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•Showing that they won't give into terrorism, the ADL responds to attacks on Israel and on the streets of their country with a rally online. The message was spread to those who made plans to be there. Jews who support the ADL saw the online rally of themselves.
Remaining true to their stance, making a strong statement with a strong Jewish voice, the ADL muted all the Jews who attended.
•Mayim Bialik is now hosting Jeopardy. 'Mark of the Kibbitzer.' Answer is, 'Who is Mayim's next husband?' (That was Mark's contribution at the table this week. He has a crush on Mayim, ever since Blossom.)
•After the two day holiday of Shavuot, the average 5’6” Jew now ways 215 pounds. They cannot take it off.
•Online Simchas reported less weddings this past year. People don't meet when they're not allowed to.
•The Tzitzis hanging out of the shirt, is back. The pocket Tzitzis hold is not in fashion. This season, it's Tzitzis fully out and a long woolen coat.
•The new Israeli Unity Government is now formed with parties that hate each other. Being that there is unity, now people can hate each other more closely.
Many are hoping for this unity coalition to stick, saying that if there is unity, nothing will happen for the next four years. This makes many Israelis happy. Israeli says, 'If they can't agree on anything within the party, they won't mess anything up.'
For those who are worried, they will still have voting booths setup, so that people can continue the biannual Jewish tradition of voting for a government that will not happen.
•'Andrew Yang (New York politician) tweeted in support of Israel. 'I’m standing with the people of Israel who are coming under bombardment attacks, and condemn the Hamas terrorists' (JTA). We saw him when he said this in the middle of New York City, and not one Israeli was around.
WIth this statement of support, Yang has lost his Jewish vote. As a politician he should know better. Jews don't like themselves. To regain the Jewish vote of New York he now has to make it clear that he never meant to offend Jews by showing support for Israel. He let the Jews know that they can be reassured that he will be with them and never support Jews again.
•Naftali Bennett is ready for Prime Ministership. He's finally heavy enough. In other sources, he stopped wearing his yarmulke and is now feeling comfortable garnishing Jewish support.
•Abbas is mad that Israel won't allow Palestinian elections to take place in Jerusalem, as it is not part of Palestine. Abbas is depending on the Israeli vote. The Israeli vote of Jerusalem is his only hope. To quote his advisor, 'Israelis love voting. They do it all the time. They'll vote if we let them.'
Seeing how it works in Israel, Abbas is now trying to form a unity government with parties that he is not unified with. He's hoping Bibi will join him.
Being that it's not important to vote in the country that you are voting for, Israel is planning to host their next elections in Moldova.
•Simon Cowell is not going to Israel to appear on Israel's talent show, the X-Factor. The bombing of Israel also attacked our voices.
•Shouts around the world for changes of Israel's apartheid of Gaza is hitting the streets. To make the foreign entities happy, Israelis are now trying to move to Gaza.
•Yes. It still exists. People hate Jews.
•In support of anti-Semitism, more than 600 singers signed a letter to stop doing concerts in Israel. I didn't even know there were 600 singers that people care about. (Rachel makes a decent point- as we could only name forty singers outside of Madonna and Mordechai Ben David)
In support of BDS, the singers are boycotting their own shows. Many of the 600 singers called off all their shows this summer, when they realized that nobody bought tickets. When asked why no tickets were bought, a customer answered, 'We never heard of them.'
Israeli singers are baffled. Aviv Gefen and Mosh Ben-Ari have no idea what to do. Not enough people in Europe understand Hebrew for Subliminal's raps to go over. Sarit Hadad is now trying to get gigs in Jordan. The Israeli singers have learned that outside of Israel, there's not much of a market for Israeli music. Now they're stuck waiting for the Jewish Federations to bring them in for Yom HaAtzmaut.
The 600 singers of the world are calling for a group song, as that is what singers do. Ever since We Are The World, they've tried, but nothing has worked. The beginning of the song goes, 'We're not the Jews. We're not the children. We've never been to Gaza or Jerusalem. There's a choice we're making. We've hated Jews our whole lives... I am Jewish. I am not chosen...'
*Disclaimer: This is nobody's opinion. If any of Jews in the News This Week is offensive to you, it's satire. If something isn't funny, it's satire. If you don't get it, or it's not factually correct, you disagree with it and it's satire.
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They wanted to clean the silver on the Torah. Instead, they Polished it.
You get it? People from Poland are Polish. They should‘ve polished the silver. Nobody knows what it means. Maybe put a Polish person on it. If you're Polish, we do not mean to offend you. At the Kibbitzer, we are sure that many Polish know how to polish very well.
The Jerusalem Shofar carrying bag and water bottle. Perfect for when you need to blow the Shofar on a Tiyul. (saying something about a Shofar on a hike was where our creativity on this joke came to a halt)