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It is the Nine Days, the time of Jewish calamity, and Jews are enjoying themselves in The Mountains not swimming. There's no greater feeling than mourning. So, let's delve into the sadness of this time.
Here are the bad things that happened during this time (Mishnah Taanit 4:6), on Tisha BAv: The Twelve Spies returned from their mission and spoke disparagingly about the land of Israel, saying stuff like it has big grapes. Which back then was offensive. The spies' mission wasn't to come back and complain. Truth is, I don't remember one shul trip to Israel where people didn't complain about the heat. Even the spies didn't complain about the heat. And out members are old. The first time they don't feel a draft and they complain. (Bamidbar Rabbah 16:20) Gd said, 'You cried before me pointlessly, I will make for you (this day as a day of) crying for the generations.' And H' wasn't lying. H' sticks to His word. And Tisha BAv is not a good day. And kids cry at camp every summer, due to their parents abandoning them. And their parents are happy. Let's see what else happened. The First Temple was destroyed by Nebuchadnezzar in 586 BCE. The Second Temple was destroyed by the Romans in 70 CE. There is something about Tisha BAv that has people thinking it's a good time for destruction during any CE. It's the heat. I'm telling you, it's the heat. If the spies would've went in Nisan or Iyar when the weather is decent and the grass is blooming, they would've loved it. And the grapes would've been smaller. The Romans crushed Bar Kokhba’s revolt and destroyed Beitar, killing over 500,000 Jewish civilians in 135 CE. I'm still not over this. I can tell you, the people in Jerusalem care very much about Beitar to this day. Beiter went thirteen years, prior to 2023, without winning the Israeli Football Premier League Cup. So, don't think anybody forgets Beitar. People do still mourn Beitar sometimes. Roman commander Quintus Tineius Rufus plowed the site of the Temple, not realizing the city is stone, full of rock. and not optimal for vegetation. Joke's on Quintus. Some Other Stuff That Happened: More Bad Times The first Crusades commenced. It was official. They had a parade and killed us. Jews were expelled from everywhere. When you're expelled from everywhere, where do you go? Russia. The Final Solution received approval. They asked if they should kill the Jews, and the answer was yes. Not much discussion. I believe the answer was, 'Are you an idiot?! Of course you kill the Jews.' It's the August heat. It gets Europeans wanting to kill Jews. The thought: 'It's 90 outside. The Jews!!!' 'Exactly. Kill them!' As a Jew, I don't visit Europe during the summers. Jews disengaged from Gaza. At this point, you would've thought the Israeli government realized it was a bad idea to do stuff on Tisha BAv. Not good PR. A bunch of Apikorsim. If they would've waited till after Tisha BAv, the residents would've been more compliant. You expect people to move on a fast day?! At around six in the afternoon, I had a hankering for some split pea soup. That was real hard. That kind of got me a bit emotional. Fast days get me thinking about how I miss split pea. Mushroom and barley doesn't hit the spot on a fast. Just pea. I can go on about the Tisha BAv that we had no split pea. While I was hungry, I had to sit on a floor and say Kinot for six hours. I had mixed feelings about that, as I was sad. And it feels good to be sad. There is more stuff that happened on Tisha BAv. I know during COVID my mutual fund plummeted. And articles don't come out as funny when you're talking about Jewish massacres and destruction of Jerusalem and the Temples. Let us all pray for redemption and Bracha, and that the local butcher has Osem soup nuts. Those go excellent with split pea soup. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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As The Three Weeks, between the calamities, is upon us, it's important to remember the bad stuff, and to write something that somebody will be offended by. So. What happened on the 17th of Tammuz?
The Mishnah in Taanit (4:6) teaches that five things happened: 1) Moshe broke the Luchot. He was a bit shocked when he came down from Mount Sinai and saw Maury worshiping a Golden Calf. The guy never had Kavanah (proper intent) during Davening. All the sudden, he's bowing. For this, he has energy. That's when you break tablets. And then to find out that Ruchel gave up her earrings and a bracelet for it. A smack in the face. And I lost a sock. 2) During the Babylonian siege of Jerusalem, the Jews were forced to cease offering the daily sacrifices due to the lack of sheep. Now people were stuck eating melons. Nobody talks about the lack of sleep. They got great sleep without the sheep. Before the lack of sheep there was baaing all over the Old City. You couldn't get a good night's sleep. Imagine American Yeshiva kids talking outside your door in the Rova all night. It's the same thing. Painful. 3) Apostomos burned a Torah scroll. Hate the guy. Don't know if he was a Greek or Roman officer. Either way. Hate the guy. If he would've known how much a Torah costs, he wouldn't have burned it. He would've tried to sell it on the black market. We have to let the anti-Semites know how much Torahs go for, before attacking us. They might want to go into business with us. 4) An idol was placed in the Second Temple. If Apostomos would've burned that, we would've liked him. And I had to get an oil change, which ended up costing sixty-five dollars. That was bothersome. 5) The walls of Jerusalem were breached by the Romans, in 69 CE, after a lengthy siege. And they didn't have the decency to bring sheep. This led to the destruction of the Second Temple. There were gates. You knock. We let you in. But Romans are rude. There is other bad stuff that the Mishnah didn't mention. It turns out, Walmart said Jews in The Mountains can't return their lawn chairs that they used over the summer. They said it was wrong to come back with the used chair at the end of the summer, when they go back to the city and don't need them anymore. It's that kind of anti-Semitism that destroyed the Beit HaMikdash. I'm sure Apostomos was managing that Walmart. Truly. It's the Chutzpah. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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Many of my students have asked when they should say Yasher Koyach. The true answer is when you want to disrupt Davening (prayers).
However you use Yasher Koyach, we say it too much. Be it Yasher Koyach or Yashkoych, or Shkoych, or Shkoch, or Ych, there are proper times to say it. It is meant to tell somebody 'job well done,' and most people in my congregation are not deserving of that. Now people get a Yashkoych for anything. They sneeze, they get a Yashkoych and they think they did a good job of blowing. Egos inflated for allergies. Here is a list that will help you figure out when to wish a Yashkoych. Who Deserves a Yashkoych If they got the Aron curtain right on the first pull, they get a Yashkoych. If they had to pull the string more than twice, they have no coordination. No Yashkoych. Somebody gets an Aliyah. No Yashkoych. They did nothing. The guy Layning deserves a Yashkoych. He prepared. He studied the Parsha. He deserves a Yashkoych and a Kiddish. The guy who calls up people to the Torah. That Gabai gets a Yashkoych. They have to read a bit. The other Gabai standing there, because he can't find a seat. Find him a seat. No Yashkoych for somebody who can't play musical chairs right. If he corrects the guy Layning, he gets a Yashkoych. Even if the guy Layning says it right. As long as he corrects him it's fine. A Yashkoych for getting himself noticed. That shows he was following the Torah reading, even if he can't read Hebrew with Nikdoodot right. That's a something. Guy carrying the second Torah around shul. Give him a little something. A candy. A candy. Candy man gets a Yashkoych and a thank you. Hagbah, lifting the Torah, Yashkoych. That's a man. Galila, rolling the Torah. If it's somebody over fifteen years old, mock them. Give them the Torah to hold for twenty minutes, while the Hagbah dude goes back to his seat to relax and get some Yashkoychs. If the Hagbah guy opened less than three columns, let him sit there with the Torah. Nobody's scared of him. Any Aliyah, if they do Mishebeyrachs for their whole family, they relinquish the right to Yashkoychs. Sponsoring a Kiddish gets a Yashkoych if there is potato kugel. If the Kiddish only had Danish. No Yashkoych. Babka. If it's a decent Babka, a Yashkoych. Sponge cake deserves disappointment. You stop a kid from taking a cookie before the rabbi makes Kiddish. Yashkoych. That's a community leader. Stops by your house to drop off the Babka, a Yashkoych. Shows up to shul, they get a Shabbat Shalom. No Yashkoych. Gets a hit for the shul softball team, a Yashkoych and an elbow-to-elbow high-five. Kid getting up for Anim Zemriot. No Yashkoych. Don't need a third grader thinking he's great. Bar Mitzvah boy, no Yashkoych. Bar Mitzvah boy Layns. Definitely no Yashkoych. We don't want to encourage that kid to do that slow Torah reading again. It's painful. Throw candies at the kid real hard. Let him learn a lesson. Bat Mitzvah girl, only gets a Yashkoych if the Bar Mitzvah boy is there. Makes him feel bad. Parents get a Yashkoych, especially after that blessing that says how happy they are that they don't have to 'deal with this punishment' anymore. That blessing helps all parents feel better. Why It's Important to Not Give Everybody a Yashkoych We don't need more underachievers in our community. The egos of my congregants are so inflated from over Yashkoyching. Berel got back from the bathroom, he got a Yashkoych. The other guy thought he was coming back from an Aliyah. Now, Berel goes to the bathroom every Shabbis morning during Layning. He gets more respect for that than leading Shacharit. One guy walking back from the Aliyah. He thought he was a rock star, pointing at everybody, 'Baruch Tihiyeh to you.' He was like Triple H walking out on Monday Night RAW. At a Sefardi Minyin the same guy turned around to the Kehillah (congregation) and shouted, 'Chazak vAmatz to all of you,' and he didn't even buy them a round. The point is that the Yashkoychs are getting to people's heads, and the guy even messed up the Barchu. He said the second blessing first. I hope this helps you figure out when to say Yashkoych. If you truly care and want to make somebody smile, say 'Mazel Tov.' Everybody loves a Mazel Tov. It makes them feel like they just celebrated something. For Berel, it was the restroom in the back of the shul. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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I got stuck on דף מ"ט
49a When you damage somebody's field, you pay them back with the best of your field or the best of their field. I don't know which one. That part is very confusing. Rabbi Yishamel and Rabbi Akiva argue. But they don't argue. But they do. We think they argue. 49b Nope. They're arguing. Rabbi Yishmael says you have to pay from the best of the fields of the Nizik (the one who got damaged). Rabbi Akiva says from the best of the fields of the one who did the damages, the Mazik. It's a better deal for the Mazik to pay from the Nizik's best, as your ox damaged all of their stuff already. So, you pay from the best of the trampled-on corn. And then other people get involved and it gets confusing. They talk about Tikun Olam (fixing the world) and that is why you have to give from the best of your field, so that people don't steal. If the judges take away your best property, you won't steal. You'll be stuck with the stuff that you stole. And why are you stealing Kias when you have to pay back with a Toyota. Lexus would be a better example. We should've said Lexus. The real lesson here is, don't get caught. We have a Ketubah so that the husband doesn't get rid of his wife. Without a Ketubah he would drop her right away. It's easier to watch football when you don't have a wife. But when you have to now pay 200 zuz, you think twice about letting her go. So there is reason to say you can pay her with the best of your field. But maybe it's the worst of your field. All I know is that women want to get married and men want a big screen and a beer. We learn the laws of marriage from damages and theft. That's how our sages understand marriage. וכי תימא 'Maybe you'll say'- When the Gemara said this it got more confusing for everybody. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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This is the what I remember from last week...
