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They say they Amerikay. Need keep two day Shavuot. Very funny.
We no in Chutz LAretz. We in Israel. How much blintze you need eat?
We do one day. It Israel. What you do day two? I do. You do. I don't know. More Blintze?
Day two. I go supermarkety. Zey ehhhh eat ehhh. How much Amerkaniy eaty?
I say, 'who cook?' You no cook. No Shabbat. They cook. I mistakeee. Holiday you cookie.
I say, I go storee. Who you buy food? Zey no buy food. It miracle. Zey haveee all blintze. 2,000 blintze. I put on kilo. They ehhhh, Eight kilo. Two day celebrateee. Eight kilo Amerikay gain. Zis why they fatty. Two day Yom Tov. Two day blintze wisss cherry and cheese. Ehhh eight kilo.
Miracle. Ferst day Chag, one kilo. Second day Chag. Second day, ehhhh seven kilo. Zey ehhh want weight. It holy fatyy.
I drivy car. I beep, say, 'Chag Sameach.' I say 'happy holiday.' I say English. Israel. One day. It Israel. We know day.
In Israel, they still wear suit. Studenties Amerikaneees very funny. We no wear suit all time. On Shavuot, no jacket. We no have suit. Very funny. We no suit. Zey wear suit to Tefilla-pray.
I go store. I say 'Shavua Tov.' Amerikay walk to Kotel. Zey walkie to Kotel in suit. I am no suit.
I drive. I beep. Zey ehhh sink I antee-Semee. I no antiee-Semite. I Jew. I beep, say 'Shavuot Happy.'
I eat meat. Zey ehhh lactoseee no. How Amerikashnazy eat blintze two day? I don't know. Nes. Zis miracle. No lactoseee, but they ehhh eaty blintze ehhh wis cheese two day. Very funny. I beep, I say, 'ehhh I milk man ehhh hereee.'
Pesach, they have one more day of Matzah. I haveee stomach BsederOK. Zey eat more Matzah. Zis vhy Amerikanee big heavy ehhh.
Then Sukkot. Simchat Torah wrong day. Zey danceee second night. We dance Shmini Atzeret. Zis Simchat Torah. I no dance sevent time around twice. Zey dance second night to be thineee. Zey need lose weight. They dance. Seven more time they dance and in suit. Lose Matzah and blintzeeee.
No holiday holiday. Very funny. Ehhhh, I don't know. I say Chag Sameachchchch
***From Kibbitzer Staff: Shmulik wrote this through dictation. We are trying to figure out how 'zey' and 'they' were both picked up.
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I was going to do Kaparos before Yom Kippur, but I chickened out.
You get it? Kaparos is the tradition of placing your sins on something else, the day before Yom Kippur, traditionally a chicken, and waiving it. He chickened out of the chicken. He might've done it with money in the end. But that would still be without a chicken.
Designated stroller parking area. Something every shul needs, so I can get through the entrance on Yom Kippur... Truth is they should have stroller parking all the time. The entrance is always blocked.
Problem: Merv and Bernie will end up parking there. They already take the disabled parking spots and walk just fine. When it comes to parking, every member of our congregation is disabled.
Side Note: Figured out why so many kids come to shul on Yom Kippur. Because they get to eat in shul on Yom Kippur.