Sermons of Rebuke III: Tazria-Metzora and Yom HaAtzmaut

by Rivka Schwartz

Announcements
The Yom HaAtzmaut Parade will not be attended, as we are scared of anti-Semites. We will share our love and pride of Israel in our homes, watching Shark Tank.
This Wednesday, the Federation will host a Yom HaAtzmaut march on Zoom. People will be able to march on screen. If you have a green screen, make it look like there's a moving background, for solidarity-sake.
 
We will celebrate Yom HaAtzmaut at shul with falafel, as that is why our great Home Land was founded.
All kids are asked to wear blue pants and white shirts, so they can stain their shirts easier.
 
Please work on your Hebrew accents. Your Americanized Hebrew accent is starting to bother everybody. This is for Sandra. Please, either speak in English, or learn how to speak Hebrew normally.
 
For Rosh Chodesh it would be nice to see you in shul. Maybe repent for a day before you stop coming again.
 
Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
(Vayikra 13:31) '...the Kohen quarantines him for seven days'... Kohens quarantine. Our Kohens can't even do the Duchening right... Duchening is the blessing. You're supposed to bless us Bill. Your cup your hands. It looks like you're begging for money... I look, because you're not Duchening. It's not a Bracha. Not with fingers like that.
Why do we not quarantine more?! If nobody saw Bernie for seven days, this would be a happy congregation... Mike wasn't quarantined, he was binge watching Shark Tank. That's why he wasn't at shul all week.
Tzaras, Baheret. A very pale congregation. I don't know what caused it- if it's Lashon Hara or lack of sun...
Other people talk Lashon Hara about how pale you are. A pale, out of shape congregation with no personality.
I don't know what the Kohen has on his hands. It's just messed up Duchening. He doesn't know how to split fingers right...
 
Sometimes for another seven days. I think we should quarantine congregants for fourteen days... No. Just for being annoying.
I know it won't help with the paleness, but at least we won't have to see them.
You talk Lashon Hara. Do we need a Baheret to tell us you talk about other people? We have Kiddish to prove that to us... All you do is talk Lashon Hara at the vegetable platter.
Quarantine the Kohens. They do such a bad job at the Bracha, I don't even think H' understands their 'Yivarechecha...' Nobody has any idea what you're saying. All we do is talk Lashon Hara about it and look pale.
Quarantine Sandra until she learns to speak Hebrew in a way that doesn’t bother everybody...
 
The Yom HaAtzut committee are the only people in this city that know how to quarantine... You told people not to come to your event. You told them to quarantine for the march.
Scared of anti-Semites, so you tell people to make falafel at home... You can't have a Zoom parade. There is no pride in a Zoom parade.
Did you see yourself marching in your house?! You look like fools. And you should've cleaned the place...

Can you become clean? Good question. Not the way our congregants are unkempt...
(13:34) '...the Kohen shall pronounce he (the contaminated one) is clean and he shall wash his clothes and he shall become clean.' The word for clean here is 'pure,' Tahor. Our Kohen doesn't even know how to say pure in Hebrew.
You are not just pure if you are not clean. If you come to shul with un-laundered Shabbis clothes, you might as well speak Lashon Hara. You're not clean. You're not pure and you are still pale... Nothing to do with Tzaraas. Just very white. Maybe sunburned...

Clean yourselves for crying out loud. You have to do something for purity... I don't know if the shul isn't pure. I can tell you that nobody has vacuumed the hallways since Rosh Hashana. And you can't celebrate Yom HaAtzmaut with impure hallways.
At least clean your home for Yom HaAtzmaut… The whole shul is going to see it on Zoom... I can't stand that we have to see the people that are supposed to be quarantined on a group chat.
 
Rivka’s Rundown
The rabbi started checking to people to see if they smelled of Dial or Zest. If they did not, the rabbi quarantined them and put them in the not good smelling section of the shul.

Many of the members are pale and out of shape. Everybody talks Lashon Hara about that.

The Kohens are off. Messed up finger placement. One of them seems to point his finger, like he's reprimanding us. The rabbi tried showing Star Trek, but the Kohens had no idea why the rabbi was making them watch it.

The Yom HaAtzmaut on Zoom was messed up. More messed up than Bill's Duchening. They were literally marching in their living room. With pride. Pathetic. I think the Finkelsteins were marching in St. Petersburg. Why? I have no idea. It was what was on the moving screen in their living room.
It was like Minyin. A Zoom Minyin. Something you can't do.

I think they served nonKosher at the Yom HaAtzmaut BBQ. How do you even find non-Kohsher falafel? You have to try.
 
Sandra has been trying to talk Hebrew. She has a very strong American ‘R’ and she over-pronounces the ‘Ah’s. Very annoying. She should be quarantined for talking Hebrew.