Sermons of Rebuke II: Terumah

by Rivka Schwartz

Announcements
Shiva will take place at 3pm on Wednesday. Refreshments will be served. Please don't show to the Perlstein family's home before that. They don't want to celebrate till Wednesday.
 
The rabbi comforted the family with a hug. He didn't mean to hug anybody. He takes it back. He did not realize anybody would be offended. He didn’t know what to do. She was ninety and crying. He didn't know that was abuse.
Statement from the Rabbi: 'I will try not to be friendly anymore. I did not know that being friendly and showing people you care is creepy.'

This week's Kiddish honors the one who cleaned the railing. It was full of dust. Way to take step up for the shul, Cal. Your heart desires. Kol Hakavod. There's less dust. You're an inspiration. A fine example of a Jew.
 
Donation week is coming. The office will be in touch to collect your donations from three years ago that you haven't given yet. We've given up on anything more than four years ago. The IRS will deal with that. We're just ashamed that you're part of this congregation.
As it is donation week, you can drop off your donations.
 
Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...

(Shemot 25:2) 'Take for Me a portion from every man whose heart motivates him...' The shul office is going to start taking money out of people's bank accounts. As the Torah says to take...
H' commands a portion for Him. You haven't donated anything to the shul that is worth... A Terumah is a portion. Something decent. Acacia wood. It's not just a donation. You donated your baseball glove from little league and pine wood. Who gives pine?... Acacia wood is quality stuff. Who doesn’t love acacia wood…
Terumah is a portion. A portion of something you like. Something decent... You have been dropping off your garbage at the shul for... The new pantry outside the shul has your garbage. Every night, you should be putting in a portion of dinner. Cut off a piece of the steak and stick it in the pantry... Poor people should not get your canned peas... Canned peas are garbage... The can was open... The expiration should've already been. That stuff is three years beyond. The fact that the expiration is 2045 is wrong... It was so bad, you got rid of it 22 years early.

Every man gave a portion to H' when they had a decent heart... Decent hearts are motivated... You don't understand portions, because you don't have a decent heart. You understand getting rid of stuff that takes up space.
What do you give to shul?... No. Those are plastic flowers... They gave shoham stones. They gave aromatic incense.
There was Channel 5 given at the last fundraiser. It smells good. But now the shul smells like a retirement village... Not just Sadie's section. The men's section does too. We went from potpourri to Channel 5...
No. You don't donate to a Shiva. We don't need more death. I understand you care, but we don't need more death to be donated to the community... I hope you're not motivated to help with death. I know you don't like your husband...

You're motivated to give. I get it. You're motivated to give stuff you don't want. But you would keep the shoham stone. It's good stuff. You give the shul mood rocks. Worst donation... I have never seen so many angry people. Then the Gabai decides to pass it to people when they get an Aliyah. The new shul rule was that nobody who is happy should have an Aliyah... Well. That's what the mood rock showed.
You see. None of you ever give the decent stuff... Your eggplant parmesan is disgusting...
Acacia wood. You give acacia wood and the Testimony is put in there... The tablets. No. We don't put garbage in the ark.
You can’t donate your garbage instead of money...
 
We’re honoring everything now. That's what happens when you get bad donations, you end up honoring everybody with a Kiddish and a dinner.
The guy cleaned a little. It’s great. Does he need a Kiddish… I said 'Shabbat Shalom' to some people. Does that get a Kiddish…
It’s not volunteering. He ran his handkerchief over the handrail. There’s an issue when there are no Kiddish standards.
We should work it like the Tabernacle. If you donate decent stuff, you get a Kiddish. If you give a breastplate you get a Kiddish. If you build the Aron, you get a Kiddish. Standards... No. Not if you bring three bags of hand-me-downs... What are we going to build in the shul with bell-bottoms?!
 
At least, when you get honored, donate something… I have a heart. That's why I donate decent stuff, like a finger pointer... Well. Not everybody is good at pointing. That's why we have a vessel for it.
People are vessels of emotion...
She needed comforting… She lost her husband, her sister, her friend… She’s ninety. She’s lost everyone. She's ninety... How am I creep for comforting her and caring...
 
And why is Shiva a program now? You do Shiva when somebody dies. That’s Shiva. There aren’t Shiva times… So you don’t sleep for a week. They're dead. Are we forgetting they're dead?!...
What kind of a person gets good sleep when their spouse passes away??
 
No more hugs. I don’t want to be locked up for caring for people who are mourning... I get it. Caring is creepy...
 
Your heart desires to blame your rabbi for caring.
Nobody's heart desires to donate. The office is going to take money out of your bank accounts to collect dues. That's why it says 'Take for Me a portion.' Because you guys give nothing willingly...
 
Rivka’s Rundown
Finally, somebody explained the Yad. The finger pointer now makes sense.

They really do honor everybody. Why do I need to say Mazel Tov after shul every time I want Danish, Kichel or herring.
 
The rabbi banned the mood rock, as everybody in the shul was mad. The shul was in a constantly angry mood and the rabbi didn't want to see it on a rock, in maroon.

I got great sleep once my husband died. The night after the funeral, I had so much more bed to sleep on. Amazing sleep. No snoring. If I get married again, I'm not sharing a bed.
 
Specifically on Wednesday. That’s when Shiva is. As if they scheduled the program and planned it.
The new shul tradition is to have an assortment of refreshments for the Shiva guests. Now, your spouse dies and you're expected to host. 
Refreshments???!!! Like a party. The congregants treat everything like a Simcha. 'Merel is dead. Mazel Tov.'
Then, some congregants bring food. So, now it's a potluck party. Some have made the decision to have Shiva picnics.

People were offended by the hug. The lady came to the rabbi and leaned on him. What's he supposed to do? Let her drop?
 
The membership took dropping off donations as dropping off their trash. Tons of garbage bags full of stuff were found at the back entrance.
They heard pantry from the rabbi. Some started dropping off their laundry. Others dropped off their storage and asked the shul where they will keep it. To quote Mark, ‘It’s cheaper than paying for Cubes R Us.'
‘Ashamed you’re part of the congregation.’ I think that means the office is ashamed of the whole shul membership.
Donation week was the worst idea the shul ever had. That’s why the rabbi didn’t mention it. Anything that people were going to try to sell in the spring was brought to the shul. So, every pointless item that nobody wants at a garage sale was brought to the shul. I have never seen so much wicker in mu life. They should call it garbage drop off week.

The other part of donation week is collecting pledges (that's really what it's for- awareness for paying the shul) people haven’t given in years. It’s pathetic. It’s harder to collect the money than to get people to give it. People get all egotistical when they get up in front of the congregation for Aliyahs. The shul must’ve raised forty thousand dollars last year from Aliyahs. They collected two. Two hundred dollars. I say they collect the money upfront. If they did that, there would be less fights. It would be the first time Shlomo and Sid wouldn't fight over who's getting the Aliyah. Sid would give in every time.
The shul started going into people’s accounts. Some complained that they went into overdraft for an Aliyah.

Shivas have had some stragglers. People like to hang out in other people's homes, as they don't have to clean.
People enjoy the Shivas too much. Especially the deceased's family members. The rabbi has had to put out many announcements about not having disco music at the Shiva houses, even if people are happy. Why our community is stuck on disco is something I will never understand.