Sermons of Rebuke II: Vayeira

by Rivka Schwartz

​Announcements
We are asking parents to donate a slide, so the kids have something to do when they come up for Adon Olam. Many of the congregants are not happy that the kids are running around the Bima and sliding down the handrails. A slide in shul will help with decorum. The kids know that you wait in line for the slide.
 
Kids must not show off their candy in the front of the shul. They are sitting on the Bima in the front of the shul and waving their candies. Many congregants are getting jealous and jealousy is forbidden. From now on, if the kids are bringing candy into shul the youth director has to bring sour sticks for everybody. Candymen cannot discriminate against the elderly either.
If children run around in the front of the shul, they have to wave flags. Instead of candies, the youth director has been advised to hand out flags.
 
We’re changing the Shul Kaddish sayer. He’s depressing everybody. People are walking away from the mourners Kaddish too depressed.
 
Visit the sick. Something people in this congregation should do. It’s an announcement because nobody does it.
 
Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
The Kaddish is depressing. It sounds like somebody just died. Every time... You appear with your Kaddish, Tzimi, and people are depressed. They don't even get that down thinking of their loved ones during Yizkur...
'Vayeira,' 'And H" appeared to Avraham...' It's about appearing at the right time...
It was hot out… I know Avraham was sick and he still welcomed the guests. He appeared.
You have it hard. You still visit the sick...
Back to the point. That doesn’t mean that the sick should visit you. Let's focus on the Mitzvah of visiting the sick... Because you people could care less. You haven't visited the nursing home... You appear there and your parents might think you care. The shul might get a decent donation...
You show up and you care for the sick. H' appeared and He cared...
 
No. You don't care. The kids are running around the Bima like it’s a jungle gym… Yes. It’s wrong… I know they’re kids. That’s why we have playgroups… They injure themselves there. We don't need to all witness them getting hurt...
I don’t know what kind of parent lets their kids have six taffys… That’s how kids get sick... 
Avraham wasn’t sick from candy. Avraham had his Bris. That’s why he was sick... Maybe he could’ve used some candy. Twizzlers might have brightened the mood for Avraham.
I know candy is why they come to shul… There’s a limit. And there’s a limit to rubbing it into our faces. Running around the Bima and showing off their candies to all of us. Shira screaming, 'Look at me!' Waving her taffies...
I don't know what kind of parent lets their kids run around shul, and doesn't visit the nursing homes...

Kaddish is making people sick. Your Kaddish is such a downer, The monotone is depressing... We need a more upbeat Kaddish...

You visit the sick… Coming to shul isn't visiting the sick. It's being around the not well. Bernie is... I know we all feel sick after hearing that Kaddish....
You visit the sick. You welcome guests. You do a decent Kaddish. Your kids don’t run on the Bima. And you host people right… Zerizut. You hurry to do Mitzvahs... You visit the sick like the angels, and you do stuff fast, like Avraham... Well. That's how you do it...
I don't know how fast the angels walked. They didn't stop off for a drink on the way… You don’t visit the sick fast. You don’t come in and say ‘I got to go.’ Why don't you at least visit the sick?! You don't even visit... You get their fast.
Zerizut is getting to the Mitzvah. The problem is you do the MItzvahs fast. You don't honor your parents by telling them, 'I've got to run.' You do every Mitzvah fast, other than Musaf. Because the Chazin likes to sing...
You guys are so lazy when it comes to Mitzvot... Do it when you have time? That’s how you guys parent. Avraham hustled to do the Mitzvah...

