Child Graduations You Have to Celebrate

by David Kilimnick

What parents do to their kids to get a cute picture at the nursery school graduation. It's wrong. (Photo: tipjunkie.com)

I have never celebrated so many people accomplishing nothing. Nonetheless, it's time to celebrate. And I have to say 'Mazel Tov.' Here are three graduations I just witnessed, that made no sense.
 
Nursery School Graduation
A graduation celebrated with little kids singing and screaming the 'Hatikva' at the same time. Parents sit and watch this spectacle of their tone-deaf child, while trying to figure out if they will also not be smart when they grow up too.
Cute to everybody else, this pathetic display hits its climax when your child, Sara, ends up giving up on her own graduation and sitting on your lap. At which point, you have to carry Sara back to her seat and put the paper circle hat back on her head. Part of this festivity is you having to muster up the Nachis for your graduating child while sitting up there with Sara and the other four-year-olds, singing 'The Ants Go Marching One By One.'
Don’t acknowledge the other parents who think their kids are smart, because they were able to find their seats with their pictures on it.
 
Nursery School non-Graduation
This is to celebrate your narcissistic three-year-old who isn't graduating and doesn’t have the ability to share in other kids’ happiness. Between us, their face was not on the seat. They just took it. The other kids finished nursery school and deserve a celebration, as they are now ready to take on life with their ability to share LEGOs. LEGOs that are 280 times the size of a normal LEGO.
The LEGOs were brought up at the inspirational Nursery Commencement Speech. That's how I know about the LEGO and their importance in a child's development of climbing stuff.
We add your three-year-old into the graduation party by cutting out a paper and making a circle out of it, and then stapling it. The cut paper circle hat demarks all celebrations for children, until they reach fourth grade. At which point they show up to everything in shorts.
 
Kindergarten Graduation
Celebrate this kid finishing kindergarten by handing them a diploma they can’t read. This time the official diploma has a little Hebrew on it, that you also can’t read.
I don’t know if you can consider a graduation official, if the graduate can’t read their own diploma. Nonetheless, there's nachis to be had, as your child Aced naptime. Again, this graduation is celebrated with singing and screaming the 'Hatikva,' and a stapled paper circle strip.
 
To the little ones, enjoy it. Nobody will care about you after third grade.
To you, my friend, just say 'Mazel Tov' to these people. The parents need to hear it. For support. And take pictures. It's cute to see the kids thinking they did something, thinking it's normal to put a paper circle on your head. Until you're eight, it's normal. 
What's not normal is the guy with the guitar. It's creepy. We're still asking why the guy with the guitar is there, wearing shorts. He might be preparing for summer camp. We have no idea how he became part of the graduation.

Whatever you're celebrating, make it a real Simcha by cutting a paper and making a circle out of it, stapling it and putting it on your head.
Next time, we shall discuss every other graduation, guised as a celebration, recital or fair.