Sermon of Rebuke: Ki Teitzei

by Rivka Schwartz

​Two Simchas this week. Nobody knew which one to go to. In the end we all knew who was liked more. It wasn't the Gerwitz family. Not many came to the Shabbat Chatan.
How important is a Shabbat Chatan? Probably more important than a Bat Mitzvah.
 
Kids are tough. All on the floor. Parents are angry about the carpet ruining their children’s pants during candy throwing. It's the parents' fault. The shul has sent home a newsletter suggesting the kids bring kneepads to shul.
The parents insist that kneepads aren't Shabbis clothes. That's on them. When my kids were growing up they wore a suit jacket, knee pads and chest protector. When going for candies you have to also watch out for elbows. My youngest wore the full hockey goalie gear. Every time there are two kids walking away with all the candy. Other kids have a black and blue eye. I can explain that.
 
Kids do whatever they want now. They go up to open the ark and play up there.
Running around the shul, doing tumbling. The carpet is good for ripping suit pants and tumbling.
 
The new Bal Teshuva is getting on everybody’s nerves, judging everybody. Just turned religious. He was staring at my husband’s shorts for three minutes, in shock that somebody could wear shorts, as they are not modest. My husband was coming back from a jog. He doesn’t jog in a suit. You want to judge me with your eyes, I'll stare at you all of services. I was giving him looks all of Davening. He felt like he was on the wrong page the whole time. He's still questioning what he does, being new to it. I'll make him question more.
 
Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon
 
Shabbt Shalom My Congregants
 
Want to welcome the Gerwitz family... Nobody else is here. They're all at the other shul for the Bar Mitzvah....
You send invites. Nobody came because you didn’t send invites… The other shul poached our members again…
 
Shalishudis needs more chips… Yes. I'm talking to you. You sponsored Shalishudis... OK. Seudah Shelishit. The third Shabbat meal. Whatever you want to call it. There should be more chips there... You didn't pick up any. You got tuna and egg salad... Chips taste good with them... The point is that Pinny is getting married and we want him to do it right...
If there is a woman that you lust after… She's Jewish?... OK. Well if there's a second wife... Yes. You give her chips with the tuna. It tastes good.
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Right after speaking about war, the Torah talks about lusting after the captive women… Not focusing on what to do in the land. First we focus on the captive woman. Because you're all shallow... Just like this congregation, there is either fighting or lusting. Either fighting over who has the right to open up the ark on Yom Kippur, or lusting after a good Danish... We all know Stella D’oros are not coming back… Even in a war, if you took a Yodels captive, you would lust after it… If you would just lust after chips…
 
(Devarim 21:11) If you desire the good-looking captive woman, ‘you may take her for a wife’... She’s captive… Her husband is gone. We’re not reliving the Fleishman Fiasco… This was war. Not somebody sneaking into your house at night…
As H' knows man's desires, He does not say, 'No. Don’t take her.' Instead of forbidding the relationship… Men are shallow. Were you at the Migelberg Bar Mitzvah. Gaudy. For what? Nobody’s giving a gift more than $36. Double Chai is all you get here… Yes. They use it as an excuse. '$100? No. We'll give $36. That's double life. They'll like the meaning'… Oh, how many intermarriages in our congregation and nobody took the non-Jewish child captive first. Instead of forbidding, we are told to shave her head and to let her fingernails grow long… If you would’ve just waited a month and seen her nails, you would've married Jewish... If she cleaned them, that would be different. Good point. I don't think the Torah let her clean her nails...
We are also told to remove her captive clothes. Rashi comments, 'Because they are nice'… Beautiful. Nice. It’s the same thing… Have you ever met somebody who was kind and not beautiful??? Because you’re shallow. H’ knows that… They dressed their women beautiful, to entice. Unlike the night gowns the women wear when they go shopping in Brooklyn… You win war by dressing women nicely… And Kol hakkavod, all the honor, to those women dressing in the nightgowns. They are צנועה, modest… They're not drawing any attention. Ever shop at Chanshie’s Catskill Gowns. You put those on her... You should always make sure that your marriage is not based on attraction. Testing is good... We're not in the middle of war, Bernie. We're not idol worshippers trying fool our enemies with Swiss Fudge. I've seen the way you scrape it with your teeth. Disgusting... No. Your shorts are not attracting anybody. You have the most pale legs. Nobody would want to take those legs as a captive spouse...
 
