How To Be Noticed in Shul and Look Good: A Beginners Guide

by Rabbi David

Praying with Kavanah, silently in their seats. Other than the angry guy, these are people who don't know how to be noticed in shul.

The only way to look good in shul is to be noticed. And the only way to do that is to be very loud. Make noise and you will look good. You will at least look like you know what's going on.
You want to make noise while other people are trying to pray with Kavanah. We've dealt with this in the past. Yet, I still have much to help with regarding getting oneself noticed in shul. I have learned much from my years in around the Kehilah. I am a wealth of Frum knowledge, and I shall share a Bissel more with you.

Chuch a lot
Clear your throat as much as possible. When starting a Tefillah, when turning a page, when greeting people in the middle of the silent Amidah prayer; these are all opportunities to Chuch. This tradition began in the early 1900s. It must’ve. Every older guy in my shul does this. I am guessing it dates back to Eastern Europe. A lot of Chuching in Lithuania.
Coughing and sneezing is also a tradition from the old country. I don't know how they are able to cough that loud, but the sound of mucus from Lithuania in there is very noticeable.

Get Involved in Aliyahs to the Torah
Nobody asks you. Chutzpah. You turned down the Gabai job. That doesn't mean you don't make the decisions. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t complain to the Gabai.
Anytime you have a chance to tell somebody how to do their job, you’re important. Hence, you should always be telling the Gabai and Chazin what to do. Tell the Gabai who to call up. If it's a Kohen in a Yisrael spot, you still look good getting involved, telling the people what to do. Better yet, just say 'you're doing it wrong.'

Tell the Baal Tefillah to Go Faster
You don't have to be a Gabai for this either. You just have to be loud. Chazin is going at the right speed for the prayers, who cares. Tell him 'faster.' Then, tell him 'slower.' The goal is to let him know he is doing nothing right.
Better yet, just say, 'You're doing it wrong.' Disapproval means importance. Again, telling people what to do fashions importance. Especially when you're telling them that they're doing it wrong.

Pace
This will get you noticed. Physical movement is key to being noticed. Sometimes, yelling at people and telling them they are wrong doesn't do the job.
Walk around the shul. Go over to people. Add in a talk for extra importance affect. I suggest the waving the hands method. Waving of your arms is also a good way to ruin people's Kavanah. If you can breakdance, do it. The pilot will definitely draw attention. Do not bring a boombox. I have seen people get kicked out of shul for that. Your smartphone can do the job.
The Movement Method of being noticed is why shuckling became very popular in the Yeshiva world in the early 1980s.

Go Loud Every Once in a While
Nobody would be loud if they didn't understand what was going on. A good loud Hebrew word gets you noticed. Time it at every two and a half minutes and it will sound good. 'Ya'aleh vYavo' is a good one to shout. Stick to that one and you'll be good. Forget about Rosh Chodesh.
Mumbling loud works as well. It keeps the other congregants guessing, and it sounds like Hebrew spoken by an Ashkenazi.

Move Stuff
Organize the shul in the middle of Davening. Bring in a sofa. If that doesn't work. A freezer and a generator might help you get noticed.

Looks of Disapproval
Give a look of disapproval with an audible breath. A complaint, especially when loud, shows you're running things. Perfect way of showing complaint and importance. You can add in a headshake of disapproval for loud movement purposes.
Best is when the Chazin is leading the Davening at the correct speed. At that point, express disapproval. Only a Chashiv person can pull that. And remember to tell them, 'You're doing it wrong.'

​Ask for Tzedaka
That seems to be a religious thing to do. Ask for Tzedaka while people are trying to pray. And that was another anti-Semitic moment.

Talk
Talk to people. Middle of prayers, talk to people. Have full-on regular conversation. Only somebody who is important would have a full conversation at regular volume in shul.
I hear somebody talking in the middle of Shacharit, I'm thinking, 'This is an important guy. He must have something to say about weeding a garden.'

Kick Somebody Out of Your Seat
If you really want to look good, kick somebody out of a seat. People will see that and they will respect you. It doesn't even have to be your seat. Just kick them out. 
If you can tell somebody they're sitting in your seat, you've made it. Especially if you haven't paid your dues yet. Just the ability to say 'that is my seat' when showing up an hour late to Davening, that looks good. That's a powerful man. One who garners respect.

A Really Big Hat
A huge hat will do the job. Just wear a big hat, huge brim, and you're good to go. That will disturb everybody's Kavana.

These are just a few ways to be noticed in shul. If we learned nothing, being noticed looks good no matter what you do. I am sure, as a member of the congregation you'll find a way to be noticed.
You're important if you tell people what to do. So, get better at that. Remember, as long as you think you look good, you look good. And looking good means being noticed.
Bang a table. In addition to the methods we discussed, bang a table. Even if it's not Rosh Chodesh. Just bang a table real loud. That will get you noticed, and scare people. They notice your bang, they'll never take a chance sitting in a seat. And remember to always tell people they're doing it wrong.
If nothing else works, join the Kiddish club. Those guys are loud.

Next week we shall discuss the Holy Method of being noticed and outlouding your Hebrew in a holy way when outdoing the rabbi with your Shema and a loud Chuch.