KIBBITZER
Your Weekly Jewish Humor Magazine for a Gazunta Laugh about Life
DONATE to the Kibbitzer Magazine...
CLICK HERE to partner with JHF
spreading Jewish laughter and joy
  • Articles
  • Shabbat Printout Year V
    • Shabbat Printout Year IV
    • Shabbat Printout Year III
    • Shabbat Printout Year II
    • Shabbat Printout Year I
  • Health and Healing
  • About Us
    • Partner and Dedicate
    • Subscribe
    • Get In Touch
    • Contributors
    • FAQ
    • Terms of Use
The Blog Search and Random Post Generator will appear here on the published site.
We found
results for you
We've got nothin'!
The Blog Category Slider will appear here on the published site.
Popular Tags
The Breadcrumbs widget will appear here on the published site.

Pesach Prep the Night Before Passover: A Beginners Guide

3/31/2023

0 Comments

 

by Rabbi David

Picture
If you don't have every Shpritz, your home is not Kosher for Pesach.
It's the night before Pesach. You've cleaned the home. It’s fully Kosher for Passover. What do you do now?

Put Bread Around the House
Now that you've cleaned the house for the past few months, and got rid of all leavened bread, it's time to hide ten small pieces of Challah around the house. You want them to be really small and very hard to find.
If you find all the pieces, it's now time to prepare for the Seder. If you can't find the ten pieces of bread, clean again and celebrate Pesach Sheni.
Many people don't find this tradition of hide-and-go-seek fun. It makes them very nervous.

Watch The Ten Commandments
The night before Passover, after you have found the bread crumbs you sprinkled around the house right after you cleaned the house of bread crumbs, it's important to keep with Jewish tradition of watching The Ten Commandments. It's a tradition that has been passed on from generation to generation, beginning all the way back in Flatbush.
After watching The Ten Commandments it's time to clean more.

Kasher Everything
You cleaned, but you didn't clean enough. The kitchen is spotless, but it's still not clean enough for Pesach. You still have skin on your hands. It's now time to use more sink, stove and oven cleaner yet. Now, place your fingers in chemicals that burn through bone. This way you can cook with your hands on Pesach (don't do this- I don't want to get sued because sarcasm is not understood).
After you've burned yourself with oven cleaner, pour boiling water everywhere and risk your life with a blowtorch to ensure your kitchen has no bread and your oven is broken. This way it will be impossible to cook Chametz. And that is Kosher for Passover.

Yell at the Kids
Yell at the kids for not helping. You didn’t want them to help, because they get in the way and set the table wrong. Not the point. You need to get out some of your frustration. This is your twelfth year in a row making the Seder, and you're still trying to figure out why your sister has yet to have hosted this thing.

Cover Everything
You've watched The Ten Commandments, yelled at the kids, cleaned the counters, Kashered them, risked your life with a blowtorch, taken out an eye with oven cleaner, and scarred one of your kids.  Now it's time to pull out the tinfoil and the dishes.
You can use plastic tablecloths to cover everything, however they're not shiny enough. A good Kosher for Pesach home should blind anybody who walks in and tries to eat. Any home not covered in tinfoil is not Kosher for Pesach. Any dish not covered in tinfoil is not a Passover dish.
During each part of the process you should be Shpritzing. Shpritzing stuff doesn't stop after you've cleaned.

Don't Sleep
There is always more to clean. You missed something. If you're not worried, you definitely did not clean enough for Pesach and you're probably a heretic.

Burn Eggs and Chicken
Burn stuff. The food on Pesach is already painful on the stomach. You might as well burn it.

Did you Purchase Everything?
You're not worrying enough.
Go back to the supermarket. You did not buy enough food for the week. Eight twenty pound roasts. Thirty pounds of Matzah. Seventy pounds of Kugel. One hundred and ninety pounds of Manischewitz cakes and macaroons. That will not feed the family and your sister for the week.
Why macaroons are Jewish? Due to Pesach, we have evolved to a people who enjoy coconut balls. The only people  that enjoy coconut pastries.

Go Back To The Supermarket
You should've bought more. There is still more kosher for Pesach wine at the supermarket.
Purchase more tin and tinfoil. There is more brisket and you need more tinfoil to cover the living room.

Now that you're ready and everything is prepared, yell at the kids and tell them to clean more. Give them spray. Shpritzing should still be happening. Now, fight with your spouse about not having enough money to pay for all the Pesach food, and feeling like idiots for spending fifteen dollars on mayonnaise.
And now, call your sister to tell her how much you're looking forward to having her, with her in-laws tagging along, come right before the holiday, when everything is prepared.

Next time we will talk about Seder table prep, Dvar Torah preparation and how to impress guests by keeping them till 3am with your thoughts on the rabbis' thoughts on the Haggadah. We will even delve into how to hold the attention of the children with Styrofoam hail and lice. We will also discuss how to return stuff after Passover without shame. In the meantime, you should be Shpritzing more oven cleaner and yelling at the kids.
The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
Tags:
0 Comments
The Recommended Content Widget will appear here on the published site.

