Americans Worry for War

by Shmulik Itzkovitz

Americays worry about everysing. All time. Worry.

Worry About War
We've been in war so many year. Every tree year, we have war in Israel. Zey bomb. Boom. Ve know. Amerikay worry. Ehhh. Israel, we go ehhh drink. Eat falafel. Leeve life. You worry. Amerkay say and cry, 'I no travel to New York. Danger.' It's all the way Israel. You worry about other world side, ehhh. In Israel we feel bad for Amerikay. We got bombed. We worry, ehhh, they cry in America.
We feel bad, but we always bombed. When last war America? America go war, no soldier in America. All soldier far away.
You worry war now. It Europa. Russia live in Israel. Ve see dis. All goodie. Ukrainies and Russia same. 
No idea where Europe on map. Ehhh. You sink Ukraine one of fifty state. You cry, 'Oh no. Zey attack us.' You need look map. Ehhh. Map show you where you leeve. You leeve US. They leeve Ukraine. Ukraine no US.
You cry, sink zey move to US? Ehhh. Emmm. Ehhh.

Money
How ehhh muchie you need? You cry like baby, wah wah, 'Ehhh. I only two-hundred sousand dollar last year?' You worry. Saving of 5 million dollar. Ehhh. You need buy more house?! We make sirty sosand shekel. We rent. We happy.
How muchie you need? You need for after you die? (crying) 'Why? I no money to send great-grandchild to university.' (Crying with scream) 'My life too good. Why? Why? Why?'
You need two million shekel a year. Ehhh. For what? You visit Israel?

College
War. Now you worry college. (Amerikay cry gain) 'Need degree. Where I get 70 sousand dollar a year?!' There war. Now you worry university. 
Everysing worry. Ehhh. College. (Crying more) 'Oh no. Where I vacation spring break. Life so hard.' College fun. You learn. You stupeed. 70 sousand dollar stupeeed. You no make dis. I work Yanky's falafel, we make twenty thousand shekel. Ehhh.
You spend dees seventy sounand on college. you never Aliyah. You come Israel, everybody sink you stupeed. College Israel, seven sousand shekel.
Sevety sousand dollar for good jobe. Good jobe? Ehhh. Why? Why? Why? You work dis Walmart? 
Israel, you move? You no job. You sound no right. You sound Amerikay. Go to college and sound stupeed. Amerikay accent. No jobe. College and university 500 sousand dollar. No even say 'Ehhh Shalom' normaly. You need course college, ehhh no sound Ameirkay.
No college. No spendie all your money.

Health
​You no eat falafel. Eat falafel. Zeees ehhh healsie.
Amerikay eat helsy, dees eight falafel sandweech. Lunch. Amerikay eat helsy, ehhh, dees eatie eight healsie time. One meal. Eight meal. We eat one meal at one meal. Amerikay eat eight meal. (Cry) 'Why I so fat?' We give one falafel, you say, 'More.' You no eat meal. You eat day. All day. You no sit meal. Ehhh. You sit for day. Zen, you worry you eat too much. You do.
I see Amerikay eat. You eat dis. No ve-ge-ta-ble. Ehhh. (Crying Again) 'I want healsy. I no eat more.' You eat Amerikay or you starvie. You no can seet one falafel.

All Worry
Worry about hels. Worry about college. Worry war. Worry Money. Ehhh. Worry money, zen worry not shopping enough. (Crying more) 'We no shop. Need more clothes.' How much clothes you need? Ehhh. Your closet need more clothes? I see you new clothe everyday. Need shop. Need work. Ehhh, worry work. We have no jobe, Israel. Just Yanky's. I no work. I happy.
Worry politica. Ehhh. Zen worry more politica. (Cry) 'Why government no give money? Why government tax? Ehhh? Why gas?' You worry gas. You worry. You need bad. Ehhh. Bad. No worry. You say, 'Zis bad. OK. Life no good. I happy it bad.'
Leeve in Israel. No worry. We know we have no money. Ehhh. School government pay for. Zey take our tax. We know. We no worry. We no eat. We helsy.
Stop worry. You worry, you going to worry. All you do, worry. Zis activity for you. Ehhh. Worry time. (Crying again) 'What I do today? I worry. Zis what I do. I worry and shop. And worry I no shop ehhhh enough. And worry I spent too much. Zen I worry war... No idea where war is. But I worry leave home. I zen worry about college. Ehhh, my grandkids go college. Need to worry for zem. I no worry, who will worry for the next generation?... It's ehhhh zeh worry zath I worry zat is zeh hardest. I need helsy too. I need be helsy to worry. Ehhh. Zen I need money visit Israel where zey no worry. I shop zer too. I no have money to shop zer too. Zey have no Amerikay money. I worry for zem. War in Ukraine. What zey do in Israel? I worry.'
Zen, ehhh, you worry travel Israel, because you hear war in Ukraine. Worry it same country. We know it no same country. Ukrainiaim live in Israel.
Leevee Isrealie. Nosing have. Ehhhh. No worry. When bomb, you no worry. You know zer bomb. Zen you move to Israelie, you worry you good Oleh.

And zen zey worry. (Huge cry) 'I have kids. Oh no. Too much Nachis. Ehhh. Why me? Zis so nice.' Even good. You worry. Ehhh.
What we do for Ukraine? We worry. Ehhh. We stand in worry wis zem.

Kibbitzer Disclaimer: Please do not blame us for the grammar. Shmulik dictated this article. He demanded that he speaks the language correctly. He was literally crying every time he quoted an American.
To note, for your understanding. we wrote the headings in English.
We do not know if Shmulik really thinks that Russia is in Israel. He might be trying to say 'Russians live in Israel.'
He did use 'Ehhh' for a whole sentence. 
We do commend Shmulik's ability to mock people with anxiety. He mocked all of America for having anxiety. We have never met anybody else who could do this.