I Knew Pesach Was Here When

by Rivka Schwartz

Here goes one of those lists. I knew Pesach was here when...

I had to pay $11 for mayonnaise.
I had to pay $3 for Coke.
Nobody was at shul. We had Davening, but nobody showed.
People went to hotels and were willing to spend 30k to not have to clean their house.
My cousins came and didn't help us clean.
I started worrying about starving.
I found out about potato starch and stopped worrying.
I hadn't slept for a week and my house still wasn't clean, even when my cousin showed up with her kids.
My cousin saw me cleaning and didn't offer to help.
I saw people running on the street wildly screaming 'we have to clean.'
We sold our Chametz, but have no idea who we sold it to.
A random guy knocked on our door and said we have his food.
I shot the guy.
I was excited to find baked goods for less than twenty dollars.
I bought a Costco membership to save thirty dollars on Matzah and ten dollars on chocolate covered almonds.
I prepared so hard for a meal and fell asleep in the middle of it.
I had to purchase more Haggadahs, as another fifty rabbis wrote Haggadahs over the year.
My house was finally a bit clean.
I still wasn't able to find anything.
We pulled out our best china dishes, and realized we use plastic the rest of the year. But for the eight days, we have really nice plates. We're classy.
Everybody was fighting.
Meat ended up costing more, and the butcher said it was Pesach.
I didn't understand what the difference was with Kosher for Pesach meat.
I questioned how the cost of meat went up.
I told the kids they have to clean the windows.
My kids asked how that has to do with Pesach.
I told the kids 'It's Pesach,' and that was my reasoning.
I then told them the lawn had to be mowed for Pesach.
I was happy the windows finally got cleaned.
I asked my husband why we don't have a cleaning person like everybody.
My kids asked a lot of questions and I couldn't tell them to stop asking questions.
I told them that the only time they're allowed to ask questions is the Seder.
I was trying to figure out why there's no annoying son.
During the rest of the year we don't encourage questions.
The kids started running around the house with their food.
I threw out my laptop, just in case.
My husband didn't help.
I needed more tinfoil. Five rolls of tinfoil does not cover the house.
When it came to the Seder, he took a lot of credit. He even called himself the head of the Seder.
My fingers were full of cuts.
I learned cleaning is dangerous.
I was called a heretic for only staying up till 3am.
I started liking desserts made with coconuts. I never liked those before. And I won't like them after Pesach.
I was worried about having to put all the Pesach stuff away for eight days.
I realized I like Shavuot more than Pesach.
And we still went away. And for some reason, the in-laws couldn't have us for the first days, to make the whole Pesach thing easier on us.