This is the second part of the story in Berachot 61b. But sometimes it's good to start with the part where the person dies. So, let us learn about Rabbi Akiva's death in praise of Gd. I figured that people need a bit of a pick-me-up. 

It was time for Kriyat Shema when they took Rabbi Akiva for execution. It seems to always work out that way. You're in the middle of something important, and it's time for the Shema prayer.
The Romans were combing Rabbi Akiva's flesh with iron combs. That hurts. In camp, the older guys once put toothpaste on a tennis racket and rubbed that on me when I was a kid. It was torture. I can only imagine iron combs with Colgate.
Now I know where those guys in the older division got it from. A bunch of anti-Semites. Self-hating Jews. Iron combs are serious. And it was torture. This isn't one of those straightening irons. This wasn't a modern day Israeli guy open shirt with curlies flying all out there. This was an iron comb running over Rabbi Akiva's flesh. This was serious. Almost as serious as not brushing your teeth. There are lessons for children in this story too.

It was at this time that Rabbi Akiva was accepting upon himself the Yoke of Heaven. Known as saying the Shema. Some people have Kavanah, intent in their prayers. Some people understand what they're saying. Rabbi Akiva was not spacing out like every one of congregants. As the iron combs were running over him, he focused on H'. You hear somebody cough and all Kavanah is lost. You're already thinking about Golden Grahams for breakfast. And I can't even get one of my students to study for a test.

Rabbi Akiva's students asked, “Even to this extent? Even now with burning iron blasted all over your skin? A cough can ruin Kavanah for anybody. What does it take to distract you? We thought you were kidding with that serving Gd with all of your soul. Jokes are jokes. We didn't realize you were serious.”
Rabbi Akiva answered, “All my days, I felt bad about the verse ‘with all your soul,’ meaning even if He takes your soul. I asked when will it come to my hands to be able to fulfill this? And now that this opportunity has come to my hands, should I not fulfill it?!” His students didn’t know if they were supposed to answer that question. Sometimes, your rebbe puts questions out there, and you think you're supposed to answer it. Next thing you know, they have the answer. 
At that point, the students didn’t ask anything more. They didn’t want another speech. At that point, Rabbi Akiva was asking why his students are still asking him questions, when he's dying. Even now, they're bothering him with questions.
Irony: "With all your soul" is in the Shema prayer. And it's also ironic that I used the word "irony." A little pun Rabbi Akiva might have appreciated at the time, if they spoke English.

Rabbi Akiva was extending the “Echad” the word "One" for H’. Until his soul departed at Echad. Some say he ran out of breath. It was probably the physical torture. Nonetheless, they never gave a length to the tradition of extending the word “Echad.” I’ve seen people in shul pass out. I’ve told my congregants to not continue past the point where their face turns red. Dying from the Shema is not a Mitzvah.
And you missed Zman Kriyat Shema because you were tired and needed a little more sleep. Were you tired from Romans trying to kill you?!

A voice from Heaven came and said, “Fortunate are you Rabbi Akiva, that your soul departed at the word 'Echad.'" Many people have been caught waiting for their rabbis to finish "Ahava Rabba" prayer, never to have the privilege to begin saying the Shema. Others, in modern day shuls, have waited for their rabbis to finish the Shema, passing away before they were able to move onto the next prayer.
The ministering angels said before the Holy One, blessed be He, "This is Torah and this is it’s reward?" And who said angels can't be sarcastic?!
Gd said to them, “Their portion is life.” Meaning eternal life. The Tzadik gets world to come. Where there are no Romans and people running toothpaste over a tennis racket on your chest. I think.
A voice from Heaven came and said “Fortunate are you Rabbi Akiva for you are invited to the life of the world to come.” How many people are invited to Olam Haba?! People usually just end up in the world to come. No invitation. Uninvited. They pass away quite rudely. Then they just crash the party. Show up all dapper in their shroud like the life of the party. The angels are like, “Who invited this guy?!” Angels can be quite snobby.
Rabbi Akiva was invited. He probably even had a place card set up for him at the dais. There's nothing worse than showing up and not finding your name on the place card table. You think they know you, and now they're scrambling to sit you at a table, pulling in a last minute chair in Gd's presence. 

Commentaries
Tzadiks are popular in the world to come. Rabbi Akiva showed up and Hillel and Shamai are high-fiving him, asking him questions they've been arguing over since they got to heaven. At this point, Rabbi Akiva is asking how he has to answer questions even in heaven.

Tosfot (Ketubot 103b “Mizsuman”) teaches that "invited to the life of the world to come" means he will have no judgment or suffering getting into the world to come. "Invited to the world to come" sounds like a curse. If you're a Tzadik, it's different. But it says "life." The Tzadik lives there. The Tzadik finally gets to relax, unless if Hillel and Shamai are still arguing.
The Maharsha teaches that the Tzadik's portion is in the world to come. It's not in this world, where you have to deal with students. 

Since I heard the story, I started keeping my Echads real quick.
The Gemara (Berachot 13b) teaches, “All who prolong the word Echad will have their days and years prolonged.” I shall start extending my Echads again. I guess I misunderstood the passing away during Echad part. I have to go over the story. I never get the point.
The Gemara is probably saying the world to come is prolonged. Either way, it seems like a good idea to extend the Echad a bit. It might take a few seconds off life, but it gives you eternal life of connection with One, Gd. Maybe even a place card.

Lessons of What Followed
There must be a lesson here. If you have anything, please let me know. It would be nice.
Wait. There must be something there about serving H' with all your soul.

Sometimes you should answer questions. Maybe if his students would've answered his question, Rabbi Akiva wouldn’t have been killed. If they just would've said, "Maybe it's better to say the Shema in the sanctuary." And from that day on, students started answering the questions their rabbis asked them.
Why we don't say ZT"L (Remember the Tzadik for a Bracha) for the Tanaim, I can't answer that. Rabbi Akiva should continue his Aliyas Nishama (a rising of his soul) in the merit of all the Torah he gave us. Same with Rabbi Yosef Karo and the Rama. Maybe there's a time limit on ZT"L. If we're still learning your Torah after four hundred years, we accept you're dead, and we'll remember your name.

One must choose life. However, when without a choice, you praise H' till the end. I've been in many extenuating circumstances of suffering, such as last Yom Kippur. The Chazin was so bad. Davening felt like it took days. But I still praised H's name. I like to think that I learned from Rabbi Akiva.

And it's because of Rabbi Akiva and his students that Torah lives.
To this day, parents use this story and speak of iron combs to get kids to brush their teeth before bed. They also use the story to let their kids know they have no excuse to not say the Shema, by scaring them.

***I probably got the story wrong. Maybe the Gemara is a better source. Berachot 61b might work as a good place to look, if you understand Aramaic. Or you can do what I did and check out the Artscroll Schottenstein Talmud Bavli Berachot 61b3. The footnotes there also make the commentaries much easier to misunderstand.

We didn’t know laws of Shechita before receiving the Torah, and the Torah was given on Shabbat, and you can’t slaughter on Shabbat, so we eat dairy on Shauvot. Some say the word Chalav, milk in Hebrew, equals forty, the days Moshe was up on Har Sinai... Any reason to eat cheesecake works. I’m fine not justifying it. As long as there is cheesecake, I will celebrate. Why do I eat cheesecake on Shavuot? Because people are making it, and it tastes amazing. I also have a tradition to use whipped cream. I don’t know what the source for that is.
Some say a two-loaf offering was brought in the Temple on Shavuot, so we eat two meals. One dairy and one meat. All good by me. That’s another meal. It's Halachikly acceptable, as long as there is cheesecake. 
 
(Berachos 16a) In order to not take away from their work, employees only recite two Berachas of Birkat Hamazon. This is why people show to work. To get out of benching.
For years I was afraid to eat bread due to the length of the post meal blessing. If I would’ve known I didn’t have to say the whole Birkat Hamazon, I would’ve got a decent job and enjoyed bread all this time. I would’ve contributed to society.

Rambam Hilchot Rotzeyach (11:4-5) teaches that one who puts themselves in danger is violating the positive commandment of (Devarim 4:9) "Beware of yourself and guard your soul." Thus, it is important to not deal with congregants. As they can be very annoying.
As with a deep ditch, for safety, a rabbi should put a fence around the congregation. At least ten handbreadths high, so the congregants stay away from you. Many are not aware of this, but the first Mechitzahs were built for the whole congregation. To keep them away.
One must also not put themselves in a danger when traveling. Thus, one mustn’t travel to date, as that can lead to marriage. I am here to answer all questions.
 
Rambam (Hilchot Melachim uMilchamot 6:7) teaches to not siege a city on all four sides. “A place should be left to flee and for all those who desire, to escape with their lives.” This is why committee meetings take place in a room with a door. So, people can escape with their lives.
The Rambam doesn’t give a list of excuses for getting out of meeting, such as “I have to pick up my child from baseball practice.” Or "I am going to renounce my membership if I ever have to see you people again." Those laws were developed later. In committee meetings.

(Peninei Halacha, Zemanim 4:5:1-4) It’s a Mitzvah to celebrate when we were saved, like on Yom HaAtzmaut, or when we got out of shul early. You have to celebrate the gifts from Gd. And not having to hear a sermon is one of them... This is why we celebrate Chanukah and Purim. There were no sermons or Chazins on Chanukah and Purim, and we were saved. At least there was no singing in my shul until some of these guys decided that it would be a good idea to pull out a guitar for Hallel.
We celebrate being saved from Mitzrayim, from slavery. Kal vChomer, even more so we must rejoice when we are saved from death. And I sometimes feel the need to hurt a Chazin who goes too long. Hence, we should celebrate getting out of shul early. And that’s how we Halacha is developed. And that’s how drinking schnapps at Kiddish started.

The Chatam Sofer (Yoreh De'ah 233) wouldn't do Lag Bomer parties as there are no new Yom Tovs after the destruction of the Temple. And that’s why birthdays in the Chatam Sofer's house were depressing. The kids were sitting on the floor waiting to build the Third Beit Hamikdash so they could get a decent cake with a number on it. Some of the grandchildren are still waiting to celebrate being ten.
Though, he did say that those who celebrate Lag Bomer with pure intention will be blessed, which now makes it confusing. And I'm stuck between the two, celebrating in an unhappy way.
And I'm now trying to light fires with pure intention, which has people worried.
 
