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We have been voted the least friendly congregation, by the local committee of people who don't want to pay dues. When you don’t smile, people think you don’t like them. They've said that it is clear that the congregants don't like guests. They know you don't like them, as you stare at them, and don't say 'Good Shabbis.' The staring is very intimidating, especially when a Minyin of people is doing it.
From now on, congregants must smile at people, so we don't lose more members. Except for Michael. He looks very awkward when he smiles.
Kumzits will be taking place this Motzei Shabbat. We ask you learn the songs. We don't want harmonizing. As there has been much discussion as to what is proper singing, we want to be clear. You singing another song, to a different beat, is not harmonizing.
In addition, the shul is hiring a song leader. We have decided folk singing to be important to our community. Not Chazanis. People will show up for a concert. Not services.
No more licking your fingers and touching the pages of the siddur. We are designating an under seventy year old to go around and turn the pages for all who need help without finger grip abilities. The shul has lost too many siddurs to mucus.
We have checked all of the helpers, and they will provide you with fingerprints.
Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Worriers... Don't worry. I will give a Dvar Torah...
(Bamidbar 22:2-4) Balak saw 'all that Israel did. And Moav was very frightened, because it was numerous...' His heart took a beat. Moav tells Midian, 'Now the congregation will lick all of our surroundings, like a ox licks the greenery of the field...' You guys lick your fingers all the time, when you turn the page. You're disgusting. This congregation licks more stuff than any... I'm afraid to kiss the Mezuzah... I hear Bernie chaching. I look over, And then he turns the page. Then you lick the siddur… You’re supposed to kiss it.
Balak is the king of Moav... I don't know what oxen licking a field means... I don't know why that's a bad thing, Bernie. I'm not a zoologist... I know licking is OK... Israel is a nation... Let's call this a Chok. It's a decree. This way I don't have to explain everything...
Sounds like the spies. Worried... All you do is worry. 'The Bat Mitzvah is too great for us. how will we feed all of these guests... They'll lick up all the kugel.' 'The lawn is too big for us. How will we cut all of the grass'... Then mow your lawn, Simcha. It's an embarrassment. Your neighbors are worried your weeds will lick up their surroundings and kill their greenery...
Sounds like Paroh... Everybody is worried. 'Got to attack the Jews because we're worried they'll overtake us'... That's why there's no anti-Semtism in America. They're not worried about American Jews attacking...
Frightened by numbers. Like Paroh... Michael. You're scared of math... That's why you all do bad in school and fight with your teachers.
Everything stems from worry... War stems from worry... I know you're not worried about the Ukraine. If I said they were moving here...
It's always based on what you see. 'VaYar' the first word of the Parsha. Balak sees and he worries. He sees what the Jews did, so he's scared... He didn't see what Thelma did with Kiddish... Balak saw it and was afraid. He saw, but he responded wrong...
So you curse. You see the other team and you're saying 'Oh...' Cursing doesn't help. Balak sends for Bilam... He's not going to save the day. You curse people. Does that work?... You always curse them under your breath, Bernie...
You disrespect your teachers and try to get your parents to curse them... H' doesn't want that.
Worriers. Those are who lose wars. And they lose good donations… Worry loses wars... And getting donations is a war... I am worried you're going to harmonize... It is painful. It's numerously bad.
You don't smile at new people coming into the shul, because you're worried we'll have new members who like the rabbi... Stop smiling Michael. You look awkward. Wait till the braces are off… Worriers start wars, and don't smile...
Balak responded wrong, because he didn't see what really happened.
You worry when you see what people did. Balak saw what 'Israel' did. He didn't see God... I’ve seen you harmonize… It's hard to see God when you harmonize. I see people messing up a good song... You all worry because you don't see God. You see Max harmonizing... I know it's hard to see God in this congregation. If you look to the front right and meditate, you can see some of God... I know it's hard with all the talking...
Stop worrying... You can be a good Jew without worrying... I know you're Frum... Not all Frum people lick their siddur. I’ve seen you lick your fingers and chach on the siddurs… I do worry we won’t have siddurs…
Your harmony is off… It’s not harmony. You’re singing a different song.
You don’t smile. You are the least friendly shul… You hang out together, as snobs
It might be the harmony… It bothers me too...
You look mean, because you don’t smile... You scare people. They come to shul and worry if they should be here. Your lack of smiling is... We don't need security. People walk in and see you, and leave...
If you see God, you don't worry. You smile... To see Michael's smile is to worry...
You see God and do Teshuva. Balak would've just repented... You don't get other people to do your cursing. You don't get other people to come to the rabbi and complain, like Sadie did last week, on behalf of Rachel...
The rabbi got a lot of kickback, telling the congregation that good Jews don't have to worry. Many of the members were worried about that statement. The congregants started questioning their tradition, and if their parents were in Shamaim, heaven. The rabbi is now worried he's going to lose his job.
The shul had to throw out two hundred siddurs, due to old people who can’t turn pages without salivating on their siddur.
The rabbi called the congregants worriers. not warriors.
The congregants aren’t worried about the Ukraine. They're more worried about having to hear Max harmonize.
The front area is like a chaching harmony of coughs. That is where the spitting Halacha comes from, by Aleynu. They realized the old people had to spit in shul. They can't go two hours without spitting or drooling in shul.
The rabbi has now been going to war with the congregants about paying their dues. He sees they don’t want to pay. He's not worried they don't want to pay. He knows they don't. The office told him.
The shul Kumzits was messed up. No guitar. Just singing. No bangos. Just singing and banging on the chairs.
I don’t think anybody knew any of the songs. It was all harmony. No melody. Either that, or they sing more off than I thought. It's weird that they don't even know the Adon Olam. The must sung tune, and they don't know it. Either that or they've created their own melodies. Each person, his own.
There is a snobby Kiddish group. They sit at their own table and don’t say hi to anybody. They either stare at you or ignore you. Being ignored is not as threatening. I believe the shul has a Kiddish every week to weed out the weak people who fell through the cracks at shul, and made it through all of davening without feeling threatened enough to leave.
The snobby group even takes their own bottle of cola to the table. People are too intimidated to drink. They can’t ask them, as they’re not part of the cool kids group. They just look at the cool table and think how enjoyable cola, not from Shop Rite, would be.
The rabbi is right. They don't smile. They see a new person in shul and eye them down. They stare at them until they leave, in fear that they will want to daven with Kavanah. People who are in shul to pray to God with proper intent are not very welcome. The shul has a history of religious people adding fifteen minutes onto services.
When the rabbi made the announcement about smiling, people were staring.
Michael truly does look awkward when he smiles. He looks normal, and then he starts to smile and you see the braces. Very weird looking. Scares people.
There is now a course on smiling. The rabbi brought in a smiling trainer. There seems to be muscles that the congregants haven't used in a while, in their mouths. I thought their mouths were strong, as they eat a lot. Yet, smiling and gorging use different muscles. The smiler coach did note that the members are very good at frowning. They have those muscles well developed.
The smile trainer is also trying to help people smile normal. The ones who smile are worse than the ones who don't. All congregants are now required to go for mandatory orthodontics. We have also placed a hygienist at the entrance of the shul, to ensure that there is clean teeth and decent breath. It turns out that the reason the close talking has been chasing away people is due to bad oral hygiene.
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That is how the punchline of a Jewish joke should look. Like you're questioning something, dealing with serious stomach issues, or giving a sermon.