Sermons of Rebuke: VaYeshev

by Rivka Schwartz

The shul Thanksgivakah didn’t work last year. The animal rights activists in our shul were not for lighting and burning the turkey. They like their turkey more juicy.
 
The rabbi’s gift forum was well attended. People thought they were going to get gifts. They were told what not to buy, as the rabbi doesn’t want to get any bad gifts this Chanukah. The rabbi made it clear that he does not want anything knit; nothing made by hand.
People are going to be giving chocolate bars to the kids this year. The rabbi explained the laws of Ma’aras Ayin, showing something that is not what it appears, and he is still mad you can’t buy stuff with coins that have chocolate in them. He wants to take Elite to court for faulty sales on the coins last year. The problem is he ate his proof that they’re not real coins.
 
Rabbi Menelchem’s Sermon

Shabbat Shalom vHappy Chanunkiving...
 
We all have stories… The tales about other people have to stop. No more tattle-taling… Stories about Chanukah are good. Tattle-taling on Yehudah HaMacabee is not going to get him trouble... They might have had 'snitches get stitches' back then. I don't know how many felons were connected with the Maccabees. With Yosef and his brothers, it was 'snitches get sold'... That was the saying... Our history is important. Yet. We shouldn't sell any of the children... I know they are constantly tattle-tailing at junior congregation...
 
(Bereishit 37:1) ‘And Yaakov sat in the land of which his fathers lived.’ The Torah goes through the generations of Yaakov in detail. Rashi says our ancestors and generations that follow are important. That's why there is detail, Sadie. Our ancestry and genealogy is important. You don't need to detail the menu for a Pareve Kiddish. Important… You could be important. Do your ancestors want to know about the deal you found at Marshall’s, Tim?... It was a great deal. I was very impressed. I wanted to know about it. I just don't know how they connect to it in heaven... Make yourself important. The Pilgrims were important… Yes. The Maccabees were important. You could be important…
 
Many of you live here, still. You received a good inheritance. I commend you for not running away from your family's wealth. The shul hasn’t seen any of it… I’m guessing your grandfather, Shlomo, would’ve liked to give a donation. Just saying. If you knew that you came from people that paid their dues...
Your fathers shared it with the synagogue when they lived here...
Your fathers did not receive free trips to Israel... They couldn’t sojourn there. They married into the hardware business… That keeps you in Topeka... When you're making money and not donating it...
 
Generation affect each other… Yaakov affected his children.
(Bereishit 37:3) They saw that dad loved Yosef more than them, ‘and they hated him, and they couldn’t speak to him peacefully’… This is why Fran and Sadie always fight. They hate each other… Nobody likes people who are loved... Sadie is just more lovable...
  
(Bereishit 37:5) And he shared his dreams with his brothers, ‘and they continued to hate him.
If there is one thing we learn from Yosef, it's how to get your siblings to hate you. Tell on them, get a decent coat and then tell them you're better than them in a passive aggressive way, through a dream... Nobody wants to hear about your dreams.... 
And he told them what his dreams were about, and they hated him even more.
Nobody likes people who dream and then tell people what their dreams are about... I'm not a psychologist. Let's not go there right now, Benji. I understand that you were told in the dream that there was a stalk in the shul and the stalk withered and your stalk was stepped on it...
 
Nobody likes a good kid, who gets special gifts and gets good grades....Stop asking questions when class is about to end. I teach Sunday school. The kids don't want to be there, but the parents force them. And then there is one kid who cares...  Sharona, they hate you. Stop caring. You are causing baseless hatred with your 'wanting to learn'... You're the reason... There's no necessary exile at the end of this, Sharona....

So what do we learn from this week's Parsha?
Keep your dreams and aspirations to yourself. Nobody wants to hear about your new summer home. We are not happy for you. Good for you. We hate you. And Mrs. Kandymen, with a new dress every week... Yes. They hate you.
 
It is good you all connect with the wealth of your parent's generation... Do you know their names? How many Ben Avrahams are there in this synagogue? You do not even know your dad's name... Michael. Last week, we had to break the Shabbat to go into the shul's Yizkor list to see what your dad's Hebrew name was, just so you could get an Aliyah????
What were their dreams?... To have a shul where dues were paid, Tim... But you had no problem naming your daughter Alexis, after her great grandmother Faygil... She paid dues...
 
