Sermons of Rebuke: HaAzinu

by Rivka Schwartz

The Kiddish Club has leaving shul down to an art. They fly out of there right after Torah reading. I have noticed that they move much faster when they're getting out of services. When they're coming to shul, they move much slower. 
The problem is that fifteen guys are running out every time. We were left with nobody in shul last Shabbat. Just the Haftorah reader who got called up for Maftir. 
Nobody in shul- they have to make an announcement ‘before you go to Kiddish club, please make sure there’s a minyin.’ I am beginning to think the rabbi loves the Kiddish club. He always wanted to get rid of most of the members. Even so, he has to pretend like he doesn't want it to happen.
 
The rabbi decided that the shul needed to be cooler. So he started calling everybody by their last names.
 
Rabbi Mendelchem’s Drasha
 
Sabbat Shalom vChag Sameach
 
Did you build your Sukkah yet?... Because you don't listen. I told you to build it right after Yom Kippur... Can’t trust you… Because you don't listen. Can’t depend on you guys for anything…

We’re going to start giving Maftir to the Kiddish Club people… This way you have to be inside for the Haftorah reading… You didn’t even check. Fifteen people left and we had no Minyin for Rosh Hashana Musaf… I understand social distancing. But, you were sitting together outside… You drank together. So, if it’s not in shul, you don’t need to distance…It’s about depending on people…
 
Want to thank Fitzy for helping with High Holiday seating. You're dependable Fitzy… Also want to thank Broyman, Finkelstein and Goldfarb… Our shul needs to be cooler… It’s cooler to use last names…
 
I regret to say, I don’t understand a word that is said in this week's Parsha... There is something about heavens listening and the earth hearing. I am not going to lie. This is too much for your rabbi. You hired me because of my charisma. I did give some good sermons for the High Holidays over the years. You must admit your rabbi did good… I went out to drink with the Kiddish club a couple times. Kiruv...
I understood the Rashi, which teaches that Moshe called upon the earth and heavens as witnesses. That was in Hebrew… This other stuff about ‘chirvivim,’ I have no clue… ‘As witnesses,’ because they will always be there, Fitzy. Unlike the witness in the trial last week of our good friend, Maydit the gambler guy who doesn’t pay dues, who backed out of the case for some reasons of death threats to his family… The heavens and earth which will reward and punish us… No. The earth and heaven did not threaten anybody… They’re not part of the mob... It[s not an ancient Moshe Mob. Capone wasn’t summoning them for a hit…
Just do good stuff. That is the lesson… They’re better witnesses…
 
I didn't learn this kind of Hebrew in Hebrew school. I don't even know if this is Hebrew.
I learned words like אתה, הם, תשמע. Not יערף כתמר לקחי. I don't know what that is. If it is Hebrew, then it is a different dialect…
Yes. People were smart back then. They understood stuff about dew and how it affects us on a daily basis. I would translate it if I could, but I don’t understand it. I have no clue what’s going on… I am going to study this language so I can explain this to you next year. I thought 'vav HaHeepuch'- the 'vav' that changes the past to present was complicated enough…
I can't even understand the translations. 'Firmament'??? That's harder to understand than the Hebrew...
 
All I know is that I can depend on the heavens and the earth. We need witnesses for what I am dealing with… They're dependable... At least the heavens and the earth didn't mess up the Simcha last week... The tablecloths looked just as bad as the Aron's curtain. Did Sadie and Fran sew them together too?
Yom Kippur was messed up… You can’t even open the ark right… This Yom Kippur can’t happen again… The heavens were in shock… We need ark lessons. Everyone of you spaces out… That’s why none of you would make good witnesses. Moshe couldn’t have trusted you… You miss it… No. You missed it. We had to call your name. We screamed out ‘Finkelstein’... Five times, 'FInkelstein. It's time for you. To open the ark'... They pointed. They headnoded you to the ark... You finally came up. You see. you forgot you went up… Then, you open it the wrong way. Thank Gd there was no dew… 15 minutes later, they can’t remember they were supposed to go up where it says ‘open ark.’ They told you ‘Aleynu’… We need ark opening rehearsals…
 
There were a lot of poetic liberties taken in this week's Torah portion. But Moshe can do that… That is the lesson… Because you take liberties. You make dumb decisions and assume the earth isn’t listening. That’s why the shul’s front yard has patches in it. It’s mad. You even make the earth angry, Schwartzie…
 
That is why we need to study. Breishit is coming up next week. Another year if Torah. Are you going to try to understand it this year? Are you Hebrew school teachers going to educate the next generation and stop teaching the cheezy song 'HaKova Sheli Shalosh Pinot Shalosh Pinot Hammmmmm Sheli’? There is nothing like that in the Torah and 'mmmmm' is not a Hebrew word... There are better Purim songs... I cannot promise that I will understand HaAzinu by next year...
May we be rewarded this year by the heavens and earth with decent teachers, so our next generation isn't a bunch of fools...
 