OK. Next week we will discuss Gittin Daf 47-53 The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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The middle of the circle is where people get hurt. Do not go in until you've mastered the outer circle and the Hand on Shoulder Forward Back Step. More accidents happen the closer you get to the middle. They start breakdancing to Hora moves, arms start flailing, one guy does a wave and somebody gets hurt. Jews move around and body control is lost.
Go to a Hassidic dance with a Rebbe, if you're not ready and don't have training in Hassidic enjoyment, you will get hurt. You have to fight your way into that middle circle, where you get met by four hundred pound bodyguards throwing you out. Choolante strength is a thing. They guard the Rebbe from the heretics who diet on Shabbis. People go wild in the middle, so be safe. When Jewish people ‘get down’ it gets dangerous. If you make it to the middle, here are some important dance moves you must know. The Arm Raise Part of the traditional Hora dance circle, this is where you lift your arms. Forearms must be facing in, supinated. Forearms facing out is not what Jews do. This isn't a Jewish revival convention. Jews always dance in supinated form. Even when dancing, your expression should be one of complaint and questioning. We don't go into the middle of the circle to give high fives. This is not a free-for-all. This is connection back to the early 1700s in the Ukraine. Also known as the Two Hand Lift, this is a favorite amongst Hassidic dancers. The only exception is if you're from Yemen. Then you can pronate. Arm Raise Hand Open Close This can be done by one guy. This just looks cool. This is where you take that hand facing in, squeeze and unclench. If you look up, it looks like you're complaining to Gd. You will want to work on the complaint genre of dance. The Chest Bounce Somebody had a friend who likes heavy metal and now very small people get injured. Huddle Jump Done by people who never played organized football, you put your arms on the shoulders of the people near you and then jump around in a circle. Just jump. That's the dance. You can do this with as many partners as you want. One partner may be too intimate for the newcomer to the middle circle. This is as close to athletics any devout Jew should get. The Solo Jump Around Similar to the Huddle Jump, this is where you let go of the other people and jump by yourself. It's not a very warm dance and makes you feel alone, without community. Unlike the Huddle Jump, where you have the support of your fellow. This dance goes very well in combination with the Israeli Side to Side Jump. Another variation of the Solo Jump, the Israeli Side to Side keeps you in one spot; no aroundness in the Israeli Jump. By combining them, you can go side to side and around in solo form. This dance is almost as uncomfortable as being forced to dance in front of the bride and groom. Waving your arms in this makes you look like you know what you're doing. It also opens up your dancing radius, by forcing away other people who don't want to get hit. Arm Interlocked Twirl Around Similar to the British folk country dance, this is very fun until somebody else steals the person you were twirling around with. Now you're alone. They interlock arms and take your place, sneaking in from the other side. Kind of like musical chairs, I am found wandering around in a circle by myself, with nowhere to go. And many times, I am even asked to leave the circle. The Hand-in-Hand Spin Interlock arms with somebody else and go in a circle for as long as you can, until you let go and the other person flies or falls, or until one of you pukes. The Airplane Dangerous. Some call this the helicopter because that is also dangerous. And some call it the propeller, because that is the most dangerous part of the helicopter. Either way, you want feet flying towards the outside of the circle. The objective of this dance is to injure other people. Make sure to initiate this dance when the middle circle is crowded. The Face to Face Hands on Shoulders This is for two people who can't move. You brace yourself on the other person and try not to fall. The One Hand Hold Side to Side Kick A classic. With the longest name of any dance, this dance's name describes what it is. You kick from side to side, one leg at a time, alternating. To funk it up a little, switch the hands too. This is almost as complicated as rubbing your tummy, while tapping your head. Again, stretch before this one. And watch out when getting close to it. If you're a spectator, the lack of kick control and athletic ability of the kickers makes this dance almost as dangerous as the helicopter. The Rebbe Approach This is more of a still motion where other people force you in different directions. Known to be dangerous in America on Black Friday, the mob does the dance for you. That is how you become a Chasid. Chasidim beat you on your way into the middle circle. It's part of the initiation process. That is their hazing process for joining their sect. The NaNachs make you jump while saying ‘NaNachNachimNachmanMUman’ 20 times, real fast. The other sects hurt you real bad. Final Note of Safety Do not join any middle circle dance if you have any sort of back problem or arthritis. No older Jewish man should be dancing in the middle. The outside of the circle is for you. The Stand and Clap is the dance you should be doing. Always be careful. When Jewish people ‘get down’ it gets dangerous. Watch out for flailing arms. That is the move, arms go up in the air and somebody gets hurt. I also suggest you start on strict weight training and powerlifting program before approaching any rebbe. Next time we will talk about the middle circle dancing in front of the bride and groom, where you embarrass yourself in the Jewish cypher. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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A Good Jewish Dad6/17/2023
What makes a good Jewish Dad. That is what we will discuss this Father's Day. We are not focusing on what you will get from your kids. They will give you nothing. And as a dad, they don't even clean the dishes for you. That's reserved for Mother's Day. Moms get clean dishes.
Here are some things a good Frum Jewish dad does. Taking the Kids Out to Eat That's what they care about. Food. Food and amusement parks. They don't need you. They need pizza and Italian ices. And they need the flume log ride. And they need you waiting with the towel. That's essential to Jewish childhood rearing. Watching your kids enjoy themselves and guarding their towel. And to tell them things are too high, and to watch out when walking because you can hurt yourself. Sending The Kids to Jewish Day School Going broke on your children is paramount to Jewish dadship. You don't send your kids to public school. You send them to a school where they can learn Torah, because it costs a lot. This is why you send the kids to camp and go on winter vacation to Florida with the whole family. If your child costs less than 50K a year, you're raising a heretic who doesn't love Yiddishkeit. A Good Look of Guilt You want to be able to make your kids feel like they're sinning at all times. Anything they do, they should feel like they did it wrong. That is how you make good Jews. Every time you look at them, shake your head in disappointment. That'll keep them in the fold and not enjoying themselves. That will also keep them just nervous enough to look Jewish. No Jewish child should ever feel like they prepared for a Chag correctly. Even after you sent them to Jewish day school, they should always be questioning the amount of Charoset they prepared. They should never feel like they used enough walnuts. That's how Jewish kids, raised correctly, enjoy Pesach. Don't Hit Your Kids That's it. That's all you really have to do to be a good dad. Unconditional Love Make sure the kids know you love them, but not as much as you love Gd. Let them know the importance of Yiddishkeit. 'It's bedtime, but I have to be at Maariv. You're on your own.' Teach the Kids to Swim It's Halacha to teach your children to swim, because we know they will not turn out to be decent athletes. This way, at least they can get some exercise with the retirees at the JCC. There is no Jewish law to teach kids how to play basketball. You don't teach them other sports unless if it's floor hockey. You let them play in what is known as Yeshiva Leagues, so that they feel they have a chance to become a professional floor hockey player. Take them to The Mountains It's just what Jews do. You take your kids to a hot place with no air-conditioning, so that they will learn to appreciate the house when you get back to New York. If you don't have a bungalow, you're not raising Jews. Don't educate your kids on Kibud Av vEim. They'll hate you. If you want your kids to love you and to be good Jews, don't teach them Torah. Show them where to find choolante on Thursday nights. And yell. Whatever you do, yell a lot. You want your house to feel like a home. If you don't hit your kids, you've done your job. That's all you really have to do. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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You better know when to start repeating the Amdiah, or people will get mad.
