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INT – COFFEE SHOP – NIGHT
Shlomo, a religious Jew, sitting in a coffee shop with his friend, Sarah. The waitress comes over and Shlomo points to the menu.
Shlomo: Is it Kosher?
Sarah (in undertone): He's doing it again... Does he have to?
Waitress: What's Kosher?
Shlomo: I don't know. Is it?
Waitress: I don't know. What does Kosher mean?
Shlomo: Kosher started in the times of the Bible. Gd gave the Jews dietary laws to live by. You cannot cook a kid in its mother's milk. You can't eat milk and meat together. You can't eat an animal without split hooves. You have to...
Sarah: What does any of this have to do with a cafe, Shlomo? It's a vegan cafe. You're like a Jewish missionary.
Shlomo (Cont): You have to tithe. There's batel Bshishim, if it's milk that falls in the meat. One sixtieth. You mix it right away. Are they mixing in the back of the restaurant? A lot of mixing? All the time, stirring? Are the Hot Toddies stirred?
Sarah: What are you trying to make her religious for? It's vegan. Just order.
Shlomo: I need to know if the coffee is Kosher. If a rabbi is not checking it, we don't know that the vegan place is vegan.
Sarah: You were educating her. Stop and order. She has customers. It's a vegan cafe.
Shlomo: You have to teach in order to know if you can drink the coffee.
Waitress: So you want the coffee?
Shlomo: I need to know if it's kosher.
Waitress: I still don't know what kosher is.
Shlomo: I shouldn't be here. You see. We just wanted coffee. It's a nice place and...
Waitress: Coffee is not Kosher?
Shlomo: I don't know.
Waitress: If you don't know, how am I supposed to know? I definitely don't know.
Sarah: We'll take coffee.
Shlomo: I don't know.
Waitress: I don't if you should be here. Are you sure you should be here, Sir. I have other customers that should be eating here, because they don't keep Kosher.
Shlomo: Kosher is a rabbi's approval.
Waitress: I don't know any rabbis. What approval?
Shlomo: A symbol. It's a big 'O' with a letter in it. You can see it on the box.
Waitress goes to ask her boss. Shlomo is oblivious to the fact that he will only be spending $1.50, and that doesn't help the cafe very much. Other customers are staring at this spectacle, waiting for the waitress.
Sarah: You do this every time.
Sarah: Ask if it's Kosher.
Shlomo: What's wrong with that? I keep Kosher.
Sarah: It's coffee. You just buy it and drink it.
Shlomo: Well. I do that after I know if it's Kosher.
Sarah: Just do your research before you go out.
(Sarah Cont) The waitress will never want to serve a Jew again.
Shlomo: As long as they're not eating Treif.
Sarah: They won't eat anything. They'll sit there with their hands up waiting for the waitress, and she will never come, because you had to find out if the coffee is Kosher.
Shlomo: Let's say the cup was used for soup, and the soup was crab soup?
Sarah: How is the waitress supposed to answer that?
(Shlomo Cont) Next time take me to a Kosher place.
Sarah: This is Kosher. It's coffee!
(Sarah Cont) I'm sure the Kosher place has coffee too. Are you going to ask them to bring in the rabbi to assure you that it's Kosher? I can't go anywhere with you.
Shlomo: You can go to Kosher shops with me.
(Sarah puts hand to head and shakes her head to show embarrassment)
Shlomo (Cont): Why does this embarrass you?
Sarah: I'm Jewish too. It's my people.
Shlomo: The waitress doesn't know that.
Sarah: Thank Gd.
Twenty minutes later, waitress comes back.
Waitress: It's kosher.
Shlomo: I'll take the coffee.
Waitress: That's it?
Sarah: Why don't you take anything else? She just spent twenty minutes finding out if it's kosher.
Shlomo: Nothing else is Kosher.
Sarah: Next time order water. Just order water, and don't ask. It will be less embarrassing.
Waitress: Should I check into the other stuff.
Shlomo: Did the sugar come in a box?
Waitress: I believe so.
Shlomo: Can we see the box? It would be good to see the box.
Sarah: What can be wrong with sugar?
Shlomo: You just saw, there could be a problem with coffee. Maybe there's a problem with sugar too. The processing factory. They might process lard.
Sarah: I have to do research before taking you for coffee. So that I can tell you to stop.
Waitress comes back with the box. Shlomo takes off his glasses and starts searching the box. All of the customers are looking at the spectacle.
Sarah: It's like he works he now.
Shlomo: It's good. Has the symbol.
Waitress: There's the Kosher symbol. The 'O.'
Shlomo: That's registered.
Random Customer: Honey. They're bringing out the boxes.
(Random Customer turns to Waitress)
Can I see the ingredients to the gravy? I sometimes get acid reflux. By the way, how do you make the gravy? The ingredients would be good.
Sarah: See what you started.
Chef comes out.
Random Customer: How do you make the gravy?
Shlomo: That's a good question. And he's not even Jewish.
Chef: I've been in the restaurant business for eighteen years...
Shlomo puts on a baseball hat.
Sarah: Now you put on the hat.
He checked the package. That's the next level.
It kills the restaurant allure when us religious Jews end up going to kitchen to make sure it's Kosher. Jews look like their working in the restaurant when they start asking the Kosher questions and checking the boxes.
It's got to be a shock to be working behind a counter and to have a random person ask you what you use to make the ice cream. Sarah understands that. Yet, it's a dilemma; we have to eat. So, we go in and check out the ice cream. I have a feeling that the staff in the service industry thinks that all Jews are inspectors. We come and inspect everything. They yell to the back of the kitchen that Jews are here, and they scrub down the place.
It's safer to eat at a Kosher coffee house. It causes less anti-Semitism. If he would've had on the baseball hat the whole time, she would've thought he was a Catholic that keeps Kosher. Less anti-Semitism.
Sarah was very embarrassed. Shlomo felt at home making a deal to get his coffee. Which is how we know that Shlomo is a better Jew.
We were bothered to find out that Shlomo only left a ten percent tip. He said that was the expected amount in these parts. Very bothersome. He should've left a 200% tip on the $1.50. And Shlomo stole all the SweeN' Low. He told Sarah that his grandparents used to do that, and it's family tradition. And tradition is the foundation of our people.
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I was going to do Kaparos before Yom Kippur, but I chickened out.
You get it? Kaparos is the tradition of placing your sins on something else, the day before Yom Kippur, traditionally a chicken, and waiving it. He chickened out of the chicken. He might've done it with money in the end. But that would still be without a chicken.
Designated stroller parking area. Something every shul needs, so I can get through the entrance on Yom Kippur... Truth is they should have stroller parking all the time. The entrance is always blocked.
Problem: Merv and Bernie will end up parking there. They already take the disabled parking spots and walk just fine. When it comes to parking, every member of our congregation is disabled.
Side Note: Figured out why so many kids come to shul on Yom Kippur. Because they get to eat in shul on Yom Kippur.