Let’s see what the Artscroll says.
The earth hears… It hears you talking when you come back from the Kiddish club… the whole shul does hear you… You're loud. That's one of the reasons... (Devarim 32:1) ‘Give ear heavens and I will speak, and the earth will hear the words of my mouth.’  Because you deny everything I say… Rashi says that they will outlive Moshe and therefore, they are witnesses. Moshe says, ‘I am only man. Tomorrow I will die… heaven and earth are witnesses that last forever…’ We all remember how badly Yankel messed up at his Bar Mitzvah. The heaven and earth will remember that forever. 'Yankel didn't prepare. He was not dependable.'
You’re messing up… Worst Bar Mitzvah gifts... No. He didn't deserve them. You messed up the word 'VaYomer' Yankel...
I am going to call on the heavens to be a bit of witness that our congregation is messing up and that we don’t deserve dew… We're not even in Israel. Don't worry about the dew.
 
Finkelstein. You were yawning during the Ashamnus… You expect H’ to forgive that… It’s better than Godlfarb… Your whole section was loving it… I have never seen people singing so happily about their sinning… The earth heard that. Getting all involved in the Ashamnu tune ‘Ay Ay… I sinned… I partied… I had a great time…’
No. Mr. Cotter was not loving it… He doesn’t sin… Neither does Fran… They missed out on all the fun…
I look at the congregation and I see a bunch of sinners. I feel like I am praying for you... We say 'we sinned' and not 'I sinned,' because you people mess up so much... You need my prayers.

Of course no money came into Israel Bonds... The Appeal cards weren’t handed out. You messed them up… what good is my appeal when there are no cards… Need the card flipping… If they can't flip the tab, they're not giving to the shul...
The earth is hearing, but you are not hearing it... You spit on it... I tried raising money for the environment, but no cards with flippy tabs were given to anybody... That's why nobody gave...
 
And we want to welcome Maurice, our new congregant… Listen. Just moved to Topeka at 85 years of age to start his life… 

When we call to H’ give Him greatness. Do you not realize what H' does for us... No. You messed up the ark opening. Don't blame Gd for not being dependable. You thank Gd...
(Devarim 32:6) ‘A vile and not wise generation. Is He not your Father? Your Maker? He made you and formed you.’  You messed up. 

Rivka’s Notes on Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon
 
The fact that the rabbi could give a sermon without having any idea what the Torah is saying is was makes our rabbi unique. That’s why we love him.
The rabbi started going to advanced Hebrew classes, till he realized the teacher couldn't translate HaAzinu. 
 
Due to the board's decision and the rabbi's idea of giving them Maftir, Kiddish Club had to stay in for the Haftorah. They got mad at each other when the others left. They started drinking in shul.
The Haftorah is like a test for these guys. They stumble over the words. One of them becomes very animated on the last blessings. I believe he thinks we forget how badly he read the Navi part of the Haftorah. He goes out like a champ.

No more Book of Our Heritage in English. The rabbi is making all the Bar Mitzvah kids read it in Hebrew. He insists that they don't read enough Hebrew and mess up the layning too much.
 
Ark opening lessons went well. In the end, Finkelstein was teaching people how to pull the string. When Finkelstein is awake, he is the best ark opener we have (other than the kids that go up for Anim Zemirot). He kept on saying, ‘pull the back one… that’s not the right page. You’ve got to lick your fingers to turn the page, or you’re going to miss it… No. The back one.’
 
Now that the rabbi is calling everybody by last names, it feels like camp. The problem is that all the Finkelstein kids think the rabbi is talking to them too. Later that week, the decision was made to only call single people by their last names.

Maurice joining the shul at 85 was amazing. He paid his dues. Very old hat. The first meeting the rabbi had with Maurice, he told him 'Israel would’ve been a better idea.'
 
It turned out that Maydit was involved in gambling. He had to steal to support his gambling.

After much argument, it was decided that investing is not Tzedakah. So, it was decided that Israel Bonds is not charity. Depending on the year of investment, many congregants now believe the return is less than the charity they get for not working in the USA.
There are flippy tab cards now at all seats, at all times. Many people have developed Tzedakah tics, as they are scared of the constant thought of giving charity. They see the flippy tabss and they start twitching.