(Shemot 21:15, 17) Cursing one’s parents is punishable by death. So don’t drive behind your mom or dad when they get older. Old people drive slow.
You’re allowed to beep your parents, as long as there is no curse behind the beep. And don’t work for your dad. It’s natural to curse anybody that makes you work. And don't help with chores around the house. That leads to cursing. You take out the garbage to honor your parents, and the next thing you know, you're cursing them for giving you a beautiful life.
 
Jerusalem wasn’t given to a tribe in the times of Yehoshua. It was for all the tribes. Now, the Churches own a good half the land, representing the Christian tribes of Greece, Armenia and Rome. I don't think they were mentioned in the Torah, which must be how they got a great deal on it. Either that or by murder. Which is a great way to save money...
The Jewish tribes are sticking to the Halacha and still don't own it, and thus Jews pay a very high rent, known as mortgage. And they are going to heaven broke.
How mortgage is rent is something even I can't explain. It's one of the many miracles of Yerushalayim. That, and the guy at the Shuk still yelling the price of Rugulach, when he has a sign saying "25nis" right there.

I can't go this Shavuot without helping you figure out more ways to stay up all night by not learning Torah.
We've discussed many ways to stay up over the years. Eating blintzes, a lot of blintzes to take up more time, drinking coffee, drinking coke, the talking to people method, meeting a potential spouse method of staying up Shavuot, even if it creeps out the ladies at the Shiur, extending dinner to stay away from the Tikun Leil Shavuot lectures. You also have the discussion technique of finding out about what people's college graduates are planning on doing after they've been crashing at their parent's home for the past three years- a great way to disturb somebody, helping them lose sleep. Last Shavuot I noticed more creative ways to stay up, and I shall share them with you, to help.
Definitely. Do not learn Torah. The idea is to remain awake for the receiving of the Torah without learning it.

The Snacks Method
"Snacks" is how secular Jews say Kiddish.
You had the meal. Meals stop. Snacks don't. The meal is over, what do you do? You can’t eat dessert all night. You snack.
The Snack Method consists of you eating more. You ate before you came back to shul to talk while others are learning. Now, you eat more. Good Jews eat more. If you don't know how to eat more, you're not a good Jew and you probably don't even keep the holiday of Shavuot. And you don't deserve to receive the Torah, which commands you to eat more than you can. You probably don't even know what “keep” means. Keep is how Frum Jews practice Mitzvot. They keep them. Religious Jews keep Mitzvot very close to themselves, which is why they hold by them.
While you are eating, you socialize. Don't stop eating. If you stop, somebody might suggest you go to another class. It's healthier to eat than to listen to a lecture at 2am.
The difference between the Snacks Method and the Gorging Method is that you can talk while eating snacks. When gorging, your mouth must be full at all times, thus not leaving space for correct pronunciation.
 
Sing a Niggun
Singing can take up a bunch of time. Nigguns can take up even more time. The Niggun has no words, nor does one know where the chorus and verses are. Hence, the Niggun only ends when it stops. And you do not stop, or the lecture will start. And lectures induce sleep.
The idea is an activity. A Shavuot dance party is a great way to spend the night. The Manhattan JCC has capitalized on Shavuot activities that have nothing to do with Torah, which is the perfect way to stay up throughout the night for the Torah. A dance party with a DJ and a decent action movie, maybe some Karaoke and a cash bar. Great ways to spend the Shavuot holiday, getting through the night, without having to think about Torah. You may even want to head to a bar or a casino and sing a Niggun there. Staying away from Jews and playing slot machines may help you stay up. I don't believe the Manhattan JCC has thought about Shavuot slot machines yet. Pictures of blintzes and cheesecake with Torahs would be perfect reels, along with Lucky Number 18. Again, we're just trying to help you stay awake. The idea is to stay up.

Politics
Get involved in a political debate with any member of my shul. That will last a good three hours, before you have a chance to share your opinion.

Play Boardgames
We've discussed Jewish boardgames. Yet, regular boardgames that don't have to do with Mitzvot may be an easier way to stay up. They're social, will helpfully disturb any lecture, and they are all Jewish. Boardgames is how you have fun when you have no access to the internet, making them Shabbisdik and Jewish.
Sit in a class and open up a Chess board. The sound of smacking down a Chess piece will definitely shift the focus of the Shiur. If you have Monopoly that is also fun. The dice make some good noise. Dice rolling, along with a loud "I will take Boardwalk - thank you," will help shift the rooms focus to the enjoyment of a game of Monopoly, which was given to the Jews at Sinai.
Games nights are a regular Friday night event in Jewish communities around the globe. Games nights used to be for fans of comics and Dungeons and Dragons, until they learned about technology and the joys of being able to play games without interacting with people. Now game nights are only for Frum people, who are not allowed to enjoy Shabbat without people.
You can play Monopoly. I don't suggest Settlers of Catan, known by many Jew haters as Occupiers of Catan.

Eating More
Remember to eat. And to not stop eating. Otherwise, you will have to learn.
The popping over to other people's homes method is a great way to lengthen eating duration and save money. You eat their food. Cheesecake can get kind of expensive.
Eating as many meals as possible also helps. This is why the first eat a dairy meal and then eat a meat meal tradition started. You finish the meat meal at 2am and you don't have to learn very much.

Do Not Learn
Anything you are doing that is not learning or listening to lectures will help.
You can also set an alarm and let it run. It's very hard to sleep with one of those things beeping all night. Let the alarm go off in the Beit Midrash. Bothering people who are trying to learn also a great way to stay up. Bothering people is a fun activity, and will help you stay awake, even if you forgot the alarm.
The exercise technique should not be overlooked. Bring a squat-rack into the Beit Midrash. Lifting weights in bro form, with other dudes cheering you on, will keep you awake and definitely bother the others who are trying to figure out why Rava is wrong again. This can also help others by keeping them in shape between Chavrusas. I am just trying to help here.
Don't forget the Niggun method. With the way people at my shul harmonize, nobody will be able to learn with that disturbance. Again, the idea is to disrupt people to help them stay up.
Even better. Get somebody from the Manhattan JCC to set up a DJ booth in the Beit Midrash.

Again. Do not learn.
If you do end up being forced to learn, ask questions. If you're learning the Gemara about the people fighting over a Tallis, ask questions about Tzitzis. You can get through a whole night asking, "Does people fighting over a Tallis apply to Tzitzis? Let's say they were each grabbing the Tzitzis? Would the Tzitzis not rip? Is it Rava or Rabba? That always confuses me, which one is which." You will be learning and bothering the person you're learning with at the same time. This all helps with staying awake. Once you move further into the Gemara and start learning Tosfot, you're spacing out and falling asleep.
Again. The eating method is the best way to stay up. Eat and drink coffee and put on a few pounds. Putting on weight, the Gorging Method, is the most accepted technique for not falling asleep. The Cheesecake Method is the most trusted of the Gorging Methods, as it offers you extra time in the bathroom. And one may not learn in the bathroom. Thus, nobody will bother you there.
And do not forget the Walking to the Kotel for Vatikin Davening Method. If you are living outside of Jerusalem that walk will definitely eat up some time. Just remember to set up the correct food parcels for the trip, thus helping you put on weight while walking to the Kotel. Therefore, practicing the Jewish holiday rituals of staying up all night and putting on weight.
Again. Do not learn.

Mother's Day just passed, though I got many Shaylas on the day. Many good Frum Jews were wondering if they had to honor their mothers. I thus feel it's important to bring you the history and Halachik discussion of the day.
Contrary to popular belief, Mother’s Day is not a Biblical holiday. It is not mentioned in the Torah. With that in mind, bathing is permissible.

The first Mother's Day celebration was held in 1908. Anna Jarvis thought to commemorate her social activist mother’s passing by forcing everybody else to honor their moms too. That’s what activists do. They have an idea and they make everyone else do it. She thought that showing respect for her deceased mother was the proper thing to do, so people pamper their living mothers. And thus, Mother's Day began, in a church.
Jews were relieved to hear this was a Christian thing. To quote Yankel Simcha Ben Baruch Avramel, "B"H. If my mother ever heard about this Mother's Day thing, she would make dad cook that night... H' Yishmor. His brisket. We shouldn't know of such things."

Not long after, in 1908, Jewish mothers heard about this. It doesn't take long for Jewish mothers to hear about stuff. They talk. The conversation was, "What? You don't have a day for us?!" And Mother's Day became a Jewish thing.

Ruchel's kids told her, "Mom. Every day is Mother's Day." Ruchel was not happy with that, and responded, "Is this Mother's Day you speak of a day where I have to make the beds and clean the dishes?!"
"But Mom. We do Kibud Av vEim, honoring our parents, every day." To which Ruchel let them know, "Then. You're doing a very bad job." And she went on to list how many times they haven't taken out the trash.
After chastising her children for not fulfilling their requirements, they decided that they would have Mother's Day. And so, every Sunday Ruchel Heimowitz and here family celebrated Mother's Day. And Ruchel finally had a day where she didn't have to think about her kids.
Originally, the goal of Mother's Day in the Jewish community was to give mothers a chance to forget they had children. Ruchel's friends all thanked her and said, "Mother's Day should be every day. Mrs. Finkelman will do the carpools." Mrs. Finkelman was not able to convince her family that this Mother's Day was a good idea.
Jewish kids started riding bikes on Sundays, and thus we have a whole generation of non-religious Jews.

In 1914 President Woodrow Wilson made it a law. He proclaimed Mother's Day a national holiday. And this is why he is now known as Rabbi Wilson. He deciphered Halacha on behalf of America, and he put together brilliant Responsa.

