How to Be Holy and Noticed in Shul: A Beginners Guide

by Rabbi David

The bend in the upper back, very pious posture. That's a good holy look.

The true goal of any Jew going to shul is to be noticed. Last week we focused on the Loud Method of being noticed in shul. This week we shall focus on the Holy Method.
Warning: The Holy Method takes commitment. You may want to stick to loud.

Slow and Soft Thought Method
Talking slowly and softly is holy. Everybody knows this. So slow down your speech and make it look like you're thinking before you say anything.
Answer questions slowly and softly. Take a long time thinking before answering any question. Then, answer very softly. The less they hear your answer, the more the more thought they will think you're putting into it.
Answering questions in a way that can't be heard is holy. Trust me, you'll be noticed for your humility. And the knowledge expressed by your not answering their questions will be praised by all.

Make Them Wait
The idea of the Slow and Soft Thought Method is to make people wait. 'Should we start Chazaras Hashas?' Wait to answer that. 'People are waiting.' Don't worry. Make them wait. Holy people move slow and make people wait. If you make people wait long enough, the congregation will start to respect you.
Due to your newfound holiness and ability to make them wait, be ready for people to ask you more questions. 

Tis a Bit Without the 's' Sound
Holy people leave out the 's'. It should sound more like the Hebrew letter 'ת' with a dagesh and a sheva, if that helps.
Before talking or answering any questions, shake your head, close your eyes, and make a little noise with your tongue touching your pallet. Why? I don't know. It's just what holy people do. It adds onto the amount of time it takes to answer a question, and it draws extra attention to your holiness. 

Silent Method of Holiness
It's very holy to not talk.
Be silent at all times. Don't even say 'Shabbat Shalom.' Just give a head nod. Better than a head nod is a head shake. Head shakes will have people thinking they did something wrong. Making people feel like they did something wrong is what holy people do.
If people ask you questions while pulling the Silent Method, remain silent. That's why it's known as the Silent Method. The directions for this method are fairly simple. Remain silent. They will thank you for your answers.
The less you answer them, the more they'll ask you. So be ready to answer a lot of questions without saying anything. It's a skill. As long as your silence is very loud, you will be noticed for your holiness.
Pulling this method is extremely advanced. Hence, I suggest the Slow and Soft Method of holiness for most notice-ability.

Squint
Holy people don't open their eyes fully. It also helps when you're in the sun, or when praying in bright light.
This also works for answering questions. Squinting makes it look like you're thinking, especially when squeezing your lips together. Close your eyes a lot and don't answer questions in a sensical manner.

Take Longer Than the Rabbi with Shema
The rabbi is going to be long. You be longer. If your Shema is long enough, they might even hire you. Most shuls hire rabbis based on how long their Shema is. If you're looking into a rabbinic job, work on lengthening your Shema.
Do an out loud 'Emes' Shema ender when everybody has already started the Amidah. There is no way somebody can have that long of a Shema and not be holy.
I must note, the loud 'Emes' is one of the only times a holy person should be extremely loud. Otherwise, nobody will know your Shema prayer is holier than the rabbi's.
If they wait for you to finish the Shema, even holier.

A Long Amidah
After your Shema, when the rest of the congregation is preparing to leave, do a long Amidah.
Just stand there for a real long time. You can think about sports. Meditate on some cute girl you're thinking about. Just stand there and you will be holy.
To pass time, as you will run out of words to say, shuckle a bit. Once the rest of the membership is gone, you can finish the Amidah and run out.

Dress Holy
This means a suit. You have to wear a suit at all times. In shul, at work, playing pickleball. Holy people wear suits.
As we said, the Holy Method is hard. You will have to be fully enveloped in the method.

Have a Safer Open at All Times
It looks holy to have a Talmud or book of Torah open at all times. You don't have to be learning it. It should be open and in Hebrew. You don't have to understand Hebrew. It's just not holy to learn in English. Learning what you understand is not holy.
It's better to not read. Leaning over the Sefer is holier. Nothing looks holier than falling asleep over a book.

Keep Your Head Down
Always make it look like you're saying Tachnun.

You can practice these methods at work. The Holy Method will have the office supporting your time in meditation, or thinking about girls. The Loud Method discussed last week will get you a job as a boss.

In Summary: Davening slower shows holiness. The cues are slow, low, eyes closed and humble. To ensure your holiness you should be loud every once in a while. And that is only when praying. And when Hebrew outlouding your Tefillah be sure to be a few prayers back. (Those practicing the Silent Method can be loud in prayer, as to help draw attention to their silence.)
You will be able to judge how holy you have become by how many people ask you questions. I can tell you, as a holy rabbi myself, many people ask me where the best place to shop for suits at a discount is. Not to toot my own horn.

And remember to squint a lot. I cannot stress this enough. Eyes not fully open shows holiness.
I pray the Holy Method gets you noticed. Maybe you'll get an Aliyah from it. If you do get an Aliyah, be sure to say it in a way that is hard for the others to hear. Remember, the less they can hear you, the holier you are.