(Devarim 21:11) Rashi explains that the Torah doesn’t say ‘no’ because ‘the Torah is only speaking against the Yetzer Hara, evil inclination. Because if H’ didn’t permit it, he would take her illicitly.’  The same way the kids took all the candy… Attacking anybody in their midst. I'm literally afraid of the next Bar Mitzvah… We tried saying one candy bag a child, but you remember what happened in the halls after the throwing... Deals were going down with some of those nursery schoolers.
This is why we do the shul programs. Because you would all be doing Asur, forbidden stuff. You would follow your Yetzer Hara and go lusting after candy...
We would have learning all the time, but you wouldn’t do it. So we have shul movie night. Hookah in the Sukkah. Pizza Parsha. Either rhymes or alliterations. That's how we decide on programs. Alliterations entice you. Which is why we are stopping all programs... The only way to get you interested is to dress up the programs nicely. 
 
Look at you all, coming to shul in clothes that fit. Clothes that look decent. Why? Because you want to cause promiscuous shul activity. Eating choolante all sensually the way you do, with kishka coming off your cheeks. You should all be ashamed of yourselves, enticing… Let the choolante sit and you wouldn’t want to eat it.
 
It's for the rabbis to buckle down on this and stop the disgusting way of dressing. The laws of proper dress are complicated. It should be asur/forbidden to wear clothes. The way you people dress, no more clothes...
The Torah notices that the men are disgusting, shallow people. It has been too long that we have been blaming Dr. Fleishman for not being a faithful husband. It is time we blame the women... It is not his fault. It's only because she dresses in really nice clothes... Well would his wife let her sit in the house and grow her nails?... She doesn't dress within the rabbinical laws of Tzniyut, modesty. So please, stop blaming Dr. Fleishman. It's only because there are other available women that he does not take care of his family...
 
(Divarim 21:12-13) The captive woman stays in his house. ‘She shall shave her head and let her nails grow'... That's what she does for the month. Can you think of  something else to do with your time?! Maybe she mourns her husband... You have to have a heart for captives too. The Chazin care less. he goes on for a forty-five minute Kedusha... We have to go home. Your holding us hostage... We can't shave on Shabbat... I don't know if growing nails on Shabbat is Asur or not. Good question, Sir.
(Devarim 21:13) Rashi says that he will stumble upon her, see her weeping and see her unsightly appearance. All this, so that she should become despicable to him. [Sifrei 21: 9]. Have you ever seen uncut fingernails and cut hair? It’s disgusting… Long unwashable hair… No. She can’t file her nails down… Because then he would love her for her nails. We don’t want him to care about her because she has a nice shine on her nails… Is mourning unsightly? If this guy had a heart, he would've set her free. In the meantime, he's mocking her for mourning... He doesn't deserve her Dr. Fleishman. You don't stand there laughing, 'Boo Hoo Hoo. Just lost your husband... So disgusting looking when you care'... 
 
If he allows the woman to mourn her family for a month, then he may take her for a wife. Because then we know he cares....
You run when she starts to cry... Say you have a meeting you're late for... No man wants to see a woman cry, or mourn, or deal with her emotions. As Dr. Fleishman never wanted to deal with his family's emotions. Don't worry Dr. Fleishman, I am on your side... That's why he ran away. He didn't care about them, he just wanted his beautiful wife. Then kids got in the way and made it emotional and too intimate. It is not his fault. No man should have to show sympathy or empathy...

The whole point is to care. Even when you're lusting, you have to care... You don't eat like a slob. I've seen you with the Stella D'oros and choolante. Would've been chips too, if we had...
No. You can’t take her as a slave... Does that show care?
(Devarim 21:14) If you don’t want her, you have to let her go. You can’t keep her as a servant ‘on account that you have afflicted her’
You can’t keep people you don’t want… Doesn’t mean to throw out your eight year old because he is annoying...
It’s a matter of being truthful in love… You have to care about the person. Shaindel has to stop setting people up… Because you have to love them physically first…  You have to be attracted Shaindel. Rachel is still single, because you set her up with horrific guys… Rachel is fine. She cuts her nails… No. They shouldn't go shopping at Chanshie’s Catskill Gowns until they're married... Let him learn to care later...
 
The great teaching we learn from this episode is that it is only after she has mourned, and he saw her mourn her family, that he is allowed to have an intimate relationship with this woman. For it's only then, that the man has had a chance to see the woman as a human being, who he must empathize with. Once he is there, that means he really cares about her. She has suffered enough and she should not have to suffer more, from your disgusting vile, man behavior… Marrying her is adding to her suffering... Have you seen yourself?
 
May we be zoyche to a life of true love and care. Where there are no clothes used to entice. No clothes used to eat choolante. No clothes...
 
