Sermons of Rebuke II: VaYigash and New Year's

by Rivka Schwartz

Announcements
New Year's Eve the shul will have Minyin.
Leftover latke party is going to happen on New Year's. We need to find a way to get rid of the latkes. The leftover latkes are due to the horrific latkes served at the shul's Chanukah party. We're going to fry them again, to hopefully hide the original taste of the Lefkowitz family recipe.
 
Another haircut is taking place this week. You must attend the three year old's haircut party. Upshering. Yes. That’s a celebration now too. Got to get them a gift for that haircut as well... Clips are good for long hair. Clips also work for Kippahs.
 
Anim Zemirot dads are asked to stay away from the Bima, or they will be ejected from shul. If you want to be involved in Anim Zemirot, teach your kids at home.
 
The only two families who paid full tuition for their children's Jewish education have realized they've been scammed. It turns out, they too don't want to pay full tuition now, because they have the money.
The school fundraiser will take place again this month. The goal is for nobody to have to pay full tuition.
 
Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Congregants...
Thank Gd people don’t read the announcements and people showed up today. First time people show up... Nobody expected anybody in the cold. But you were going sledding anyways... I worry about your Yiddishkeit. Your connection to Gd. Your going to Gehenim...
 
Yehuda is worried about Binyamin getting in trouble. Yakov didn't want him to take Binyamin because he was worried something bad will happen. Kind of like every time the board makes a decision...
(Bereisit 44:29) ‘If you take this one too from me, and tragedy happens to him, you will bring my years down to the grave in misery'... Yakov wasn't working for Beis Kneses Anshei Emes uSefilah. He did not have Bernie as a congregant, or Sadie getting mad at him for not hitting thirty minutes on his sermon last week. He didn't have a president who doesn't know what an Upshering is. Yet. He is worried about Binyamin. And he has deep hurt deep inside of him... Congregants can bring you down to the grave in misery...
 
Yakov wanted a good ending. He knew his years were coming to an end, and he was comforted by knowing a piece of his Rachel was still around... Our president gets rid of every piece of tradition we ever had... Then where is the huge craps Dreidel for Chanukah... I know that kids sitting next to the number has a casino feeling. That's what we want. People like going to the casinos... In this case. The casino Dreidel brings families together...
 
Binyamin was goodness to him. It's what he represented. He didn't represent the messed up traditions and board of Beis Kneses Anshei Emes uSefilah...
Rashi teaches ‘Now, when he is near me, I comfort myself regarding his mother and Yosef (who are gone), and if he dies it will be as if the three of them died on one day.’
Yes. Menachem. It is a lot. A lot rides on you. I see the back left of the men's section, and I see the board, I see the messed up Upshering hairdo, I see the latkes from the latke party, and I see Bernie, and I see the death of our shul... You could've gotten a barber to do the Upshering... There's no Mitzvah to give your kid a Number 2... Number 2 on the shaver teeth is not a style...
 
Let’s talk about Nachis for a second, and how you let your parents down… Binyamin brings Yaakov Nachis.
The next generation is a comfort... Well it should be. I know your kids let you down Fran. I see them every Shabbis. A great letdown.
When you see how they mess up, grandparents are not comforted. Still in their snow-boots... Well, take off the snow-boots. You're not sledding in shul...
 
New Year’s is coming up. What can you do... Well. You didn't do Teshuva on Rosh Hashana. Maybe now is the time. When the big apple drops. Did you even dip your apple in the honey on Rosh Hashana...
 
Nachis. There is no Nachis in an Upshering... We can’t celebrate everything. It’s a haircut. You’re not getting gifts from me. People are going broke on gifts… It’s your fault you had the party right after Chaukah.
 
Yaakov took pride, but he wasn’t annoying about it. You up there for Anim Zemirot. We don't even hear your kids... We hear you.
You get involved in Anim Zemirot like your child is an athlete… They’re leading services.
You stand there. Let the Gabai do his job. He’ll make sure your child finishes it fast… Nobody wants to hear your kid singing… Yes. Even Adon Olam. Everybody wants the fast tune...
 
You want to comfort me? How about you pay tuition for your kids. Maybe pay shul dues...
 
How do we find comfort? I don't know. I am the rabbi of this congregation. I am still trying to figure out how to find Nachis... Why is it called Nachis? Finally a good question. It's called Nachis, because your progeny is supposed to bring you comfort... For you messing up. Why do you think Tzimi takes his kids' Anim Zemirot so seriously?! He did a bad job when he was younger. So, he needs the Nachis... No. Let the Gabai be there. You're messing up your kids too.

You want your kids ending up like the brothers? Then, don’t pay Jewish day school tuition... You want our kids ending up like Bernie? Then, don't pay for our kids to be educated at the Jewish day school...
We have a new fundraiser every month, so that parents don't pay. The rest of the community pays for their day school education... No. Parents don't get Nachis from their kids. They want to save on their education...
 
No comfort here. You have brought me down in misery… This is why people drink on New Year’s.
None of you are a Binyamin. Not one Binyamin in the shul. Just Bens...
Any resolutions?... I am going to try to avoid the board this year...

Rivka’s Rundown
Best fundraiser ever. 'You want our kids ending up like Bernie? Then, don't pay for our kids to be educated at the Jewish day school.' Tons of money was raised. As long as it's not called tuition, people will give.

Two families fell for it last year. They paid the full tuition. They thought full tuition meant they should pay full tuition. For some reason, they’re mad their wealthier friends don’t pay it.
From our Sages: How do you become wealthy in the Jewish community? You don't pay Jewish day school tuition.
 
Anim Zemirot dads are bad. What’s worse is Anim Zemirot moms. They’re yelling, coming in so loud from the women’s section. I heard one mom throw her hands up and yell out, ‘Come on Gabai!’
When the rabbi said 'everybody wants the fast tunes,' people got up and started cheering. That's the first time people cheered in the shul. It started with emotional applause, even though your not supposed to do that on Shabbis (yet, they were already sledding). Then people started standing up and cheering for the rabbi.
We're not going to discuss the ark opening dads. They get violent. One dad threw another kid aside so his kid could pull the curtain string.
 
The Upshering hairdo was messed up. If the dad cared about his kids, he would focus on a better haircut, and not Anim Zemirot.
 
We’re celebrating everything.
Everything is a party in our shul now, and you have to buy gifts for everything. We had eighteen parties for one engagement. A vort, Lechaim, Shabbat Chatan, Shabbat Kallah, Ufroof, the in-laws had it all, the friends had to have it too. Then, everything has to be celebrated by the other side. Also had the shower.
Then they wanted to know why nobody wanted to buy them wedding gifts.
I stopped buying gifts for people, and it’s helped my finances a lot. I get invited to less parties now, and I am a much happier member of the community. The less people like me, the more I like coming to shul.

The huge Dreidel for the Chanukah spin game, and the kids standing next to the letter they are picking is an amazing gambling concept. One night where congregants don't go to the casino. And they didn't do it this year. In response, the casino served Sufganiot.

And the New Year's party was not much of a celebration. The latkes killed that party too.