How do you repeat the Silent Prayer, the Amidah, out loud? That is a question nobody can answer. Yet, it is done. Hence, we will focus on when to start the repetition of the Amidah, the Chazaras HaShatz. Knowing when to start the repetition of the Silent Prayer out loud is a skill that takes years of study of the subtlety human expression. Here are some of the signs you'll get from the Gabais and members of shuls, to let you know when to begin. The Head Nod That is the most common cue. You're looking for the upward nod. The downward nod is a perplexed guy trying to figure out why the custodian hasn't vacuumed the carpet. Be sure it's not a side-to-side head shake. That means to not start, and that the guy is confused. It's subtleties. Be sure the eyes are telling you to go. Reading the eyes and the Head Nod are not always easy. The first time I got the Head Nod, I thought the Gabai was saying 'Hi.' I stepped away from the Amid (the Chazin's spot) and asked about his kids. He answered me with a 'Nu.' I believe 'Nu' means to start, as I read his eyes and he was not happy. Maybe if his kids brought him more Nachis, he would've been fine getting a coffee. A Blink That's it. A blink. That is your indicator. A blink. Study your Gabais. Before embarking with a blink, be sure the Gabai doesn't have a twitch. If you see the Gabai blinking a lot and harshly, maybe go over to him and ask if he has allergies before starting the repetition. The Hand It's a subtle stop sign. That means don't go. The hand comes down a little, that means go. To be honest, the stop and start signs looked very similar. I could swear they were the same exact movement. Though, when I got a nasty look, I knew that meant to start the Chazaras HaShatz. Any nasty look of disappointment means to start the repetition. Universal Sign: A disappointed look that is usually given to a child that didn't get an 'A', If you get that look at forty, you start. As a rookie, I thought the hand coming down a little meant to repeat the Amidah very slowly. That full repetition I felt a lot of disappointment. The Tefillin Touch and Shoulder Brush If your shul is into community softball, this will probably be the Gabai's tell for you to go. Loud Breath Out That is a definite go. A lot of anger. It's a frustration that starts at home with one of the kids missing the bus, makes its way to some guy cutting people off onto the off-ramp, then having to see Bernie as the first person in shul, and manifests itself with you not starting the Amidah when he wants. I got the Breath Out from the congregation when I asked the Gabai about his kids. It was nice to see the shul membership join in unison. The Breath Out Head Shake and Hand Wave with Eye Blink If they've got to give you all the signs, they're not allowing you to pray again. It makes no difference how many Yahrzeits you have, you're not taking the Amid (where the Chazin leads the Amidah from). The Table Bang That is a mistake or somebody is really angry. That is the next level of anger. If I was you, I would skip the repetition, grab my Tefillin bag, and run out of shul. I've done that many of times when I was not aware it was Rosh Chodesh. The Table Bang is usually reserved for Rosh Chodesh. I am educating Gabais now. One time, the Gabai tried relaying the immediate start by banging the table. Everybody in shul thought it was Rosh Chodesh, and thought they forgot YaAleh vYavo. They all took three steps back and repeated the Amidah. That took another five minutes. Then, when I started the 'vTechezana' verse in the repetition, they all shouted 'YaAleh vYavo!' If There is a Rabbi Wait How long? A very long time. After you have waited the amount of time it would take you to finish Musaf on Yom Kippur, it is probably time to start. Wait till you're spaced out and ready to go back to bed. At the point, you should start. The rabbi might have taken his three steps back. You'll hear a lot of loud huffs and you'll receive a lot of disappointed looks. Don't take it personally. They're mad at themselves for hiring the rabbi. Grunts and Throat Clearing They're trying to get your attention and you somehow didn't understand the blink. Now, the congregation is grunting. One guy is screaming 'GO!' And you're still up there thinking you should wait for the one guy who feels it's important to pray silently till noon. I just saw it today. They gave everything to the guy. The rabbi finished the Shema real loud. Twice. That's a sign. They even banged his table. And he still didn't get it. They grunted more and he turned around and asked people if they were OK. A guy had to go over to him, put his push hand on his shoulder and say 'go.' And then he waited till he got more grunts. Conclusion Good luck. It gets complicated. I wish I could tell you exactly when to start the repetition. I can't. Study the congregation. It's hard to tell whether it's a sign or the guy is just adjusting his Kippah. Sometimes, a sneeze means you should start the Chazaras HaShatz. Again, any movement other than a guy taking off his Tefillin means to start. If a cough comes right after you say the blessing 'Redeemer of Israel,' skip the silent part of the Silent Prayer and do the Silent Prayer out loud. And get used to messing up your Tefillin. As the Baal Tefillah (Chazin), they make you turn around to see when to start, so that your Tefillin fly off to the side of your face. Nothing is more embarrassing than un-centered Tefillin. We can pray for better days. BE"H at some point in the near future the Gabai will come to the front to kindly tell you to start. And you will be able to start the Chazaras HaShatz at the right time, with people who are happy to be in shul and Tefillin in place. One thing I do know. If people start pelting you with stuff like paper or Kiddish platters, start the repetition. I've got to get better at sensing subtlety. I think the congregation is waiting for me to say the Chazaras HaShatz. I just got spat on. I think it's time. Next time we will talk about how to repeat the Amidah. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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Everybody wants to know how to save money in Israel. Something about haggling in the Middle East makes one feel like they are in the Homeland. There is something nice about arguing with people. It makes you feel like you are with family. However, haggling is not the only way to save money.
I am here to help, so that you will never have to get ripped off again as an American who is easy to scam. Here is how you save money in Israel. Today we will focus on falafel. Never Purchase Falafel Bring your own pita and load up. All the salads on the side of the falafel stand are free. You will find an array of salads, ranging from tahini to cucumbers to spicy cucumbers to pickled cucumbers. You'll find pickled carrots. Pickled cabbage. It's a smorgasbord of pickled. Load up your pita. It's an excellently satisfying lunch. And the tahini helps with the toxicity of the pickling. Tahini is very expensive. So, load on as much as you can. I greatly appreciate that the falafel stand owners take the tahini and my budgetary concerns into consideration when they're loading up their Salatim buffets for me. Stick to Pita I do not suggest bringing a laffa (the tortilla looking bread that adds twelve pounds to a meal). Last time I brought my own laffa, all of the salads ended up falling through the bottom. It made a whole scene. I had to ask the guy behind the counter to help me wrap it. He is a professional, and was very kind. He tucked the bottom and showed me how to use the restaurant tissue paper. Then he gave me a bag to wrap my laffa. I would have left a tip, but leaving tips is not a good money saver, and I did not purchase the laffa from him. I just hope that the customer I cut in line still purchased their falafel. Do Not Ask for Falafel They charge for the falafel. Once falafel is in your pocket, there are financial concerns. If you're lucky, you might find a ball in the tahini tub. Sometimes, people get overzealous and overload their pita pouches too high, and a falafel ball falls out. And always take the taster. Falafel guys are always happy to give you a free sample ball. Enjoy it. Take the ball and run. I once asked them to put the ball in my pita. They don't do that for you. You have to take the ball with your hand and put it in your pita. Purchase Half a Pita If you have too much shame to bring your own bread from outside, purchase half a serving. This will still save you some shekels (nis), it will give you access to the falafel guy, and it will get you a couple of hot falafel balls, which are good for a cold day. Do not belittle the access to the falafel guy. This purchase of 7nis gives you constant access to the salads behind the counter as well. You will have full request ability of Turkish salad and eggplant. If you're wealthy enough, enjoy it. The Rule: You can order as many extra salads as you want, until the pita is finished. You will want the easy obtainability of the fried eggplant, which is only served from behind the counter. Don’t test them. They know when you are finished with the pita, as it is impossible to not push up on the bottom of the bag for the tahini lick. Stand By the Salads- The Salatim First off, know the word Salatim. It means salads. If you call them salads, they will rip you off and charge you for the pita you brought. Trust me, they will know you're a foreigner and that costs money. Take your pita and stand by the salads. It is crucial to eat standing. This allows you easy access for constant salad reload. Make sure you have a good spot by the cucumbers, and do not bite into the pita itself. Once you bite into the pita itself, you are losing valuable gripping perimeter. If you purchased the half pita, you may want to stand by the falafel guy showcase, as to not slow down your Turkish salad reload request ability. Before discussing any other budgeting methods, be sure to stick to a strict falafel diet. The falefel diet is the first way to save money. It is the base of Israeli economic living. Next time we will focus on other ways to save money by living in Minus, never flying direct, eating in the supermarket itself- where you don't have to, and purchasing your Israeli products in America. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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It's the night before Pesach. You've cleaned the home. It’s fully Kosher for Passover. What do you do now?
Put Bread Around the House Now that you've cleaned the house for the past few months, and got rid of all leavened bread, it's time to hide ten small pieces of Challah around the house. You want them to be really small and very hard to find. If you find all the pieces, it's now time to prepare for the Seder. If you can't find the ten pieces of bread, clean again and celebrate Pesach Sheni. Many people don't find this tradition of hide-and-go-seek fun. It makes them very nervous. Watch The Ten Commandments The night before Passover, after you have found the bread crumbs you sprinkled around the house right after you cleaned the house of bread crumbs, it's important to keep with Jewish tradition of watching The Ten Commandments. It's a tradition that has been passed on from generation to generation, beginning all the way back in Flatbush. After watching The Ten Commandments it's time to clean more. Kasher Everything You cleaned, but you didn't clean enough. The kitchen is spotless, but it's still not clean enough for Pesach. You still have skin on your hands. It's now time to use more sink, stove and oven cleaner yet. Now, place your fingers in chemicals that burn through bone. This way you can cook with your hands on Pesach (don't do this- I don't want to get sued because sarcasm is not understood). After you've burned yourself with oven cleaner, pour boiling water everywhere and risk your life with a blowtorch to ensure your kitchen has no bread and your oven is broken. This way it will be impossible to cook Chametz. And that is Kosher for Passover. Yell at the Kids Yell at the kids for not helping. You didn’t want them to help, because they get in the way and set the table wrong. Not the point. You need to get out some of your frustration. This is your twelfth year in a row making the Seder, and you're still trying to figure out why your sister has yet to have hosted this thing. Cover Everything You've watched The Ten Commandments, yelled at the kids, cleaned the counters, Kashered them, risked your life with a blowtorch, taken out an eye with oven cleaner, and scarred one of your kids. Now it's time to pull out the tinfoil and the dishes. You can use plastic tablecloths to cover everything, however they're not shiny enough. A good Kosher for Pesach home should blind anybody who walks in and tries to eat. Any home not covered in tinfoil is not Kosher for Pesach. Any dish not covered in tinfoil is not a Passover dish. During each part of the process you should be Shpritzing. Shpritzing stuff doesn't stop after you've cleaned. Don't Sleep There is always more to clean. You missed something. If you're not worried, you definitely did not clean enough for Pesach and you're probably a heretic. Burn Eggs and Chicken Burn stuff. The food on Pesach is already painful on the stomach. You might as well burn it. Did you Purchase Everything? You're not worrying enough. Go back to the supermarket. You did not buy enough food for the week. Eight twenty pound roasts. Thirty pounds of Matzah. Seventy pounds of Kugel. One hundred and ninety pounds of Manischewitz cakes and macaroons. That will not feed the family and your sister for the week. Why macaroons are Jewish? Due to Pesach, we have evolved to a people who enjoy coconut balls. The only people that enjoy coconut pastries. Go Back To The Supermarket You should've bought more. There is still more kosher for Pesach wine at the supermarket. Purchase more tin and tinfoil. There is more brisket and you need more tinfoil to cover the living room. Now that you're ready and everything is prepared, yell at the kids and tell them to clean more. Give them spray. Shpritzing should still be happening. Now, fight with your spouse about not having enough money to pay for all the Pesach food, and feeling like idiots for spending fifteen dollars on mayonnaise. And now, call your sister to tell her how much you're looking forward to having her, with her in-laws tagging along, come right before the holiday, when everything is prepared. Next time we will talk about Seder table prep, Dvar Torah preparation and how to impress guests by keeping them till 3am with your thoughts on the rabbis' thoughts on the Haggadah. We will even delve into how to hold the attention of the children with Styrofoam hail and lice. We will also discuss how to return stuff after Passover without shame. In the meantime, you should be Shpritzing more oven cleaner and yelling at the kids. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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Don't come to the Beit HaMikdash on Chagim without a Karaban. You must show up with to the Temple with a sacrifice.