The discussion of this new law made it to the Rabbis. They had already nixed Thanksgiving in preference of having turkey on Friday night.
Rabbis discussed President Wilson's proclamation. Pilpul began. "Should we?" "Should we not?" Those two questions went back and forth for two and a half hours, before somebody suggested that there should be an attempt at an answer.
Reb Nachum said, "We must honor mothers." To which all of the rabbis said they did. And it turned out, none of them called their mothers that day.
Reb Mendel asked, "But is it truly a holiday? Can we add holidays?" Reb Shmuly answered, "We added Chanukah." To which Reb Mendel explained, "We had nothing to do with that." Many of the rabbis were bothered by Reb Mendel's statement, as they took credit for starting Chanukah in 164 BCE. To quote Reb Shmuly, "I was there. Man."
Reb Nosson said, "But we have to get gifts on Chanukah." Reb Nachum replied, "Then we should buy our mothers gifts." And his Smicha was revoked by the husbands who were present, in fear they would have to buy their wives more jewelry.
After much back and forth amongst the rabbis, as to whether women were important or not, it was decided Dina DMalchuta Dina. The law of the land is the law. To which Reb Baruch said, "My wife's name is Dina." Which had nothing to do with anything.

The rabbis thought to call it Wife Appreciation Day. However, that would definitely require them to buy more jewelry. All rabbis were afraid to support the idea of showing appreciation to their wives, as there is no commandment for them to purchase necklaces, and they saw what happened to Rabbi Nachum. To quote Rabbi Nosson, "I get my wife clothes. That's my requirement. I don't appreciate her. I married her. I am living with her. Ganuck. That's enough." Due to the fact that husbands were making the decision, Wife Appreciation Day never took off. To this day it is still Mother's Day.

Ruchel Heimowitz was not happy with this new law of Mother's Day. Now, her every Sunday turned into once a year. And now, the rest of the year American children yell at their mothers in public, and hit them when they refuse to buy them LEGO.
Yet, on Mother's Day, it is tradition to honor your mother and to allow her time to relax and take a bath. And they can finally go out, one day a year, and talk with their friends not full of filth.

And now, on the second Sunday in May, every year, we celebrate women. And the rest of the year, B"H, we don't have to worry about Kibud Av vEim.
And that is how we have men cooking in homes. H' Yishmor. Gd should guard us.

Lessons of What Followed
Rabbi Nachum was happily married to his wife for seventy-three years. His wife had much jewelry and he was broke the whole time.
From 1914 on, being that President Woodrow Wilson made it a national obligation, Ruchel's kids started taking out the trash once a year.

We finish getting rid of Chametz before Pesach by Bitul, nullifying it and saying it is the dust of the earth. That part does not get your house cleaner. People still see the dirty kitchen. You can't just say, "It's not there. I Bituled it. Nullyfied. Grease on the wall is not there. Bituled. If you see anything, like cookie droppings on the floor, it's dust of the earth." The guests will still notice the dust ball. You can't start telling people, "That Challah over there. That's just dust." It's not a magic trick of "Wallah. Not there anymore. Grape juice stain?! Gone. Don’t even see it. All I see is dust." I've seen some of your homes. Rabbinic cleaning does not suffice for sanitation.
I’m never hiring a rabbi to clean my house again. That was a scam… Whoever came up with this Halacha was trying to get out of helping around the house.

You must search and destroy Chametz. And people think Frum Jews don’t go to war. Put Chametz in front of them. See what happens to the leaven. They will attack. It's a command... It's not a joke. They're using military grade. Get close to oven Shpritz and see what happens.

(Rambam- Hilchot Matzah 7:6-7) We have to lean when eating, to feel like a king. Kings recline. Kings also spill wine and stain their shirts. This is to remember.(Deverim 16:3) “Remember the day you left Mitzrayim.” I am assuming we were leaning a lot on that day, and we needed to find water to clean the clothes that got spilled on. So we remember that by getting grape juice all over our clothes. Midrash Rabbah learns it from (Shemot 13:18) “And H’ led the people roundabout.” Which means they spilled on their shirts all over the desert. Gd found a roundabout way to get us to ruin our clothes. The point of this law is that Gd wanted us to stain our clothes. And thus we lean at the Seder, because kings walked around with wine all over their button-downs.

(Shulchan Aruch OC 261:2) Some say we must add time from weekday to Shabbis, known as Tosefet Shabbat. This gives us more time to eat and get heavier. There is not always enough time to eat a full eight pound brisket over Shabbis proper. Or you can add less. As long as you add some time to Shabbat. The Shulchan Aruch could've started with this. I wouldn't have protested this idea of adding onto a twenty-five-hour day if they started with "you just can't start Shabbat after Shabbat started." The twenty-five-hours is enough adding onto not watching TV. It would be good to know who the rabbis were that said you can do less. They would've had a lot of supporters.
Rama says you can start Shabbat from Plag HaMincha (one and a quarter Halachik hours before sunset). Some people will do anything to get out of work. This is what holy people do. They add onto Shabbat and they don’t work. Because they love H'.

Now that you've cleaned the house and watched The Ten Commandments, and yelled at the kids for helping, it's time to set up for the Seder.
You haven’t slept for a month and thus it’s time to get excited to entertain everybody. So perk up and moisturize your hands for a couple hours. That might help get bring your hands back to normal. You may not be able to get rid of all the cracks the anti-bacterial left in your hand. Some cracks may go deeper than inch. You shouldn't have used the oven cleaner. That was on you.
So, we're ready to set the table for the Seder. Wait. Beforehand. You might still have stuff left in your house after cleaning. Throw it out. After cleaning for Pesach, there should be nothing in your house. Now you're ready.

The Seder Plate
Hopefully you didn't throw out the Seder plate when cleaning the house. Maybe you shouldn't have thrown out everything. I understand, you get involved in the process of throwing everything out. But you need the Seder plate for Pesach. You may not want to throw out your kid's glove with baseball season coming around either. And the fridge. You should've kept the fridge. You should've cleaned it and kept. it.
Make sure you have the Seder plate with the salt water, egg and bone that your mother forgot to take out of the oven. Which is now inedible. The Seder plate is a good place for it. The Seder plate should have inedible stuff on it, so you can ask why it’s burnt. The Seder is all about questions. And why stuff is burnt is a good question. The Seder is not about decent answers, so don't worry about those. Which is another question you should have at the Seder. "Why does nobody have decent answers?"

Matzah for the Seder Plate
Now find three non-broken pieces of Shmurah Matzah. Good luck.
You paid eighty-five dollars for this, and it came broke. Why they ship it is still something that baffles. A question that has never been answered at the Seder. Just a lot of anger. And you will probably break another few Matzahs trying to find a non-broken piece.
Finding not broken Matzah can take hours. It's an extremely hard task. Harder than finding the ten pieces of bread you laid out for Bdikat Chametz.

Put Out the Wine
Make sure you also purchase the cheapest wine you can find, so that your guests walk away from the Seder feeling not very good. Manischewitz and Kedem are perfect. Eliyahu the Prophet likes the Concord grape.
"Why on all other nights do we drink wine that does not make us puke, but on this night do we only drink wine that is hurting my head right now?" Another question that will probably not get answered.
 
Pull Out the Dishes
Make the table nice. It's Seder night. This should start with another fight about who's going to help put out the dishes. Family is involved.
Put out the fine china. It looks good. Pesach is the time you use it. Use it for eight days. The rest of the year, plastic. It's not Pesach.
First find the dishes. This consists of yelling at the kids more, as you forgot where you put them. This should also work as preparation for when you yell at the kids for not being able to figure out how to build the Sukkah, as you forgot to mark the planks again last year.
If you don't pull out the fine dishware, Pesach should be treated like every other holiday, with disposable plates and utensils. Remember, when you have a big family, your last concern is the environment. You're not a good religious Jew if by the end of Pesach the verge by the street is not fully covered by trash.

Make the Charoset
Now that you've finished everything and you're ready for Pesach, there is more.
We prepare the Charoset, to remind us how the Jews were slaves and had to build with applesauce. We do this by creating a mortar which is not sticky and tastes like an excellent thick applesauce nut pudding. How they built pyramids with applesauce is the greatest miracle known to man. And they still stand to this day.
I never felt bad eating Charoset. I never ate Charoset and thought how hard our ancestors had it when they were slaves. If I was able to eat the building material we were renovating my house with, I would be happy. I can't imagine they were complaining about Charoset.

Preparing the Ten Plagues
The plagues should come out at the Seder. Literally. You want to keep the kids entertained, and that means real life plagues, such as red food dye and plastic frogs.
Make sure you also prepare the fake hail for the excitement of the plagues portion of the meal, where you can explain how hail comes in the form of wiffle balls. You can also explain your newfound love for pickleball.
I'm beginning to think that the Seders I have been to have been shams. I'm supposed to feel like I am a slave being redeemed. Though my brother's in-laws do it, I can't imagine the Egyptians were whipping the Jews with scallions. 
I will say, last year's Seder was the most real Seder. My brother truly prepared and his son came to the Seder with lice.

Yell at the Kids More
Setting the table, the whole time you' should be yelling at the kids.

When the Seder comes, for the sake of the family, know where people are sitting. Don't sit the uncles next to each other. We don't need another fight this year.
And be sure to let everybody know that your Shmura Matzah is the best. Because it's thinner or thicker. Either way, yours is the best. Tradition.

The goal before Pesach is to get rid of all Chametz. There is a positive commandment to clear your house of Chametz and to worry about it for a good half a year.
Now that we’ve discussed shpritzes as we did last year, it's time to discuss other methods of cleaning and getting rid of Chametz before Pesach. You must shpritz everything. Nonetheless, there are other aspects of cleaning that might work for you. Here are some of them.

The Worry Technique
You should be worrying about cleaning. The is the first step in cleaning. Worry. This includes daily discussions with your spouse about what you're going to do. The focus should be on what has not been done. In conversation form it is, "What are we going to do?!!!!!"
The first thing you need is time. You need to spend at least three months cleaning for Pesach to do it correctly. And you need to worry. Any moment of non-movement should be of concern. You should've started worrying right after Sukkot. That should give you enough time to plan the vacuuming of the living room.
The Overworry Technique is used by many as a hint that you want to go to a hotel for Pesach and sell your home. Even if that means selling your home at pennies on the dollar, at fifteen dollars.

