Sermons of Rebuke II: Ki Tisa

by Rivka Schwartz

Announcements
Note from the Rabbi: I got the worst Mishloach Manot again. Here is a list of stuff that is forbidden to put in Mishloach Manot next year, all of which were in the basket I got from the Perlwitz family: Lemon wafers, thimble sized alcohol you stole from ELAL, poppy seed Hamentashen- because nobody likes it, papers you need to recycle, and anything you need to get out of your house so that you have less to clean for Pesach.
 
We will be honoring the Feldenwitz family with a Kiddish. We don't believe they deserve a dinner. A Kiddish should be enough for them. They like gefilte fish balls and not enough people like them to raise money for the shul.
 
Sleeping on Shabbat is a good thing, as Shabbat is the day of rest. Even so, the rabbi does request that you don't sleep during his sermon.
 
The Pesach Cleaners are now out and open for business. They're charging fifty-five dollars an hour. They said that's a good deal. They will charge less if they don't have to hear parents screaming at their kids.
 
Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...

(Shemot 30:12) When counting 'let each person give atonement for their soul to H'... so there won't be a plague when counting.' This congregation just needs to do atonement... There already is a plague in this shul. A plague of bad Mishloach Manot.
To give atonement means giving money. Nobody here gives money. There is a plague of cheap in this congregation right now... Would you call give me a can of peas that expires in 2028 a good gift? Well. That's what I got in my Mishloach Manot... Then you should've thrown it out. If you didn't want it, you should've thrown it out. Now, my house is full of a plague of stuff I have to clean before
Pesach. Because of your Mishloach Manot...
 
How many are here? Do we even have a Minyin? I think we have a Minyin of people who donated nothing to the shul. But I wouldn't know... We can't count in this shul because you people don't don't give anything. If you donated...
You did give me poppy seed Hamntashen. If we counted how many Hamentashen that I got in my Mishloach Manot, we would have a Minyin...

No. We are not counting people.
Rashi teaches that the evil eye has power over the Minyin... We don't want more evil here... No. A half shekel is not a fundraiser... Numbering things. Minyin... In our case, this Minyin is an evil eye. Just look at Bernie… That’s an evil eye. He’s also mad about having to clean your trash… Yes. That’s what your Mishloach manot is. Stuff you wanted to throw out.

(Shemot 30:13-15) Half a shekel. That's it... Or two or three half shekels... Don't ask me. It's complicated.
The rich don't give more and the poor don't give less... It doesn't say 'nobody gives anything... Well that's the tradition of our shul.
Give something.
If everybody would just give a decent Hamentashen. Rich and poor... I don't need an artisan poppy seed Hamentash... I know the rich in our shul don't give anything. And they keep the chocolate Hamentashes for themselves. What I am trying to say is the rich are selfish. And you can't build a Temple like that.

None of you put your heart and soul into what you gave. I know, because I got Mishloach Manot from you... Next year. Put in a shekel to atone for your poor judgement.
It’s a month before Pesach and now I've got crumbs of leavened poppy seed. It's Asur to have Chametz before Pesach and you are Asur.

Put your heart into Kiddish. Are the Feldenwitzs that unimportant that they get a Kiddish?!... I understand it's about raising money for the shul. Nobody would get anything for giving a half shekel on behalf of the Feldenwitzs... Your just not successful enough for people to like, Simmy...

When people give money, you can make a decent washing stand and basin. A Kiyor. Unlike the washing station outside the sanctuary with a plastic cup... I know it's a Natlan. It's the stuff you use in the bathroom.
They were able to use copper because people gave money.
If you spent something on your Mishloach Manot. Just a little. I wouldn’t have had peas that nobody wants… It doesn’t even have a tab. I have to find a can opener. A non-copper can opener. That’s how bad the peas are.
 
And there were rules for how you had to make the Kiyor. That is why we now have Mishloach Manot rules...
A lot of evil here. Evil and no half shekels.
 
Rivka’s Rundown
The rabbi went through the bad Mishloach Manot. He described each item and why it is wrong. And how this is not what Mordechai had in mind when he suggested gift baskets to celebrate. 'You don’t celebrate a month before Pesach with crumbs.' Which is why the rabbi also declared that all Hamentashen must be of soft pastry.

The rabbi almost called off the Mitzvah altogether. Though, I don't think he has to. most of our congregants don't know what Mishloach Manot are. They think it's a plastic bag with a clown on it.
Whoever started writing Thank Yous for Mishloach Manot is an idiot. Mordechai definitely didn't think it was a good idea to have to write Thank Yous. Those things kill every decent Bar Mitzvah gift. I say it's not a real gift if I have to write a Thank You. I would rather buy something for them and make them go through the hassle of writing a Thank You card. Thank You letters are like a punishment for knowing people who give you bad gifts.
 
The rabbi called the people Asur. Amazing.
 
As the rabbi stated that there are too many people falling asleep during his sermons and it is hurting his feelings. That was not smart. Now, the whole back left section brings eye-masks. They were eye-masks for Purim to sleep when the rabbi was talking.
 
Nobody cares about the Feldenwitzs. If you truly don’t want to honor them, they might as well give Simmy Galilah. That's a smack in the face. That's what you do for unimportant people who don't have a lot of money, and volunteer and devote their lives to the shul.
 
The poor people didn’t like the idea of a half shekel. They said it’s too much.
The rabbi’s idea of half shekel Mishloach Manot though was a great idea.

The Pesach Cleaners demanded their money back from the shul for the advertisement in the announcements. They said the shul misrepresented them. The only business they got were shirts that needed to be dry-cleaned.

If we learned anything. The Beis Hamikdash would never have been built with bad Mishloach Manot.