Yes, you all have friends, you all have money, you all have wealth. But none of you are willing to take a chance for other 'cool' people to hate you, and to dream. The cool people who have no dreams, but like to relax....Dream of a great community where dues are paid and the rabbi likes you. Dream of a community where your rabbi has a new car, to represent you... Yes. Yosef's brothers were wrong. Let people dream. Just don't share them... The guys in the back left will hate you. Let's get back to how dreams are bad...
 
What are you doing for your ancestors? Is there hatred?
The big issue is that they couldn’t speak to him in peace. It wasn't the dreams. It was the result. (Bereishit 37:4) The brothers saw that Yaakov loved him more than them, ‘and they hated him and they couldn’t speak to him peacefully.’
There was separation. There was built up hatred. Look at Fran and Sadie... Exactly. Years of anger building up inside. That is what caused for the inability to speak with Yosef in peace... I know you're still angry about the Fleishick Chanukah party three years ago. It builds up overtime. Now, Fran can't even say 'latke' with a smile. She's mad about it...
Relationships are over when there is no peace. When there is no smile. When there are no latkes...
 
Was Yosef wrong or right? I can tell you that your grandmother wouldn't mind if you gave her money to the shul, Michael… It led to what was going to happen. Human interaction is what we’re learning. Don’t cause hatred, Bernie.
 
He was telling tales about the other kids. He was snitching… In our shul, for Shalom. From now on, snitches get stitches… They had reason to hate him before. He snitched, he got the love of Yaakov. People hate bad Chanukah gifts.
They hate the Clopping for Rosh Chodesh… It scares them. You bang the table… There are a lot of reasons to hate. I've mentioned just a few in this sermon so far. You can see, it all builds up, and then you have our shul...
 
From now on, only share the negative in your life. Stop telling people the good you have... Yosef shares his dreams and all the negative builds up… Don’t dream… If you're going to share it, don't dream.
If you see positive in others, we might have a chance at fighting Bernie.
 
(Bereishit 37:11) His brothers were jealous of him, and his father guarded the matter’…
He couldn't make a coat for all of them. Where do you find those colors?... You want to get into parenting? Are you sure, Mark? Your kids are running the halls again… Only once there was jealousy did Yaakov watch over the matter. Jealousy is what kills. There was hatred. Once it turned to jealousy... When you give Chaim a G.I. Joe, and Samantha a Barbie Gocart… Chaim is jealous. Yes… His gift is pathetic.
You have to stop being jealous. That’s what causes the sin. It goes from hatred, to nastiness, to jealousy to slave trade. Then you have our shul...
 
We don’t know if it’s because he was loved more. Was it because of the dream? Was it because he tattle-taled? Was it because he got the gift?... Give your kids decent gifts already… I’ve seen the socks, Michaela. They’re sewn. A gift is not valuable if you make it… You have to buy it. The same way Ephraim buys the Aliyas…
There are multiple factors involved in hatred. You can hate Phillip for sneezing too loud… He sneezes all the time. In know. It’s too much. Bill walks past people and hits them with his Tallis… You don’t notice, because you don’t care. The tassels are whacking people… You walk too fast. Looking like tasseled Superman… I see you, because I sit up here. They can’t, because the tassels are whacking their eyes.
Should we sell the shul? Good question… We’re not allowed to sell the members… The hatred you cause could lead to that though… Not loving the lives around you. Not realizing the importance of the individual leads to slavery… Yes. It’s hard to deal with these people...
If anybody had a reason to be jealous of Phillip or Bill... I know, they have the most pathetic homes...
 
The question is why does nobody in this shul smile… Nobody smiles in the men’s section... Is there hatred? Is there jealousy? I know the Gabai does a bad job of divvying Aliyas… You show favorites. I see it. You call the same person up every week, Ephraim. It’s the same guy. Is he giving his donations to you?... There is definitely a scam going on. I am watching the matter Ephy… Are you jealous because of the lack of gifts? The shul doesn’t get the gifts you flipped over on the Yom Kippur appeal cards. Haven’t seen those donation…
The shul is not inviting now… People don’t come because of security and you not smiling at them… There is already a security guard at the door staring them down and not saying ‘Shalom’… The clopping for Rosh Chodesh scares people. Nobody greets you, and then you hear a bang on a table… Does it remind you to say ‘YaAleh vYavoh’ or does it scare you?... Yes. They don’t feel welcome. All they hear is a loud noise after people have been giving them evil looks… We all dream. You have the cool Simchoni group mocking dreams... What’s going to be next? Selling congregants?... Ephraim sells the Aliyas. Makes a good buck calling people to the Torah… You’re causing jealousy. It’s Feivel’s inheritance. The money should go to the shul…