When you travel to your cousin's Bar Mitzvah, do you bring a gift? Exactly. And now you bring nothing to Gd?! Shame. Bring a gift. If we learned anything, be a decent guest. You're visiting Gd's house. Don't show up empty handed. Nowadays, people bring letters to the Kotel. That's not a gift. There's no Mitzvah for that. No host needs a postcard from a friend who's looking to get married, but can't go out of their way to visit. Hosts want food. You show up to dinner with a dish. You show up with a note that says 'please forgive us for not bringing anything,' you're not getting invited back. Well, that's what you're doing at the Kotel. You're bringing a note that says something went wrong and you're sorry. Nobody likes people who show up without a gift. You show up to the Temple with no meat, and then to top it all off, you don't have the first fruits basket. You're a Temple taker, and the Kohens are all starving and acting real smug. I am not suggesting to have a barbecue at the Kotel. It's not the Temple. Bringing nothing is a huge letdown to the hosts. I've been witness. 'Mark is here... Oh shoot. He brought nothing. He's just a letdown... I thought he makes a nice stew too... Nope. Nothing. Not even a gazpacho... I think he knows we invited him. He's here. We won't have him again. Come in Mark. Take off your shoes. Only people that bring a gift can leave their shoes on... I know we invited him, honey... Didn't he at least bring wine?! Nope. Nothing. Just here to eat. To live off the fat of the land. No appreciation... Wine and stew shows appreciation, Mark. We're having Matzah for dinner now.' A sacrifice is a lot of meat. The problem is most people show up with dessert. There is no commandment to bring a babka. Anybody can afford that. It would be much better if people showed up with a nice roast. If you're eating at our home, bring a roast and you will have an excellent dinner. Why people host that can't cook is a different story. And don't show up to my house with a broccoli lokshen kugel. A broccoli quiche is OK. If it's in lokshen form, it should be spinach. Spinach lokshen kugel is excellently tasty. I don't believe that is a commandment in the Torah, but it should be. It would make us happier. Spinach lokshen kugel and a roast. If you're eating at our home, we'll provide dessert. You provide the spinach lokshen, roast and wine. If we've learned anything from this Mitzvah, never depend on the hosts to feed you. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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Growing up in a Jewish community, and now being the rabbi of a community, I have studied the art of how the Jewish joke is told, while being forced to listen to them. And we all know, it's about the delivery. So, here is how you deliver a Jewish joke with style.
Must Have a European Accent That means talking like a New Yorker. To deliver a Jewish joke correctly, talk like somebody who immigrated from Europe a hundred years ago, or a New Yorker. It's all the same. They both sound foreign to anybody in the Midwest. When delivering as a New Yorker always pronounce an 'a' when pronouncing an 'r'. The caveat, that is unless the 'r' is in the beginning of a word. And anytime you have an 'i', stress the letter and add an 'u' to it. Also add 'oy' to words with a 'y', so that you can complain more while talking. And then add vowels wherever possible. Any joke delivered in this way is now Jewish. 'Whoy did the chicken crawss the road? To get to the otha suiide.' Now, it's a Jewish joke. Start Each Joke With 'You Know the One About...' This lets them know that you're not talking about yourself, and you're not the one who moved to the Lower East Side in the 1930s to see Ms. Nafkowitz. You can also use, 'Have you heard the one about...' 'About' must be in there. The 'I saw' or 'This guy I know' joke methods are not Jewish. 'About' must be there. The 'you know the one about' method also give the other person the chance to say, 'I know that joke,' so that you can continue to tell the joke yourself. Grab the Person Make sure to grab your friend's arm. You start with a touch and then you grab. If you don't grab their arm, they may not stay for the whole joke. I learned this method by watching Mervin at Kiddish. He was the only one who could get people to hear him finish his jokes. Other people who did not use the grabbing technique lost their subjects mid-joke. You want to cup their elbow. You don't want them to be able to escape. Pull them into you if possible. Squeezing tight helps if there is a long setup. The tighter you squeeze, the easier it is to hold their attention. Literally. You want to think of the arm touch and grab as holding their attention till you get to the punchline. Now people stay away from Mervin, in fear that they will suffer physical harm from his humor. Nonetheless, violence can help with delivery. Laugh at The Joke Yourself You can't depend on anybody else to laugh at your joke. All joke delivery should end with you laughing. This way people can see you enjoying it. Somebody should enjoy your jokes about mother-in-laws. Note: Mother-in-law jokes should not be told in front of mother-in-laws. That can make for an awkward conversation at Kiddish. Stare at the Person Until They Laugh After the joke stare. Fix your eyes on them. It will trigger a response. Hopefully they realize you just told them a joke and are expecting a laugh. Every Statement Should Be in Question Form Your joke should start with a question and end with a question. This way, the listener will not know if you're done. 'Why do Jews answer questions with questions?' 'Why shouldn't we?' That tone of 'why shouldn't we?' is how you must end every joke. Every punchline should sound like that, with a New York accent. Hence, making it a Jewish joke. Shrug your shoulders while supinating your hands for correct delivery posture. A bit of a forward head tilt, with widened eyes and closed lips, helps with the question form pose. While supinating your hand, do not loosen your grip on their elbow. Even if it hurts the delivery, you don't want to take a chance with them walking towards a conversation they want to have. To help the audience, add a 'nu' at the end of the joke. That works like a George Burns cigar, ending the joke for them. Allowing them to know they're supposed to laugh. If you don't add a 'nu' they won't know to laugh. Never depend on the material or your stare. You must have a 'nu' or squeeze their arm tighter. That's how a Jew tells a joke. That's tradition. And if you can, corner the subject, so they can't slip out of the joke hold and get away in the middle of the joke. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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Since the Jews didn’t get massacred on Purim, we celebrate by giving gift baskets to our friends and neighbors, known as Mishloach Manot. The rabbis of the time found it very important to celebrate Jewish victories with wicker.
As history has it, many of the first Mishloach Manot were met with skepticism, as the Jews of the time were scared the gift baskets contained bombs. They were still worried about Haman's planned massacre, and gift baskets can be quite crafty. Being that none of the baskets were wired, the tradition of giving Mishloach Manot without detonation devices is now a Mitzvah. The gift basket must include at least two types of foods that your friends will have to throw out before Pesach. And that summarizes the history and Halachot of Mishloach Manot. Over the years I have received many Mishloach Manot. And there is one rule that all Jews follow; when giving Mishloach Manot be sure that it contains something you don't want. Here are a few items that should be in your gift baskets. Give Lemon Wafers Nobody likes lemon wafers. They come stale. That is how they are made. Thus, making it the perfect item to place in your gift basket. Not just inedible, it is also hard to clean for Pesach. If you purchased a mixed package, pull out the chocolate wafers (people like those) and tinfoil the lemon wafers into your Mishloach Manot. Stuff Still in Your Pantry Do not give away food you will eat. That is a waste. Think about your Mishloach Manot like a food drive collection bin for poor people. You have tuna you haven’t used in four years, throw it in there. Give beans, rice, anything that is taking up room in your cabinets and is past expiration. Canned vegetables is optimal. A can of peas and carrots is perfect. Nobody likes that. Make Hamentashen People like chocolate hamentashen. This is why it is proper etiquette to give poppy seed hamentashen. People don’t like poppy seed hamentashen. People like chocolate, so you make poppy seed hamentashen. It looks like chocolate hamentashen, and then whamo, a surprise right in their basket. It always puts a smile on the face of the recipient when they get something they don’t want. Give Candies Make sure that whatever you give the people is something that they do not allow their children to eat. Taffy is perfect; bad for the metabolism and the teeth. Nobody wants leftover Halloween candy you found on sale at the grocery, which again makes sweets optimal for Mishloach Manot. As I always say: It's never the wrong time to shop at the Christmas Tree Shops. Take Out The Good Stuff If using Mishloach Manot from other people, take out any decent bottles of wine. Sometimes the Feigenblums make a mistake and give something decent, along with the poppy seed. Thus, always check the basket before reMishloaching. This is also the reason why everybody thinks the Feigenblums are cheap. Not fair to them, but you should enjoy the wine. It is a mitzvah to be happy. And many people have asked me why the Feigenblums made out their Mishloach Manot card to me, when it was to be given to them. For that, I blame the Feigenblums. Put in Stuff You Don’t Want I cannot reiterate this enough. If you cannot return it to the store, that is Mishloach Manot. Don’t waste money on your friends. It is the thought that counts, and you care about the world. Hence, you recycle, and you let your friends pay for dinner when you go out with them. Go Green: Leftovers from two Shabbats ago is perfect for the gift basket (or gift bin). By that time, the choolante should be hard enough to not mess up the Hamentashen. Files that you can’t find the heart to throw out. Perfect for Mishloach Manot. Taxes are good, as tax season is coming. Old pictures. Expired passport photos. It doesn’t have to just be food. Anything you need to throw in the bin can also be Mishloach Manot. The idea is to get rid of stuff. The less you have to throw out for Pesach, the better. Mishloach Manot is a time to start cleaning out your home of stuff you don't want. Which means the Feigenblum's Mishloach Manot. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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Make your wife happy the first year.