The Eating Technique
This method of cleaning is good for those who don't like throwing stuff out and don't care about weight. Those who understand that no matter how much they take off, Pesach will add forty pounds. And that's from one box of Matzah.
Eating whatever you can, also helps with ridding your home of past due date items. If you're willing to consume cake from 2019, then now is the time to finish off the Green's Babka. Still tastes amazing. The 2006 mandel bread might've come hard, which is confusing when it's still hard and stale twenty years later. No matter how hard it is, that doesn't make it is kosher for Pesach. Even if it has a Matzah-like texture.
This is also a good chance to find some use for the Mishloach Manot. The Purim gift baskets with lemon wafers and poppy seed Hamentashen that your friends baked by accident. Which somehow ended up by you.
We do suggest to not shpritz your pastries with the lemon shpritz, even if it looks tasty with that lemon on the bottle. We cannot vouch for the Kashrut of toxins.
 
The Children Technique
You had children for a reason. Use them. Use the children to mop the floor. This method of cleaning makes it a family experience, and helps save money. It also goes well with grounding due to Pesach preparation anger.
I'm not saying to flip over a child and scrub. Get them to mop the floor for you. This is a good chance to finally get your unhelpful children to clean. At Jewish schools, they will learn about the importance of getting rid of Chametz and feel a religious obligation. Take advantage of this by telling them stuff is Chametz. You can practice now: "The mantel is Chametz, Dust it." "The chair needs a shine, it is Chametz. Shpritz it for Pesach." "Your room is Chametz. Fold your pants and put them in the drawer. And shpritz them for crying out loud."
I grew up thinking that windows had to be cleaned because there might be Chametz on the glass. I never ate off a sliding glass door, but I felt like I was doing a positive commandment by using blue spray on them. I also mowed the lawn a few times, thinking "grass that is shorter is not considered Chametz." I cut the grass and then sprayed it down.
 
Throw Stuff Out Technique
This includes all the art your kids brought back from school this year. Just tell them it's Chametz. I'm trying to help. It will make you all feel better when you get rid of the paper mache. The drawing of the family is Chametz. The fact that your child views you as a stick is enough of a reason to put it in the Chametz pile.
And the macaroni necklace, disgustingly ugly. Business in these Jewish day schools is down when you have to start making fine jewelry out of pasta. If they made macaroon necklaces, that would be beautiful and Kosher for Pesach.
I used this technique right after I got Mishloach Manot from the Schwartzmans. I took the poppy seed Hamentash and threw it in the trash. Right in front of them. And I told them I also make mistakes.
Don't be afraid to throw stuff out. As a Jew, recycling is not your concern. Mitzvahs are your concern. And there is a Mitzvah to use disposable dishware. At least that's one of the Passover commandments.

Right now, the fact that you're reading this and not cleaning should have you worried. If you're not worrying, you're definitely doing something wrong. And that is, not worrying.
Next time we will discuss the final steps of cleaning, which are properly done with a feather. If you're finished cleaning, you should now be worried you didn't clean enough.

Laws 1-8: This is astronomy. So stop with the very educated mother serving nine pizza pies, and let's learn some Halacha.

Laws 1-3: Rambam talks about the stars and spheres and firmaments and other words that make less sense in English than Hebrew. But we translate it all. Why? You get more Schar, reward, when it's harder to learn. That is astrologically proven by those who are buckets and scales.
There are eight or nine planets. Nine spheres. Let's call it eight, because the ninth one is a sphere that goes around the earth every day. I thought that was a cold. There's always a cold going around.
Something goes around the earth every day, from east to west. It encompasses everything. I have no idea what that is.
The eight spheres with planets have other spheres in them. And that is astronomy. You now understand Gd and astronomy.
It seems like the Rambam would've also considered Pluto a dwarf planet. He just felt that was offensive, so he left it out. Either that, or the telescopes back then were not as good.

Law 4: The earth has one sphere that surrounds it and one which is fixed, that doesn't. The earth did not move back then. Things change. You have to accept that. The fact the Rambam knew that Pluto was a dwarf planet says enough about bigotry in America.

Law 5: This is the science of calculating the seasons and astronomy. And many books about them were written by the wise men of Greece. So, let's not blame the rabbis if any of this is wrong. It was the wise men of Greece. The wise men of Chelm also put out books about astronomy that didn't sell as well in the bookstores of Athens. To quote, "There are balls in the sky and a big round ball that burns you if you get a few kilometers closer to it." That was the extent of the studies put out by the wise men of Chelm.

Laws 6-7: The ninth sphere, whatever that is, has twelve parts, which make up what we know as Mazalot, signs, and discussions that have ruined every date I have ever been on.
The twelve are lamb, ox, twins, crab, lion, virgin, scales, scorpion, bow, goat, bucket, and fish. Now you can date Israeli girls.
We can't see the shapes now, because they've moved since the time of the deluge. That's all you need to know. The flood set in place this crab looking sign, which ruined any chance I have at ever marrying a Sefardi girl.

Law 8: The sun is around 170 times the size of the earth. The earth is bigger than some planets and smaller than others. Now you won't sound like an idiot. Astrologically, you have now reached your ascendant, as Merav expressed on that date in Modiin.

Lesson: And that is how they taught astronomy a thousand years ago. Now you know astrology. You don't have to read these huge textbooks put out by the Greeks nine-hundred years ago to go on a date with a Sefardi girl.
You just have to learn the Rambam. Maybe your educated mother didn't serve that much pizza.
I am happy I was able to educate you on the makeup of the firmament, if that's what it is.

It started when the Jews left Mitzrayim. They were freed from Egypt and stuck in the desert, where they were trying to find Florida. It didn't happen. They ended up in Israel. Not all prayers are answered.
There are many stories of the splitting of the Atlantic Ocean, but they aren't true. H' did not split the Atlantic. Since the Atlantic didn’t split, the Jews did not make it to Florida.

It was at the time that Christopher Columbus came to America, the Jews of Spain were in hiding, trying to find a vacation spot. Columbus landed in the Bahamas. The Jew explorers with him said, "This is too hot. I'm Shvitzing." And they went back to Europe on the next ship to Spain, which took a couple years.

The 1920s and On - The Modern Discoveries
It started with The Mountains. Jews purchased places in The Mountains to get away from New York City. This was a great getaway around an hour and a half from the city. In the '50s the men would drive up to The Mountains, drop their wives off at a bungalow and enjoy their summers in Manhattan. It was hot in New York during the summers, but the men were able to put up with the heat. To quote Max, "As long as I don't have to put up with my wife."
Truth be told, it wasn't that hot. It was a degree or two hotter than The Mountains, but they had to tell their wives something to get them out of the city and away from Saks Fifth Avenue. It was much cheaper to buy a bungalow than a fur at Saks.
Then something called global warming started. Husbands started to realize it was too hot in New York. They started Shvitzing. They were going to work and Shvitzing. They didn't like the idea of work. That took them a while to figure out. So, they started spending more time in The Mountains with their families. And that's when the divorce rate went up.

They had these beautiful homes in New York without air-conditioning or heating, and then winter came. Why they had no heating, I don't know. I do know that a lot of the New Yorkers got so mad, they started banging their walls during the winter, which became a tradition. The cold shocked everybody. To quote Max, "It's cold here." 
The Jews migrated to their bungalows and realized they had no heat their either. And for some reason, it wasn't as hot as it was during the summer. To their chagrin, there was winter in The Mountains too.
What do they do! Conversations were had. One guy thought it made sense to stay in New York, where his job was. He was excommunicated. We don't speak of him anymore. The fool. 
The New Yorkers all started talking, and since then, all New Yorkers talk about is directions. The best way to get places. And they shared directions with each other, and they all went back to New York and there was traffic. The directions were excellent. But there were too many people going with the best route. It caused congestion. And that is how rush hour started.

There was this idea to go down south for heat. To quote Shloimi and Sarale, "We will not pay the gas and electric company those ridiculous prices." So, they bought a place down south to save on heating for the winter. Sarale was very happy to share that they save two hundred dollars on gas and electric that year.
Texas came up as an option. Arkansas came up. Tennessee was on the radar. Arizona was an idea. Even Georgia was suggested. And the New Yorkers all agreed, "That's for Goyim. Jews go to Florida." At that time there were no Jews in Florida. Nobody retired yet. People only started retiring in the 1980s. Before that, people dropped dead in cubicles.
Somehow, Florida was a divine calling. It is said that all Jews were present at Sinai. And it was at Sinai that Gd commanded the Jews to move to Florida. I heard that from my friend in Boca. He didn't want to make Aliyah.
Well. The Jews were cold, and they decided that Florida is the place for them. So they started settling Florida.

And the Jews of New York had homes in The Mountains for when it was warm, and in Florida when it was cold, and they didn't show up to work. Their bosses in New York fired them, and that is how antisemitism started. To quote Max, who didn't show to work for the months of October to April, because he felt a draft, "My boss is an anti-Semite."
And now, everybody takes the best route in Florida. And the I-95 is congested with traffic. And now, when somebody has the choice to move to Israel, they move to Florida. And now there are shuls all over Florida, known as Chabad.

You've learned the history of the Jews leaving Egypt, divorce, rush hour, New Yorkers conversing in the only topic of best routes, antisemitism, and how the I-95 became the one road with traffic jams for six hours.

Lessons of What Followed
A group of Jews, known as Retirees started settling Florida. The locals started calling them occupiers.
Little is known of this sect of Judaism, known as Retirees. However, they seem to sound like New Yorkers and they like silk shirts with flowers. Many of them went to Crown Heights Yeshiva and Stern College. They are loved by a group called grandchildren, when they pay for their trips to Florida, known as the winter pilgrimage.
Many connect this Retiree people with the Sadducees.

Jews moved to Florida, following the sect of the Retirees, started taking up sports like golf and tennis. They were getting beat all the time. Then they invited more of their Jewish friends to move down to Florida, and they became better athletes, based on sheer competition. And this is why we have Jews walking around with pale legs, in shorts. And these Jews are all Shvitzing.

Children should be brought to shul when they know how to behave properly. Which means never. Never bring your kids to shul.
Mishna Berurah 98:3 "Because kids play and dance in shul, and they defame the holiness of the shul, and they also bother people Davening. And also, when they get older, they don't change this bad Minhag (tradition) that they learned when they were kids, to bother everybody and profane the holiness of shul." And now we know why people talk in shul. It's because they used to run around when they were kids.
You should bring them when they reach the age of Chinuch, where they start being able to be educated, which I believe is around thirty. Unless if they're sitting behind me in shul. I don't think there's an age where they don't talk in shul.

