Questions I Had at My Family's Pesach Seder

by David Kilimnick

I have the same questions every year. Feel free to ask them at the Seder, and interrupt the Mah Nishtana like I do.

Why are we not eating?
Why is the Dvar Torah (Torah commentary) going on? Doesn’t the Haggadah have a lot of these already? Why are we listening to Mike’s thoughts? The rabbis have been discussing this for two thousand years…?
Why are we not eating?
Why is my shirt stained?
Why am I sitting at the kids’ table?
I am 30 years old and single, I get it. Why am I sitting at the kids' table?
Why is he still talking and why has he not finished the Dvar Torah?
Why are we not eating? 
Why is it that every time you try to kasher the house you start a fire?
Why do none of the kids understand the questions they just asked?
Why do I lean, when I am drinking wine, which stains?
Why does my sister-n-law spend $18,000 a year to send these kids to Jewish day school, when we have to help them sing the simple song, 'Mah Nitshtana'?
Why does this little kid not read Hebrew?
​Is Charoset really mortar? It doesn’t seem to work as a strong adhesive, or dry very hard.
Charoset stains too?
Why is there a toy in the middle of the floor?
If this Charoset is mortar, can that be the reason why most pyramids are not there anymore?
Is this another one of those schemes?
Why does Charoset stain too?
Why is my three year old nephew still awake?
Why do we not answer any of these questions?
Why are we not eating?
What does a chicken neck have to do with a sacrifice?
Why did they not sacrifice chickens when they are so easy to catch and throw on a truck, in boxes?
You burnt the neck?!
Why do we only dunk twice on this night, when we have all the Israeli salatim (dips) on every other night?
Why do we not dunk in Chumus on this night? Does Chumus rise?
What is Kitniyot again?
What is a legume?
Why did you translate that Hebrew word into an English word that is harder to understand than the Hebrew?
Are eggplants also a legume? Can you make bread out of eggplants too?
Why are we not eating?
Why was everybody screaming at all the children to shower, a good eight hours before the holiday started?
Why am I drunk already? It was only one cup of wine?
Why are we drinking on an empty stomach?
Why are these kids still up?
If we are talking about knocking out the kid’s teeth, why are all these children still running around? Do they not take our threats seriously?
Why did my brother’s wife just tell her child that she has to go into timeout? Is that the alternative to knocking out the teeth?
Why does everybody laugh when we give somebody the ‘wicked son’ to read?
How many more people have something to share about the four sons?
Why is the little one leaning on me?
Do we read about the annoying son?
Can we talk about this child sitting next to me?
Is that the same Dvar Torah?
Why are these kids still up?
Is there anything about annoying parents?
Can you please wake me up when people are finished talking about the four sons?
Why did I spend twenty minutes cutting up toilet paper before the holiday?
Why is somebody giving another Dvar Torah?
That just has to stop?!
We have been here for three hours. Are they considered the wicked son? Should we blunt out her teeth?
Did slavery last as long as these Dvrei Torah?
If we got out of slavery, why did we spend two weeks scrubbing the floors of our home, by ourselves?
When are we going to eat?
Why don't we talk about the Jews who didn't leave Egypt?
Why did my aunt tell my cousin that if she would have screamed like this in Egypt, she wouldn't have been freed?
Ouch!!! Why did nobody move this Lego car?
Why are all of these random people at our meal? 
They never invited us?
Why is my cousin still yelling?
If she wouldn’t have been freed from Egypt, why did we free her from the table?
Why do we need all of these toys to let us know what the plagues were?
Why do little Styrofoam balls not remind me of hail?
Why does the frog toy not move, when I push on the back?
Since when is food coloring considered blood?
Does blood stain like charoset?
My foot still hurts. Why does Lego hurt more than all other toys?
Is it the extra corners and little circles on the Lego?
How did I put on eight pounds already? I haven't eaten anything yet?!
What is a kazayit? Before I eat the matzah, I want to know- is it the size of an olive, egg or melon?
Why do I have to stuff the whole thing into my mouth within three seconds? Who came up with that amount of time?
How do you commemorate the death of the first born?
Why is my stomach hurting. I have only eaten half a piece of matzah?
Why did this child, we will call them the annoying child, take soup before me?
The house is not very clean. Did you try to cleaning this place with a feather?
If it is not fit for a dog to eat, it is not considered chametz. Does that mean that we can eat my roommate’s food?
Why is the light in our fridge never on?
Why are we the only family in the community that did not go to a hotel this Passover?
Why is nobody answering any of my questions?
Why do I have to move the food to the other side of the table? Is it in our genes to eat anything within arm’s reach? Can't these people control their eating habits?
Why did Gd not command us that brisket is the only kosher meat there is, when mom never cooks anything else?
Is brisket the only kosher cut of meat?
If Elijah doesn’t drink that cup, can I have it?
Why does my foot still hurt?
I like bread made out of potato starch. If it is enjoyable, can I still eat that on Pesach?
Why do all the Jews go to the zoo on Chol Hamoed (intermediary days of the holiday)?
Are there other permitted activities for religious children, asides from the zoo?
Why do non-Jews not smuggle food into zoos, movie theaters and hockey games?
Why do non-Jewish people wear baseball hats when they travel, when they are already not Jewish?
I like the tune of the song ‘Who Knows One,’ but why the pop quiz?
I would have studied if I knew that I needed to know Thirteen. Is there a cheat sheet?
Does anybody know thirteen?
Why did nobody tell me that Matzah stains too?
Why am I sitting at the kids table?
Why are my nephews still yelling?
Why is the three year old still awake?
Why did the kids just get screamed at for asking questions at the Seder?
18k? Really. Why does this kid not know the 'Mah Nishtana'?