Sermon of Rebuke: Tazria-Metzora

by Rivka Schwartz

The rabbi went off complaining about the length of davening and how painfully long the services are. I think we all forgot about the guest speaker we brought in for Israel Shabbat. Rabbi Mendelchem didn't want to mention the Yom HaAtzmaut celebration. He was very mad at the dry falafel balls.
The congregation needs to do Teshuva. Layning would have never been this bad if something wasn't wrong. Thanks to Rabbi Mendelchem's ability to find fault...
 
My Rabbi Mendelchem's Sermon (Drasha)
Shabbat Shalom My Congregants
 
Another double Parsha. We should be adding another week. Anything to finish quicker. 53 Shabbats every year… A double month is fine. We’ll do the solar calendar like we do the lunar… Anything for a quicker layning... The first Aliyah was so long... We need that cantor back. I know he didn’t have a good voice, but he read faster than Dr. Felsenman... No. You don’t annunciate everything Frank. It’s a double Parsha. You read fast!!! I wasn’t going to give a sermon, due to the double Parsha. But I had so much time to think. I came up with a double sermon... What really is Tzara'at and quarantine... 
The only reason Bernie wasn’t talking is because he fell asleep. The Kiddish Club left in the middle of Shelishi… There are seven Aliyahs, Frank. They usually leave at the Haftorah… They thought it was the Haftorah already. That’s how slow... I couldn't quarantine Frank in the middle of his layning... A mask would've been wrong. To muzzle him...
 
Yes. Quarantining is the only way... This is when we have to kick you out of the camp… The raiding of the girl’s bunks last year at Camp Wichalom was something we don’t speak of. Mickey was already put on notice for taking your daughter's Pringles... We are talking about being kicked out of the community. There are people that should be kicked out of the community… We've already talked of the bouncer at Kiddish Club...
 
There is a state where we are welcome to join the community in approaching H', purity/Tahara, and that is where this community fails… The back left is not welcome… I know we must speak of Shirley. She is old and single... Shaindel. That is fine. You can talk about her and how she messed up… I know it's for her good. It’s wrong to talk about others though... It’s annoying and we have to quarantine you if you talk... That corner. Quarantined... Bernie is now in quarantine. As of now, I am only speaking to the front left and back right...
No more Lashon Hara. This shul is afflicted... Frank afflicted us with a very long Torah reading...
 
People learn from metaphors and analogies: We'll call it Ms. Kandell and Mrs. Shlomintz.
Ms. Kandell has a boyfriend and Mrs. Shlomintz is married, happy, with kids, not alone, knows how to cook, not sinning.... We see that the person in the state of Tumah/impurity, Ms. Kandell, cannot approach the temple...
 
There are times where people are invited to be part of the congregation and times when they don't pay dues... No. But they should get leprosy for that... When somebody gets Tzara'at... a kind of leprosy which is not leprosy or is- if that helps, they are quarantined.
What is Tzara'at?
In the Talmud (Arachin 15b) it takes the word Mtzora (leper) and teaches that it comes from somebody who brings out bad; they teach that means speaking slander. There are other reasons for leprosy, however we will focus on Ms. Kandell. She talks a lot… the whole service…  This is why you kick people... They interrupt. An interruption affliction... It is for this reason we quarantine. Because they are not fit for being around other people… If somebody talks Lashon Hara, but the slander is entertaining, they draw people... Huge circles of people come to enjoy... I don't know if they are afflicted or not. They are definitely not quarantined... Because they are entertaining...
Ms. Kandells will… She does need to get a bit of a tan. No rabbi should have to be looking at pale congregants… It causes Lashon Hara… No. You can't quarantine them because of a bad hair day... That's not Tzarat... People should be kicked out… We've already talked of the bouncer at Kiddish Club... Yes. Michael is quarantined until he gets a haircut...

(Vayikra 13:5) The Kohen ‘closes off’ the afflicted… Our Kohen needs to do more... He barely duchins. Never praises us... His hands are very dirty. I have a feeling the Leviim don't do their job either...
You first have to close them off. Send them outside the camp… You can get a tan in the wilderness…
Unlike the woman who is impure for giving birth for an extended period. The one with Tzara’at is ‘closed off.’ You have to separate them.
We are going to separate that section over there… Ms. Kandell is talking to Mrs. Rotstein now. You have to be separated. Mrs. Shlomintz just got back. She’s joining too. Quarantine that area… The whole area of the shul is cut off… People who aren't fit to be part of the congregation are quarantined... Michael is afflicted with too much hair. We are quarantining him... Dr. Frank Felsenman, long layning. Afflicted...
No. Masks don't count for quarantine... If you put on a mask, it is not considered quarantined...
 