(Shulchan Aruch 131:6) We don’t recite the Tachanun on Tu BShvat. That’s true joy. Getting out of Davening. Not having to pray. That’s how a Jew parties. By skipping Tachnun.
 
It’s tradition to eat more fruit on Tu BShvat, to praise Gd for His creation and to walk around with an upset stomach.
 
It appears that excessive abuse of alcohol leads to sin, as seen from Noach... Hence, one should not slam their drink on a table after they finish it.

Last time we learned the history of how alcohol got introduced to Davening itself. But how did it become an exclusive club that was open to everybody.
 
Drinking Out of Shul
How it became a club. This took many years. Some years went by and beer became quite popular.
At first it was a small group leaving services. It was two guys who had a hangover from Friday night Kiddish, and couldn't wait. They would head out of shul and take a swig.
The idea caught on and people went in small groups to leave services, pulling out their flasks, engraved "this is for the holiness of Shabbis," and drinking under a Tallis. This is how whiskey became acceptable for Kiddish. Then the Jews of Russia said, "What about vodka?" In consideration of Jews of different cultures, the rabbis accepted vodka for Kiddish. And then Jews moved to Mexico and tequila was allowed. Then Jews moved to America and the rabbi said, "Coke tastes good. It doesn't have alcohol, but it tastes good. If you have to, why not. Mix it with some Jack Daniels."

Leaving Shul Turns Into a Club
Back to the flask brothers, as they were known. Their parents were Mr. and Mrs. Flask. They thought to form a club, but nobody wanted to share single malt whiskey. It was expensive. One guy brought up Johnnie Walker Red Label and some people started to share. And the group got larger.
Fishel was the one who came up with the idea of a club, but that got a lot of kickback. Clubs in those days focused on sharing and giving to the needy, and there was only so much Johnnie Walker.
There was the freemasonry. But they were into charity. Pre-Kiddish Kiddish, where the routes of the Kiddish Club are found, was greater than charity. Pre-Kiddish Kiddish was about the soul. It was helping people connect to Gd by getting out of shul. Pre-Kiddish Kiddish had a greater calling than charity. Pre-Kiddish Kiddish, as it was known, needed people to pay for the alcohol. Philanthropic schnapps.
They called it a club and said, "All who want to drink, may they come and drink, and bring a bottle of schnapps." And some Jews got it mixed up with Pesach and thought they had to go, as it was a religious obligation. Some showed up forty minutes late, worried a Haggadah was involved in the club. And schnapps started pouring in.
It was amazing to see how much charity people were willing to give when it got them out of shul.

Why After Torah Reading
Jews were leaving shul for Kiddish Club at different times. Some were leaving right after the Brachas. They would show to shul, say the ten blessings and get a drink. Others would head out when the rabbi did too long of an Amidah (silent prayer).
It was in the 1970s, some of the members of the Kiddish Club were at a football game. Before the game, they saw people outside of their cars drinking. They asked what they were doing. The Buffalo Bills fans said they were "pregaming." In order to see OJ Simpson run, you wanted to be buzzed. Some called it tailgating, but that told the Bills fans, "We can drink alcohol, but we can't use our cars on Shabbat."
So, they decided this should happen before Musaf. Thus, the Kiddish club's main ritual is to pregame Musaf. To come into the added Shabbat prayer a bit tipsy. They would show up to shul for Shvi'i, the last Aliyah, and the leave for the Haftorah around three minutes later, for the Kiddish Club, and drink schnapps, including whiskey, bourbon, scotch, vodka, tequila, and gin. Gin also somehow represents a Jewish community somewhere. And then, they would make their way back into shul, ready to talk to Gd and pray.
It was one of these guys that decided to throw up an eight-year-old to lead the end of services. In the drunken state it looked funny to see a little tiny Chazin. Now it's a tradition. And the whole shul loves seeing these little guys performing Anim Zemirot and Adon Olam.

Adding Onto Davening
It got out of hand. Rabbis hated theses Kiddish Club people. They saw these rowdy crowds of drunk men and came up with the idea of an usher to sit at the door, also known as a bouncer. Years later shuls hired security guards and even started locking the doors, to keep put terrorists and members of the Kiddish Club.
Noticing these Kiddish Club philanthropists of alcohol leaving the shul for so long, the rabbis started coming up with creative ways of getting back at them. One rabbi added another forty minutes to Davening. All in their Shema. And this was adopted by rabbis all over America, in order to keep their congregants in shul longer, with drunk people. To add on another half hour, the rabbi came up with this idea of a sermon.
Now Shabbat morning Davening takes three and a half hours. And every member of the shul, not just the people of the Kiddish Club, need a drink when it's over.

Where Is the Kiddish Club Now
The heroes of the Kiddish Club are now drinking somewhere.
In shul, everybody at the Kiddish Club talks about the rabbi. They drink, talk about the rabbi and come into shul buzzed. And they sing their hooligan chants along with the Chazin during Musaf. Also known as Kedusha.

Effects of the Kiddish Club on Society
To this day we are grateful to the pioneers that started the Kiddish Club. They never gave up. These heroes that started the Kiddish Club were judged for leaving services. But they stuck to their scruples and stayed away from the Haftorah. And this is why the Kiddish Club lasts and tipsy people are in shul.
And we have the Chazin to thank. Without the Chazin, people would’ve never wanted to leave shul.
Thanks to the Kiddish Club and the mark it's left, Tishes have also become popular. Where people drink to become closer to Gd and get away from their wives.

One innovative rabbi in The Five Towns (a place made for only Jews- nonJews live in places like Lawrence, Cedarhurst, and Woodmere) said, "Let's make the Minyin a Kiddish Club." And nobody showed for Kiddish Club.
 
Next time we will discuss the involvement of people known as “mothers” who have been trying to ruin something good, such as the Kiddish Club, with statements such as “we don’t think it’s good for our children to be around drunk people.” But that fringe group known as mothers has been silenced in recent years, in favor of other very loud groups known as guys who want to drink.

The Kiddish Club is where people leave Davening in the middle of shul and go for a drink. The Kiddish Club was not started in Biblical times. Though many consider it Halacha to get out of shul for the Haftorah and not come back, leaving shul to get tipsy is not Jewish law.

When the Jews left Egypt they had an I Am Thirsty Club. However, once they made it to Israel and found the Jordan River, Jews found ways of quenching their thirst. Nonetheless, when the concept of having to sit with your family for a whole Friday night meal was presented as an important way to celebrate Shabbat, the rabbis instituted Kiddish at the meal. And they said Kiddish has to be made on wine. This helped keep Shalom Bayit, peace in the house, helping dads somehow find the annoyance of their children amusing.
Then came Shabbat day, and the rabbis said, "These dads need a drink now too. Kiddish has to be made at the Shabbat meal during the day as well. And when you have another meal in another place, make another Kiddish." Some religious Jews were making up to fifteen Kiddishes, finding new spots to eat. Park benches all over Eastern Europe were full of empty bottle of Manischewitz. Some made it a tradition to visit multiple friends on Shabbat, just to make more Kiddishes. People became friends with random neighbors when they ran out of wine. 
The going to people's homes for Kiddish became a quite popular tradition in the 1300s when people realized that they didn't have to pay for Kiddishes at people's homes. This lead to another tradition, known as Sukkah hopping and not buying your own food for the Sukkot holiday.
Shul boards were trying to figure out how they could help their communities. In the year 424CE, it was unanimously decided that a Kiddish must be provided after services. And the Jews of the exile started showing up to shul at the end of Musaf.

Leaving Services for a Drink
The concept of leaving services for alcohol began in the 1800s. Before that, they had a Shliach Tzibur, a messenger of the congregation, leading the Davening. Once we started calling the person leading the services a Chazan, people felt the need to drink alcohol.
It took the rabbis years to get people to show up on time for Minyin, even though there was no Kiddish till the end of services. Finally, people started showing up on time. It was the lack of cable TV in the homes. It happened in around the year 1306CE, give or take. People would show up and push through the prayers till Davening ended, when all would fold their Tallises in joy and run to Kiddish.
For years, people tried pushing through two and a half hours of Davening on a Saturday morning with this new person leading services that they were calling the Chazan. They could never figure out how to do it. Though they were constantly angry at what they called "The Chazin" or "This Guy Who Makes Me Angry with Song."
To quote Moishie, the first member of the Kiddish Club (which was at that time known as "Moishie going out for a drink"), "I need a drink." His rabbi argued with him that it wasn't a Halacha. But then Moishie said, "Did you hear the Chazin?!" And his rabbi left the shul and had a drink with him, and declared, this should be Jewish law.

A Tradition Begins
So, they started having drinks in the middle of Davening. Middle of Torah reading a guy named Menachem Shloimy stood up and said "LChaim" and passed around drinks during Shlishi. He would walk around the shul with shot glasses and whiskey, and say "LChaim" in the middle of Torah reading. He was corrected when the Gabai told him, "The proper response to a Bracha is 'Amen.'" To which Menachem Shloimy said the Bracha on wine. To which the rest of the congregants, said "LChaim."
A Halacha class was given by the rabbi and they learned that you first say "Amen" to the blessing. Then after you drink, you say "LChaim," to dedicate your drunken state to Chaim. He was a guy in Menachem Shloimy's shul that everybody liked. And to this day, people dedicate their drinking to him.

Moving the Drinking Out of Shul
Some people didn't care for the idea of drinking in shul, in the middle of prayers. In the early 1800s, these people were known as losers. The losers, also known as people who love Gd and believe in sanctification of prayer, proclaimed that drinking should be done after shul. There were others who argued drinking in shul was wrong as the Chazan interrupted their enjoyment of the alcohol. They proposed to leave shul, and they were loved.
Upon hearing this idea of not drinking in shul, it was the Gaon Reb Yankel Simchi who said, "Kiddish. We drink during Kiddish." To which Pinchas said, "But Kiddish is after Davening."
After much discussion it was decided by the Gaon Reb Yankel Simchi, "We shall have Kiddish before Kiddish." Pinchas The Loser asked, "What does that consist of?" To which Reb Yankel said, "Drinking." And he was the most loved rabbi in all of Lithuania.
Thus came about the creation of schnapps.