You Might Also Like

First Last



Leave a Reply.

      Subscribe for weekly Jewish laughs with the Kibbitzer

    Subscribe to Newsletter
    Picture
    How do we know Balak didn’t pay? He had to Bil-am.
    You get it? Bilam. Bill him. If you say Bilam fast it sounds like bill him. That’s how we know there was no prophet. Another pun. Profit. Bilam was a prophet. Prophet. Profit. Brilliant. Do prophets make profit? I guess it depends on if they get paid.

    Picture
    Mazel Tov. It’s a dog... I think it’s great when people give birth to dogs. They’re just not good on deciding what to order. I waited on line for a good ten minutes for that dog to make a decision as to what coffee it wanted. At some point, I decided to cut him.
    Picture
    David Kilimnick - Israel's "Father of Anglo Comedy" (JPost) is not touring with his Israel solidarity show. Bring David to your community, college campus, shul, home, to share laughs of Jewish unity... 585-738-9233 [email protected]
    Picture
    Peninei Halacha (Zemanim 8:6:2-3) says that bathing is allowed during the 3 Weeks. So no excuse for the kids in camp smelling like that.

    Categories

    All
    Aliyah
    Anti Semitism
    Antisemitism
    Bar/Bat Mitzvah
    Cartoon
    Chanukah
    Community
    COVID
    David Kilimnick
    Education
    Entertainment
    Europe
    Excercise
    Family
    Food
    Frum
    Gemara
    Halachot
    History
    Holiday
    Holidays
    Inspiration
    Interviews
    Israel
    Israelis
    Jerusalem
    Jewish
    Jewish Jokes
    Kosher
    Lag Bomer
    Language
    Marriage
    Mikakel Kaleekaku
    Mitzvot
    Moishe Unklovitch
    Mordechai Stein
    Musar
    Netanel-kraus
    News
    Nonprofits
    Organziations
    Parsha
    Passover
    Pesach
    Pictures
    Politics
    Puns
    Purim
    Rabbi David
    Rebbes
    Religion
    Rivka Schwartz
    Rosh Hashana
    Scenes
    School
    Sermons Of Rebuke
    Shabbat
    Shavuot
    Shiva
    Shmulik
    Shul
    Simchas
    Singles
    Sports
    Stories Of Inspiration
    Style
    Sukkot
    Summer
    Tisha Bav
    Torah
    Usa
    Wedding
    Wise Men Of Chelm
    Yeshiva
    Yom HaAtzmaut
    Yom Kippur
    Youth

    Archives

    July 2025
    June 2025
    May 2025
    April 2025
    March 2025
    February 2025
    January 2025
    December 2024
    November 2024
    October 2024
    September 2024
    August 2024
    July 2024
    June 2024
    May 2024
    April 2024
    March 2024
    February 2024
    January 2024
    December 2023
    November 2023
    October 2023
    September 2023
    August 2023
    July 2023
    June 2023
    May 2023
    April 2023
    March 2023
    February 2023
    January 2023
    December 2022
    November 2022
    October 2022
    September 2022
    August 2022
    July 2022
    June 2022
    May 2022
    April 2022
    March 2022
    February 2022
    January 2022
    December 2021
    November 2021
    October 2021
    September 2021
    August 2021
    July 2021
    June 2021
    May 2021
    April 2021

    RSS Feed

DONATE to the Kibbitzer Magazine...
CLICK HERE to partner with JHF
spreading Jewish laughter and joy
Picture
Contact Us
FAQ
Terms of Use
Sponsor
​Dedicate Article
About Us
Contributors
Home Page
Subscribe to The Kibbitzer
© 2025 Kibbitzer Magazine and JHF. All rights reserved.
The Kibbitzer, where we take Jewish comedy seriously!!! If you are offended, it's satire written by David Kilimnick and poorly edited by David Kilimnick.
So, blame his pseudonyms.
A friend of the Off The Wall Comedy Theater, JHF and The Kibbitzer are here to bring unity and Jewish connection for you, in honor of Rabbi Kilimnick ZT"L.

​The Kibbitzer is Funded by the JHF (The Jewish Humor Foundation) and you.
Contact us to share ideas, make a donation and to sponsor Harbatzas Tzchok, the spreading of tradition through laughter, with articles or series in honor and memory of your loved ones.

  • Articles
  • Shabbat Printout Year V
    • Shabbat Printout Year IV
    • Shabbat Printout Year III
    • Shabbat Printout Year II
    • Shabbat Printout Year I
  • Health and Healing
  • About Us
    • Partner and Dedicate
    • Subscribe
    • Get In Touch
    • Contributors
    • FAQ
    • Terms of Use