After the first year, don't even try. It won't happen. For one year you should make her happy. After that, you can be honest. Complaining about her cooking is suggested. After the first year, there is no reason you should be eating dried out corned beef anymore. Arguing about the kids after the first year of marriage is also tradition. You will want to blame her side of the family for anything that is off in the child. For the first year you have to smile. After that, football games are the best way to spend your time. TV should be running all the time. Don't even try to make her happy after the first year. She married you. It won't happen. The Pasuk teaches, (Devarim 24:5) ‘When a man takes a new wife, he shall not go to the army, and not obligate himself to anything. He shall be free for his home for one year, and he shall make is wife whom he has married happy.’ It's already enough to try make his new wife happy. We don't want to throw anything else on him, like war. After the first year, get out of the house as fast as you can. Problems start after the first year. At that point, you should be hanging out with the boys. That's how you keep a marriage together. After the first year, it’s better he goes to war. Usually, the wife insists, ‘Get out of the house and do something.' Many times they request the husband goes to the frontlines. Once the fights start, that's your sign to get out. Enlist. War is preferable. It allows you more time out of the house. And there is less fighting in war. Many fights have been caused by the 'not obligating himself to anything' part. Many husbands have used this as an excuse to relax for the year. Wives have used 'a good for nothing' to describe their husbands who keep this Mitzvah. 'He's a good for nothing.' Once she starts calling you a good for nothing and yells at you for not having a job, that's when you should go to war. Join a tank unit. It will be harder for her to find you there. How many old wives does he have? That’s a question. That might be why this new one is mad at him. The most important take away from our Mitzvah today is to not try to make your wife happy after the first year. That is too much already. And as we know, you can't ask somebody to keep a Mitzvah that's impossible to do. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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It's a Mitzvah to permanently place a Mezuzah. As it says (Devarim 6:9, 11:20), ‘And you shall write on the doorposts of the house.’
This Mitzvah caused much anger amongst the parents pf the Jewish people. Their kids learn this Mitzvah at school, and they come home and destroy the house. They hear to write on the doorposts and they can't wait to get home. I can't tell you how many times I've heard parents reprimanding their children, 'You’re killing the door. What are you doing?!... Go to your room and don't write on it.' To which the educated child responds, 'The Torah says…' And then the kid is taken out of Jewish day school and sent to public school. It happens time and time again. At first they thought their kids were using erasable whiteboard markers. Who would command anybody to ruin a beautiful doorway?! When they found out the kids were using Sharpies, all Gehenim broke loose. Parents were outraged. 'How can H' give such a commandment?! It's enough that we measure the kid's height on the doorpost once a year.' It turns out that measuring a child's height is not a Mitzvah in the Torah. Even so, many doors have marked growth of children. Once a child reaches Mezuzah height, tradition is to stop marking the doorpost. This misunderstanding of the Mitzvah by elementary school kids and art teachers is why the Mezuzah box was created. A box to hold the words of the Torah that are permanently affixed to the door. This way the kids can do their art on that and don't kill the doorposts. So many ancient homes in the Ottoman Empire were destroyed by Jewish children and their graffiti. To this day mothers have to yell at their kids, 'No. Don't write on the wall. Here. Decorate the box...' Sometimes they even give them a little slab of wood to draw on, so that the kids can be creative on a future Chanukiah. Since the Mezuzah fiascos of permanent poor outwork on lintels, we have developed many festival art opportunities for holidays. They create Sukkot decorations, Purim masks, Pesach Seder plates. Now kids force us to hang their artwork, as commanded by the Torah, destroying the Sukkah. Next time, we will talk about how people have misunderstood the Mitzvah of Hiddur, beautifying the Sukkah with the artwork of third graders. We will also discuss ways in which to throw out the pathetic art the kids bring home from school. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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Eating of the seven species of Israel has been a long tradition of Tu BShvat. But that changed around two thousand years ago, when the Jewish people forgot how to sing the song 'Eretz Chitah uSorah vGefen uTe'enah.'
Diaspora Happened Jews tried to figure out how to get the fruits of Israel, to connect to the Holy Land. Then they were told, 'You can't eat the fruits of Israel outside of Israel. We have to make sure that the laws of Maser and Shmita, and Orlah (fruits from trees in their first three years) are followed.' And thus we have the first divestment campaign against Israel. And the BDS movement had begun. It was religious Jews keeping the laws of the land of Israel that started the BDS movement. What's A Date Dried fruits became popular. Refrigeration was impossible to come by in the 800s and dried fruit seemed to be the only way to keep your fruit from spoiling. On another note, there were no decent places to take your wife for a night out on the town. Canned vegetables were out of stock in all the grocery stores, so dried dates became quite popular. They needed the dates to last, as they tasted disgusting and they were never finished. Many hosts laid out dates before their guests, but the guests would only take one, before realizing they don't like dates. And hence, dried dates became a big seller. And they had a great shelf life. To this day, you canfind dried dates in Israel from the early 800s, dried as they were then. It happened in a grocery store named Plitzelas. It was a very popular store in 874, as it had two shelves full of food. A Frum Jew who was sinning, started eating dried fruit. He came and showed the dried fruit of Israel to everybody in Lvov. He was eating of the dried dates. Yet, there was no Pinchas to kill him. As he was sinning and being chastised, the truth came out. He was not eating dates. There was no pit. To quote Yievgenie, 'You fool. You would've chocked if that was a date. There are no pits. Let me show you how to eat a date.' And so, Yievgenie found a date and started to sin. And he was the first annoying person who felt the need to show somebody how to open a date the "right way." As it turned out, the supposed sinner was eating apricots. Hence, he was not fulfilling the Mitzvah of eating of the seven fruits of Israel and blessing the fruits on Tu BShvat, and thus going to Gehenim (hell). Dried dates became popular years later, once they added the walnuts inside. That was until Chaim found a way to pull out the walnuts. It was at that point that people started to just take and eat the walnuts. Apricots Become Popular in Europe Europeans are known for not knowing how to make decent food that is not meat. In the late 1600s fruits of Israel were accepted in many communities of Europe. The Misnagdim said you can eat fruits of Israel outside of Israel as long as they're expensive. Even so, many kept eating apricots. Shouts were heard in the streets during the month of Shvat, 'But apricots aren't from Israel.' To which Rabbi Pinchas Ben Mishehu said, 'But dried fruits are.' Rav Pinchas has no relation to Pinchas Ben Elazar, and thus didn't have to kill anybody to make his point (which would've been a Kidush H'- the community was very annoying). Arguments continued for many years, as that was the tradition. One lay-leader said, as lay-leaders can be annoying, 'Tu BShvat is connected to the tradition of not eating new fruit from a tree that is less than three years old in Israel.' To which Rav Pinchas responded, 'Dried apricots don't grow on trees.' But they do. And dried fruit trees were found. Old withered trees. And the arguments continued, 'But apricots are not native to Israel. So Maser and Terumah and Orlah do not apply.' Yet, after much study and discourse it was concluded that apricots give you a stomach ache. And hence, they are like the dried fruit that grows on the trees of Israel. And thus like dried dates, which are native to Israel and grow from trees dried apricots are native to Israel, even though they are not from there. A Gezarah Shava of sorts. They were Talmud scholars and were thus able to explain it. I cannot go into the full discourse now. I just know there was a lot of yelling and Rabba wasn't for using SO2. The tradition of Tu BShvat now is to have a stomach ache. The holiday can also be celebrated with stomach cramps. Many Ashkenazim have the tradition to celebrate by drinking a gallon of milk. Though, dried apricots are a requirement. Dried apricots along with dried dates and milk is the best way to fulfill the Mitzvah of feeling nauseous. There have been many arguments in communities around the world, but it all comes back to stomach aches. In Mesopotamia they noticed that eating raisins in bulk was killing their stomaches, and they thus agreed that grapes are one of the seven species of Israel. So, they eat raisins and apricots. To quote an excited Mesopotamian, 'Dried apricots also give me stomach aches. So it must be part of Tu BShvat tradition. They give me a stomach ache and diarrhea at the same time. When I eat them with raisins, my stomach never feels worse.' Other Notes on the Holiday Now, in Hebrew schools they teach the song 'Eretz Chitah uSorah vGefen uTe'enah,' and the kids have no idea what it means. So, they eat Tapuchim, because they know how to say it in Hebrew. Others contended that money doesn't grow on trees. The Jewish National Fund took a big loss for that. Now they have a hard time convincing kindergartners to give them money to plant trees in Israel. Dried olives didn't make it to the Tu BShvat Seder tradition, as they settle the stomach. However all forms of nuts made it into the holiday lexicon, especially almonds, as they kill your stomach. Yievgenie had no idea how to open figs. Marcus was the first to show people how to eat dried figs. As it turns out, dried figs are very similar to not dried figs. Not dried figs are just not as dry. You can eat them as well on Tu BShvat. 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Looking good when praying in shul is not easy. It's an art, and few have mastered it. Today we will focus on the art of Davening.