You asked me about the celebration of Tu BShvat and thus I shall answer. If you're not a Frum Jew, you should celebrate Tu BShvat and find joy in nature. If you're a Frum Jew, learn Torah to celebrate nature. Tu BShvat is the New Year of Trees, and thus a Jew must celebrate. And thus a Jew must find joy. And thus a Jew eats stuff.
Here are things you must do to bring joy to the New Year of Trees.

No Tachanun is Said on Tu BShvat
The Shulchan Aruch (131:6) teaches that we don't say the Tachanun prayer on Tu BShvat because of the joy of trees that we as people connect to. Not reciting Tachanun is the greatest joy you can give a Jew. To quote the Pasuk (Devarim 20:19), "For man is like the tree of the field." Trees also don't say Tachnun.
The joy of getting out of shul a minute early is one of elation. Imagine how much joy a Frum Jew would get out of another ten minutes of not being in shul. For this reason, many of adopted the Tu BShvat tradition of showing up to shul late. Many very religious Jews sleep through Davening. They make it a point of not going to shul after Tu BShvat as well. That is how committed they are to the requirement of Tu BShvat joy.

Eat Dried Fruit
Man is like a tree, and hence the joy. Trees are very joyful. That is the message of Tu BShvat. Like a tree bears fruit, so too man eats it. Taking is the natural way of relationships, we take from the tree. And give the tree nothing. Just like family. Again, the holiday is about meaning.
And like old dried fruit, old people wither and become shriveled. Sometimes, when fruit comes out of a pool, it also shrivels. Thus, we eat dried dates and apricots, which look like old people. Apricots are preferred because they look like old people with a really bad spray tan.
To truly enjoy Tu BShvat, climb people. It brings an element of fun to the holiday.

Sulfor Dioxide
Sulfor dioxide is an important part of the Tu BShvat food, allowing it to stay in you. You want the holiday to last. And SO2 ensures that.
Sulfur dioxide is also an important part of the Israeli diet, along with people's hands reaching into the nuts that I'm about to purchase.

Why Nuts
It's tradition to eat nuts on Tu BShvat. I heard they come from trees. I'll go with it.
Almonds in Israel are just amazing. Hence, we eat them. Tradition. I don't know if that is in the Shulchan Aruch.

The Tu Bshvat Seder Brings Joy
Pesach isn't the only Seder. People also like to drink wine on Tu BShvat. Hence the Seder, to justify being a lush around religious people.
Keep the Seder quick. If it is long, people will start to get flashbacks to Tachnun. Also keep in mind the fruit and almonds. A long Seder will ruin the joy, as the dried fruit starts to settle and causes heartburn. Once Shilshul sets in, the joy of the Seder is over.

Tradition of Puns
Fruit puns are amazing. Almost as amazing as almonds. The date joke is just too good to resist. Date puns about dates are amazing fun. Turn to a single person and say, "Here is a date, so you can get a date." Always brings joy and laughs.
The puns remind us of the Simanim on Rosh Hashana. With all the Rosh Hashana fruit puns, I feel like the New Year is another New Year for trees, celebrating puns twice. Wait, another fruit pun... "What do you call an ant that wants their whole family to be at the wedding? A cantaloupe!" Just came up with that one. You get it? Antelope. This one can't. Hence, cantaloupe, which is a fruit. The ant can't elope. It's a religious ant. Just adding more joy to the Tu BShvat Seder.
Nuts also make for great puns. Such as, "You're a nut." That pun can go on for a good half hour of laughs at the Seder.
Puns bring Tu BShvat joy to fathers who come up with them, and people who can't find joy in monologues.

I hope all of this helps bring joy to your Tu BShvat, as you now understand the importance of dried fruit and nuts for Jewish celebration. Joy is found in eating. We have tried finding joy outside of food for millennia. Nothing works, other than food, dried fruit puns, skipping prayers and climbing people. Joy has yet to be found in one's children. Nachis is a farce. And remember, nothing brings more joy than going to the Shuk taking dried fruit, and not paying for it.

Many Poskim consider snowball making Asur on Shabbis for reasons of building or crushing. And injury that will happen to you if you hit me with one on Shabbis... A lot of anger goes into the formation of Halacha. This is how the modern Posek renders Jewish law. That’s how I learned it.
 
Some say that even on minor fast days, a Baal Nefesh should start the fast the night before. Those rabbis lost their jobs.

Yad Soledet Bo is anywhere from 110 to 180 degrees Fahrenheit. How they found out what burns the hand at 180 degrees... And people say religious Jews aren’t brave.

(Kitzur Shulchan Aruch 1:1) When you wake up, the first thing you should do is place Gd in front of you. You’ll act differently when you place the King of all kings in front of you. If you were doing this right, you'd be sleeping in a suit. Possibly a cloak Maybe a tunic, out of respect. But you're a heretic… This law is not meant for idolaters. Placing little Ken and Barbie dolls in front of your bed defeats the purpose here and it's awkward, even if they are expensive. Even placing a bunch of moisturizers or shoes in front of you, when you wake up, is wrong. The only thing that makes sense is to place Gd in front of you. Anything else, and there's a good chance you'll trip. You might even hurt your feet, especially if you place Lego in front of you.

Laws 11-12: You will never get it.

This stuff of mysticism and understanding H’ and what happens after death should only be taught to one person. This is known as the Doings of the Chariot (Ma'aseh Merkavah in Yechezkel). Right there. I think that's all you need to know. What the Ma'aseh Merkavah is, is not relevant. The extent of your knowledge is knowing that there is something called the Ma'aseh Merkavah. We can now move on.

The person you teach this secret deep stuff to has to be a wise person. And you share very little with him at first. You start with little secrets like, "I'm going on a trip to Florida." Test them, before the real secrets, like how you're telling the boss that your sick. You don't want to share this stuff with tattletales.
We all know what problems happen when you start getting too mystical in public. People start believing and those people are weird.
I've never met a crazy person who didn’t like mysticism. It's a good thing that somebody has to have some knowledge first. It helps stop homelessness.
If it wasn't for this fence of only teaching it to one person who's wise, too many people would be "connecting with Gd." We would have a lot more people closing their eyes during Davening. The rabbis were trying to limit the number of people with eye closing Kavanah (intent) in shul. Davening would take way too long.

They're deep concepts and not everybody has the knowledge to comprehend them. Which means, not you. You have no idea what you're reading right now.
Shlomo Hamelech describes this knowledge as (Mishlei 27:26) "Lambs for your clothing." Lambs also means secrets. Such as secrets that are only for certain people. Not you. Just wanted you to know you're getting left out.
In Mishlei 5:17, Shlomo HaMelech teaches, "They shall be for you and not for others with you." Shlomo could've just said this one and left out the one from chapter twenty-seven,  but everybody understands this one. Hence, he had to use the metaphor of the lamb, so that you wouldn't understand that you can't understand it either.

Shir Hashirim teaches (4:11) "Like milk and honey under your tongue." I have no idea what that means either. Which is the way it should be.

Hopefully, next chapter will be something we can understand, and teach. I am sorry we taught you this. You shouldn't be learning what you were just taught.
We appreciate the Rambam starting Mishna Torah with two chapters of stuff we are too dumb to get.
Now I know it's not just my teachers that thought I was an idiot. If they thought I was smart, they would've taught me Ma'aseh Merkavah in third grade. Instead, they were trying real hard to get me to multiply with Popsicle sticks, and to read Rashi script correctly. They knew I was an idiot, and I would never understand what lambs clothing really means. I always thought it meant wool. Not a smart one.

Let us speak of the fast days, also known as the days of projected hunger.
Last time we discussed gorging before and after the fast. There is more to fast day survival than eating as much as you can. Though, that is what the rabbis had in mind when instituting the fast days for the destruction of Jerusalem. It’s amazing how you can still be hungry when you’ve eaten twelve pounds of whitefish. 
Today, Asarah BTevet, when the siege of Jerusalem by the Babylonians began, it's important we focus on sleeping, just as many of the soldiers were doing at that time. I'm just here to help.

Sleep Through The Fast Day Method
I don’t know what you are trying to achieve. During the fast, I am hoping to achieve survival. And that means not going hungry. The best way to do that is to sleep. We learn this from bears who make it through the winter, refreshed and unscathed. Hence, use the day to sleep to connect with the Destruction of the Temple. The Sleep Through the Day Method of fasting is known by many as the Reason I Lost My Job Method. Thank Gd, I have a new job.
You can still go to shul. You wake up at 7am, go to shul and mourn a little, home by 8:15am, sleep until 4:15pm and then it’s time to eat. Please be aware that the Sleep Through the Day Method of fasting can be very dangerous if applied elsewhere. If you practice this every day, you will definitely lose your job. Based on first hand experience. You will also lose your home. You will lose your family.
Issues with the Sleep Through the Day Method are that your spouse may ask you to take out the trash. They may even have the Chutzpah to ask you to help with the kids. Make it clear, you're fasting for holy reasons and you have to sleep to focus on the siege.
 
Focus of The Day
On a fast day, you must focus on what's important. And that is to figure out when the fast is over, so you can eat. Nonetheless, as you fast, sleep is paramount.
The goal of most fast days is to have you thinking about the community's sins and your own. You’re better off sleeping through that. The community has bothered you enough. You don’t want to be asked to join another committee. If you think the Kiddush committee meets too often, imagine how many meetings you will have to attend for the rebuilding of the Temple.
One of the major reasons for the destruction of the Second Temple is baseless hatred, which comes along with speaking bad about others, known as Lashon Hara. If you're sleeping, there is no way you will be speaking any slander. The people who were sleeping while the destruction was happening were not the reason for the siege of Jerusalem.
If you talk in your sleep, on the other hand, you may be the reason why we have not witnessed the rebuilding of the Temple.

How To Sleep Through The Fast
It's not easy to sleep another eight hours. You must be resilient. Not everything in life comes easy. You need drive. Push yourself.
Being the Tenth of Tevet is a daytime only fast, I say you stay up all night watching action flicks, such as Bloodsport. Entertaining, yet bloody, to remind you of the fighting the Jews had to do. A holy movie to say the least.
Daytime TV is hard to work with for any decent fast day entertainment.
If you're having trouble falling asleep daytime TV can help with that. Play some Kelly Ripa and you'll be inspire you to go back to bed.
Definitely do not get caught thinking about why the Temples were destroyed. That will keep you up all day. Next thing you know, you will start repenting and you've lost a good day's sleep. Not how you want to spend the fast.

