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Last time we discussed the interior of the Jewish home and how you must use tinfoil. Now that the kitchen is tinfoiled, let's focus on the exterior.
The House Should Take Up The Whole Property
Make sure the house takes up the whole property. This is Frum tradition that started in Boro Park. Frum Jews don’t waste, unless if it’s plastic dishware. Tin is never a waste. For this reason, you want to use your whole property for the house.
Hasagas Gvul may be a law to not infringe on other people's property, but that’s not when we’re talking about the size of your house. Your home should hug right up against your neighbor’s house. Though, there should be around six inches between the homes, so that stuff can fall.
The goal is to have no lawn, and to never be able to get to stuff you lost between the homes. You don’t want to have to cut grass. Personally, I was going to buy an acre in the suburbs, but that’s too much to build.
If You Have A Front Lawn Use It
Your only excuse for having a front lawn is that you're living in The Mountains. If you’re not in the city, everything should be treated like a bungalow. That means using the whole lawn for your stuff. All of it. Chairs go in the front yard. The BBQ in the front yard. The swing set, in the front. Kids, on the lawn. An extra freezer for ice pops. It’s communal living.
You moved out to the bungalows. If anybody asks, you're living in the Nebraskan bungalows. If you tell people you ‘moved to the country,’ you might as well stop keeping Shabbis. You’re not Frum. No Jew moves to the country. They go to bungalows. And that means using your front lawn. All of it.
Don’t Mow It
Nobody mows in the bungalows. You want it to look lived. Chairs knocked over, keep them there. Religious people don’t bend. It’s on the ground, because God wants it that way. The grass is not cut, because God wants it that way. Tree falls. Leave it there. That gives it more of a Mountains look. And God wants it that way.
Why they don't mow, is not the question. The tradition is to not mow. Frum Jews don't own lawnmowers. And they definitely don't clean their lawns. That's all I know. Even if you live in the suburbs, no lawnmower. That would be Maras Ayin, giving people the idea that you’re going to mow your lawn. Which means you're bending over and wasting time, and that's Asur (forbidden). You can't have people thinking that you're wasting time or getting exercise. You can’t mow while learning Torah. And you don't want to mow in suit pants or a dress.
Mezuzahs on the Doors
All doors should have Mezuzahs. Again, Mezuzahs are very important for drawing anti-Semites.
Renovations Should Be Done Always
You always need additions.
You should always be in the middle of a project. First you have to add another room. Then a third room, because you didn’t see those kids coming. Then you need to make the kitchen bigger. Then you need a bigger dining room. Then you join the dining room and living room because you have grandkids. Then you need other rooms for the kids visiting with their families, doubling as a lodge that makes no money.
There should always be a dumpster in front of your home.
Minivan in Driveway
You need a minivan. Without the minivan, you’re not religious. That’s proof you have less than five kids. Five kids is the Frum minimum.
Other Stuff You Can Do
Hang a salami. Anything that represents a deli is Jewish. You could even hang an awning with your name, and an apostrophe ‘s’ followed with ‘Delicatessen.’ For that matter, you can have a pickle barrel outside.
Have kids running around. Kids playing outside is Frum. It shows that you’re not willing to use the air-conditioning.
Tinfoil any area of your home that needs paint. The use of tinfoil is paramount for Jewish living.
No dogs. You can have cats, as those can be at your house by accident.
Strollers. You need strollers. Strollers on the driveway. Strollers on the grass. A stroller on the porch, propping the door open. If you want to have a serious Frum home, you should at least be showing one double stroller on the front lawn. If you can have a double-decker stroller, a quadruple stroller is the best.
The general rule is it should look like Brooklyn or a bungalow. Nothing Victorian. Even if you’re living in Virginia, it’s a brownstone with additions or a shack. A huge building with no lawn, that takes up the whole property, or a hut with an unkempt front yard the kids can play on.
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I was going to do Kaparos before Yom Kippur, but I chickened out.
You get it? Kaparos is the tradition of placing your sins on something else, the day before Yom Kippur, traditionally a chicken, and waiving it. He chickened out of the chicken. He might've done it with money in the end. But that would still be without a chicken.
Designated stroller parking area. Something every shul needs, so I can get through the entrance on Yom Kippur... Truth is they should have stroller parking all the time. The entrance is always blocked.
Problem: Merv and Bernie will end up parking there. They already take the disabled parking spots and walk just fine. When it comes to parking, every member of our congregation is disabled.
Side Note: Figured out why so many kids come to shul on Yom Kippur. Because they get to eat in shul on Yom Kippur.