To feel more religious, you want to look down on other people.
You're only as religious as the other person you can make fun of. You can only be religious if you can say that someone else is not. Here are things you can say to help yourself feel more religious. Look at them. They only had twenty-five guests at their Seder. Apikorsim. His Tefillin are so small. Probably got them from his Zaidy. My Tefillin are huge and meaningful. I would never trust his Hashgacha. They can't even make a Kugel. They Daven there. I would never go to that shul. Heretics. I don't think I saw a Hadassah Cookbook in their home. Not Jewish. Don't trust them. They ate at the Helmowitz family. I would never eat there. Their kids don't even close their eyes for the Shemonah Esrei. They call the Shabbis Shemonah Esrei the Amidah. So not Frum. I saw him at the butcher. Didn't even buy chopped liver for Shabbis. Are they even Jewish?! They were walking around the block. I heard him say he was exercising. I told you, you shouldn't count him for a Minyin. Nope. Didn't even call it a Shpatzir. Called it exercise. A Busha. I think I even heard him say he was 'watching himself.' He said 'Shabbat Shalom.' He's not even Jewish. Have a Good Shabbis. They only got two calendars for Rosh Hashana. Even the Federation doesn't think their Jewish. And they think everybody is Jewish. Chabad definitely doesn't trust them. Her Shaytel. It's a Shanda. They went down to New York and didn't even go to Brooklyn. I heard they went to the Bronx. Are there even Jews there. They've never even been to Monsey. I heard they go to Israel for the Yom Tovim. Jews don't do that. I overheard them say 'Chagim.' If they get an Aliyah, I'm leaving this shul. They didn't even go to a hotel for Pesach. If they eat in their home on Pesach they're Apikorsim. I told you. The called it the Poconos. Who calls it the Poconos? It's The Mountains. Nope. Didn't even call it the Catskills. During Chol Hamoed, they didn't go to the zoo. They call them soup nuts, not Mandelin. Are they even Jewish. Maybe they're Israeli. Either way, I'm don't trust their Hashgacha. He was wearing the same pants at the end of the holiday he was wearing when it started. Did he even keep the holiday?! Didn't even put on weight. A Shanda. He probably ate nothing. A heretic. I'm four sizes up right now, because I'm Jewish. They don't even know what a Charles Tyrwhitt shirt is. Apikorsim. I heard their kids don't even go to summer camp. No idea what they do for the summer. They're definitely not Jewish for the summer. Only pulls in five figures. I told you they're not Jewish. You need six figures just to send your kids to day school. Kosher? They definitely don't keep kosher. Always say, 'I would never eat at their house.' All statements of belittlement should end with that. It will help you feel more religious. Tags:
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What do say when eating a leafy vegetable that’s been peppered with a little salt and a dash of citrus? Kale Melach Leemon. You get it? Instead of Kel Melech Ne’eman, which is said before Shema- when said alone. Kel is Gd’s name but not. It’s Gd’s name pronounced un-in-vain. In this prayer, you spell Gd’s substituted name more phonetically correct to suit the vegetable. Melach is salt. And Leemon is lemon, for those learning the correct Hebrew word. Or maybe just say the Ha’adama blessing, as it’s from the ground. A lot of thought went into this pun. And heresy. 
I felt bad executing the bagel. But I did what I had to. There was lox.
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Yad Soledet Bo, temperature at which a hand gets burnt, and retracts, is 113 to 160°F. How do we know this? The rabbis got people to test it. They would have people risk their hands. When the person screamed, they were like, "That's the temperature." Some people didn't scream right away. They tried toughing it out. And when they passed out, the rabbi was like, "That's the temperature..." And the students of the rabbi were in shock, "I can't believe he made it to 160°F." And thanks to Reb Shloimy, who is no longer with us, we were able to figure out the highest degrees of what would be considered cooking on Shabbat. If he didn't risk his life, we wouldn't have known.
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The Kibbitzer, where we take Jewish comedy seriously!!! If you are offended, it's satire written by David Kilimnick and poorly edited by David Kilimnick.
So, blame his pseudonyms.
A friend of the Off The Wall Comedy Theater, JHF and The Kibbitzer are here to bring unity and Jewish connection for you, in honor of Rabbi Kilimnick ZT"L.
The Kibbitzer is Funded by the JHF (The Jewish Humor Foundation) and you.
Contact us to share ideas, make a donation and to sponsor Harbatzas Tzchok, the spreading of tradition through laughter, with articles or series in honor and memory of your loved ones.
The Kibbitzer, where we take Jewish comedy seriously!!! If you are offended, it's satire written by David Kilimnick and poorly edited by David Kilimnick.
So, blame his pseudonyms.
A friend of the Off The Wall Comedy Theater, JHF and The Kibbitzer are here to bring unity and Jewish connection for you, in honor of Rabbi Kilimnick ZT"L.
The Kibbitzer is Funded by the JHF (The Jewish Humor Foundation) and you.
Contact us to share ideas, make a donation and to sponsor Harbatzas Tzchok, the spreading of tradition through laughter, with articles or series in honor and memory of your loved ones.
4/13/2023
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