Sermons of Rebuke II: Va'eira

by Rivka Schwartz

Announcements
We are going to keep sending a lot of emails to remind you about events that we reminded you about. The emails will be the day of and the week of. And the week of too. There will be three emails the week of every program. We will also send emails for Shabbis. It appears the congregants of our shul forget about that.
Note that will be seen in emails: Shabbat is every Friday night and Saturday. Every week.
 
There will be no trip to Israel this year. Instead, we'll be going to Nashville. It’s a tourist spot and Jews like going there. The members want a vacation. To quote Bernie: ‘If I get away from stuff and have to see Jews, that’s not getting away from stuff.’ For this reason, people will go alone on this year's shul trip. You can book through Orbitz or Travelocity and not have to see other members on the shul trip.
 
Melaveh Malka Program will happen after Shabbat, to escort Shabbat out with food. That means there will be a fourth Shabbat meal. Right after Shabbat, you will have to eat more.
We will send out emails about the Melaveh Malka, the bakery being open and the Israel trip to Nashville.
 
Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils…
 
(Shemot 6:9) 'Moshe spoke this to Bnei Yisrael and they didn't listen to him due to shortness of breath and hard work.' Man. This congregation is lazy... The people didn't listen to Moshe because of shortness of breath. When you're out of shape like Eve... This congregation is just out of shape.
The congregants are not suffering from hard labor. Nobody in this shul works... I am talking manual labor. The kind of labor which translates to help in the shul kitchen. Maybe somebody leading in services every once in a while... You don't help. When it came to building the Sukkah… Because you’re always out of breath. You’re out of shape. There is no other explanation for why this congregation is so lazy... Reading an email is not labor, and you don't even do that...  That's why we send them all the time. Because you don't read them...
You called me a Paroh when I asked you to help build the Sukkah...
Not one member volunteered.

The Chanukah party was 'serve yourself'... It was buffet because nobody helped. Not one volunteer. The table was not even set up. People had to take their latkes from the oven... It was a catered event. You don’t sell a catered event where the people have to take their own food out of the oven... The youth even had to go in. I saw Tina and Chaim passing oven mitts to each other. Third graders with oven mittens... Nothing to do with the winter, Fran.

I now understand why none of you read the announcements or listen to my sermons, or help. This is the most out of shape congregation... Everybody up…
No. Exercise is good labor. You get breath from exercise... You have really taken this slavery thing way too far. You can go to the gym... It was 4,000 years ago. You can workout now. They didn't have gyms in Egypt...

Too many emails??? You don’t show up. That’s why we send them… Exactly. Even when we tell you the day before, you forget. We have to send it once the program starts… You only show up to stuff late. I know that, because none of you have ever shown up to Davening on time...
Kotzer Ruach (shortness of breath) should not be happening when you're walking up for an Aliyah...
I am tired of sending of the emails. I have Kotzer Ruach from sending emails.
Shabbat is every weekend. It doesn't change... I have to send an email because you people... If you know. Why don't you come?!... If we had the money, we would send a calendar every week. But it's emails... Can't you just hang a calendar in the kitchen that tells you to go to shul every once in a while??? Maybe something that also tells you to go to Israel, because you're Jewish...
 
You go to Israel. How is the shul trip not in Israel? Who took Israel out of the Jewish people? Do I need to send an email to the board to let them know that Israel is the Jewish homeland?!..
Well. When did you get rid of Israel???
I am going to Israel, because I am Jewish...
 
Now we need an email for the Melaveh Malka too?! It's right after Shabbis... I can't send emails on Shabbis. If you knew it was Shabbis, you would know that...
You should come for the Melaveh Malka. It’s for your mom’s memory… You didn’t see it? What do you mean you don’t read the emails? It’s up to you to find it in there... You're flying out after Shabbis. How are you going to skip your mother's Melaveh Malka?... Not knowing is not an excuse...
A Melaveh Malka happens when you do a Melaveh Malka. That’s the program… You don’t do a Melaveh Malka when you’re welcoming Shabbis… Because the Shabbis queen is being ushered in, not escorted out… Yes. You have to eat after Shabbat too. You have to eat more...
 
