Sermon of Rebuke: Re'eh

by Rivka Schwartz

They hate us. Went to the Town Council Meeting and all the Jews got up and talked against Israel. The Jews hate us. It’s the Jews that hate the Jews.
It's Topeka, why do the Jews feel it important to speak out against the Israeli government? How is that pertinent to Fallfield Road Elementary School's budget?
 
The Bar Mitzvah was messed up. Got to work on candy throwing. Candies were hitting random people in the front left. The Bar Mitzvah kid was in the back. We need to work on throwing. It’s not aim. Aim would be if it was close.
The dance on the men’s side is messed up. Got to dance faster. This is not exercise on the men’s side. We were moving on the women’s side. The men’s side had guys leaning from side to side. They were holding onto each other, trying to keep their balance.
 
Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon
 
Shabbat Shalom My Dear Congregants
 
Stop complaining about the Nishama Yeteirah… You have an extra Shabbat soul on Shabbat. Why does it bother you that you are keeping it for the rest of the week? It's a blessing… So, you have an extra 15 pounds… You have to eat for that Nishama. Yes. But how much are you eating… You’re only supposed to feed one extra soul. You’re feeding three souls… I’ve seen how much you eat… It’s a blessing. Make a blessing. Say a… The problem is that you see everything as a curse.
This week's Torah portion begins with the Blessings & Curses. Bracha and Kellalah… There are two sides to all. You do good… Exactly. If you do good… Well. Just do good.
 
H' gives the blessing if you follow the commandments. A curse if you don't follow the commandments. Meaning, you sin, bad stuff happens. That's the message. Dvar Torah is over. But I have to go on in detail because you… Yes. Let’s go through that list. You go to a house of one you're not married to and the whole community hears about it. We'll call that a sin. Not a mitzvah. A curse happens. You lose your family... What other ones are there Mr. Fleishman? You run away from your family and don't pay your Synagogue dues. Not following the mitzvot. We'll say, a bracha doesn't happen… And Dr. Felsman… And Mrs. Blumfield… Did we miss anybody that has sinned?
 
We give too many blessings to those who do not deserve them. That is why we are stopping the Mishebeyrachs after the Torah Aliyot. From now on, you get called up to the Torah, we let you down. No blessings... Mishebeyrach? Who are we blessing? Dr. Ginstern, your children are not going to marry Jewish. Stop with the Mishebeyrachs. You sent them to the Jesuit high school… Your children can sin. They will be forgiven… You’re not Christian… We are going to start Mishecurses… There is more curse than blessing right now.
 
I know this is complicated for some to understand. I'll explain it. Do good and good will happen… To quote Barney. ‘Brushing my teeth and having so much fun. I never let the water run.’ It’s a blessing to brush your teeth… Because it’s good. Ever had a cavity? It’s the worst. I’ve now got a piece of rough clay in my mouth...
 
The Bracha 'That' you will heed. The Curse 'if' you do not heed... Heed.
The Ikar Siftei Chachamim commenting on Rashi... Rashi comments on the Torah and the Ikar Siftei Chachamim comments on the comments... A lot of commenting... A commentary once removed from the pasuk, teaches that the word 'that' is used by the blessing, because Hashem wants us to be good. He desires our positive following of his commandments... I used 'that' too, but for no reason. 'That' hear means it's going to happen... That is why H' uses the word 'that.' Not the word 'if,' as used by the curse, if you do not follow the commandments. (עיקר שפתי חכמים on רש"י)...  H’ is waiting to bless us.
But do you people here do anything positive? No... 'If' is not the outlook of one who is committed. H' wants us committed to the Mitzvot... Every time I talk, I need to say 'if' over here. 'If anybody wants to wash their hands for bread...' Because none of you do anything positive... 'If anybody wants to visit the sick...' It's not going to happen... You heed your own voice. We need longer junior congregation. You have a kid you don't want to take care of... That we have a junior congregation... I want that. Not 'if'. We are getting those kids out of shul.
You whine, you cry, you park in the rabbi's spot. But we wait for you to heed... We wait that you heed. Something positive already.
 
Yes, it is quite manipulative. Using the word 'That,' that you follow the commandments. As if He is going to manipulate us? H' hasn't succeeded in manipulating us yet. As a Jewish people, we are doing a good job of not following the commandments. Our people have a long standing tradition of not following the commandments. That is why we had the prophets/נביאים. And we also, successfully didn't follow those leaders... This shul is doing a great job of not being manipulated...
 
I want to make it clear that we are supposed to be Gdly. H' does give us an opportunity to be cursed. You have done a good job of that. Mr. Fichman also has... Mr. Fichman, I know you are old, but you've got to stop cursing out everybody who walks by you. Everybody has a little curse set aside for them. We all hear it... We know Mr. Frankenstein walks funny. We know Ms. Fedelstein is old and single. We know you are going deaf, but that is why you have to stop yelling it... I understand you cannot hear your own curses... You cannot claim every seat for yourself. Not every seat in the congregation is yours.... You cannot curse people for sitting; especially in the women’s section. You are not even allowed to sit there. Maybe try blessing them for coming to synagogue... Yes. They'll hear it. But it will be a blessing... We manipulate how we act. It is not if we do... It is that we bless.
 
And if you do not change your ways and stop cheating on your families and mostly yourselves, you will also be cursed... A 60 year old divorced man, with a second wife who took the last quarter of your money, down in Palm Beach, Mr. Fleishman. Shabbat Shalom... 

