Jews in The News: Weekly Comedy Commentary of The Israel Nation

RELIGION
•JPost reports, 'Jerusalem Rabbinate requires beards in job application for (kashrut) inspectors.' They don't just want the hair in the food. They want it in the job applications as well.
Kosher restaurants have an average of five more hairs in meat dishes, due to the uncontained beard hair. The average beard hair of a rabbi is eight times as long as that of a chef.
The Rabbinate has been accused from many Chareidi Jews of not having a trustworthy enough kosher certificate, as many inspectors are not always present in the restaurants. They now fight back, as noted, 'All can trust our Kosher certificate when there is a hair in the meal. That is how you know the rabbi is there.'

SPORTS
•Iran is banned from judo competition, for the next four years, for telling their athletes to avoid Israelis in competition (TOI). This is sound judo tactic. Why anybody would want to be thrown to the ground is baffling. (this was Mark's addition- he has never been in a fight or competed as an athlete)
The Iranian athletes are not happy, as this is their only chance to fight Jews.
•'David Cohen can become the first Jewish jockey to win a Kentucky Derby' (JTA). Other Jews will be at the Kentucky Derby, continuing a long standing tradition achieved by many Jews, losing a lot of money.

WORLD
•The Rover just made oxygen on Mars. What Jewish people are willing to do to get another Pesach hotel. (Rachel put this one in- She was in Florida this Pesach and as she said, 'It was too hot there.')

Anti-Semitism Still Exists
•We can still blame the prices at Bloomingdales on this.
•In his rage against losing an illegal real estate deal for his law firm, the Chicago Alderman Ed Burke says it's the Jews and how they do business with Jews. He is sincerely bothered by the schnapps, kichel and herring.
To quote Burke (JTA), '"Well, you know as well as I do, Jews are Jews."'
The ADL is not happy with this. They are happy with the new falafel stands that offer different flavored balls. The ADL loves those places and put out a statement that they should continue with the zatar balls. The ADL demands that Burke apologize and that nobody ever call Jews 'Jews' again. This has caused people to resort to epithets. Burke is now going to just say, 'The cheap people.'
In his defence, he is 77 years old and he didn't even realize that what he was saying was wrong.
Many are on his side, as they said, 'What's the problem? We talk about how we hate Jews all the time.' The ADL will not stand for this anymore. Even so, they are willing to compromise and allow people to use the word 'Jew' with an optimistic tone. If it can't be sang in the resolution of a musical number, people may say 'Jews.'
•In response to Jews, many have decided to move to France, saying, 'We want to live in an anti-Semite sympathetic country... Finally a court system and refuge that understands us.'

ENTERTAINMENT
•Jews didn't do well in the Oscars. They were nominated but almost all of them didn't win. Anti-Semites.
They only nominated Jews so they can say their name and tell them they lost.
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*Disclaimer: This is nobody's opinion. If any of Jews in the News This Week is offensive to you, it's satire.