it if she has to. And Fran always waves a piece of paper like she is at the kabuki theater.
If anybody gave money, like Mark Eisenstein, they would have decent seats too. Call it a bribe. I call it the right use of a donation.
Mr. Eisenstein's seat was auctioned off. It takes up three seats and has a footrest, right next to the Bima. It's still respectable, as he donated the social hall.

The Mintzkowitzes got sued after one of the kids got caught in the spring-loaded pull-out bed. They let the bed go too soon and the kid got flipped into the couch and sat on.