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Yom Kippur is when you're sealed in the book of life. But you really should be thinking about getting married. You should be checking out people in shul. You need to seal yourself in the book of love. If you're a guy, do whatever you can to look over the Mechitza, if you have to. Stand on a chair, do it.
As a woman, I will give you some advice.
Yes. The memorial service.
Some people go to clubs, others go to bars, others go to their niece's little league game, others go to speed dating, others browse the computer. My suggestion is to go to shul on Yom Kippur. There is no better time to meet your Jewish match than Yizkur. When others are remembering their loved ones, you should be meeting your love.
We Feel Bad
I want you people to meet. I see you sitting in shul without a Tallis and it's pathetic. I see girls with no head covering and I'm worried they're heretics. Then I understand, why they have no doily. They're not married. That makes me feel worse than knowing they're heretics.
On Yom Kippur, as congregants, we feel like we have to do Teshuva for you. That's how bad we feel about seeing your pathetic singleness.
Step Out for Yizkur
This is when you make your move. In shul, we're thinking about the deceased. That's when you make your move, outside.
This is when the single girls go out. If they're inside, they're probably thinking about a lost loved one. It's not proper to jump into Yizkur and stop the Kel Maleh for you to get her number. You can't write on Yom Kippur anyways.
The family members we all lost would like nothing more than to look down from heaven and see everybody in shul with a Tallis.
You Don't Have To Look Good
Most men look disheveled. On Yom Kippur, you have an excuse. Your shoes can look off. It's OK.
Yom Kippur is like Tu BAv. On both days, the single women would run in the vineyards in white garments. Yom Kippur, like Tu BAv is a holiday of love. So focus on the ladies. Not repentance. Why white garments? You expect them to get married in black?! On Yom Kippur you can also wear white with no worries. Without eating, you don't have to worry about stains. You run in the vineyard, eating grapes, you're going to stain the dress.
Make It Look Like You're Devout
During the service, they're checking you out.
Women are attracted to the guy that looks like he's really squinting his eyes. That shows commitment to Gd.
Don't Do Shiva Houses
Visit Shiva houses, and comfort the people. But that's not the right time. Wait for Yizkur.
Simchat Torah is your next chance. Don't hit on girls on Sukkot. They have a Lulav in their hands and they can hurt you.
The singles will be showing up to shul for Simchat Torah. You can tell the single people by how cute they think the kids are. If they're holding little ones, saying something with a hipitch, and pinching cheeks, that's probably a single a girl.
Don't dance. Nobody looks like they have moves when dancing in a circle. I can care less how much kicking you do. Skip the celebration and make a move. Go over and talk. We want to see you guys leaving the celebration. We just want to see you married. It's pathetic seeing you men in shul without a Tallis.
In Israel, they do Yizkur on Simchat Torah as well. Excellent. So, if you miss your chance, just wait till the next time people are thinking of their loved ones who are not with us anymore.
After the holidays and Yom Kippur you always have Shabbat. Kiddish is the perfect time to meet your special someone. You'd be surprised to find out how many girls like Kichel.
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He said he was only giving ten percent to charity. They called him a Mayser.
You get it? Miser. Mayser. Mayser is a tithe. They sound alike. If a Mayser was a type of person, it would work. He'd be a Mayser who gives Mayser. The Mayser would be a Miser.
Respect for our members of Hatzalah. What these guys are willing to do to drive a car on Shabbis... That guy on the right looks too comfortable to save anybody. The guy on the left is the one I would want showing up. He’s got more keys, and that’s the sign of a Hatzalah man that knows what’s going on... I respect them stopping and posing for the picture. It’s a great photo. I just hope the guy they were on their way to made it. (photo: hatzalah.org)