Sermons of Rebuke II: Vayikra

by Rivka Schwartz

Announcements
When the Gabai gives a quiet stare from the Bima, that means people should stop talking. We understand that it is hard to notice the Gabai in the midst of conversation. However, please be aware of the Gabai as it is very awkward for all of us. We all feel like we're in third grade and in trouble. Please be conscientious and take the blame. The longer the Gabai stands there, there more awkward it is.
 
Pesach cleaning must be done. Rosh Chodesh Nisan has passed and that means you should worry. Fear should be your first thought.
 
We are getting together to talk about Pinny. We are going to find him a Shidduch. Anybody with nieces or granddaughters, please help. Pinny needs our help. Seeing old single Pinny in shul is almost as awkward as the Gabai looking at me from the Bima.
 
Matzah is now a hundred and fifty dollars a pound. We are going to be collecting Kimcha DPischa for all of our congregants. We understand that the Feinblooms are wealthy, yet they cannot afford Matzah. Last year they sold a building and it still wasn't enough to feed their family for the last days.
 
Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
(Vayikra 1:1) 'And H' called to Moshe.' H' called. He wanted to speak to him. So, H' called him. How about from now on, I call you into my office when I want to speak to you. You don't pop into my office and say 'Hey rabbi...' I call in congregants I want to see...
No. I don't want to speak to you during Torah reading. I don't want to get in trouble by the Gabai. I don't want him staring at me... Pinny needs help. I am fine talking about getting Pinny married... Pathetic.

Why do I not want to talk to you? Because you complain. All you do is complain... I don't want your complaints. Though, I do know Matzah is way too expensive. I agree...

As Rashi teaches, 'Called... an expression of affection.' When was the last time you called your mom?!... We're talking about calling here. To call. Not to send a 'hello.' We're talking about picking up a phone and calling. Not an email...
Called up to the Torah... The Gabai only calls the people he likes... Well. Shmuli deserves an Aliyah, even though he's not your buddy... The Gabai doesn't like you. It's clear. He called you up for Anim Zmirot...
 
H' then tells Moshe how the people have to bring their offerings... There is no affection if you bring Karbanot messed up. H' doesn't want messed up offerings. He doesn't call us for that. If you don't do your part. If you don't clean your house for Pesach… If you give a messed up donation of eighteen dollars to the shul. H' doesn't want... Nobody wants eighteen dollars. I am going to start sending the Gabai to people's homes with the eighteen dollar check in hand, to stand at the door and stare at you... Yes. It's a disappointment. And as for Bar Mitzvah gifts... It makes the Bar Mitzvah boys cry...
A donation in honor of who? Whose life are you saving for eighteen dollars?! Do you know how many more congregants we need to pay my contract at eighteen dollars?!...
Would H' accept an eighteen dollar sacrifice?! No. Because at eighteen dollars you're sacrificing nothing. H' wouldn't call for that... The Machatzit HaShekel was different. It's a different currency...

The Gabai put his hand on Bima… You don’t continue when his hand is there and he’s staring at the shul. Are you even a Chazin?!...
It’s not about you Pinny. We all feel like failures when he looks at us. We all feel like Pinnys… Why? Because you’re not married.
You can’t be happy… Because you’re not married…
I didn’t say marriage was the way to happiness. Just that you’re not married. Are you even cleaning for Pesach…
No. You can’t clean on Shabbis. Why do you think Frum homes are not clean… That’s why I don’t eat in your homes. They’re too clean.
Cleaning is not the sacrifice. We need to sacrifice for Pinny. He needs our help. Pathetic... Let's chip in to pay for Pinny to go on a date... Eighteen dollars is not enough!!!
 
Rivka’s Rundown
Finally, somebody stood up to the eighteen dollar Chai donations. Finally. It took our rabbi. He even said he would leave the shul with one more eighteen dollar donation, in fear that the shul would go bankrupt and not be able to pay his salary.
The rabbi started offering group counseling to kids who got eighteen dollar gifts. It turns out that many of the Bar and Bat Mitzvah kids were thinking about leaving Yiddishkeit, after they saw what their friends got for Christmas.

Gavin hasn't got an Aliyah in years. He's not loved. No affection. The Gabai hates him. He's been relegated to Galilah and Tzedakah box carrier.

People got sentimental with the calling your mom concept. The rabbi should've done an appeal then. He would've got money. He should've said, 'When was the last time you called your mom? There is an appeal card on your seat for the new addition to our building.' Once he said 'mom' people were willing to give more than eighteen dollars. His Yom Kippur appeal should be about moms. 'This Yom Kippur, think of your mom and give the shul a lot...'
Some people tried making a phone call after shul, but for reason of affection and keeping the laws of Shabbat, the rabbi smacked them.
 
I have never seen so much anxiety in a shul. People were so worried about Pesach cleaning. The lady had developed a Pesach tic. Every Siddur she touched, she took a tissue and started cleaning it. Later, when she shook my hand, she rubbed it down with a baby wipe.
 
Between us, the Gabai stared too long. They weren’t that loud.
 
Due to people not noticing the quiet stare from the Bima, in the midst of their passionate conversation, the Gabai has started going around to ask people to be quiet. The Gabai found that with all the talking, there are too many places to be. We now have six Gabais whose job it is to keep people quiet. The shul is thinking of hiring an extra security guard to bounce congregants from shul, and to scare them from coming in.

The Gabai stare is awkward. It makes everybody uncomfortable. We all feel like kids. It’s almost as awkward as seeing Pinny, the old single guy, in shul. Awkward.
Nobody wants to take the blame for Gabai stares. I never heard, 'It was me.' Them saying that would probably cause more staring. And nobody wants to take the blame for Pinny.
I believe one time the Gabai just stopped and stared at Pinny. Nobody was talking. It was just a way to note how pathetic the old single guy in shul is. After the Gabai saw enough people shake their heads in discontent, he allowed the Chazin to continue.

A class was given on shul etiquette and Gabai stares. The rabbi also explained in the class that the banging on the Bima was not due to anger, but to scare people into saying the Rosh Chodesh prayers.
 
Finding Pinny a wife is a communal activity. Committees have been formed. One committee made a point to go into his house and throw out pictures from his childhood as he looked awkward.
The Pinny committee refused to clean his house for Pesach. That was too scary. The Gabai stared at how dirty the floor was and walked out. He didn't even touch any of the tables, as they were too dirty.
It's called The Pinny Committee. He is the cause. His singleness is a charity.