Sermons of Rebuke: Lech Lecha

by Rivka Schwartz

​The rabbi is now working as a Mashgiach at the wine crush. We gave him a raise and he’s taking another job. We never see him at shul, so the board is making a big deal about it.
The way it works is that the rabbi is supposed to take other jobs. That's what the contract says. That's what a spiritual leader does. That's why we hired him. We pay him to be our rabbi to do the other stuff. Most of the other work is Mashgiach work. He watches over stuff. Now it's the grape season and his hands are purple.
He’s working everything. I saw him working at Marshall's the other day. He was checking prices. 
He is getting paid for being Jewish. As long as his work is Jewish, it's OK. On his shift at Marshall's, he was waring a Kippah. Marshall's did good business that day, as all the congregants who had questions about upcoming Simchas showed up to shop. Christians thought he was a priest working the cash register for part of the shift. They were confessing that they felt they were paying too much at other stores. 
 
There was another fight with Bernie. This time it got physical. It was over cereal at the men's breakfast. Bernie got mad when the new congregant took the Wheaties. He was told they were Bernie's 
 
Kiddish Club left with 20 people. 12 were left in shul at the time. One wasn’t Bar Mitzvahed. They started capitalizing ‘Club.’ It’s a thing now. The rabbi couldn’t stop it.
I think the rabbi was not happy, because he forgot to pull out the foosball table during Haftorah this week. Next week he wants to have a tournament during Haftorah, so the rest of the shul has something to do during Kiddish club. The only place the rabbi doesn't work in the city is the Kiddish club. He doesn't consider that Jewish.
 
Rabbi Mendelchem’s Drasha
 
Shabbat Shalom My Kehillah.
 
The Kiddish club has left again… It’s 20 people, Bernie. 20 people left for the Haftorah… There were only 12 inside… Didn’t even look back to see how many… You saw the people leaving and you thought, ‘I should go there.’ That’s what the Exodus looked like... It looked like Jews running out of shul to drink schnapps. If there was schnapps in Israel, the Jews would’ve run there and fought every war. Single malt and no services, the spies would've suggested to go… Schnapps in Israel? Nobody would’ve complained… They would’ve partied without a calf. Giants drinking Binyamina liquor in Israel. The Jews would’ve joined… and not davened… They didn’t even turn around to see if there was a Minyin… That kid? Look at him. He’s not Bar Mitzvahed… He’s eight years old… You think he’s 13, because you’re drunk… You left to drink…
(Bereishit 12:1) Lech Lecha. ‘Go for you’ does not mean to go out and drink in the middle of services… I understand the drinking is for you.
Nobody appreciates it when you come back to shul… Your conversations are louder… You wouldn’t know…
 
And H' said what to Abram? Lech Lecha- 'leave for yourself' from your place....to the land of Israel… That’s the place He will show him. We know how the story goes, Bernie…
And you are still in America. How do you feel? How do you justify your existence as Jews?...
 
And you ask why 'if it's for yourself' your rabbi is here? Kiruv... For other people, is for yourself. Avraham took his people with him. I am here to bring you closer to being good Jews... No. I have not been successful. That is correct, Bernie!!! I am trying though. Max can try to stay awake... Try Max. I know you just got back from drinking with Yonatan...
 have an excuse. I am here to bring you closer to the Torah, to educate you, to set an example, like Avraham; as you do not know. Which is why I also work at Marshall's, the grape crush and 7-Eleven. I was shown... It's my calling. You called... You were hiring. That was my sign from H.’ He showed me you needed a great leader to kill your idols... Whatever that artwork is. It’s disgusting and poorly done. It looks like Michael’s papier-mâché. It's a papier-mâché idol... Which leads me to the synagogue trip I will be hosting this year, to Israel. We will be stopping off in France, Australia and New Zealand. I have never seen New Zealand, so I am sure you will love it. All of the congregants joining will be able to save money, as this year's trip will not involve a return ticket. Although, there is a planned cruise to Africa for those who need another vacation... I will be on the African cruise as well... They need a spiritual leader, and I will do that...
 