And now the wayward son… Not one of the four on Pesach. The annoying son is not the wayward son…
(21:20) Sorer uMoreh= And they shall say to the elders of his city, "This son of ours is wayward and rebellious; he does not obey us; [he is] a glutton and a guzzler."… You told them to take the Sunkist gummy candies. But he gluttoned after them. He attacked the other children... He has no empathy. No ability for care.... You stone that... No. Once they take candy from other children, stone them... At least throw jawbreakers or fireballs. You're throwing Sunkist gummies. That's not going to teach the kid a lesson. It just makes them more glutton for candies... I know we tell them not to eat. We even had the sharing is caring campaign... Because they're wayward... Not forward. Wayward.
(Devarim 21:18) Doesn’t listen to his parents… The wayward child doesn't listen to parents. That's the problem. They don't obey. You all don’t listen to your rabbi…
Why right after the captive woman? Because the wayward son thinks about himself. The wayward son lusts, like Dr. Fleishman, who ruined his family… We have to teach these kids to share...
(Davarim 21:21) ‘Pelt him with stones and he shall die…’ That’s how you discipline. Detention is not doing the job… Saw Breakfast Club… No Stella D’oros in the movie. They had chips though...
Yes. You stone people. How else are you going to get the others to listen?...
 
No favorites. Nothing special for your favorite wife who cuts her nails. The showoff… The first born is the first born… Learn to care for your family, and stone the children that don't listen...
 
Rivka’s Notes on Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon

Shul was empty. They all chose the Simcha at the other shul. It was really hust the Gerwitz family and a few others who knew they would be able to approach the Kiddish table quicker, with everybody else at the other shul. 

People saw food in a new light after the rabbi’s speech.
The new Mendelchem diet plan took off. The choolante had to sit for a month. After that, nobody wanted to eat it. Danish got stale, and nobody was eating anymore Danish. The Stella D’oros remained the same. Those lasted two years. Everybody ate those. People ended up getting real heavy downing sleeves.
 
The new rule was that before marriage there was no nail cutting for a month and all had to shave their heads. There were no marriages that summer. That rule had to change.
The message of love and care based on looks was beautiful. Many divorces happened over the next few months when people realized that they’re not attracted to their spouse anymore. I heard some husbands complain that their wives never get haircuts.
The rabbi was speaking about the foundations of love. Once you’re already married, looks don’t count. He was talking about the shallowness in the courting process. To be shallow and use tons of makeup, so that people didn’t get to know you, was considered fine, as long as they were Jewish. But she couldn’t stay in your home for that month, due to Yichud. With Jews, you develop care through attraction.
The rabbi also started convincing people not to intermarry, with his new ‘grow the nails’ campaign. The idea was that anybody who wanted to intermarry, had to let their intended grow nails for a month. He also added the rule that they can’t file them. Nail polish was also not allowed. He banned nail polish remover, as the chipping was considered not attractive.
 
Stopping the programs meant no more learning Torah in shul. The rabbi brought back alliterations and pizza real fast. Stella D’oros and Danish were also back the next month and going strong since. Even in COVID they went strong. We got the packaged kind and told people to eat those at home. They still came just to get the pastry. For Kiddish, the packaged food was fine, as some came to davening for the food. It was less than usual. The rabbi still believes that bags of Lays chips would've drawn the masses.
For the classes, they gave the packaged pizza and told people to go home to heat them up. So nobody studied the Torah Parsha. There was no other good alliteration with food and Torah, so there were no classes over the pandemic. Nobody showed up to the Zoom classes. They were there, but they had no pizza, so they decided to turn off their screens while the rabbi taught. This allowed the opportunity for doing other work on the computer, and catching up on series.
 
The rabbi stayed away from stoning the congregants, even though they are wayward and don’t listen. Though, we did start purchasing harder candies to pelt at the kids.
 
We’ve been working on shul food and the Simchas killed the shul reputation. They brought in catering and now people are got worse food than our regular choolante. The caterer is giving our shul a bad rep. We need the sisterhood on it. We need more potato chips. 
The board had a chips meeting and they couldn't figure out why they never saw the chips they bought. Reason: Because people eat them. They're gone right away. So, they decided to save money and buy pretzels, as there was always leftovers of those. It's just adding to our bad Kiddish and Shalishudis reputation.

The tailor was in shul. He made calls to the parents that Monday. He got some good business that week. Thinking back, he became the new candyman in shul. He started a tradition where he throws candies, even when there isn't a Simcha.  
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Pinny got the message. He is lusting after his wife. We'll give that another couple of months, until he realizes they're married.