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The holidays are over and that means that wedding season is on. I'm here to prepare the young friends of the bride and groom. There are a few tables that you should be aware of. I don't want you to be shocked when you're trying to figure out why you're not enjoying the wedding.
Close Friends Table
These are the only eight people that really care to be there. If you ever thought happiness would not be enjoyable, you are correct. These people will be overly excited and smiling more than a face wants to allow. They are there to add Simcha and an extra level of depression to the wedding.
If you end being stuck at this table, be ready to dance, or you will be sitting alone. These are the lunatics waiting by the door to dance when the bride and groom first walk in. The normal people are eating the filled flaky dough.
They will not be sitting at the table, they will be dancing. They will abandon you, while they wait by the door for their friends to come into the ballroom for the first dance. Then, they'll recruit you to join them in a shtick, and you will be wearing a costume, representing a bad date she had. Then, in the middle of the second dance, they'll ask you to join in a dance they saw at a wedding on Youtube. And you will be leaving the Simcha wondering why everybody thinks you're a hack.
Groom’s Guy Friend Table With Only Guys
Now you know your friend doesn't care about you. As a single man, you question why you even showed up for your friend, the groom. You question why there are so many single ladies, and not one of them is at your table. The hanging out with the guys didn't work when you were living at the fraternity. You question if the groom is your friend. Sitting at the dais, he's selfishly getting married, all happy with his wife, watching you hang with the guys.
Bride’s Girl Friend Table
This is the table where people are having the most fun. This table is generally populated with a lot of hi-pitched ‘wooohs’ in cheering form and a lot of pictures in leaning form. The side head lean into the picture shows how happy you are, and that you're part of it, even though the other girls pushed you to the outside of the picture. The forward head lean in show that you're more at the wedding than everybody else. Without a head lean, you might as well be sitting at the table of distant relatives she never met.
They're extremely happy to celebrate their close friend, that they won't be seeing for the next two years. Their friend who will then be moving to a suburb.
They also seem to be very happy to not be around guys. The one thing that the newlywed’s friend tables have in common is that nobody at either table wants to be sitting with guys.
This is a table that the newlyweds handpicked, by figuring out who has dated and then sitting them together. You will be able to identify this table when you notice nobody talking, and then a random individual running off to the bathroom to cry. That brings the newlyweds happiness.
On a rare occasion, the bride and groom use the singles table as an opportunity to introduce their friends and possibly make a match. That introduction would be at their daughter’s Bat Mitzvah, 12 years later. It's their wedding. They are not think about you.
If you're a new couple, they'll end up sitting you here too. They're not going to change their plans just because you got married.
If you want to fit in at any Singles Table, just sit awkwardly and don’t talk to anybody who you find attractive.
CrossFit Sports Club Buddies Table
These are the people showing up in shorts and dancing the whole time. As they are not just a fitness center, but a family, they had to close down the gym today. Hence, they are exploiting the wedding for their WOD (workout of the day). They are using the dancing for the aerobics, adding in line-dancing and kicks whenever possible.
Do not worry, they're getting in the anaerobic by putting the bride and groom on their shoulders, substituting in for the day’s squats. And then doing the chairlift, working together as a group to do a snatch. And then they're doing pushups in front of the bride and groom for some reason. I was at a wedding where they insisted the bride and groom put their legs on the back of the dude doing pushups. He needed the extra weight to get in a better workout. Another CrossFit friend noticed how awkward everybody was at that point, so she turned it into a shtick and polished the bride and groom's shoes. Asking the bride and groom to hold their legs for back extensions was a bit much, but they needed to finish off the WOD.
If you're at this table, be sure to be there when the meal is being served. Guard it. They have no problem taking your steak. They need the protein.
Done right, the chairs will be mourner height, and the tables will be round and nursery stool height. Even so, they rarely get it right at weddings. That is why the kids run around; trying to find food that is hidden on tables above their heads.
This is where I usually get seated. I am single, they are single, it makes sense. As my aunt says, 'You never know.' I must say, I love chicken fingers.
No Place Card Table
You got invited the last day. Didn’t even get an invitation. Somebody backed out, and you're a backup friend. Now you know that. You didn't even get a call. You got a text. You thought they forgot. They need you now. They were hoping to use you for Sheva Brachot, to complete the quorum for the blessings. Whatever the reason, you should have eaten more at the smorgasbord.
If you're lucky, they will have the table out before everybody come in to sit down.
They bring out this table a good 20 minutes into the table seating, to save face. It's a Chesed move of kindness, to show everybody they care enough to feed the homeless people who are paying for a babysitter too. They set up the table in the corner, with the people from shul, to add to the feeling of punishment. Maybe you wronged them at some point. They probably know you are cheap, and aren’t going to give a decent gift anyways.
Next time, we'll be talking about other tables of family and random community members that you also don't want to sit with.
You might end up with the retirees, distant relatives she never met, the band members, work friends table. If you're lucky, you'll end up at the buffet table. Remember, it's about making the bride and groom happy, even if they sit you at the kids table. The CrossFit buddies will probably be lifting the kids too.
And always remember to enjoy the smorgasbord. You'll also find alcohol there.
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I was going to do Kaparos before Yom Kippur, but I chickened out.
You get it? Kaparos is the tradition of placing your sins on something else, the day before Yom Kippur, traditionally a chicken, and waiving it. He chickened out of the chicken. He might've done it with money in the end. But that would still be without a chicken.
Designated stroller parking area. Something every shul needs, so I can get through the entrance on Yom Kippur... Truth is they should have stroller parking all the time. The entrance is always blocked.
Problem: Merv and Bernie will end up parking there. They already take the disabled parking spots and walk just fine. When it comes to parking, every member of our congregation is disabled.
Side Note: Figured out why so many kids come to shul on Yom Kippur. Because they get to eat in shul on Yom Kippur.