Why I Love America & July 4th

by Shmulik Itzkovitz

I think this guy stole the flags. That's why he's running. The only difference for Israelis, with this July 4th celebration taking place in America, is that there are Palestinian flags here. it's beautiful to see them showing support for America too. They're probably standing on the side of the road because they didn't steal those flags and they're following traffic rules. (photo credit to the NY Times, whose photographer didn't stop any of this)

I ehhh visitie Amerikai summer. I see Jewly four. I love eet. Eet ehhh say 'Amerika greaty.' Dees why I love US of A and Jewly ehhh four.

Freedom to Practice Religion
I get off side of highway I do ehhh standie. I say Amidah prayer and I go to peeee. Just like in Israel. On side of highway we ehhh standie to peee and to pray. Even better, in US of A they have zis sing called 'restroom.' You go to pee and you fall asleep. So, I fall asleep and I wake up and zen I do Amidah prayer. It's on side of highway, but I get to go insidie.
Oh. Ehhh lots of shuls in Amerikai. Heree are eeeh lot of shuls that I will never step foot in. I heareee zis from Amerikai. I like ehhh no go shul. Shul made for Jewy to no go. In Israeli, we make shul so Jew go.

Anti-Semitism
It exists, but Americai are ehhh generally too proper to say it in a nasty way. Zey so nice. Zey say 'I ehhh no like Jew.' I say, 'Sank you. Very nice of you. I come again.' It like ehhh zey greet, 'Shalom velcome, we no want you.' 
I no go back country club. Zey say 'Jew no welcome hearie.' I say, 'I go, as long as zees no shul.'
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OU on Everything
Everysing is kosher. Everywhere. I sink. I no know. I sink it kosher. It say OU or OR. It ehhh look same. I eat. Happy Jewly Four, sank you to Hashgacha kosher 'OR' on package.

Freedom of Expression
We can complain about anti-Semitism. In Israel, you complain, nobody care.

Shopping
Always ehhh great deal. Salie everywhere.
Ehhh I no need go shuk. I go Marshall, TJ, Kohly. Zey ehhh mitmakeyach, bargainy, for ehhh me. Zey say $100, zen cross out, and writie 50. Zen I see 10 dolllarie. Store bargainie for me. Ehhh it like shuk wees no argumenty. Zeh taggy fight wis eetselfie. Eet ehh say, 'no, I only payie $10.' I say 'sank you.' 
I see clearance rackie. I sink somebody lie.

BBQs
Ehhh celebrate Jewly of Four wis ehhh BBQ. I sought I was celebrating Israel Independence Day. I guess it's something we do around zeh vorld ehhh. Eet weird ehhh to see Amerikai celebratee Yom HaAtzmaut on ehhh Jewly of Four. I say zem, 'You supposed to do eeen ehhh May, zeh latest. Sometime Apreeel.' Even ehhh, I say sank you for ehhh BBQ for Israeli independent on Jewly of Four. Very nice of you. Sank you to Canada for ehhh our independence too.
Ehhh. We love BBQs. In Israeli, we do ehhh BBQ. Ehhh we call it ehhh Mangal. It's ehhh small. US of A do BBQ ehhh it huge. I sink ehhh size of BBQ eet ehhhh eees size of peeopolee. Amerikai ehhh beeg, ehhh cause ehhh BBQ ehhh beeeg.

Sunday and Monday Off
Israeli. We no even Sunday off. Hereee eet ehhh Sunday vMonday. Zees two day!!! Wallah. Ehhh zees independence. No go work, zees independence. Independence for Israeli. Sank you. Lovie Amerikana.

National Holidays
Zeees ehhh another day off. 
We have ehhh to get off for our holidays, and then walla! We also have to take off for zehh national holidays. Zeees working in Amerikaina zees summer makie good. Lovie. No work Sunday or holiday. It's ehhh good to be ehhh religious in Amerikai. Country give ehhh off holiday of country. Very religious country. 

Fire Workers
Zey ehhh have ehhh fire workers. Zey ehhh go boom. In ehhh Israeli, we ehhh hearee fire workers, ehhh we no know if ehhh zees war or wedding in Ramallah. Eizer way, we hearie boom and ehhh we go inside.
It ehhh boom, it ehhh bomb, we no know. Zees ehhh not ehhh Amerikai Jewishie songie, 'Booom Bomb Booom Booom Bomb, cheerie cheerie Boom Bomb.' We hearie boom, we no cheerie cheerie. It not way ehhh we say 'Shabbat Shalom,'

I now in New York. I love. It's like Israelie wis ehhh more ehhh Jews. I say 'Shalom' and they say 'Shalom.'
I love ehhh zis holiday. Not as much as Yom HaAtzmaut. Ehhh, it weird Amerikai no have ehhh Independence Day, just Jewly of Four. But ehhh I love zey make holiday just for Jew. Maybe it for my friend Jewly. I don't know.

Jewly Four Sameach

***Note: The Kibbitzer wrote his article through dictation of Shmulik. We gave up on spellcheck with the word 'ehhhh.'
Some of the 'this's had more 'e's. We left as is. We believe Shmulik is still celebrating Israeli Independence Day of July 4th, as we received this article three weeks ago and have not had another contribution from him since. We are writing this note after the 4th of July. If you see an Israeli running around with an American and Israeli flag, please contact us.