Sermons of Rebuke: VaYelech

by Rivka Schwartz

Dr. Maydit stole money from the local bank. He then broke into the art gallery. It was a local school exhibit, called ‘Stuff The Parents Would’ve Thrown Out.’ He also takes money from the poor and gives to the rich. He’s like a modern day Robin Hood. And he gives money to the shul.
 
The Old people are now coloring their hair some kind of orange red thing. Don’t know who’s convinced them that it looks good. I think the eyes go and they think ‘that looks like a redhead.’ They take the redhead part literally. They ignore the fact it’s orange.
Now the older congregants are licking their fingers. I can’t use a siddur to daven anymore. All the pages are stuck together.
 
The rabbi was really mad about the Rosh Hashana tunes. He literally took the Bima. He kicked the Chazin off and took over. Then he started singing the tunes he loves. He started with the Mordechai Ben David (MBD) stuff. People were in shock when he threw in a Carlebach.
The MBD songs are perfectly sad. That reflected everybody's mood when they realized how much they sinned. Especially the sinners who were trying to harmonize with the Chazin. Sinner enablers was a new concept spoken about in the rabbi's class on Teshuva, and they definitely have to repent for enabling the Chazin.
The rabbi was so happy the rest of the week, humming the tunes, even on Tzom Gedaliah. It was a fast day and he felt it. It was inspirational to see him. I have never seen somebody so content in being a sinner and singing about how bad they are. 
 
For the sake of community Shalom, there was a Simcha seating chart workshop. You’ve got to know who not to sit next to each other at Bar Mitzvahs. Many community fights were caused by poor seating arrangements. I still don't know how Frank ended up at the kids' table.
 
Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon
 
Shabbat Shalom vChatima Tova
 
Oy Oy Oy Oy Bratzon… Sorry. Still thinking of the Rosh Hashana songs I sung… Love them… Once I kicked the Chazin off the Bima, it was great…
You’re a felon… You’re not opening the ark on Yom Kippur… you stole huge funds… It’s in the news… we’re taking the money. That’s fine… No Kibudim. No honors… You couldn’t even sponsor a Kiddish… It was 3 million. In the news. At least some whitefish salad.
You also stole his seat… You sat in the wrong seat for Rosh Hashana… That's stealing. Just one more thing to ask forgiveness for this High Holiday season... It's not the season of forgiveness. It's the season of asking for forgiveness... Yes. And giving money to shul. This is an appeal...
 
Chazin did the wrong tunes again… You’re probably going to get the 'Ki Anu Amecha' on Yom Kippur wrong… Need the beat down…

I can’t do this anymore.
 
Moshe tells the people he cannot lead anymore. Moshe is getting old… I’m forty-eight. It’s enough… (Devarim 31:2) 'I am 120...I cannot go out and come anymore.' He was too tired to work anymore. Because you Jewish people burn a man out…
I don't know if I can work with this congregation anymore, either. You always ask for help here, help there. Figure out the Halacha for yourself. For crying out loud. I am now also thinking about retiring, unless if I get a raise... Who told you to get red metallic hair dye??? Figure things out.
120 years old and you’re still asking him questions. ‘Can you put hot gravy on cold meat?’… Learn the laws of Shabbat. Open up a Sefer… That’s a book. Another question. You see.
 
None of you repent. The Chazin doesn’t repent. Dr. Maydit with his three million… You couldn’t even give candies to the kids. Be a candy man at least… And now the olde people are coloring their hair metallic orange. Red. I don't know… It’s not a color. Ronald McDonald is not Jewish…
 
Yom Kippur is coming up. How about asking your rabbi for forgiveness. For stealing his time. For parking in his spot… And you stole my parking spot…
 
Rashi says that Moshe said that Moshe says ‘Today I have filled my days and years. This day I was born. This day I will die…’ I got hired on Yom Kippur. I was in shul and you offered me a job. The rabbi was giving a sermon and Bernie walked over to me in the middle of it and asked if I wanted to work… He was mad that the rabbi was saying that it’s important to repent… It is important, Bernie… The day you hired me was like death...
Rashi continues to comment on the words, ‘H’ said to me “you won’t cross the Jordan.”’ He says it’s because H’ said so. It was then that his wisdom was lost… H' gives us our wisdom and power. Moshe knew that was it. He came full circle... H' did not tell you to not go to Israel. That's a lie. Sadie. You should be going to Israel... Moshe was not trying to get out of a shul trip to the Holy Land... He would've enjoyed the falafel...
What have you done because H’ told you?... That’s the problem… You do stuff in this shul because you said to do it. And that’s why the Siddurs are all misDedicated… You dedicated it in memory of their great-grandchild’s granddaughter… They’re not even around… Moshe is saying he can’t lead the people who are there, and Yehoshua is going to take over…Because H’ said. It's all from H.' Even the misDedicated Siddurs. But you don't see it... You don't see it, because it's misDedicated... Next time, dedicate the Siddur to H.' How about that...
Let’s play a game of H’ said… H’ said you are sinners.
 