Next time we will focus on other methods to make it through the fast, such as the Plan Your Sickness so You Can Eat According to the Rabbis and the IV Method for making it through the days of projected hunger.

Laws 9-10: H’ knows. Because He is Truth. No. You can't handle the Truth.

Law 9: Since Gd knows Himself, His greatness and His beauty. He knows all creation. He even knows what you're thinking. Which is, "I don't want to go to work tomorrow."
Nothing is hidden from Gd, which is why it's easy to blame Him. H' knows from the first formed stuff to the mosquito. And yet He still lets them bite you.

Law 10: H’ knows this truth as Himself.  As such, He knows all creation as Himself. He doesn’t view anything as outside of Him. H' sees it all through Oneness. Within. And you have the Chutzpah to have an ego. Everything revolves around you and you being the one that gets all the good meat out the Choolante pot. That's how I define a selfish egotistical person. Anybody who's scooping out all the good meat and Kishka from the Choolante. I couldn't come up with a better definition than that. I figured selfish Choolante scoopers would talk to everybody.
We see everything outside ourselves. I barely know myself. I'm still trying to figure out the placement of the different hairs on my arm and why they're there. The stuff coming out of the nose is not pleasant and I'm trying to distance myself from it. It's good to know it's outside of myself. I don't want to associate myself with this bald guy with nose hair.

If anything was outside of H', that would mean there's other gods. And that would make Davening a lot longer.
The lives are people are two. Confusing. Yes. It's confusing.
By man it says Chayei, "By the life of your soul." By H' it says Chai, "H’ lives" (Shmuel I 25:26). H' just is. One. It's not plural by H'. By us, it's two. It could be translated "lives of your soul." That's at least how I translate it.
You have no right to get all high on yourself, scooping out the Choolante, when there are others outside of you too. H' just is. It's not being high on Himself. If I could explain it, I would be arguing with the Rambam's point that we can't explain it. Which is why the Rambam spends all of this time explaining it.
He is knowledge. And we still spend all that money on college. That's the crazy thing here.

Since there is nothing outside of Gd, He knows everything because He knows Himself. And everything else is dependent on Him. We're not talking about you father-in-law paying for everything. We're not talking about you not getting a job, telling your father-in-law that Gd will provide. We're not talking about your father-in-law now thinking he's Gd. You like how I worked that?!
He is the Foundation. The First. Ever sing "Chad Gadya"? I love that song. Just wanted you to know. Great song. Great way to end a Seder.

Lesson: Mosquito bites are for oneness with H'.

Speaking Lashon Hara is like ripping a pillow open and letting feathers fly all over. You don’t know where they all go. You can't collect them... Teaching that you can't repent for Lashon Hara by littering. Ripping up pillows and throwing trash on the street does not stop Lashon Hara from spreading.
 
(Devarim 24:5) First year of marriage man must be there for his wife to delight her. Then reality sets in. She’s happy when he’s gone.
“When a man takes a new wife, he shall not go out in the army.” After the first year, he goes out to battle. It’s better than fighting in the home. Which happens after the first year.
 
(Shabbat 21a) Lighting Chanukah candles is until people finish walking home from the Shuk. Which nowadays is 3am Thursday night... That’s when the parties finish in the Shuk on Thursday nights- you get it.
 
People wanted to know when Chanukah candles are lit. You light them on Chanukah. The fact we have to explain this. You don't light them on Sukkot. I can keep going with this joke...
You should light them from nightfall. If it's Shabbat, you light the Chanukah candles before the Shabbat candles. The Chanukah miracle is not greater than the miracle of Salatim on Challah. Olive oil poured on Chumus Yerushalmi is more miraculous.

Make your Chanukah more meaningful with song. Inherently educational, here are some of the newer Chanukah songs for you, and some explanation to bring that extra meaning and joy to your holiday, when the gifts don't pan out and you end up getting knitted socks.
We will stay away from the Hallel and Al HaNisim, as those are the songs we were initially expected to sing when the rabbis implemented the holiday. Which means most Jews don't know them anyways.

Chanukah Oh Chanukah
"Chanukah Oh Chanuka come Light the Menorah." Love the song, because it tells you what to do. Some Jews forget to light the Chanukiah (Chanukah Menorah). They start singing the song, and they're thinking, "I have to light the Menorah.  We should play Dreidel and eat Latkes." And then they start dancing the Horah around the table.
It might be awkward to dance around the table, but if you're going to dance around the table as a Jew, it should be the Horah. It's more meaningful than doing the Bachata around Sufganiot. Bachating doesn't bring the Jewish meaning to the holiday.

Educational Songs
"I Had a Little Dreidel I Made it Out of Clay." Amazing and educational. Before this song people were making Dreidels out of hay. Hay doesn't spin.
Many have asked why they weren't making the Dreidels out of cloth. That's because cloth doesn't rhyme with play.
"Svivon" is a great song. Svivon is a Dreidel in Hebrew. It goes around, so you turn around. The dance mimicking the Dreidel movement to exemplify the song, Amazing. If you see children spinning around on Chanukah, it's only because they're connecting with the Chag.
"Chanukah Chag Yafe Kol Kach." Chanukah is a beautiful holiday. Sometimes I forget Chanukah is a beautiful holiday. I take the snow for granted and call it joyous.
I'm a big fan of the Hebrew songs. I feel more connected to the Maccabees when I sing in Hebrew. I know they weren't singing "I Had a Little Dreidel" in 163BCE. They were definitely singing "Svivon Sov Sov Sov. Chanukah Hoo Chag Tov." The Dreidel goes around. It's a great holiday. Just a factual song. No need for explanation.
If Hebrew is hard, I suggest you NayNay these Hebrew songs and call it a day. There's no reason to learn a whole language for a couple of songs. Chassidim for centuries have refused to learn Hebrew, opting for the lyrics of NayNayNay.

Xmas Songs
If it wasn't for Christmas, how would Jews enjoy Chanukah.
There is always the Xmas songs. The radio plays them for Chanukah. Written by Jews, the Xmas truly bring out the holiday feeling, capturing the feeling of snow. Not something they captured when writing the "Hallel" and "Svivon Sov Sov.”

Don't Learn Laws From Songs
Be wary when singing songs. If you want to truly practice Chanukah correctly, you should learn the Code of Jewish Law, and read a cookbook. If you want to bake a Dreidel correctly, I don't know if "I Had a Little Dreidel I Made it Out of Clay" is enough direction.
I'm a big fan of the English songs, as I also went to Jewish Day School. However, songs like "Chanukah Oh Chanuka come Light the Menorah" can be misleading. Great song, but the end of it isn't good education. Poor Chinuch. The line, "We light one for each night," is very misleading. You light six on the sixth night. Seven, including the Shamis (the middle light, there for use- we can discuss this next time, my pupil). We have many generations of illiterate Jews due to songs like this. You light one for each night if it is a Yahrzheit (the commemoration of somebody's death), and Yahrzheits candles should only be used as shot glasses, according to tradition.
You light the amount for each night plus the Shamis. The song should go, "We light one on the first night, with the Shamis we lit… 4 on the fourth night, plus the Shamis we lit… 8 on the eighth night… And that is because we light like Jews. Oh Chanukah… Come light the proper way like Jews should, the menorah. We will dance other dances that or more Jewish than the Horah..." And then the song should end "Yiddel Dydel Dumb" because that makes it a Jewish song. Maybe add in some Oy Oys and NayNays. Jews don't add Ho Hos. And neither do Christmas songs that are written by Jews.

There are many more classic Chanukah songs that weren’t written by Adam Sandler. Nonetheless, they are also meaningful. The only issue is they're not on the radio.
For true Chanukah meaning, check out songs in other languages as well. There are always beautiful Yiddish songs about lighting candles and pogroms.
Next year, we’ll focus on more Chanukah songs of the religious nature, like “Haneirot Hallalu,” “Maoz Tzur” and “I’m A Latke and I’m Waiting for Chanukah to Come.” Which truly captures the holiday spirit. We are all Latkes.

Visiting the sick takes away 1/60th of their pain (Nedarim 39b). That’s how little it helps. The annoyance of you being there, they feel the 59/60th. They feel that a lot.

(Ketuvot 10b) One should live in Israel, even in a city full of heathens. This is why I’m a supporter of Tel Aviv. Point the rabbis were making is that anything is better than New York... And all of the sudden they're offended. Even with my support. And every American is asking, "What about Teaneck?"
 
You have to pay a Shadchan if the match works out. The rate is $1K, $1.5K, or $12K if you ask the matchmaker.

(Rambam- Avoda Zara 5:7) A false prophet who commands something Gd did not must be put to death (Devarim 18:20), even if he didn’t add to or diminish from the Mitzvot. Lesson: Don’t share new ideas, even if Gd told you. Don’t fall for that, or you will die.
And this is why I don’t share Chidushim. You will never hear an inspired novel Torah thought from me, because I don’t want to die through strangulation for an idea.

Mahmoud Abbas was educated at the University of Damascus. Studied law where he learned the legal right to create history.
Fatah has spent time under Abbas ensuring that they have a history, and I support that. It's not an easy task, and Abbas has taken it on. Much respect.
Abbas has taught that Big Ben was stolen from Palestine. A well-known fact, the clock was placed at Westminster Palace in 1858, after being stolen from Hebron in 1922. He has also empowered his people with knowledge of the Israeli aggressors, who use sharks to attack Gaza. The violent aggressors who trained wild pigs to destroy their fields in the settlements, Israelis also train rats to only bite Arabs. Which, if I may say is the greatest act of modern-day warfare.

I am here to help with more "Palestinian History" and propaganda about the "Israeli Aggressors."
The PLO has done a brilliant job of creating a history that did not exist. Let's help with more history for the Palestinians and their heritage of discovering the Western World.

More Palestinian History You Didn't Know
The Statue of Liberty was made by Palestinians in the year 1304 CE. They delivered it to Jaffa. Then the Americans stole it.

