The Frum Home: How Your Religious House Should Look

by David Kilimnick

You can see the outside of a Frum home. You want no room between houses, so you can build up against the neighbor, to brace your home. You also want to use the whole lot, just in case grass grows by accident. (Photo: Bryan Anselm for The New York Times)

What does a frum, religious, home need? That's a question. I will answer it. We are going to help you redecorate your home into frumness. No matter where you are, a frum home is a frum home, and that looks like Boro Park. Here are some things you will need to be considered religious enough for people to eat at your house.
 
A Lot of Kids
You can't hang them up, but they are the perfect artifact for your frum home.
This may take time, but you have to have at least eight, all dressed the same, for it to be a frum home.

Toys on the Floor
You’re learning Torah. You don’t have time to clean. If any guest walks into your home and doesn’t hurt their foot, it’s not frum.
 
A Tablecloth
How else are you going to cover the TV?
 
Chandelier in the Dining Room
Must be a tradition from Europe. You must have it. They have it in Boro Park. Got to have it wherever you live. Chandeliers are Jewish.

Plastic
Plastic tablecloth. Plastic forks. Plastic knives. Plastic plates. Plastic handwasher, known as a Natlan. Plastic anything is good. Plastic and tin are the key. The less you care about the environment, the more you love Gd. It shows trust. And there is nothing more rewarding than a plastic fork not breaking in a piece of chicken. I recently went a whole Shabbat without a fork breaking. The pleasure felt from such an achievement is hard to express. Mamish Nachis. More than any parent has felt from a child.
The only thing you can’t do with plastic is cover your TV.
 
A Sign or Picture Showing You East
This way you can pray to Jerusalem or Mecca. Whichever one you hit.

Some Kind of Art With Hebrew Letters
The Hebrew shows that it is done by a Jew and kosher. Preferably, the Hebrew is from the Torah. No Frum home has any art in the bathroom; just plastic in the bathroom.
 
A Rebbe on the Wall
If you have a grandfather with a long beard, that suffices. Family portraits don’t count though. You have to take a headshot of your grandfather. Even if he’s a farmer, that’s all good, as long as it’s a long beard.
 
My Living Room Is My Dining Room
I’m not trying to show off. I am just frum.
Where do you really live? Exactly. The living room should be the dining room. You’re not eating choolante and then not trying to find a couch. The dining room should have a recliner in the corner, for you.
You need more space. This is another reason I use paper plates and tinfoil. It’s all about space. I’ve taken all storage cabinets, and breakfronts, out of the living room, to sit people. With the eighteen potential kids and the 200 grandchildren, you need the space. The only issue is placing the chandelier in the living room.
What is the use of the old dining room? That’s where you put the kids table and the toys on the floor.
 
Calendar From One of The Fifteen Organizations That Sent It
This has to be someplace on the wall, where there isn't Hebrew or a picture of an old man already. It should have Shabbat times for cities that you don't live in.
 
Jewish Artifacts
You must have Chanukiahs, Shofars, and a lot of Kiddish cups. You don’t have to use them. Just make sure you polish them every few years. Otherwise, the Kiddish cups will look ancient. Ancient artifacts are not frum. They’re traditional. Frum artifacts have to be shiny. None of them should be used. If you use your Jewish artifacts for Mitzvahs, that will have people questioning your frumiosity.
 
A Tallit Bag
You don’t need a Tallis, just the bag. The four cornered shawl is not necessary for the home, unless if you can’t find a tablecloth for the TV. Even a non-Tallit bag works. As long as the bag has a dark velvet look and a Hebrew name inscribed on it, that’s frum. And never say Tallit. If you want to be frum, it’s Tallis. And never say Shabbat. If you're not saying Shabbis, you might as well have wooden camels hanging from your walls, showing how Zionistic and not frum you are, connecting to Isael..
 
Master Bedroom with One Bad That is Two
Be sure that the shared bed is separated. If you have one huge bed that is not two, everybody will know you’re a sinner.
 
Sefarim
A lot of Sefarim. That means books that are brown, or a maroonish color. Gold trimming will also add to the frum look. The book color should match your Tallis bag.
 
Mitzvah Millionaire
I think it’s a boardgame. I have no idea. I’ve seen it in frum homes. Get it. I’ve never seen anybody play it, but it is frum. Have it out. Put it next to the tablecloth on the TV, as frum camouflage.
 
A Mezuzah
That’s a mitzvah. It’s the least frum of all the other stuff we mentioned, but it’s a commandment. To be frum, you also have to follow the commandments.
 
Tin
Tin, tinfoil, tin pans tin people. Anything is good. If it’s art, it should be made out of tin too. If you can eat off the art, that is extremely frum. One-time use art is frum.
You want everything to be shiny. This is why you want all silver or tin dishes and kiddish cups. This way, your home will always look kosher for Pesach, and ready to serve a lot of people. If you can, make the Mezuzah out of tin, all the better.
 
Bathroom Towels with the Kids Names
You’ve got ten kids, make sure their names are on their towels. Otherwise, nobody will be able to find them in the pile on the floor. If one of the kids was named Chris, make sure you write his name in Hebrew. It will look Jewish that way.
 
Natlan
The washing cup is not just used for purity. It’s used for pouring, cleaning, mixing paint. My friend, Mordechai, is very frum. He uses his Natlan for watering the flowers. Having the Natlan on your front lawn is a different level of Frum; might be using it to water the plants, or always ready to come back from paying respects to those in Olam Haba.

Final Notes on Frumifying Your Property
Do not have any Israeli artifacts. Even an old Israeli coin will make you look not frum. If you have the wooden camel, get rid of it. The camel is embarrassing. If you want your children to grow up frum, get rid of it. If anybody sees the wooden Israeli souvenir, your child will never get a decent shidduch.

For more about the home, check out the Frum Kitchen article. Everything in your home is based in the kitchen, so make sure you have at least three sinks, crockpots for every type of choolante, including the choolante without meat, and a walk-in refrigerator that doesn’t have walk in abilities. Have choolante out at all times. That is a frum home. You don’t need anything else. Just choolante and herring on the table at all times. Have it on the shelves. It's better than the wooden camel.

Next time we will talk about how to frumify the outside of the home and why it should take up the whole property. And next time you're at somebody's house for Shabbis dinner, take notes. They may find it weird that you hung up a picture of their grandmother on the wall, but that is fine. It’s frum. Hang the picture of their grandfather too. He's a farmer with a beard and that works. If it's in a frum home, it's frum. 
Your house should always look like a Shabbis table.​