And Kiddish was shvach again. No decent baked goods. Do we have to send emails that the bakery is open and you should sponsor a decent Kiddish… No. You don’t sponsor Kiddish. You sponsor a good Kiddish. A Kiddish with decent baked goods. Not Kichel...
 
(Shemot 6:6-8) H' hears our cries and he tells us that He will bring us out, save us, redeem us, and take us from Egypt. Save us from the harsh work.... You are my Egypt.
I am praying Gd hears my cries and redeems me from here... This is why I am going to Israel. As H's last aspect of redemption, 'And I will bring you to the land...' And you guys are doing a shul trip to Nashville. I am redeemed...
In Israel, people walk. Health. They're not out of breath...
 
Now they’re crying… Kim. Please come back up. They're falling asleep again. I think Max is out of breath form sitting... It's not hard work to sit. You should not be sweating from your seat... Bernie has been tired for years. Sleeping again during the sermon...
This congregation is hard work... Help. Please. Just help.
 
Rivka’s Rundown
The rabbi had us doing calisthenics in the middle of the Sermon. The aerobics instructor of the JCC had people reaching side to side. In the middle of the sermon, we heard 'And side to side. And to the left. And to the right. And back. And side.' She must have said 'and' thirty times. Some members confused the grapevine for Simcha dancing.
The rabbi then required all congregants to get blood tests and eight hours of sleep a night, so they would listen to his sermons. He even told people to walk to shul, so they won’t be disgusting. I thought it was a great Kiruv move.
 
The rabbi told people to stop working, so they can be better Jews. His message was to stop working and to start working out. I think they misunderstood him though, as he was talking about not working on Shabbat. Now we're stuck with more congregants not paying their dues, and driving to shul on Shabbis. They forgot about the rabbi's message about walking to shul to not be disgusting. They argued that walking is work.
There is now preDavening mandatory weight lifting. The rabbi is now showing up to weekday Shacharit in a singlet.
 
That catered event should've been catered. Thirty dollars to take my own latke out of the oven was a bit much.
 
Emails are out of control. They’re now doing three a days. I think the office manager was a football player. Maybe it's part of the rabbi's new exercise routine.
They’re announcing everything. They’re even announcing Shiva times. Now Shiva is a regular service at the place.
I am against the rabbi on the emails. And if people don't read the emails, why are they sending them. That's not logic to me. And yes, the shul's emails go straight to my spam. I did it. I support the rabbi and I push everything from his office straight to spam. I even told Gmail that what he sends is spam. I support his sermons and what he does for the community, but online I am against him.
 
Israel was taken out of the shul’s policy. Not part of the focus anymore.
The board cancelled the trip. They said that it was more popular to go other places. Using Pesach hotels as an example, the board argued Jews should go to Cancun before going to Israel.
The board also made it clear that for the pilgrimage festivals you’re supposed to go to places that have decent prices on hotels. We are going to Morocco this year for Pesach. I don’t know if you can bring sacrifices there. But it's a good deal.
Kosher cruises are an anomaly to me. That's something I can't figure out. Why people would try to get away and still have to go to Minyin.
 
When people got back from the shul trip, they were so happy. I think this was the first shul trip people enjoyed. People were ecstatic. It was decided that from now on, for people's enjoyment, shul trips will be without people from the shul.
To get away from the congregants some of the members went to Israel with the rabbi. They said they would rather be around Jews than members of our shul. The rabbi agreed, saying, ‘I will go anywhere to get away from members of the board.’
 
Nobody heard about the Melaveh Malka program in memory of Sue. Her children didn’t know and the president blamed them for not coming. Let me be honest. Nobody reads the emails. They should've called Sue's kids.
Truth is you can’t find anything in the announcements. There are fifteen flyers. Sue's was the forest green. Sue’s name was written in forest green on a forest green flyer, in the middle of flyers for junior congregation and a shul trip to get away from shul.
Nobody knew what a Melaveh Malka is anyways. Nobody knew about eating after Shabbis. That was a shocker to me too. Most of the members were complaining that it was too much to have to eat three huge meals on Shabbis. They claimed to eat another meal was crazy. They said that if they eat another meal they'll be out of shape.