Abraham is told to leave 'for himself', 'from your land, your birthplace and your father's home'
 
How do you leave to a new place? Start over? Obviously, you leave your national homeland last... Nobody's house is outside the town that the house is in, Bernie. Why am I getting an argument here?! The Torah has a message... H' is speaking from an emotional standpoint. First you leave your land... Emotionally. If you don't hate your parents, this makes sense... You must lose some connection with your nation. Do not vote. Very important, to not vote, as a citizen, stay away from voting. 'Oh, who do I vote for? Let's vote for the guy that lied to me?' You all rocked the vote the last elections and see what happened...
It says your Father's house last???? That doesn't make sense. If you're leaving your land, then you have left your father's home.
It is hardest to leave your parents' home. We see in our community… Baruch you're 31 and you live in your parents' basement… Not even their house. It’s a basement. Get out… Leave for your parents... Breana are you ever going to give your parents a rest? Get out of their home. They've already fed you for 38 years. They put out money for day school, university… In Baruch's case it's... Get a job...
The final step is leaving your parents' home. In our community, it is physically. We see that nobody wants work. Nobody will leave their parents home... Baruch would make Aliyah, move to Israel in his parent's basement... Avraham's mother was doing his laundry for him. She was cooking dinner. At sixty-five... In those days they stayed longer. They didn't have Vedem Grape Juice factory jobs. Money? They had to make it. They made it from scratch. It was dollar bills, but they had to make each one separately...
Physically, but more important, emotionally... They don't need you calling and crying about your roommate... Then get married.
Leave your parents' house for yourself. Baruch... you will never get married… You’ve dated every girl in the shul… They don't like the basement living... I'm not a prophet, but the girls don't like being taken back to meet the parents, because you forgot something in your room... I am exiling you from our community...
 
(Bereishit 12:2-3) ‘I will make a great nation and I will bless you and make your name big, and you will be a blessing’… all will be blessed through Avraham…
To where? 'To the place I will show you.' You must believe Baruch and all the young adults of this synagogue. Yes, many of you are not set-upable. You have the right to feel like there is no hope... OK, you were not blessed with the looks that say 'Shidduch. Oh, I have a good match for him.' Nor were you blessed with the personality that says, 'I like her.' Nor was anybody in this community blessed with the finances to say, 'He or she is worthy of a spouse.' As we see with the lack of concern of the new building fund… and Mr. Funskils new idea for what he calls a business and non-payment of his dues... Good way to make money Frank. Yes, don't spend it or donate it....
You can't be a great nation in your parents' basement... Avraham was living there. But he was married... Get married. Then move to your parents' basement...
 
(Bereishit 12:5) When he went to Canaan… Yes. That’s Israel… Now we’re going to have to give the land to the Canaanites… This shul is like a Model UN… Got Gaddafi off to the side. Bernie… ‘And Avram took Sarai, his wife’… Sarai is Sarah are the same person… He didn’t leave her like Mr. Fishwitz… ‘and Lot his nephew and all the possessions he acquired and all the souls…’ He didn’t leave the money. He took it. And he took all the inheritance and the souls he made in Haran… His congregants paid him… What am I going to take from this congregation?
Yes, your rabbi lived in Israel. I took all the souls with me… That’s how I ended up here, with you… My last community moved to Israel. They made Aliyah… They listened to my sermons, Bernie. That's how I lost my job… I came back for… Money is not the reason. We took the possessions and money to Israel…
When you leave America, you take your family with you. You do not give up your traditions and your past... Lech Lecha...
  
We do not know where we are going, but that is where we have to be. We must believe there is 'The place,' that Gd will show up. Because if we do not, then we are going to be stuck here, in Topeka... And I know my parents want me and my family out of their home... You need a wife.

