Sermon of Rebuke: Bamidbar

by Rivka Schwartz

It was a hot day. A heatwave must’ve hit. The air-conditioner went out. It felt like we were in a desert.
Everybody is ready for the inter-shul baseball league. It’s very competitive and keeps people from switching shuls. The league games builds so much hatred for other shuls, it has helped us with membership retention. The board is a very big fans of the league.
We’ve traded some members in the past, due to loudness during prayers. We had to get rid of Nachman. He was loud at shul, but never cheered at the baseball games. Now, when Beit Knesset Am Kshei Oref plays us, Nachman cheers so much. He interrupts almost as much as he did in shul.
Many people say the rabbi wings the sermons, so he gave source sheets. He made it look impressive. It was six pages and none were double sided. The girth was an instant hit. The men’s section had nobody handing out the sheets, so nobody got all six pages. It went from one to the next and nobody knew which page they had. I handed out the pages in the women's section. The women used the sheets to fan themselves. Most said one was enough. Some took one of the other six sheets, as they had two free hands.
You have two free hands if your Siddur, prayer book, is not on your lap. If you have an empty seat next to you, or one of your children, you can put it there. I've seen little kids holding ten Siddurs during the rabbi's sermon. If the shul would have Siddur holders, parents wouldn't need to bring their kids to shul.
The handing out the sheets was a twelve-minute ordeal.
The rabbi finally assigned leaders of each section to go out to hand out the sheets and to battle in the synagogue baseball league. The men had to be 20 and older. Then the sermon began.
 
Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon
Everybody take a pamphlet... You can see there are six different pages… OK…
 
(Bamidbar 1:1) ‘And H’ spoke to Moshe in the wilderness of Sinai, in the Tent of Meeting…’ It’s hard to hear H’ in our community… You’re always talking during Tefillah… Tent of Meeting. Shul is our Tent for Gd… I am speaking to you in a desert of Torah. Because you talk wrong… Can’t hear Gd over Mark’s silent prayer…. It’s loud… Not talking to people… If the secretary would respect my office, I would be able to meet with Gd… At least learn. But I have meetings with congregants…
In the desert… Single people go to the desert to meet singles. Parties… Where they live, it’s called ‘the swamp’… They get stuck there and they never get out… Here, single people move and they leave. It’s very dry… Yes. They leave single, but they are not stuck here… Because you never call them up to the Torah Shim… If the Gabai would call them up…
They’re single. They don’t pay dues. They’re good for the baseball team… They’re over 20 and… They have no right to not be attracted. I know. But we’re not talking about Shidduchim now… Who cares if they’re not attracted? We’re playing against another shul… This is why I need an office where I can speak to Gd… Speaking to you, ends up in bad decisions and we end up in fifth place… There are five shuls. And who are they to not be attracted… Gd would have much better Shidduch ideas then Chaya Sheindel…
 
(Bamidbar 1:2-3) ‘Count… according to their families, their father’s households, counting the names of every male… from 20 years and up, all that do service for Israel…’
I am not speaking to the teenagers right now. They are worthless. They do nothing for the shul. Even Sheirut Leumi is questionable… People 20 and up… Under 20, not people... They're a responsibility... 
You’re being addressed. How? According to your families… You are addressed according to your families. That’s why we call on the Schwartzenbergs… Schwartzie!!!
We call on the Goldstones when we need Shalishudis…
But we are calling you according to your ‘names.’ And your ‘name’ is connected to your family… You are an individual within your family… There’s good reason the Goldstones have a bad reputation… it dates back to Zayde Felvel who never paid dues and never got a double… That’s why we do family names. This way we know the debt…
Who can we depend on?... Long history on depending on the Himlowitzes. But they moved to Israel… No. Bernie. You ruined your family’s reputation…
 
The shul softball team… You represent your family… We don’t call you by the shul’s name for a reason. That’s why your family name is on the back… We don’t want to ruin the shul’s reputation… We are the most out of shape shul. Don’t need that reputation…
Give your family a good name. Help the community. We’re doing a blood drive this week… Can’t call on the teenagers for that… If you catch a ball in the outfield, the Goldstone family name could change for good… Your individual name is also important...
 
Can somebody please role up one of the source sheets and smack Hymie with it… You were sleeping again…
 
(Bamidbar 1:4) ‘And with you (Moshe and Aaron) will be one man from each tribe…’ We need family leaders. I can’t deal with everybody from the family. We saw what happened with the Heinmann pitching... Each family will have a representative…
We are going to have shul heads. From now on families are going to decide on who gets the Aliyah… This way, you choose your favorite child… Who gets called up the most to the Torah is the favorite…
We’re talking about communal service here. Leadership.
 