The Arabs built up Tel Aviv from nothing. Then Israelis stole the hotels. The huge breakfast served at Israeli hotels is Arab heritage, known as the Adhan.
It turns out that Israelis stole Mezuzahs from the Muezzin. Mezuzahs are a small Muezzin.

In 1492 Saleem sailed the ocean blue and discovered America. His ships. The Nina, the Pinta and the Santa Maria, were built in Gaza. And they traveled from the Mediterranean Sea. They first discovered Cyprus. And then America. Not many people know that Cyprus was first discovered in 1492.

The Palestinian people colonized many countries. A history they are very proud of.
The first colonizers of South Africa were Palestinians. Very light-skinned Palestinians.

Waterloo. That was them. Arafat led the charge.

Astrodome. Their idea. They built it.

Byzantine Empire was the Palestinian people's. Byzantine is ancient Greek for Palestinian.

Arafat received the Torah at Mount Sinai, and then took it to Lebanon when the Hashemite Kingdom rejected it. Another piece of Palestinian history we are very proud of.

Queen Esther was a Palestinian girl named Fahid. Her uncle, Mordechai, was really Mamoosh. The Jews stole that story from Mahmoud Abbas. He can prove that.

I left out much of the Palestinian historical facts, such as their building of the Great Wall of China. Which was first known as the Great Wall of Gaza. Which the Chinese stole, brick by brick, in the year 9,427 BCE, around 67.995 million years after the Palestinians first claimed autonomy to their homeland in Uzbekistan, which is modern day Israel.

Palestinian Facts of Israeli Aggressors
The Palestinians are the strongest nation, since the dawn of time. As early as sixty-eight million years ago, when Farid rode a stegosaurus rex to the Temple in Jericho on a motorcycle, Palestinians were already conquering the world. Yet. They have to deal with the Israeli aggressors. Too much aggression.
To note. Palestinians created choppers and that was stolen too. By Israelis.

Israelis have trained chickens to give salmonella poisoning to the people of Ramallah only.

The Jews use the Purim packages, known as Mishloach Manot, to transport thimble sized alcohol that can blow up Arabs. But they give it to Jews, and it doesn’t blow up. Go figure how the Israeli aggressors work.

Israelis birthed around 175k kids in 2024, so they will have more soldiers to fight in the war. The first word of an Israeli child is "I am a colonizer." And then the babies train pacifiers to pass on poison to Arab babies. The poison pacifiers make sure to only sell themselves to Arab Muslim kids.
Shark Tank is a ploy to overtake Palestinian Villages the settlements, known by the colonizers as the West Bank. Jordan is run by Jews.

Palestine was an autonomous state with its own people. Sixty-eight million years of autonomy till the Jews claimed falafel and shwarma as theirs.

The Israelis are not the Israelis. I believe Abbas did say this.
The real Israelis are the people living in Manila. Very bothersome, as the people living in the Philippines are truly the aggressors here. And that is Palestinian history and how they dealt with the Israeli aggressors.
I hope this all makes sense.

Last fact of Israeli aggressors: Jews implanted explosives in pagers to blow up members of Hezbollah. Now it all makes sense. Abbas' is definitely right about the sharks.

Conclusion
To learn more about Palestinian history, I would suggest purchasing a book. I saw a history book selling on Amazon. It was empty. Pages were blank, expressing the rich and honest history of the Palestinian people and their ancestors.

How did they do it? How did the Conversos fool the Spaniards?
Conversos are also called Crypto-Jews, but I wouldn’t suggest investing in them. Crypto means hidden or "a friend told me I could make a lot of money if I listen to him." We will not use Marranos, as that is now offensive, as is anytime I call somebody by something I used to know them. Phil is offended when I call him Phil. I used to call him Phil, now that offends him. So, I call him Crypto-Mark. To answer your question, the Spanish people were not very smart, so hiding their Judaism wasn’t very hard. Here is how they fooled them. Here is what they told the Inquisitors.

Mezuzahs
It just got stuck there on the doorpost. It's a windchime that got stuck.
How they got all over the house, is an excellent question. We built one room at a time, so each room you see was at one point the room leading out of the house. A lot of windchimes.
The new windchimes from Bernaldo's Home and Repair?! Well. The house developed goiters. Some came out in interesting shapes, so we carved a Magen David into them. Jewish stars just look nice. We like the pattern.

Tefillin
Messed up belts. The buckles got too big. Turned into huge boxes. I thought one would look cool on the head. Right?! I know it looks kind of cool. Style-arte if you will. It's a fashion thing I'm trying.

Yarmulke
No. It's not a Kippah. It's a hat without a visor. Sometimes, you don't need that stuff popping out around the head, keeping out the sun. You just need the top. My family balds real fast. It stops the sunburn up there.
And how do you know what a Kippah is?! (that will stop the Inquisitors from asking more questions)

Shofar
This is part of the horns section. We thought a trumpet, then we said we like this sound. Can only do this note, but that's the note we want.
We like these three specific sounds with it. The one blast. The three short blasts. The seven quick blasts. That's the kind of music we like. 
Yeah. We were playing it for a day or two in Septembe. Then we get board of it.

Chanukiah
It's not a Menorah. It's a lamp. A candelabra with eight stems, and then one in the middle. The middle one is a little higher for decoratory purposes.
Check out the oil we use. Yeah. We like to keep around eight days' worth. 

Jewish Art
It's just the look. It's the look we like. It's that ancient Temple look with people in sackcloth. Love the dichotomy.
No. That's Arabic letters written on top of the ark.

Tzedakah
We like putting our charity in a tiny box, with a slit. We make sure to never give more than a nickel at a time. It's our family tradition to be cheap. 
It's a piggy bank. Yeah. That's what it is. A piggy bank. A charity pig. We save money for others. 

Torah Scroll
No. That's just more enjoyable. Ever try reading off a scroll? It makes you feel like royalty.
A scroll with Arabic that was dedicated by the Schwartz family. Yeah. That's why the cloth covers it. They dedicated it to our house in honor of their grandparents.
Why are we yelling at the guy reading it?! We're all his teachers. One student and a lot of teachers teaching this guy how to read Arabic off a scroll correctly. More teachers is more affective.
​
They were so good at fooling Inquisitors that many decedents of Crypto-Jews don't even know they have Jewish ancestry. They have a nice book with five books in it that Papa used to like to read every Saturday morning. Then they have that family tradition of having a huge last supper every year, with big crackers and four cups of wine. A family tradition to get the little ones drunk and asking questions about the famous family saltwater recipe. Then they have the fancy food cubbies for three flat round tortillas that their grandparents liked to use around springtime. 
And that is how Bitcoin started.

Law 4-8: There are Malachim and then there is you, and you know nothing.

Law 4: Everything in Tanach about Gd being a fire (Devarim 4:24), etc., it's all metaphor. Gd is not a fire. Please keep that in mind when cooking. You're not sticking a frankfurter in Gd.
Many are right now questioning their faith, as they thought Gd was a fire. An aspect of Gd could be in the fire. He could not be fire. He's definitely more than that. Maybe an aspect of H' is connected to it somehow. I don't know if Rambam would agree with anything I wrote there. I can tell you that Gd is not a fire.
The Torah isn't lying. Metaphors are not lies, once you know they’re a metaphor. I'm just happy the Rambam told us.

Law 5-6: There are different kinds of creations. One of them is my cousin.
​Man is physical and can therefore not understand H.' So, we spend our lives trying to understand H.'
Every creation, though, comes from the strength of His truth. The truth is that you are annoying. Even so, you are still a creation. As messed up as something may seem, it is a creation of Gd’s. Thin Tahini. The thick stuff is so much better. There's a H's truth right there.
Everything exists through the power of H' and His goodness. Each thing is spiritually higher or lower than the next. There is someone better than you. The Ramabm has a way of rubbing it in.

Law 7: From the non-physical creatures, Malachim, there are those that are in a higher realm than others. Even they're competing.
Lowest level of angels is 'Ishim' because they are close to man. They are the ones that communicate with prophets. That's how low they are. They have to deal with people. It's like a curse of being the lowest in the angel realm. And they’re dealing with prophets.
So, us regular people have no connection with the Malachim, which kind of kills the friendship I was hoping to foster with the ones in the middle realms. I figure that they want some contact with somebody too.
Could you imagine if they had to deal with the members of my shul. Those are the angels they’re picking on. The ones they're hazing. “Look at you, having to talk Pinchas down from attacking the Gabai. Maybe you can cry over not getting the ark opening job at shul. Seems to be a big worry. I’m going to be up here riding Gd’s chariot. Basking in Glory.”

Law  8: Malachim, angels, can understand H' better than us. But we still have to try to feel important. So, we talk about politics and sports.
Even the highest angels can't grasp H.' I hope you are catching on here. You have no chance, so learn Torah.
No one can know H' like He knows Himself. Most people don't even know who they are. I can tell you who they are, and I am not an angel. They are annoying.

Lesson:
What's the point. You will never know.
This is the least inspirational learning I have done. Even so, I feel closer to H' now.

Rambam (Hilchot Yom Tov 6:18)  'One who locks the doors to his house and only eats and drinks with his kids and his wife, doesn't have the happiness of Yom Tov, but rather happiness of his stomach.' That sounds like good holiday happiness to me. I'm happy when I'm eating some decent blintzes... The Rambam might be saying it's a bad thing. The idea is that people should be able to break into your home while you're having dinner with the children.
I can tell you that being around the kids and the wife does not bring happiness. You need guests to offset having to deal with them.
 
Each Shofar blast must be fully heard. Thus, the congregation must be completely silent. This isn’t going to happen.

Tradition is to whack the Aravot on the ground on Hoshana Rabbah (Sukkah 44b), and then to leave them there. Leaving your mess and other trash in shul at the end of Sukkot works as a positive omen that somebody else will have to clean it up.

(Rambam M’ Sanhedrin 10:1,1) Due to their lack of understanding, to get kids to learn you say, ‘Read and I’ll give you nuts and dates... honey.’ I liken Reese's peanut butter cups to dates. Same health benefits… The Rambam also mentions honey. I’m not a fan of that whole putting it on the Torah. My rabbi put it on the first letter of the Torah and had me lick it. I had a 'Bet' stuck to me tongue for half a year. He then put it on my Chumash, to make it sweet, I could never get those pages apart. He destroyed many Sefarim with the honey.