Avraham couldn’t move and he moved faster than the Chazin… It’s a long Davening...
Eating on Shabbat is a Mitzvah. The Chazin is killing the meal... You're stealing our meal time...
(Bereishit 18:6) ‘And Avraham hurried to the tent to Sarah, and he said, “Hurry up… and make cake.” And Avraham ran to the cattle…’
He did stuff fast. He didn’t make them wait, like you do with your long depressing Kaddishes. He didn’t make his guests wait… You didn’t even serve meat. It was Beyond Burger. That’s not meat… Stop. That’s a lie. It’s still different. It’s good, but it’s different. It’s a vegi-patty… Avraham wasn’t out to deceive his guests…
And Sarah didn’t fight… That is where the tradition of men manning the grill and not baking comes from...
You move slow. We didn't have a Minyin for twelve minutes... You were the tenth. You were at the backdoor. It took you twelve minutes to make it from the backdoor to the sanctuary... Conversation. Moving slow. It's all the same... Were you having a conversation with the Cazin???
 
Avraham was sick and he was less lazy than you… No. You run to visit the sick. They don’t have to run to greet you. Why I have to explain these things… You have no idea what a Bris feels like. Bernie. Avraham had his Bris when he was around your age. You had it when you were eight days old… Yes. Tim converted. He was under sedation…
 
The only people running in this shul are the kids. Because they’re excited to jump on the Bima… They’re excited to slide down the handrails… The banister is not monkey bars. Chaya. Be a parent.
They're waving candies like they represent their country... I know some of the sour sticks have lines. And they do look like European flags. Do the kids even know about Hungry, Romania and Lithuania?... It's like they're proud citizens of Ferrara Pan... 
Maybe if you visited the sick. If you appeared at a nursing home every once in a while, the kids would be right... Yes. They would run and trip over some old people in wheelchairs... It's better than them doing somersaults during Musaf. Even if it's taking way too long, because the Chazin moves slow...

Once you get to the Mitzvah, you relax. When you are with the Mitzvah, you don’t run anymore. You do it... You appear correctly. And you don't do flips on the rabbi's shtender...

Rivka’s Rundown
The congregants got the wrong message. They started doing everything faster. The Amidah prayer was done in thirty-five seconds.
People really move slow to Mitzvot. They show up to Minyin real late, even when they're there.
 
Our rabbi is always able to bring history into his sermons. I never knew where the tradition of men manning the grill came from.
 
It’s like a park. The kids are now running around the shul. Parkour is the worst thing that ever happened to our shul.
They were playing hide and go seek during Anim Zmirot. One kid was hiding behind the curtain. I heard that some of the kids have been studying acroYoga. I am afraid they’re going to cirque du soleil the ark curtains. Parkpour into the curtains and then swing down on the drapes. 

The rabbi is right. The candies are a bit much. There was a fight in shul, as many parents didn’t want their kids having candy. Those kids didn’t want to come to shul anymore. Why would you come if your parents don’t give you candy???!!!!
So now, kids are stocking up on the stuff, just in case their parents ban candy again.
It’s an addiction. The powder candy too. That stuff has me questioning if it's laced. It might be the laced stuff that has them running around and sliding down the Bima railings. You can't be on the wagon, thinking it's fine to flip over a railing in the middle of Adon Olam.
Between us. The kids don’t even need the candy. They’re crazy.

And now that the shul is trying to draw more kids, they’ve put in for a monkey bars grant. They’re going to place the bars between the men’s and women’s sections.
Why they’re trying to draw kids, I don’t know. I don’t know how they can afford the dues. They definitely won't be able to afford the canteen the board is adding to the back left of the women's section.
 
Working on Kaddish synchronizations isn’t easy. If there's a good mourners’ choir, the depressing drone will be overshadowed.
The rabbi had the Kaddish people practicing in acapella form. The board suggested a band to back them up.
Fools. These people making decisions in the shul don’t get Shabbis. Truth be told. If a band can drown out the drone, it might be better for the congregation. I am sure the rabbi can find a Heter.

Many of the congregants were shocked to hear that the veggie-patties are not meat.

The message of appearing for the sick is a beautiful one. If any of our congregants visited the people in the nursing home, that would be a miracle. Legends would be written about the appearance of somebody from our community that cares about the elderly.
Truth is, if they circumcised the residents, some people might show up for the Seduas Mitzvah (the meal of celebration). At Kiddish, the members were all saying that they only showed up for Avraham, because they knew he had leftovers from the Bris.