Davening is the correct word. If you're going to be Frum, learn the word. It's not prayer. It's Davening. It's definitely not Tefillah. Tefillah is what nonFrum Israelis do. We're not trying to be Dati Leumi. We're trying to look good at a shul. So, here's how to Daven. Clapp the Table Clapp means to hit. You hit the table. Give it a zetz. The shows you know what's going on. Middle of your prayers, randomly smack a table. You don't have to wait for the Gabi to do this. You hit a table and you show you're making decisions, appointing yourself the Gabai. You can never hit the table too much. Hitting a table works for being the first one to answer at Shomer Shabbis game shows. At worst, they'll think you're starting a Nigun. And everybody loves breaking into song during the silent Amidah prayer. Know When To Be Loud When you say 'LMan Tizkru' in the Shema prayer, be loud and schlep out the 'z.' It just looks good. When saying the words 'Ya'aleh vYavo' in the Amidah, be loud. It shows you remembered it's Rosh Chodesh and that looks good. You get holy status right away for that. However, be sure to be the first Ya'aleh vYavo guy. The first guy to reach it is the only one who gets credit. Hence, I suggest to skip the first half of the Amidah and just say Ya'aleh vYavo as fast as you can. Know When to Yell At People Guy reading the Torah messes up a word, yell at him. This is very important. Most people just yell the correct words at the guy. That's passive aggressive. I suggest to berate him correctly and call him an idiot. A good line can be, 'You fool. Next time practice. You're killing the Davening... Oy!!!' A loud 'oy' of disapproval can truly help you climb a rung on the shul status stairs to the Bima. At the end of Davening you can also yell out 'Kiddish.' Truth is you should just be loud whenever you have a chance, and yell at anybody you can. It helps with being noticed. Be very loud and bang things. And remember, the worse somebody else feels, the closer you're bringing them to Gd. Be Fast When You See Hebrew Letters Be fast and mumble. If you're the loser that keeps everybody waiting at Hatarat Nedarim, when a group reads their statement to annul their vows, you're not Frum. You might have grown up in a Frum family but you're not Frum. You enunciate too much. Never enunciate. Good Jews mumble when they talk. This way it always looks like they're praying, even when they are having a conversation. Sing Whatever You Know Don't worry about the tune. Nobody in my shul knows the tunes. Come to think of it, they must all think they're harmonizing. Whatever it is, it sounds bad. They're just singing different songs. It's horrendous. U2’s ‘With or Without You’ works as great harmony for all of the songs you will hear. Don't worry. If you stick to 80s pop music it will sound good. Most of the harmony in shul is a beat off and not to the tune anyways. Close Your Eyes It will look like you are very penitent. Do not worry about knowing words here either. There is something about closing the eyes that shows people you do not know where the congregation is at in the Siddur, and that is spiritual. Show Up Late That shows you're comfortable in shul. Know the Choreography You take three steps back and three steps forward when starting and ending the silent Amidah prayer. Follow the congregation. That is it. Three small steps. Do not get too excited by the dance. Do not put your right-hand in. Do not take your right-hand out. You start shaking it all about and people write you off as a somebody who goes clubbing. Go Loud In Your Prayers Every Once in A While Your praying should have a part where you get higher. Peaks and valleys. Very important. Who cares that you don’t speak or understand Hebrew. Mumble in a loud tone every couple of minutes and you are speaking Yiddish. Go high-pitch loud-tone with your eyes closed, and penitence sets in. Do not do this for the silent prayer, unless if you are yelling 'Ya'aleh vYavo.' It is silent. Again, follow the other people, if they are silent, you should be too. If they are talking, you should also be telling everybody about your winter vacation plans to Florida. Never Ask Anybody What Page We're On Look over their shoulder. Peer into their Siddur. Even ruffle their pages. But never ask anybody the page. It's better to flip your Siddur open and have them thinking you're doing Yom Kippur prayers early. If you're in the wrong Parsha in the Chumash, that's OK. They'll think your Frum and you're learning instead of following the Torah reading. Learning is more Frum than following the Torah reading. I hope this helps. And remember, looking good when Davening has nothing to do with knowing what any words mean. Just move your mouth and know when to get loud. That's enough. You don't have to know Hebrew to use a Hebrew Siddur confidently. And when you walk into that shul, you walk in with confidence and yell at people. And you be the one to hit people with the Tallis. Take the first shot. Next time we will go into further detail of how to look penitent. We will discuss the main techniques like how to close your eyes and squint correctly, and how to look very serious like a loved one just passed. We will also go into detail as to how to bow correctly. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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Many people are scared to go to shul. They say they feel out of place. I am here to tell you 'don't feel out of place.' Everybody feels out of place when Bernie starts telling his jokes again. Here are a few tips for finding your way around shul and understanding the services, looking like you know what is going on, and most importantly, looking good.
Take the knowledge and some of these tips, and you too will look like a regular congregant. Say 'Yasher Koyach' to Everybody It sounds like you know what is going on. This is generally said after somebody gets an honor, kind of like saying ‘Good job.’ We do not say ‘good job,’ as the person probably messed up. Instead, you say ‘Yasher Koyach,’ and you have fulfilled a religious obligation of acknowledging the fact that the beadle (gabbai) didn’t give you the honor. Some say 'Yashkoyach.' Some say 'Yashkoych.' Some have no idea what they're saying. They just yawn with a strong 'Y' sound in front of it. Better yet. Instead of messing up the pronunciation, don’t say anything. Just shake everybody’s hand. People will appreciate this, as most of them have run for office. Be sure to say it to everybody. I'm usually sleeping when they call up the people to the Torah. I have no idea who I'm saying Yasher Koyach to. I can't tell you how many people I've given a Yasher Koyach to for going to the bathroom during Torah reading. In Sefardic Jewish tradition, they say ‘Chazak uBrachuch' when somebody comes back from the bathroom. Tell Somebody Looking for a Seat ‘That is My Seat’ By telling people where they can’t sit, you solidify your shul membership. Gangs sometimes force somebody to commit a crime in order to gain full gang affiliation. In shul, you just have to make another person feel very uncomfortable. Some synagogues have the hazing ritual, where you are forced to go over to somebody else during the Kiddish (post service snack time) and start an uncomfortable conversation that goes nowhere for 10 minutes. Listening to Bernie's jokes is a prerequisite for shul affiliation. To note, the best practice is to say, 'You're in my seat.' This way they know you are not friendly, and they are in an unwelcoming atmosphere. Once you get it down you will be part of the inner-circle, and you'll be getting high fives at Kiddish. And don't worry. If the shul is empty and they sit somewhere else, tell them it's Sid's seat. During the year, you're allowed to kick them out of chairs that people reserve for High Holidays, even if Sid only shows up for Yom Kippur. The goal is discomfort. If Somebody Hits a Table, Do Not Get Scared The Gabbai is generally the one that hits the table. It is the sign that a special prayer should be added into the silent prayer. What it is? Nobody knows. Maybe you have a birthday coming up. Most of the time it is used to let people know to add the prayer for the new month (Rosh Chodesh). The bang ensures that they will all add the prayer, due to fear. If you jump out of fear, or a shocked that a ninety year old is going to get violent, you've never been to shul and seen a Gabai mess up the order of the Aliyahs. You can also bang a table to scare somebody into leaving a seat they feel comfortable in. Watch Out for the Tallis The prayer shawl (Tallis) has tassels on all corners. Be careful. Safety comes first with Rabbi David. When people are putting on their Tallis, duck. Duck as fast as you can. These people will not take your safety into account when they're swinging the tassels. They swing them fast and hard and wide. They're going for your face, and they will extend their arms wide if they have to. This is why everybody bows during Aleiynu, at the end of the service. It is at that moment that people are taking off their Tallis, yet again, swinging it, already knowing that they hit you earlier when putting it on. This is also why so many Frum Jews wear glasses. If you get wounded by a Tallis, everybody will know you're a rookie who doesn't know how to slip a tassel, and you're going to look pathetic. Also, if you can, try to injure somebody with your Tallis. The less you have control of your Tallis the more it shows your seasoned understanding of the synagogue. Smile When People Say 'Hi' To You They are part of the welcoming committee. They don't want to, but they have been appointed to the position of having to be nice to you. Take the meal when they invite you. As a beginner you probably haven’t learned to cook a decent choolante yet. You might as well get something out of their position on the committee. You might end up in a congregation where people say ‘Shabbat Shalom,’ smile, offer you a seat, announce pages, have one person correcting the Torah reader very politely, while they all sing together in unison and don’t try to hit you with their Tallis. If that is the case, you are on your own. I cannot teach you how to navigate around that kind of service. I don't even know if that's Jewish. Next time we will talk about proper Davening Techniques to look good and penitent. In time, we will also be dealing with Kiddish, proper dress, how to go up to the Torah with a long list of people you want to bless in order to get the congregation mad, and how to fall asleep while the rabbi is talking. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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New Year's is Not Rosh Hashana12/29/2022
Many have asked me, as their rabbi, if it's a Mitzvah to celebrate New Year's Eve. Many do not know this, but New Year's Eve is not one of the New Years brought in the Torah. Gd did not command us to get drunk and wear a Santa hat. Hence, it's not a Mitzvah. Even so, New Year's is a Jewish day, and that is why we start New Year's at night. Let us now delve into some of the traditions of Rosh Hashana and New Year's Eve and how they differ.
New Year's: People go out and drink a lot of alcohol. Rosh Hashana: We stay in and drink a lot of Manischewitz. There is no Mitzvah of Kiddish on New Year's. Thus, you can drink any kind of alcohol you would like. The only issue is that most bars do not stock up on Manischewitz for New Year's. New Year’s: Watch the apple drop in New York City. Rosh Hashana: Do I even have to say?! You get it. New Year's: Celebrate with party. Rosh Hashana: Celebrate with brisket. You can also celebrate Rosh Hashana with Davening. However, it's hard to eat brisket while praying. New Year’s: They have sales. Rosh Hashana: Nothing is on sale. Even apples are marked up. The grocers know. New Year's: Kiss somebody at the stroke of midnight. That's the only true tradition of New Year's Eve. Rosh Hashana: If you kiss somebody you're going to hell, and you'll feel bad about it, and that makes you happy. New Year’s: Make New Year’s resolutions to not eat. Rosh Hashana: Eat as much as you can, because it is spiritual. After eight and a half pounds of brisket on Rosh Hashana, you make a resolution to not eat. Rosh Hashana and New Year's: After the resolution, you eat. It's tradition. New Year’s: Make a resolution to never eat chocolate. Rosh Hashana: Eat chocolate, because you ate it every day since January second. New Year’s: No praying. Rosh Hashana: We pray and we listen to the shofar. The day after New Year’s, everybody is praying that they’ll feel better. And everything they hear sounds like a shofar being blown real loud, right in their face. New Year’s: See famous people on TV. Rosh Hashana: Finally see some famous people showing up to shul. New Year's: People celebrate around the world with fireworks. Rosh Hashana: If you see anything that looks or sounds like fireworks, that's probably an anti-Semite. Rosh Hashana: Ask people and Gd for forgiveness, known as Teshuva. New Year’s: Do as many things wrong that you can, so you have what to do on Rosh Hashana. Rosh Hashana: Prepare for holiday by calling family and friends. New Year’s: Forget to call family and friends. Drank too much. Rosh Hashana: Everybody watches the guy blowing the shofar. New Year's: Everybody watches the guy puking. We've learned that there's a tradition a lot of people have to drink on New Year's Eve. If New Year's Eve doesn't fall out on Purim, you shouldn't drink. Rosh Hashana: The whole family is around. New Year's: You would feel too guilty to enjoy yourself if family was around. All this said, you can still do Mitzvahs on New Year's Eve. And if you're not inebriated, you might end up eating brisket on New Year's. That's a Mitzvah. New Year's and New Year are very different. You should all be blessed with a good New Year in September. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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Rabbi David. Why do we not do Hallel on Purim? We say it on Chanukah.
