Scoring Free Food: How The Jewish Single Male Survives

by David Kilimnick

This is why you don't eat with singles. All of them are fighting to make sure the other singles don't steal all the food. (Photo- NY Times of the Moishe House)

The single orthodox male thrives off of free food. The community wants to give him food. The question is how to find it. Where do you place yourself, so you can receive optimal amounts of free food, to get you through the week without cooking. To note, the correct phraseology for receiving free food is 'score.' You score free food.
We aren't worried about the single woman, as she knows how to cook. She just hasn't found somebody good looking enough to cook for yet. The single man needs food, and his survival is dependant on leftovers. Freshly cooked food is for married people.
Some single men don't have the innate skill set to navigate other people's food. As I have mastered the art of taking food from others, here are some of the techniques and skills I have developed for survival and enjoyment as a single man.

Leftovers
Take them. Take them with pride. Married people will give them to you. If they find out you're single, they will search you out with tin pans of whatever they can find. You could be eating at a restaurant, if they find out you're single, they starting collections from the other tables and packing them for you.
Feeding single people leftovers is communal. No matter how old you are, they assume that you can't cook. They're right. No single man would eat with married people if they knew how to cook. If there is no chance of meeting a girl, the single man is there for the food. You don't even have to ask, they will bag it for you. Take whatever they give you. Take whatever you can.

Be Classy
You already have a rep for being single. You don't to add 'no class' to that. Pretend like you don't need it. But take it. As you're carrying the tins out of the party, keep it classy.
Smile and say, 'I don't need it, but thank you.' Be sure you're walking away as you say that, as they may insist that you give the food back. You don't want them to be in a position where they can grab it.

Go Into Your Friend's Fridge
After dinner, peruse through the upper shelves of the fridge. Never waste your time on the lower shelves. You don't need vegetables.
When they ask what you're doing in their kitchen, tell them how nice it looks. Then, tell them how good the food looks. They should get the hint. If they don't, give them a blank stare with a little blush. Remember, you want to keep it classy. They will give you the food from their fridge.
The subtle charity technique always works best when they want you out of their house. If you're intrusive enough, they'll empty the fridge and the pantry to ensure that you have enough food to not come back for months.

Take Whatever They Give You - You Will Eat It
​They're throwing it out. Take it. Two weeks old? Take it. Married people can't handle two week old fish. You can. Use that to your advantage. They've become domesticated and are used to eating food that's been cooked in an oven. Some of them have never used a microwave. They wait for their food.
Somebody is cooking fresh stuff nightly over in the married person's home. They can't handle the stuff from last week. Your stomach can. It has eaten your microwaved eggs for the past thirty years.​

Show Up to Shul Events
If there is one thing the sisterhood loves to do, it's feed single people. They don't want single people in their homes, as single people are creepy, and they might be on the Family Watchdog list. Nonetheless, they want to feed the single-capable. Take what you can. Take all the tin pans they give you. Enjoy it. That food is fresh.
It would be offensive to give leftovers from a community event to married people. As a single person, you walk out of that fundraiser with a smile and hands stacked in tin. Remember, part of the fundraiser is giving the single man food.

Show Up to Family Events
Your family will give you everything. You tried hosting them and they know how bad your food is.
There's not enough room in the freezer for the cake. Take it. That's breakfast for the next month. At least you'll remember Shlomi's birthday, when you see his name on your food.

Chanukah Parties
Take as much oily food as you can. If the hosts aren't looking, take the bottle of oil. Preferably the liter and a half size.
The oil may get to your stomach the first couple of days. After the first few days, the latkes, sufganiot and whatever sfingee thing you eat will go right through you. 

Holidays
Show up. They will give you the leftovers. You can never have too much leftover brisket.
You don't have to be invited. Take advantage of the Jewish 'Hachnasat Orchim' concept. If you look needy enough, they'll even invite you for Pesach. Can you imagine not having to Kasher you kitchen for Pesach. Taking home Seder food is a double win.

Simchas
Go to the wedding. When you walk out, say 'Mazel Tov' to the bride and groom, and take the souffles off the tables. People usually leave those.

Crockpot Cooking
If you can't find any food that you didn't pay for, use the crockpot. You'll mess up the white chicken otherwise. The great thing about the crockpot cooking technique is that whatever you make will taste like leftovers.

Scavenge
Do what you must. I don't suggest going through the garbage. That will hurt any chance you have of ever meeting somebody.
Scavenging could be showing up to multiple homes on a Friday night. Jewish scavenging experts have the ability to find the food that was served for Friday night dinner, in the kitchen. Their ability to turn the dishes, that have been brought back into the kitchen, as buffet, shows their

Hotel Breakfast in Israel
Any proud single person will stack up five to eight plates at the table. It's still classy. The plates are china. 
The question is how to get that food home. After you've eaten, it is then time to use the napkin to swaddle the food; it is your baby, and until it is in the fridge, it must be watched over. After the food has been swaddled, you then bag it.
Note of Importance: It's best to be invited to the hotel breakfast by somebody else. Remember, you don't want to have to pay for your leftovers.

Bagging 
The bagging technique is really the key to single survival. If you don't have a bag, preferably luggage, it's impossible to take the amount that you need from your friend's house, to satisfy your weekly nourishment needs. The hotel's buffet is huge, because they know the single people have suitcases with them.

Aluminum Foil
To quote Yomi Groner, 'Don't forget aluminum foil. It keeps the food good for another day or two.' Many have overlooked aluminum foil since shrink wrap and Ziplocs became popular. Nonetheless, nothing hugs the leftovers as well as foil.

Purchase a Microwave
You need to heat up the food they gave you somehow. Stay away from ovens. You're not cooking for a family of nine. And the single man doesn't need to cook. They need to reheat. 
Warning: When using the microwave technique of reheating for the single man, separate the food from the aluminum foil. 

The survival of the single male is dependent on their ability to eat after the meal is finished. It's not what you eat at the buffet. It's not what you eat at your friend's home. It's how many dinners you took back from your friend's place. In my case, since I have mastered the technique of loading bags, it's dinners for the next month. That saves me having to eat at other people's homes again.
Personally, I feel bad for the single women. They're stuck with people respecting them, thinking they know how to cook.

​Never try to look good. Keep it classy, but never try to look good. Bring your bag and load it up. Stack the tin pans. Scavenge their fridge. And never go to other single people for dinner; you'll walk away with nothing.
Don't let shame get in the way. Getting food is a way of life. You're single. Your friends are already judging you. Your family already sees you as a failure. They’re really just giving you the leftovers because they’re worried you’ll come back for another dinner. They’re trying to get you out. So, enjoy the leftovers. Enjoy all the food people give you. And keep it classy.