What families will be designated for what?
The Schwartzenbergs are in charge of collecting dues… We can trust that they’ll be honest, as they haven’t paid…
The Heinmanns are in charge of the back left corner of the shul, where they talk during services…
The Pinzkowitzs are in charge of youth… The goal is to keep them out of shul. They're under 20… That’s why we have the youth Minyin… The Pinzkowitzs come from a long line of hall talkers… They don’t come into shul…
The Zimberfelds are in charge of cookouts… They don’t come to shul… Shul activities outside of the shul will be theirs…
The Goldostones are in charge of nothing to do with sports… In charge of food for Shalishudis… No cooking is involved, so we don’t have to worry… It doesn’t taste bad when you buy it…
The Feinblooms are in charge of the baseball game… Let them deal with it…
The Friedbaums are in charge of accounting… This is to help with knowing how many Aliyahs for each family… Less fights in shul… Who hasn’t paid dues? The Goldstones also haven’t…
The heads can help you count… We need counters… We need designated counters… The Friedbaums come from a long line of accountants… Their good at running numbers… They can also be in charge of setting people up… The Shidduch committee is very important… We have three singles. Getting them all to date is hard… Shipping in Jewish singles also works… Mrs. Freidbaum, you’re perfect for this. You’re very nosy… You can also run the blood drive... I’ve heard you set people up. You can care less about people’s feelings. Other people’s blood doesn’t bother you…
Rotensteins are in charge of the dress code… We have to give your daughter a shawl every time she comes… You stand by the entrance and cover people up…
Ezra Kornblum represents himself… He’s single… Just leave the single people out. They have no family… They can be sent to the teen minyin… They’re all single…
 
Take pride in your last name… Pay dues and learn how to play baseball… Wait. I just heard from H' who said to not let any Goldstone on the team this year...
 
Rivka's Notes on Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha
The Rabbi didn't use the source sheet for any of his speech, but everybody was extremely impressed with the number of sources. There were 20 sources. The rabbi was shocked at how impressed people were with just sources. The following week, for his Shavuot class, he just handed out a source sheet and left. His new style was loved by all.
He started going on tour for a bit, in the middle of Spring, as a scholar-in-residence. He built up a reputation for handing out a large packet of sources and allowing people to go through it. He never had to say a word after that. Didn't give one speech. He just handed out sources in congregations around America, and the people said, 'Pshhh. Look at this. A real scholar.'
This year, he’s planning a book tour with his new book How to Rebuke Your Congregants for Results. He’s calling the tour, ‘The Book Speaks for Itself.’
The Schwartzenberg family still hasn’t bought it. They haven’t paid their dues either. But they do eat a lot at Kiddish.
 
The rabbi went through shul 12 leaders. None of them helped him. He made Mrs. Krynetz the leader of cooking, as she is the only that cooks Jewish food. She’s the only one that knows how to make anything other than a quiche. The rabbi also gave Mr. Kandell the rights to locking up the Torahs. He owns a security safe company. He has the leadership of ark position. He’s not good at delegating. The shul had to wait two hours for a Shacharit service, for him to come and unlock the ark. One day, they just skipped the reading. He said he was on call the night before, because one of his safes was broken into.
 
If there was decent air-conditioning, nobody would’ve used the sheets. It looked classy to have all the women fanning themselves, so the rabbi didn’t say anything about it.
 
Thank Gd the youth service was happening at the time. The teenagers feel like they’re doing something there. But I understand how little they do for the congregation. The teenagers don’t even layn. If they would learn to read from the Torah at least.
Decision was made that the silent prayer had to be silent from now on.
 
The rabbi started calling everybody by last names for the next while. He felt that it brought more of a Jewish summer camp feel. He said we needed that to compete in baseball. He also stated that it was important for identity.
The shul made new building plans to turn everything into shacks and bunks. It was part of the new Jewish identity project.
The last names on the jerseys made it hard to call the team together. Going through all the last names to get a huddle going took a real long time. ‘Go Friedbaums, Rotnsteins, Schwartzenbergs, Heinmanns, Pinzkowitzs, Zimberfelds, Goldostones, Feinblooms, Friedbaums, Korbnblum, Goldstein, Schwartz, Goldberg…’ The rabbi said that if we win a game we can call the team by our shul. 'Go Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefilah' takes a long enough time, making it also hard to cheer to a good beat.
We hope the lack of air-conditioning and heat help the members get in better shape for softball season. The members won't due anything other than passive exercise and they haven't been to the shvitz in a while. 
 
The rabbi began counting the offspring that was 20 years and older. Reuven had 46,500 in Sinai. The most our shul had was 312, by Sadie, who's 100 years old last year. One of her kids had 4 children. It was a huge success by American standards. Sadie liked it when her children didn't visit. They would turn off Fox News and put on cartoons for the great grandkids. She felt like they were using her house, because none of them had a roundscreen TV.
The shul roles didn’t work. The Friedbaums stopped accounting when they didn’t get paid. They ran the numbers and found a way out of a paying dues.
And he counted all the shul members who paid their dues. Twelve. That was it. Twelve people paid dues.
They felt that a new system of paying per family member was the way to go. The families were against it. Grandparents didn't want to pay dues for their grandkids. Many families split because of this.
 
The blood drive was a success. Many people showed up, as the shul served ice cream. Three people gave blood. We commend the Pinzkowitzs.
Due to Mark's loud silent prayer, it was decided that silent prayers had to be silent. No singing silent prayers anymore. Even so, lip moving is still making a lot of noise.