Sermons of Rebuke III: Achrei Mot-Kedoshim

by Rivka Schwartz

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As a community, the post holiday dieting didn’t work. It is clear that the community has kept on it's Pesach pounds, or clothes have gotten a light tighter.
Not eating Matzah is not considered a diet. The rabbi wanted people to know that you can get heavy off of bread as well.
 
The community is working on a kosher restaurant. All fear that nobody will want to go, as members of our shul will go. We understand your fear of having to have a conversation about Rivka's kids when getting a corned beef sandwich. Don't worry, we will make sure it is a deli. This will chase away Jews who only eat at Texas style smokehouses nowadays.
The Beckers are scared to reopen the kosher restaurant, as Jews might come. We ask the Hirshmanns to notify the Beckers they will not eat there. We all know how annoying the Hirshmanns can be as customers, always asking for the vegan option.
 
Since Pesach, it's been taking too long for people to walk up for their Aliyahs. The rabbi has required mandatory Pilates classes. If you don't attend Pilates classes, you will not receive an honor at shul.
The rabbi has also made it clear that there will be no Kibudim for people who need to push themselves up from their seats with their armrests.

Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
(Vayikra 6:29) '...in the seventh month, on the tenth of the month, you shall afflict your souls'... Yom Kippur Bernie. You afflict on Yom Kippur. You don't afflict me now... I know Rosh Hashana is the beginning of the year, but it's in the seventh month... Yes. And days start at night. This is logic. I feel like I am being afflicted by a bunch of heathens who think days start at dawn.
It doesn't say to afflict your rabbi...

What is affliction? Finally a decent question. Affliction is when a congregant comes to your office and starts telling you about their family.
Abstention from food and drink (Yoma 74b). That is the affliction we speak of on Yom Kippur. Seeing how you all ate on Pesach, I believe our community understands this...
You lose weight by fasting. After Rosh Hashana you don't eat. After all the brisket you take down... Stop eating. That's how you lose weight. It's in the Torah...
Working out happens after Yom Kuppur. I am sure the Kohens worked out to help the Kohen Gadol with the Yom Kuppur service... They did Pilates. You need a strong core to sacrifice.
You need a strong core for Aliyas as well... Shlomo. We waiting five minutes for you to get up to the Bima after you got back from the Pesach hotel. You afflicted the congregation with your out of shapedness. Just watching you get up from your chair was an affliction.
 
It’s spring. Summer is around the corner. This is the only community that is fine being out of shape… No. Swimsuits are Asur.
At least try. Try to get in shape. Maybe tuck in a shirt at least... It makes you look thinner.

(Vayikra 17:4) Sacrifices had to be done in the Temple. Outside of the Temple they get cut off... No. You are just skipping Minyin.

The Yom Kippur service is about tradition. Kosher restaurants are about tradition... No. There will be no salad bar... There is no brisket in salad, Michelle. If you can make a brisket salad, I will think about allowing a salad bar.
It will be a deli. Since when have Jews abandoned tradition and stopped eating in delis?!
Texas style smokehouses are not tradition… Even if it’s corned beef. Smokehouses are not Jewish.
It’s going to be called Beckers Deli because the Beckers own it… The Hirshmanns are very annoying. And Rivka, you scare people away. You’re lovely, but nobody goes to Marshall’s anymore. They fear they will have to have a conversation with you about your grandchild’s last Simcha... I am sorry they didn't have a vegan option Mr. Hirshmann. It was a smokehouse. What are they supposed to smoke? Lettuce?!
This is going to be a deli, and I for one believe in tradition. There will be no kosher deli with a vegan option in this town.

It's about not sinning. It's about not turning delis into smokehouses... Not everything is about a healthy diet, Bernie. Treat people well. Don't talk Lashon Hara. Don't hate in your heart. Don't bear a grudge... Love your neighbor as you (19:18)... It ends with 'I am H".' When you understand Gd's oneness, you understand the connection with your neighbor. And you encourage them to lose weight after Pesach. And you encourage them to keep our traditions and to eat in delis. You look at the Hershanns and you realize how much you've messed up.
Yes. And follow other Mitzvot, unlike Michelle who still can't get over the lack of salad bars.

If you mess up, you bring an offering... You bring it to the Beis Hamikdash. There is no Temple nowadays... The only part of the Torah you are keeping is the messing up... Well there is a lot of hatred here. I understand it's hard to love your neighbor when it is the Hershmanns.
 
Rivka’s Rundown
I do talk about my kids a lot. I like to spread my Nachis. If it keeps them out of Marshall's I'm fine with that. I don't need competition at the clearance rack. And some of the members of our community take number tags into the dressing room in the late teen numbers. I've seen it. I once saw a twenty-two card go in with... I won't say the name. I'm not a talebearer.

Nobody liked the idea of a post Pesach fast. The congregation voted and they're happy to wait till the Seventeenth of Tamuz and Tisha BAv. The board discussed it, and they will plan to lose their fifteen pounds on those two days.
When the rabbi mentioned working out, the congregants didn't like that either. Pilates classes were not attended. Nor was Minyin. Though, people did show up for Kiddish after Pesach.
 
The deli is a place Jews can get heavy too. Once that came out that the Kosher deli will have traditional fat, everybody was into it.
I feel that our Jewish community is antisemitic. Expressing that you won’t open a kosher restaurant in fear that Jews will show sounds to be a bit of Jew hatred by Jews. Maybe I'm wrong in my assessment. It might just be that they don't like a lot of people, and they all happen to be Jews.
I understand the Hirshmanns are annoying and I talk about my kids, but that is what the deli is about. You sit at your table after you go to the other tables to say ‘Hi.’ At the smokehouse, nobody ever greeted anybody. You just came and enjoyed your food. No Jew wants that. That’s not what a deli is about. Matzah ball soup is about a discussion. It's served with a long long conversation.
The smokehouse closed with COVID. Since then, it's been hard to be a Jew in Topeka. I think that is why all the people that went away for Pesach ate so much. They realized they would have to cook at home when they got back. And that's almost as scary as cleaning.
 
To my amazement, even the vegans were fine with no kosher option at the deli. They said that they are against killing tradition and animals.

Why the rabbi had to tell people they can get heavy off bread?!

I am glad the rabbi banned swimsuits. If people wore swimsuits in our congregation, things would be different. We would lose a large portion of our membership.