When they go down to Egypt, Sarah tells them she is Avraham’s sister… A good wife lies for you. She'll tell you, you're the best… She was good looking… (Bereishit 12:11) Avraham tells Sarah ‘his wife, “Behold, I know you are a good looking woman.”’ It took being scared that they will kill him (12:12) to finally pay her a compliment...
Compliment her. It is for you. That's when they'll help you out. if you compliment them… When you do good to others, it’s for you… Alcohol is not good for anybody… You lose your wife and all the possessions… Yes. That’s how you lose your money.
 
I want Arik to go. He is annoying. Ever since he joined the congregation, he is complaining… He tries to weasel his way out of everything… It’s shul. You come and have complaints about being in shul… Then go for yourself… It’s annoying. Do you show up to work and complain for nine hours that you are there?
He even shows up late for work… See. That was me telling Arik to go to the place H' will show him, outside of the shul... H' apparently shows nobody shul during the week... We don't get a Minyin...
 
(Bereishit 12:1) ‘To the land I will show you.’ Avraham is told to go to a specific place, that H’ will show him… Showing up late to work is not when H’ told you to show… You showed late for Minyin. That’s not where H’ showed you. He did not show you the Kiddish club… Baruch has to leave his house. We pray that H’ shows him how pathetic he looks. We pray He also shows him how to get a decent job. To donate to the rabbis discretionary fund… New Zealand needs aid… The shul trip can use some funding…
You don’t just leave. You go to the land… Not New York. Make Aliyah… There are good looking single girls in Israel… They will lie for you…
No. Baruch. H’ did not show Avraham the Kiddish club...
 
Rivka’s Notes to Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon
Baruch thought that H’ showed Avraham the Kiddish club. It would've been an incentive.
Rabbi was right. There is no way these people will meet anybody if they stay at their parents’ homes. This community is not wealthy enough for that. Avraham meeting Sarah doesn’t happen all the time. In Charan, Baruch would have a chance.
Why are Baruch and Breana not together? There would be too many fights figuring out which one of their parents they would move in with.
The rabbi was right. Baruch was exiled and he got married. Now, he still can't get back into the community. The rabbi has to lift the ban. Somebody just has to remind him to lift the ban. 

The Kiddish Club didn’t get the rabbi’s message. They were still out drinking. They even got mad at the rabbi for not bringing them fermented stuff from the grape juice crush. 
The rabbi's hands were purple the whole sermon. I couldn't catch most of it, as my eyes were focused on his purple palms.

Arik has complained way too much. He showed up to the community three weeks ago and he keeps on telling the rabbi that everything he does is wrong. He's like an American moving to Israel. My friend moved and tells the Israelis how to live. She complains that everything they do is wrong.
 
Shul is the most depressing thing when you show up in the mornings. The congregants have this depressed angry look on their face, as if they are extremely peeved to be Jewish. Then they go out and drink and start talking. They’re all the sudden happy.
The rabbi tried telling them to stop, but it’s hard to reason with drunk people.
 
Poaching from our shul has been something that the new shul down the block has been doing recently. Their rabbi came into shul and handed out his business cards. It seems like he is poaching members and even trying to take our rabbi's job.
The artwork in the shul is idolatrous. Even the paint on the walls is stucco. 
 
The rabbi really wanted to see New Zealand. If he doesn’t get the sabbatical, we’re hitting Hawaii on the next shul trip.
I have a feeling the rabbi wouldn’t mind if the congregants got stuck in New Zealand and stayed. Last I heard about the New Zealand trip, the rabbi worked at Ballantynes Department Store for a couple weeks.

The kids at the Sunday School did a Lech Lecha rap. They still know nothing about the Parsha. However, they are learning how to human beatbox.
We are working on talent in our community. Parents don't send their kids to music lessons, due to fear that the instruments will be played in the house. We are praying the human beatboxing leads to more talent. Dancing is out of the question. There is too much movement in that for our children. If you ever saw the inter-shul basketball league, you would understand. Even with the 80s themed human beatboxing, they are not going to be breakdancing. ​