I don't believe that last part is a question. That's a statement. As such, I shall answer the first part, which ends with a question mark. Questions should always have question marks. If you can please tell the other congregants that a statement is not a question; that will help with the next guest speakers Q and A. They will appreciate questions being in question in form, and not speech form. The reason we don't say Hallel on Purim is that we're reading the Megillah. After reading the Megillah it would be way too painful. After an hour or so of Megillah and groggers to have to also then do Hallel, we would lose members. People would run from shul in fear. Reading the Megillah is an hour or so. It can last up to an hour and half with excitable kids. Hence, you should always be sure to read the Megillah without kids. Why do we say Hallel on Chanukah? Now, that's a question. Because there are no decent Chanukah songs for Frum Jews. 'I Had a Little Dreidel,' 'Sevivon Sov Sov Sov,' 'Hashkeidiah Porachat,' 'Chanukah Chag Yafeh Kol Kach.' I question if there are any Jewish Chanukah songs. We need Hallel to ensure some Jewish songs are sung on Chanukah. If it was up to our congregants we'd be singing 'Silent Night' around the Menorah. We're going to sing Hallel. Why does everybody in Israel constantly say 'Sufganiot make you fat' all of Chanukah? They're not going to say it on Pesach. It's annoying and it ruins my Chanukah. We all know doughnuts are not good on a diet. Weight Watchers doesn't have doughnuts on their list. They have munchkins. And nobody is enjoying a Sufganiah munchkin quota. They always say it right when they're eating the jelly filled oil doughnuts, to ward off the demons of fat. I can't enjoy the sucking out the jelly from a third Sufganiah when I'm hearing, 'These things make you fat.' They kill the whole holiday for me. Nobody should be worried about fat till after the holiday, when they have to take off fifteen pounds. That's the Psak. If these people really cared, they would give you a Sufganiah and a new pair of pants, and they would tell you to enjoy your Chanukah. Truth is, they would say it on Pesach. But Pesach they're saying 'Matzah makes you fat.' They find way to ruin my Pesach. Do I have to purchase gifts? If you want your family to love you. Why is Chabad's Chanukiah so much bigger than the one we lit at shul? I'm not willing to risk my life to light the Chanukah Menorah. Are you? Exactly. It's Sakanat Nifashot. I was never involved in construction. I will not start now with a Chanukiah, at the age of fifty-eight. I won't be raised fifteen stories in a bucket. Nor will I stand on a scaffolding to light for the third night. I saw that rabbi up on the Chanukiah. The Chanukiah was bigger than his house. The real question is if the Chabad rabbi is going to do additions to his home. Like a room with a big window, to light Chanukiahs on Chanukah. Chanukah lighting is not a competition. How long your Seder lasts is a competition. That's something to brag about. Where should we shop for Chanukah? You need milk? Yes. The grocery store. There's a decent convenience store down the block as well. It used to be a 7-Eleven. Rabbi David's Notes These congregants are so annoying. I understand I'm a Gadol, but everybody comes to me with the most annoying questions. Can any of these people make decisions themselves? I have to answer that question too now. Why do I always have to compete with the Chabad rabbi? I do believe our shul should get a new Chanukiah. The tin Menorah is pathetic. Especially when the Chabad rabbi is lighting from a scaffolding six stories up. You will never see me driving around with a Chanukiah on my car, as that is a fire hazard. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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Questions People Ask Rabbis11/16/2022
Rabbis are spiritual leaders. Thus, they get asked many questions about Torah laws and how find a decent deal at the grocery. People who can't make decisions come to rabbis. And I have to deal with this.
I have to deal with many of life’s most perplexing questions. Here are some of the questions brought to me by the congregants. Here are some of the questions that deal with our tradition and how I dealt with them. Why Did You Use a Blowtorch To Make Our Kitchen Kosher? That was a mistake. I shouldn’t have taken a blowtorch to their microwave. That was dangerous. The rabbinic program should’ve offered a course in welding. The congregants wanted me to pay for their new microwave, and the table that also went up flames. I believe that is what the rabbi’s discretionary fund is for. When Our Son is Getting Called to the Torah, Where Should We Stand? Those parents wanted to be at the center of everything at that kid’s Bar Mitzvah. When I called up the young boy to the podium, to give him his prayer book in honor of becoming a man, his dad asked me, 'Where is mine?' The parents left the congregation after being offended by my explanation that each person only gets one Bar Mitzvah. They didn’t like the idea of not being able to get Bar Mitzvahed again with each of their children. To make them feel like they were sharing in the celebration, when they were leaving, I whipped candies at them too. Can You Do My Husband’s Funeral? I didn’t want to answer that question. I told her that I would rather wait till he is dead before answering that question. I don’t know what her plans were. Is That our Mayser? Does That Count as Our Tithe? These people were trying to get out of giving charity. They wanted a definition of charity tithing that included their shopping for winter clothes. They explained their case very well. They told me that walking around without clothes would deem them poor, 'thus buying the H&M collection is charity.' They also asked for the shul to underwrite their trip to Hawaii, as poor people can’t afford three-week tropical getaways. Is My Kitchen Kosher? After tasting the brisket, I could tell you it wasn’t kosher. The meat was too lean. Do I have to Make a Blessing on Mangos? That guy has been trying to find a way out of every blessing, for years. His reasoning was that they have too big of a pit, and we shouldn’t be making blessings on pits. His reason for why he doesn’t make a blessing on the milk he drinks every morning: he’s lactose intolerant. How Does Your Yarmulke Stay On? I had no satisfactory answer for this. I can’t tell you how to keep your yarmulke on. For me, practice. Many years of practice. It has taken many years to build up my balancing ability. Even now, when there is wind, I have no idea how any bald man keeps a yarmulke on. I personally use the one-handed yarmulke clampdown. I care and I am here to answer all of your questions to help with your religious needs. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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More food was needed. After the three multiple course meals the community realized there was more room for eating. It was only 9pm, and nobody truly had to go to sleep. There was more time to eat. That's when they added the Oneg. Kiddish was added when they realized breakfast was missing.
Onegs In 1989 the Friday night Oneg was created at a Shabbaton. A Shabbaton is a Shabbat retreat where you eat for twenty-five hours with other people. Oneg, meaning delight, means you should eat more. After much study in the Beit Midrash, we learned that the eight course, fifteen dish main course, first of three meals on Shabbat, with soup nuts, doesn't bring enough delight to one, unless if there is a meal right after that meal and whipped cream. That extra meal is the Oneg. After you eat as much as you can, to bring more happiness, you eat more than that. For your soul. At the Shabbaton, Benjamin said, 'I'm still hungry.' The rabbi said, 'That's forbidden.' And the Shabbat Oneg was created. Hence, it's a Mitzvah to eat again, right away. Right after Shabbat dinner and dessert, it's required to eat a pot of choolante. And then there are another two meals. And they added Kiddish. For Oneg. The Gemara only spoke of three meals. But as we evolved as good Jews, our stomachs were able to handle more. So, we added the Oneg to focus on the foods put out by the local bakery and Osem, who makes nicely packaged cakes. If you're lucky, you'll show up to the Oneg and there'll be a Green's babka. Some people date the Oneg back to the rebbe's Tish. However, Tishes don't have the financial backing to portion out that much food. Kiddish There is also Shabbat morning. The rabbis of the Talmud said nothing about eating before you need to. Hence, nothing was said about Kiddish, other than a Bracha over wine at the meals. Kiddish, food on Shabbat morning, was added as the final requirement. Kiddish is the other Oneg that's not called an Oneg. Added in 1991, it's the fifth Shabbat meal. Added two years after the Oneg. It took two years to realize that there was room for a second Kiddish, between finishing Musaf prayers at 11:45am and eating lunch at 12:30pm. For millennia, forty-five minutes was waisted every Shabbat when people could've been eating. The Mitzvahs we overlook. Kiddish was moving well, and then somebody found out about yapchik in 2018. So, we had to add that to every Kiddish. Kiddish now had choolante, kichel, potato kugel, luchian kugel, Yerushalmi kugel, whatever other kugels people heard about, quiches which are kugels if you're Frum, schnapps, herring, kishka which could also be considered a kugel, Green's babka, other leftover Oneg pastry, yapchik- which is a kugel, and gefilte fish balls. Gefilte fish balls are manufactured solely for Kiddish. That's the full business of gefilte fish balls. Kiddish. How Do You Eat at an Oneg and Kiddish Good question. Double portions are paramount. You need to satisfy the extra Shabbat soul and the double portions of Manna. After the math, to follow the Torah correctly, you have to take fourths. No matter how much you eat, you should still be eating more. There was the fruit salad scare of the late 20th century. Fruit salads became a thing in 1996, but that was nixed by the religious community. So we still have dessert. B"H. At the Kiddish or oneg you should complain that there is not enough food. Even if there's a lot of food, complaining is important. It adds to the atmosphere. Any Kiddish you go to, you should be saying 'There's never enough to eat here.' The sponsors should know. Rabbis have convened to discuss Kiddishes with little food (a busha, embarrassment to the Jewish people, in its own right) and it's been decided that if there's not enough for double portions for everybody, somebody does not know how to cook as a Jew and they're going to Gehenim. And they're required to purchase a Hadassah and Bais Yaakov cookbook. Machmir people who care about Torah, ensure that all Kiddishes have enough for fourthsies. There is Room For More We've come a long way since the early '90s. We now have five meals. Yet, no meals have been added since Kiddish and Oneg. And that makes me question if we're eating enough as modern day Jews. Are we developing? People have started with an afternoon snack. The afternoon snack is going to make its way. It will start with Yom Tov, as on the holidays we don't have Seuda Shelishit (the original third Shabbat meal- now the fifth). Since there is no Seuda Shelishit on the holidays, the afternoon snack will take on full meal status on Yom Tov first. And then it will make its way into Shabbat. The foods will be the same. There won't be tuna or egg salad, as those are rabbinic requirements to eat at Seuda Shelishit, correctly known as Shalishusidis (not sure what that means, but it's the correct way to say it). Hence, I propose we start the sixth Shabbat meal now. I propose we call it Nishnishit. An amalgamation of Seudah Shelishit, Kiddish and snack. I understand the brilliance. I'm sorry for foretelling in my historical work, however our people is going to fall in holiness if we don't add Nishnishit immediately. Predating yapchik, in 2007 the Salatim course became a Biblical requirement as well. We will go more into depth into the Salatim course next time. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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Jews were in the Midbar, the desert, complaining about food. So, Gd gave them Manna every day, and they still complained. On Friday, they had to take two of the Manna loaves, so they would have enough for Shabbat. They complained. And to this day, people complain about preparing for Shabbat.
