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I’m inspired. Last week, we spoke of Shlock Rock. Since then, I had a couple of hours and catch this, I came up with some Jewish parody songs. I listened to Simon and Garfunkel’s ‘The Concert in Central Park,’ and I banged out an album.
I even thought of some other new songs to add to the lexicon of Jewish music. I figure that my lyrics will help to educate. I believe I’m onto something here. I woke up this morning, listened to the good times oldies station, and I think I am ready to bang out a second album. I only need to think of a couple more songs. Maybe I'll take a Whitney Houston song. I think I can go Platinum.
Here are the new Simon and Garfunkel songs that I am willing to donate to Lenny Solomon and Shlock Rock, if they pay me.
Sitting Shteygin' Away
tune of 'Slip Slidin' Away' by Simon and Garfunkel
Lyrics: Sitting Shteyging Away. Sitting Shteyging Away Ay Ay Ay.
When you're sitting in the Beis Medrish, the more you're sitting Shteyging away.
He had a student (I ran out of lyrics).
Lesson: Shteyging is learning Torah. You do that in the Beis Medrish, house of Torah study. It's also known as a Beit Midrash by those who try to speak a proper Hebrew and don't learn there.
tune of ‘Mrs. Robinson’ by Simon and Garfunkel
Lyrics: Shalom Rabbi Bergman. H’ loves you more than you will know…
Lesson: The song was very disturbing the first time I heard it. ‘Hey Mrs. Robinson. Jesus loves you more than you will know.’ Is Paul Simon not Jewish? Should he not be singing about Gd? I would think he should be greeting people with 'Shalom' too.
Wake Up Little Shlomie
tune of ‘Wake Up Little Susie’ by Simon and Garfunkel
Lyrics: Wake up little Shlomie. Wake up… We both fell sound asleep… We missed Kriat Shema, and the time’s gonna pass for Shacharit. Wake up little Shlomie…
Lesson: You only have till the fourth hour of the day to say Shacharit. Shema has to be said by the third hour. Missing the Zman, time for Shema or Shacharit, is when you've really got to worry about your reputation.
I’ve seen people say ‘ooh la la’ when they showed up to shul late. Everybody knows something happened the night before. Probably a big Shabbat meal.
This song is written by The Everly Brothers. Now I lost all respect for Simon and Garfunkel. They didn't even have the decency to change the lyrics.
A Heart in Jerusalem
tune of 'A Heart in New York' by Simon and Garfunkel
Lyrics: Jerusalem, you're like a scene from all the Bible… Then some people made movies. Jerusalem…
Lesson: Any song with ‘Jerusalem’ in it is Jewish gold; especially ‘Jerusalem of Gold.’ I was looking to write a hit, so I used a hit.
Haifa Shuk Friend
tune of ‘Scarborough Fair’ by Simon and Garfunkel
Lyrics: Are you going to Haifa shuk friend. Zatar, cumin, hawaij, charif. Remember me, when you are there. Bring me shwarma and a green pear.
Explanation: The shuk has the spices, as well as shwarma and fruit. They always have pears. And I like pears. I should add, I like them green.
I would have asked my friend for the pear. I probably would’ve put it in the fridge for a bit, as I find them more refreshing cold. However, the verse setup doesn’t allow for my friend to put it in my fridge. I would’ve eaten the shwarma while the pear was in the fridge. Then, I would’ve had the pear for dessert. I want you to understand why I wrote the lyrics like this, and why they are Jewishly meaningful. And the shuk is like a fair.
The Sound of Silence
tune of ‘The Sound of Silence’ by Simon and Garfunkel
Lyrics: Taking three steps back. It’s the silent Amidah. It’s the sound of silence...
Shalom Shmoolie my old friend. I’m sitting next to you again. Your siddur is sliding onto me. Why are you standing so close to me. And we take three steps back and forward. You can’t complain. It’s the sound of silence.
Lesson: Why change the title when it’s so good? Was going to change the name of the song, but then people would wonder what it’s parodying. So, I kept the name the same.
The song is about the Amidah. The silent prayer. That should explain the silence. Many have parodied this song. However, not many have talked about how you must be silent in shul. Again, MEANING. That’s what Jewish parodies are about; the lesson.
I was going to go with ‘Shalom Itzkik my old friend. I’ve come to buy from you again. But your prices are really high. Last time my melon had a fly… It’s the sound of silence.’ I’ve had many uncomfortable experiences in the shuk with shopkeepers. Though, we decided to go with shul, as we wanted to keep the song on the lighter, more fun side, for you. I think ‘Haifa Shuk Friend’ says it all.
Who could’ve thought that writing Jewish songs could be so meaningful? When seeing these songs, the word ‘brilliant’ comes to mind. I’m glad I was able to add to the Jewish song catalogue.
Next time I will bring you some non-Paul Simon inspired songs, with fine lyrics like ‘Shimon Shimon Ko Ko Bop’ and ‘Aleph Bet, it’s as easy as Sheva Chet.’ And don’t forget ‘Come On Rabbi Light The Fire’ by The Dor vDors and Mordechai Stein, with lyrics like ‘Check all the jars of pickles too. Make sure that they have an OU. We'll let you throw it all away, if you find Triangle K… Come on rabbi light the fire. Come rabbi light the fire... And please go turn on the deep fryer...’
Thanks to Shlock Rock it's Jewish tradition to write songs that are aldeady written. It’s so much easier to write songs without having to write the melodies. If l stole any tunes from Shlock Rock's parodies by accident, I am sorry, and I hope I am not in violation of any copyright infringement. I can’t wait till we parody Weird Al, if that’s allowed.
Please share the songs you love, and I will be sure to turn it into your favorite Jewish pastime. I will turn your favorite hit into a hit. It’s our way of giving back to the Jewish community.
One more shout out to Simon and Garfunkel. I couldn't have done this without you.
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I was going to do Kaparos before Yom Kippur, but I chickened out.
You get it? Kaparos is the tradition of placing your sins on something else, the day before Yom Kippur, traditionally a chicken, and waiving it. He chickened out of the chicken. He might've done it with money in the end. But that would still be without a chicken.
Designated stroller parking area. Something every shul needs, so I can get through the entrance on Yom Kippur... Truth is they should have stroller parking all the time. The entrance is always blocked.
Problem: Merv and Bernie will end up parking there. They already take the disabled parking spots and walk just fine. When it comes to parking, every member of our congregation is disabled.
Side Note: Figured out why so many kids come to shul on Yom Kippur. Because they get to eat in shul on Yom Kippur.