After birth, a woman sits for 33 or 66 days in her purity, before being pure… 40 and 80 days of impurity... She is not pure because she is pure... It's a purity thing... Yes. The Friedbaum family are sinners... Having kids... Have you seen junior congregation... Even when you do good, you have to sit in that purity and repent... The purity feels disgusting. Ever sat in purity? Exactly.
I want Karen to think about the Bikur Cholim committee. Visiting the sick? Everyone of you is a sinner. How many people did you wake up?... Giving Tzedakah? Charity. Great. Good for you. Sinner. A bunch of sinners... Donating to the shul. Giving of your life to the congregation? Sit in that purity for a good six years. Look what that kind deed got me... I'm still thinking of how being a spiritual leader turned into my sin. I am definitely asking for atonement for this... Shame. Shame on you all for sitting in purity... And let's say an older person needs to sit...

We are afflicted and then what?
(Vayikra 12:8) ‘The Kohen shall atone for her, and she shall be pure.’  After birth, the woman is only fully pure once she brings atonement. Did Karen bring a donation to the shul after she gave birth? She took a lot of gifts from the Bikur Cholim committee... You don’t bring your atonement to the Gap. Even if the you don’t like the onesie the Silverbergs got… I understand you wanted to return it. We are talking about minimum donations for atonement… You keep a gift.  Yes. The red onesie is an atonement. 
If there is atonement for giving birth, you must definitely atone for... Frank should feel bad. Because of Frank, you can see the Kiddish Club did three shots today… They were double shots Frank… It’s Shabbis, and somebody has to apologize for killing my Shabbat afternoon sleep… Now it’s a nap... We can't have a designated driver for the Kiddish Club... It's Shabbis Frank...
Even in a mitzvah, you have to find the purity. The goodness. And atone for the goodmess. That's how guilty a Jew should always feel... Because it ruins my Shabbat afternoon, Frank...  

Atonement for the good deed of giving birth… You need atonement before we can let you into the community. After Shabbat, this community is excommunicated until everybody does something to improve their skin… Ahava products only… There will be an Ahava sale on Monday. Shmulik and Yasmin, from Israel, will be giving half off at the Ahava cart at Wimbly Market to members of Beis Anshei Emes Sefilah...
 
And no more talking in shul. It’s considered Lashon Hara to talk during the Rabbi’s sermon…
 
Dr. Felsenman is the cause for Lashon Hara... He did the Mitzvah of reading, and now he has to sit in his purity. Think about the good he did for the congregation… Atone by reading faster...
The Kiddish Club came back for the Haftorah. You see. They tailgated my sermon because of you…
 
It was a beautiful Yom HaAtzmaut. And now, here is our guest speaker… 

Rivka’s Notes on Rabbi Mendelchem’s Drasha
It was a very long layning. I felt like I was at a Bar Mitzvah. I haven’t been to any Bar Mitzvahs for the past three years. They take too long. I show up to wish Mazel Tov though.
I think everybody in the shul was placed in quarantine this week. That hurt with the daily Minyin. Mr. Felsenblum, had to go to Saint Louis for Kaddish, daily.
He was very fire and brimstone this week. I believe he quarantined the falafel balls too.
The rabbi has been doing what he can to fight against the alcohol. He started an AA meeting during the Haftorah reading, but the Kiddish Club got more people. 
The bouncer at Kiddish Club was a bit much. Having a big guy kicking Jews out of shul had some of the elders of the congregation a bit scared. Bernie didn't even show up for his atonement meeting.
The shul also decided against the gang the rabbi hired to do security, due to protests of anti-Semitism. The rabbi's progressive thoughts turned for the worst. He should've allowed them to racially profile. Seeing Shloimy have to take off his jacket, being that Timbo and Mad Dog thought he was packing under his bekisha was a bit overboard. Then to see Mad Dog throw him out of shul to set an example... I think the Jews of the shul got the lesson, and started thinking twice before coming to services.
Speaking of anti-Semitism, the Gap did complain that Jews return too much.
It turns out that the rabbi was doing Shirley (Shaindel is her name that makes her parents proud) a favor, as she had a bad case of vitiligo. Many people accused the rabbi of being in cahoots with Shmulik and Yasmin, as part of their Ahave hand cream sales technique is to put down people's skin texture.
The rabbi separated the section. In the middle of the Sermon, he separated the whole shul and added another Mechitzah, which led to a whole protest from the women's section, claiming they are not all impure.
The Israeli speaker only spoke for three minutes. His allotted time was taken up by the rabbi and Frank. The congregation was very happy with the eight thousand dollar honorarium for Yom HaAtzmaut. They decided that next year they will pay ten thousand dollars for somebody to come in and not speak. 
There was no birth in the congregation for the next ten months...