I have more...
(Devarim 11:28) 'And the curse, if you will not heed the commandments of the Lord your God, but turn away from the way I command you this day, to follow other gods, which you did not know'… You never met Athena…
We are talking about denying Gd here... You worship what's not true. What's wrong and you're denying Gd in your life... By questioning if you are fat, you're denying your Nishama. Your soul... You enjoy and you believe in Gd's blessings... Then don't heed and get cursed, and end up living outside of Israel and thin, without decent shwarma... A curse is listening to Mishebeyrachs after every Aliyah..
Rashi This teaches that whoever worships idols departs from the entire path that Israel has been commanded.
Gd is the root reason for what we do… Also, getting a decent reward in the next world. If you know what I mean… The root. That’s the question. What is your root reason for what you do?… I know that’s meaningful.
Is your root to do good? To do Mitzvot? To worship Gd? To be blessed? Not Mr. Fleishman... It's the Mishebeyrachs, those who are blessed, that follow the root. The meaning behind the Mitzvot... Rachel does it do get a Shidduch, but that hasn't worked... What's your root, our Bar Mitzvah?... Your parents should give more Tzedakah. Keep going with ideas...
 
(Devarim 11:29) Har Gerizim is for the blessings... That's good.
Har Eival are the curses… Not Eibel. It’s Eival… This isn't Kayn's brother... Not Cain. It's not a wrestler... You also called him Esau…
Where are they??? It says it right there. You should know. (Devarim 11:30) ‘Are they not on the other side of the Jordan?...’ Yes. Moshe gave attitude… You should know where stuff is. You couldn’t even find the park for the shul funday… No. It wasn’t fun. If you can't find it, it's not fun... It wasn't scavenger hunt day. People brought frisbees... 
 
(Devarim 11:32) ‘And you shall keep all the statues and ordinances that I put before you this day.’ On the mountains it was said for blessing and curse… To do the stuff… Yes. To scare us… You’re not scared enough… Because you think curses are Mr. Fichman saying you're overweight... These are real curses... Getting kicked out of your home when it's undervalued....
Do good and good happens. Why do I have to always repeat this message? Is it that complicated?
And (Devarim 12:8) No private altars. I've told you this thousands of times... No doing what you think is right… There are commandments. You cross the Jordan and do Mitzvot and smash the idols… Don’t be like them.
You do what is right and you mess up everything.
You're manipulating yourself if you insist to not do Mitzvot... Because you're making decisions. Your decisions are worse than Gd's... No. I am not going to explain this. Just keep the statutes... Whatever statutes are. Keep them.

I know we’re not in Israel… Do what you want...
That is my message to you my Bar Mitzvah. Do you what you want. Just know that if you end up with congregants like Bernie and Mr. Fleishman, it's a curse.

Rivka’s Notes to Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon
 
They really do eat a lot. I think he was using the Nishama Yeteyra eating thing to guise the extra forty pounds he put on last year. It’s extra fat. Not an extra Shabbat soul.
The men  have around 200 Nishama Yeteyras, which is why they dance so bad at the Bar and Bat Mitzvahs. Forget about the weddings. The bride and groom come out and they give up. They just sit down. This way there is no chance of the bride chairlift happening.
The bride and groom sat down, and everybody left. The men were afraid they would have to get in the middle of the circle and do something. Injury. They're out of shape.
To get them in shape, and a bit coordinated, the rabbi insisted on dancing lessons for the men in the shul. He brought in a salsa teacher. Now, their dancing in the same circle line, but their hips are moving a lot more. 
The rabbi also took people to baseball practice. He is worried that the aim from the women's section is going to cause injury. They're landing their throws real far from the Bima (prayer stage). Sadie got hit at Chaim's Bar Mitzvah. We can't have another ambulance showing up to the shul for a Sunkist Jelly fiasco.

To give over the full message of Har Gerizim and Har Eival, the rabbi made us go to different sides of the shul. We knew who the sinners were, as the rabbi started cursing the ones on the left side of the shul.
To scare the congregants more, the rabbi ran a haunted Mitzvah house that week. There was a rabbi telling them they’re going to go to hell. There was a choolante pot with no meat in it. The Chazan went into cantor mode and said 'booh.' When he realized that didn't work, the Chazan started singing the whole Hallel service. People heard that and ran.
 
Rabbi Mendelchem started a new tradition of Mishecurses. You could only bless one person. After that, you had to curse people. The Bima turned into our community Mount Eival. Mr. Fichman was up there for a half hour his last Aliyah, going off on everybody in the shul. Mrs. Greenbaum's purple hat with green flowers was in his curse. He just wanted to make fun of how it looked like a cake.
 
The rabbi really brought out all the community secrets this week. Everybody knew about Mr. Fleishman, but the rabbi gave detail.
The marrying Jewish got a lot of people mad. The rabbi would’ve been better off saying intermarriage is good. People wanted to hear that. The rabbi said it’s a curse of the Jewish people. We lost two congregants that week. Their spouses stayed though. Their non-Jewish spouses really like the rabbi. They also would’ve rather not got married to these people. They can’t stand their husband and wife. They've said countless times that they’re bad Jews.
Dr. Ginsten intermarried, but he won’t accept that it’s an intermarriage, as she says she wants to be Jewish. Her terms are that she will be Jewish if she can divorce him.