Who is going to lead? H' will lead you. It says Joshua. But we know it's H'...
Have a little faith. Go fight the wars by yourselves… The inter-shul basketball league is going to start and H' is not on our side… We don't hear H' telling us to be (31:6) 'strong and courageous' because you're sinners... 
This is when Moshe steps down… He had to answer too many questions… Learn the Halachas already. If there would’ve been a Mishna Berura, Moshe might have continued a bit… He said he was old and tired, but he didn’t decay at all… He just got sick of having to answer questions... Yes. Sukkot is coming up. Build a Sukkah. You see. I have to answer these questions still. Can't look it up on the internet...
Song Break. Mey'eylitz Yoshe...
 
Speaking of grandparents. Metallic orange red hair??? I have no idea if it’s orange or red. That’s not a hair color… No. It doesn’t look good… It works on cars. We know… Ronald McDonald is not Jewish… His houses are beautiful… Because he donated money…
 
The point is that time is of the essence. There are wars to fight. You’re wasting your time with baseball cards… Teshuva. You only have 120 years…
 
Give the kids baseball cards… We need more kids to love shul… They hate it because they don’t get candy… They need candy. That’s why they come to shul… Cards? You won’t even give cards. You’re stealing them, but you won’t give the kids cards. And you expect me to lead this… Kids come to shul for convenience store items...
 
Sorry I was singing the tunes the whole day… The Rosh Hashana tunes are still in my mind. Love the MBD...
Yes. It’s Shabbat Shuva and that was a Drasha… Repent… Repent. I can’t lead these sinners anymore… You see. I have to tell you to repent. Just do it. Stop asking me...
 
And stop licking your fingers. It’s disgusting. The pages don’t turn anymore. We have cigar lick on some of the pages as well… The pages don’t age that fast, Bernie. We bought them two years ago… COVID means nothing when you’re reading. You have masks, sanitizer, PPE, but when you’re turning pages… It’s disgusting. Teshuva. Repent for your disgustingness… I can’t lead you because you’re dirty and carrying disease. I’m too old to be near your disgustingness.

If you want me to continue, the older people have to dye their hair normal... The color is 'normal'... Brown will do. I can't lead metallic orange congregants... It's not racism. It's not a haircolor... No more licking paper. All Siddurs are going to have a wash down. And no more asking me questions... That was a question... No speeches from congregants either... Because at QandAs you each give a speech... No. You didn't ask a question last time, Bernie. You shared your political thoughts and ended it with an upper note... A high note at the end of a two paragraph statement is not a question... And no more sitting me with...
Did they ever apologize to Moshe?
 
Rivka’s Thoughts on Rabbi Mendelechem’s Drasha
 
The rabbi stood up to Dr. Maydit. He didn’t want a felon opening the ark. I think he was afraid he would steal the Torah. And to note. He stole, but he didn’t pay his dues.
The rabbi's abilities to turn any sermon into an appeal and reprimanding is amazing.
The dedication to H' siddur campaign brought no money to the shul. There was not one congregant that claimed to be a relative to Gd.

Rosh Hashana seating was messed up. The chart was put together by the Grosefelds, who had put Frank at the kids table.
One guy stood at the Chazin’s spot. He stood right at the prayer table. Put his siddur up on the table. He claimed that it wasn’t marked. The rabbi had to explain that it’s because it wasn’t a seat. It’s where services are led from.
Nobody in the shul went over to him to tell him. Nobody says anything in our shul. Somebody could be dancing and people would feel it proper to let them go, jumping around the shul. Nobody would go over and tell them, ‘It’s Yizkur.’ Mr. Simlowitz would say that our loved ones who passed would love to see dancing. The Yizkur tune does not call for dancing.

Cards and candies were in abundance at shul for the next month. Kids from all over town were coming. Even adults were coming to get the cards. Non-Jewish adults were lining up during Musaf.
 
The MBD tunes were amazing.
The rabbi protested the barber who was giving those haircuts.
All the sudden, the shul wanted a long Shabbat Shuva Drasha. They didn’t feel like the rabbi gave them enough time to repent.
His message of 'Repent' said it all.
 
The rabbi kept his job afterwards. He got a bit of a raise. That’s all he wanted. He was truly fine with Dr. Maydit, after he paid his dues and ensured the rabbi’s raise.
 
The rabbi didn’t speak much of COVID, but he did speak about how people should follow the rules of social distance, to not sneeze on him. He also made it clear that people were disgusting before the whole COVID thing. That’s why they had to tell people to clean themselves.
He insists to not shake anybody's hand, until they have proven their ability to only sneeze into their left hand, as he always shakes with the right. I believe elbow pounding is going to be happening for a while in shul. I hope that Max doesn't injure anybody else with his elbow attacks.