What we see is that families being together is not always the best thing… Smile… Yosef missed out on living in the land of his ancestors, because people couldn’t smile… Get over it. We need love. Love each other… Your ancestors smiled. Your parents were important because people liked being around them. They didn’t sell people. They gave excellent gifts… A Monopoly set was a good gift in the ‘80s. You can’t give that now, Kim… They paid their dues… They smiled, Mark... 
Mrs. Kandyman, they say they like your dress, because they're trying real hard to keep peace. It's not easy...
There was no smiling and that led to slavery. This shul…
 
Rivka’s Notes to Rabbi Mendelchem’s Drasha
Each part of Rabbi Mendelchem's sermon was a sermon. I believe he gave a private sermon to fifty congregants within the sermon. Each paragraph was a special piece of rebuke. No other rabbi I know can show such hope for his congregants and see such negative within them.

The message I got was to smile. The rest of the congregation didn't seem to get that message. I don't even see a smirk under Mrs. Kandyman's new hats she wears with her dresses. 

The rabbi called it Chanukiving, as he feels that the Jewish holiday should come first. Thanksgivikah is offensive to our people. He also feels that Kiving is very important. It brings happiness and love in families. He is truly worried that siblings hate each other in the congregation, because, as the rabbi said ‘there has to be better Kifts this Chanukah.’
The rabbi's lesson was brought home though. And it was a valuable lesson. Bad gifts is what causes hatred. The Tivels haven’t been invited to Simchas for years, due to the mirror they bought for Michael’s Bar Mitzvah. It was a mirror. A plane mirror. That’s it. No reason to invite them.
Seevan is always pulling Asher’s hair. I think that can lead to some future hatred among our kids in the shul. It started with last year's gift outing to 5 And Below. The kids realize that not all $5 gifts are the same. Seevan got plastic headphones and Asher got a cool board game. After going to Walmart, they realized the board game was worth more. It was also a board game of many colors.
 
The ancestry lesson of importance worked for a few people. The others realized they came from a bunch of criminals. 
 
The rabbi caused a lot of problems in the shul. Now everybody hates each other. They all know about Feivel’s inheritance. Now they’re all jealous. Everybody hates everybody now. The rabbi correctly noted good reasons to hate each other. And nobody smiles.
The Gabai is now on the top of the hate list. There was an actual list outside the sanctuary. The rabbi put the Gabai’s name on it as a plaque. The rest of the names on the hate list were written in dry erase marker.
The membership is happy that the majority of the congregation didn’t move away, after the rabbi let it be known that family together causes fights and the slave trade. The steel plant is what kept the families in town for the past four generations. I don't know if anybody had a calling from Gd. I do know that many have left to get away from family.
The rabbi turned the shul into a penitentiary with this no more snitches policy. People thought payback was a good use of the security guard. To stop violence in the coatroom, the rabbi had to say that he meant that those who snitch get stitched Chanukah gifts; meaning, they get the sewn stuff, like socks. That is a curse that nobody wants.

A lot of mixed messages this week. Yosef’s dreams brought us together as a people, so they dreams have to be good. Then the rabbi says we shouldn’t dream. He then said to dream but don't talk about it. He knows that there's not one congregant who can keep their mouth shut. They'll talk about anything. The rabbi has been to enough Kiddishes.
A lot of hope was lost this Shabbis. But then he brought up Chanukah gifts, and the kids started dreaming again. Now, the kids are dreaming of new PlayStation models.
 
The rabbi is correct. People don’t say ‘Hi.’ They don’t smile at you or greet you. The rabbi had to stop calling us a community. Due to the nasty faces, he started calling the men’s section by gang affiliation. You have the back left corner. You’ve got the front rights.
 
I don’t know how the Chanukiving program the rabbi came up with is going to go. Thanksgiving was before Chanukah this year. But he still wanted to teach a lesson. I think he felt that more people would show up if Thanksgiving was involved in the program. He knows that Jews don’t want to celebrate anything Jewish.
Now, all the kids in the shul think they’re supposed to get gifts on Thanksgiving. Something about the pilgrims hiding their Judaism.
 
Clopping for Rosh Chodesh scared me. We did the Rosh Chodesh prayer preparation on Shabbat. I’m not going to show up to shul until after the Amida prayer is done, and there is no more banging by the shul zealots. The guy bangs the table way too hard. Scary. He would be the first one violently throwing congregants in pits.