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This week's Torah reading is a double Parsha. You may want to show up late. It is going to be painful. To make it worse, the Bar Mitzvah boy is going to read a couple of the Aliyahs.
Rule: Dad's are not allowed near their children when their kids lead services. The dad standing there like a helicopter Jew adds to much time to the services, and it causes people to hate your child.
The weather is cold again. You can use that as your excuse for why you never come to shul.
The community Shabbat dinner is this coming Shabbat. We are going to have fore spice sized plates, as Cheryl found a way to pile up the whole shnitzel platter on her plate last year.
Don't eat at the Katzenbergs for Shabbat lunch. They have no idea how to make a decent potato kugel. They will kill your Shabbis afternoon.
The shul's Kugel Bakeoff is to take place next week. Do not worry. We have disqualified the Katzenbergs from joining.
Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
(Shemot 35:1) 'Moshe gathered all the community of Israel...' I can't even gather you guys for Hamotzie... Everybody washed and we were waiting... Why does everybody think that when we go to wash, they should have a conversation?! You never want to talk to these people, except for when you're washing for bread...
He didn't gather the Israelites to hear a Bar Mitzvah boy read... I don't care that it was six months ago. It's painful. The kid pronounces the words.
If it was the Katzenberg's Kugel, nobody would've showed. You couldn't gather people with that thing. There's a reason nobody showed to shul to honor Siril Katzenberg's graduation... They knew that you made the Kugel.
He told them what they are commanded... There are commandments. Requirements. Such as Minyin... Yes. Show up. That's my command. The shul needs a Minyin...
Starts with Shabbat. If we could get a Minyin on Shabbat.
After the commandment of Shabbat, we see the concept of people giving stuff to the Temple and the services.... When people come together they give to the place of worship... All you do is complain about the shul. You don't show up and you complain...
The Katzenbergs giving Kugel is not appreciated… Of course it’s leftovers. Shouldn't that be a sing?!
I can't even call the community together because nobody here shares...
Sharing is a Mitzvah... You didn't share. To be a community, you share. You piled up your plate. You came back to the table and said you got it for them... They can get up. You got the shnitzel for yourself Cheryl. Then, you loaded up the cinnamon rugulach... Yes. Everybody loves the cinnamon rugulach. But you took it.
Next time, just take the platter, Cheryl… For your table?! They don’t even like the raspberry or apricot filling. I don’t even know why they make those cookies with apricot filling. Are they Hamentashen?... Exactly. Apricot jelly filling should only be used in Hamentashen… It’s tradition Cheryl. We have a holiday for apricot filling. Blueberry jam is for Pesach. You put it on the cream cheese. On the Matzah... Yeah. It tastes great.
Community doesn’t come to a Shabbis dinner and take all of the food for themselves. That’s why we have the smaller plates now... It's because of you Cheryl. It's because you don't trust people to take their own rugulach...
The only thing you share is bad jokes. It has to stop Mervin.
Everybody shared. They brought their valuables. Women gave bracelets and earrings... Nice ones. Not the ones with birds hanging. Whatever that Michal Negrin stuff you bought is.
They didn't give Katzenberg potato kugel... No. You cannot submit a potato kugel to the Bakeoff. That is not fair to other people. Your kugel is vile.
If that Bar Mitzvah kid was reading, the congregation would've said, 'We don't care if it's Shabbis. We are not going to take this abuse and show up to Minyin anymore. Get somebody who doesn’t enunciate'... They might have even hung you as his dad. Everybody hates your kid now... He lost of all his friends because you make him nervous and he stutters. He's developed a Haftorah tick to his left... That's where you stand. He can't even talk to his friends without looking over his shoulders, worried if he said the word loud enough...
Next time we do Hamotzie, let’s come together. It’s not a time to fill up your plate.
Moshe gathering the people would've been impossible if they were loading up their plates at the buffet instead of washing their hands for Hamotzie...
Such a beautiful message of Achdut, unity, so that people can start their dinner.
The people in the shul give nothing. When I say nothing, I mean nothing that anybody wants. Somebody donated a hand-me-down skirt she got from her older sister. She insisted it was very expensive, as it had sentimental value.
The shul dinner was messed up. The rabbi had to yell at people to call them together for Kiddish. He washed, and then he yelled, 'You can't talk after you wash.'
One of the kids must work as a waiter. The way they piled up the shnitzel on the new small plate is an art. I saw him sticking pieces in. It was a pyramid of shnitzel. A balancing act. The difference between the kid and Cheryl is that he insisted that he didn't get the shnitzel for the table. It was all for him.
Baruch's son just got Bar Mitzvahed half a year ago. When he reads, it's painful. His dad wants him to enunciate. The whole shul hates him now. They are waiting for him to protest his dad and mumble the words fast.
Truth is the whole congregation hates that family; almost as much as the Anim Zemirot kid. It's the dads that kill it for them.
New rule in the congregation. You can't lead unless you do it real fast. Pronouncing words is not appreciated by anybody, or allowed. I believe that if the people follow this we will get more members.
I think the rabbi ate at the Katzenbergs last week. He did not like their Kugel. He considered it a sin.
The Bakeoff went well. And the Katzenbergs enjoyed it, as they didn't have to eat their Kugel.
The rabbi had to explain the meaning behind the different jelly fillings and why raspberry should only be used on Sukkot. I think the main reason is that he likes the tartness.
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The Falafel of Etan
Israelis are very possessive of their falafel. Even when they have a shop, they don't like to share it… That's Etan. Standing over them while they eat. Making sure they don't run away with his falafel.