We also had to collect double portions when there was a holiday. So, now Jews prepare huge feasts every holiday. Four of them within a forty hour span. And three enormous feasts every Shabbat. And you have to eat them all. And if you don't eat them, you're not a good Jew. Here is the extensive history: How It Began We were told to collect double portions. And you wonder why our ancestors were complaining all the time. Two Challahs?! That won't fill anybody up. Ever had one of those little rolls? Imagine getting stuck with a bulkie. Worried we would get stuck with bulkie rolls, we started having huge meals. Meals Became Huger In late 204 CE, to be exact, the rabbis tried to figure out what two loaves meant. That got translated as two four course meals every day of every holiday and three on Shabbat. Plus dessert. In 1377 Shmuli asked, 'What about dessert?' And it became a requirement to add babka. Exile Didn't Stop Us - It Only Added More Food Wandering, Jews were worried how they will make these four course meal loaves. And they found a way to make huger meals, creating Hashgacha organizations for Kashrut. Allowing factories to cook for us, in vats that hold a hundred thousand gallons. Yom Tov Sheni Shel Galuyot, the second day holiday of exile, became a staple in the Jewish community. So, we had to eat more. If Gd would've had in mind Yom Tov Sheni Shel Galuyot, He would've made us take three loaves of Manna. So the people decided they needed to double the amount they ate at every meal; making for two eight course meals, every meal of the holidays. As Shabbat is even greater than the holidays, Shabbat had to have three eight course meals. They needed thirty Challahs for that. And soup. In the early 1500s soup nuts became a rabbinical requirement. The rabbis were worried that there were not enough carbs. It took years, and the founding of modern day Israel, to finally bring the crunch to the soup that the rabbis announced was missing from Shabbat joy. Recipes Add To Weight In the 1600s, they figured out how to make Kugel, which is anything not dessert in baked form. Truly, a Kugel is anything served in a tin that is not chicken. And we started making bigger meals. You had to have double portions of Kugel. Otherwise, you offend the Ba'alat Bayit. It was then that they also learned how to make brisket as well. This all doubled the amount of each course, again, doubling the main course. The Kugel redefined Shabbat meals, and made us fatter as a people. We have to delight in Shabbat, and Kugels brought delight. Kugels, choolante, kishka, tzimis, fish, matzah balls, desserts, chicken, salatim. It all developed at around the same time. It was then that two Challahs turned into fifteen dishes for the main course. And you couldn't have a main course without soup. You also needed fish, so that you could use the extra smaller plate. An aside: The smaller plate became a symbol of what the Jew will not eat. We use it for a beginner course, and then we remove it from the table to show that only sinners eat such small portions. In the twentieth century Hadassah was created to ensure that all Jews know how to make large portions. Different Traditions Of the Ages The food became too much to bring to the table, so the French started what is known as the buffet. They are very weak and can't carry forty pound briskets to the table. In other countries Jews were worried. The pale of settlement came and the Jews didn't know where their next meal was coming from. So it was a new command to eat as much as you can twice, at each meal, to fulfil Lechem Mishneh. And then we saw that there was no Challah. An Extra Shabbat Soul And then the rabbis started pushing the teaching of a Nishama Yeteira, an extra Shabbat soul. So, at each meal, you had to eat two four course meals with extra Challahs, soup, kishka, Kugels and soup nuts, at every meal, and extra dessert. I don't know the full mathematics. All I know is that this is where they coined the phrase, 'I'm going for doubles.' 'Seconds' was already used in the year 1,043 BCE. How we have two Challahs still on Saturday? I don't know. So we now collect thirty-two Challahs for Shabbis. And we eat more, as we're worried we didn't fulfill the two loaves. And then they added whip cream to dessert. Otherwise, the extra soul is still hungry. Being a Good Jew Then the rabbis made a decree that you have to be heavy. Otherwise it's Maaras Ayin that you're not eating enough on the holidays (Chagim). Communities started excommunicating members who were under 200lbs. If you were over eighteen and under 200lbs, you were banned. In some communities it became tradition to start diets after every Chag. The head of the table would say, 'The diet starts after the Chag.' Those communities became known as modern orthodox. Next time we will go through the history of the Oneg Shabbat and other modern-day additions to the Shabbat meal, such as Salatim, adding a double sixth course to every Shabbat and Yom Tov meal. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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Traditional Sukkahs You Can Build10/6/2022
People think that Jews aren’t handy. Not true. When it comes to the holiday of Sukkot, we pull out that architectural paper and get to work. The people who built the pyramids come to life by showing they can still build, with structures that last eight days.
Here are the four traditional Sukkahs you can build this Sukkot. Cloth Sukkah The Cloth Sukkah is traditional Jewish building at its peak. For construction, you take the pre-tailored cloth and slip the metal pole through the folded over hole that runs through the cloth. This is not a simple one-person job, as the metal pole can easily get stuck in the middle of the cloth. Hence, most traditional architects suggest the builders stick to brick and cement when laying the foundations of a building. They have seen the hazards of cloth building. It might sound easy to stick a pole through cloth, but it takes a good half hour to finish this structure. Which is why so many young Jewish children opt out of the building business. There is no greater feeling of accomplishment as a builder then when you take the hard side of the Velcro and attach it to the soft side of the Velcro. At that point, you know the building is complete. At that point, it's time to crack open that beer. That home is finished. Job well done. You can dwell in that and not get bit by mosquitos. Great part of this Sukkah is the mesh work on the cloth window slats. This allows for a view of the wall you set up your Sukkah against. Canvas Sukkah A step up from the Cloth Sukkah in its ability to make noise in the wind. You do not push the metal slats through the canvas here. For this Sukkah, we use the metal ring construction technique. Making it more complicated, you have to build with string and double knots. You also have to find decent plumbing, as your pipes must be strong. This Sukkah is best built in stormier areas. If you live near tall buildings, this may be a better choice than the Cloth Sukkah. However, make sure you practice tying knots before attempting construction. Anybody with untied shoelaces will not be of help here. The best part about this Sukkah is that after the holiday, you can use your walls to transfer the leaves from your backyard to the curb. Wood Plank Sukkah The Wood Plank Sukkah walls are not for the novelist. Even so, it makes for great family memories. If you want the full holiday experience of family hostility, this is the Sukkah for you. As memories are based in complication, the Wood Plank Sukkah made for my childhood memories, with yells of ‘Where is the B plank.’ My father never marked the planks, and I never knew what the B plank meant. It might have been the A or D plank that my dad was looking for. As I learned later on, it was not about the plank, but rather a chance to shout at me. Make for family memories and add a level of complication to your holidays. Other ways to make for family memories of holiday antipathy is to live in a building and to have your Sukkah in the building’s courtyard. The 100 meter walk and four flights of stairs to the Sukkah, while carrying soup, will definitely have mom and dad yelling at the children. Home Sukkah You get rid of the ceiling and you're good to go. Roofing problems? Hole in the roof? This is your year for a Sukkah. Some people don’t like racoons in their home. Those weak people call the roofer. You put up that Sukkah covering (schach) and you have the most beautiful Sukkot holiday you ever had. You just have to see the wooden lining. I don't suggest you carve out your living room ceiling for Sukkot. It would be the religious thing to do. However, it will bring up the heating bill this winter. I don't know if they had the Canvas Sukkah in the desert. Though, it would've made sense. Now it's time to make for some family memories and build with your children, and yell at them. No matter what kind of Sukkah you build, remember that the Sukkah is a place to show our belief that G-d protects us from everything but flies. We will bring you more options for Sukkah building next time. Including the Sukkahs with wheels, Clunker Sukkahs, bouncy houses and more modern day Sukkahs like the Lego Sukkah that takes many years of commitment to build. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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The Rambam teaches that to do Teshuva (repentance) correctly, you must confess (Viduy) and say 'I will never do it again.' We learn from here that the most important part of repentance is to lie.
Rambam Hilchot Teshuva 1:1 To do proper Teshuva, you must do Viduy which consists of ‘Please H’, I have sinned by accident, I have sinned purposefully, I have sinned in defiance, before You. And I did such and such. And I regret and am embarrassed by my deeds. And I will never return to this again.’ Hence lying is the essence of Teshuva. You have to lie to God with sincerity. ‘H’. I feel so bad for having a good time. I will never do it again… Or at least until after Sukkot, when You stop judging us.’ This guy seems to have done every sin imaginable. The real question is, what is 'such and such'? 'Such and such' is a long list. It usually starts with eating chocolate. Chocolate seems to be the biggest sin people are worried about. That's why you hear about vows of not eating chocolate again when it comes to New Years. Other such and suches are 'I had the best burger of my life at Wendy's.' 'I watched too many series and didn't learn enough Torah.' 'People needed me and I enjoyed myself instead.' I've got to be honest. If somebody every tells me they did such and such, our relationship is over. Nobody does such and such to me and gets away with it. It's rude. Have you ever heard anybody regret something and not do it again? No. People always eat chocolate again. The statement my congregants should make is, ‘It will never happen again till Sukkot, when I forget about it.’ Or 'I would've never said that if I wasn't worried that I would be written in the book of death.' Or 'It's my rabbi's fault. I blame him for everything.' I pray for all that you will be able to celebrate full repentance, and stick to your lies, so you don't end up in Gehenim. And those lies should have you written in the book of life, enjoying chocolate. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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A well put together cover page for a Jewish newspaper. I knew I was reading a Frum Jewish newspaper, as they found a way to fit 28 ads on the cover page. And the feature article is an ad for Amor jewelry... A properly written Jewish magazine should be advertisements. I once read a non-religious magazine, and I felt like a sinner when I read an article to only find there was no phone number at the end of it. I felt defiled… It’s a shame the Amor ad is so big. They could’ve got another 20 ads in.
(Shulchan Aurch 568:1) One who eats by accident on a fast must continue fasting. Making for a three hour fast to fully mourn the Churban of the Temples. I believe that break between meals fully calls to heart the true yearning of my soul over the loss of the Batei Mikdash... You can't eat once you remember you sinned, as one who committed a sin can't commit a second by snacking once they're already full.
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