Sermons of Rebuke III: Emor and Lag BOmer

by Rivka Schwartz

Announcements
Don't be a Chilul H'. We ask the members of our community to mow their lawns. It would appear that most of our membership is not aware that grass grows in the spring, even when it's on their front lawn.
A neighbor came to the rabbi and said they are starting to hate Jews because of weeds. Your dandelions are causing antisemitism. 
 
Lag BOmer marshmallows in a fire pit. That is the event this year. There will be no bows and arrows. As we learned last year, bonfires with bows and arrows is dangerous. Marshmallows makes the arrows more dangerous.
 
The Jazz Festival falls out on Lag BOmer. We want to thank the city council for finally scheduling something that works with our holiday. The Comedy Festival during Tisha BAv was not well attended by Jews last year, and the town board was offended.
 
No more creative Kiddishes. Just because it is somebody's Simcha, does not give them the right to serve vegetarian choolante. Due to the Berkman Kiddish last week, we have decided that all Kiddishes must either have meat or a full hot pasta buffet with cheesecake. 
As a community, we would like to take back our Mazel Tov on the Berkman Bat Mitzvah. The salad and beans brought happiness to nobody. Members are asking that the Berkmans return their gifts.
 
Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
(Vaikra 21:17-24) A Kohen 'that has a blemish shall not come close to offer the food of Gd... nose has a bridge... one limb longer than the other...' Yes. Bernie. If a limb is longer than the other they can't do a sacrifice. If the hem is off a little, you're forbidden from bringing sacrifices... Yes. They are still Jewish. They just can't do the Kohen service.
'or who has abnormally long eyebrows... dry skin...' This congregation does not lotion themselves. The skin on this congregation. I can't even shake hands Good Shabbis. I say hi and I feel like I've got sandpaper rubbing my skin off my hand.
This congregation would have never been able to be Kohanim. I see the Kohens Duchen. The most chapped hands... Your hands are disgusting. I don't even think your blessing counts...

That should be the law. You can't sacrifice with dry skin, and you can't greet people Good Shabbis... I know you work in landscaping. You get home. You lotion up... It's not about you Sam. It's about the people you're saying Good Shabbis to.
Bad skin... Do you want skin falling into your Karban?! Chapped hands all over your meat...
In our shul, we should stop people without hand lotion from getting Aliyahs...

No. I know he has big eyebrows. Anthony Davis is not a Kohen...
Biggest putdown back in the times of the Beis HaMikdash were, 'You would be Pasul from Kehnuaship service.' That's offensive. The bullies would say that...

Kohens also didn't have ugly lawns. If they saw the Frankel's lawn, it would have been written, 'Kohens with lawns like the Frankels can't approach the altar.'
We should burn your lawn for Lag BOmer. That's how messed up it is… There is a community that is not Jewish that pays people to mow their lawns. They know you’re not a farmer... Your hands are soft and they're chapped.
It should look good... Things have to be done right. Kiddish should look good and tasted good. Everybody loves cheesecake Dr. Berkman... The Bat Mitzvah wasn't a Simcha. Nobody was happy...

If the Kohanim got the haircuts, you got last Lag BOmer, they would not be allowed to sacrifice. It looked like chapped hair... Dandruff. A lot of dandruff. You don't want that in your sacrifice either...
They could still eat of the sacrifices, unlike Metzora and Zavs. We will get into those people who couldn't even eat with their families next week... They messed up and they looked off...
If it was a Berkmans Kiddish sacrifice, no Kohen would want to eat it anyways...
 
Rivka’s Rundown
Ugly people were offended when they heard they couldn't be Kohens. By the way, the Kohen family are not good-looking people. I don’t even think they’re Kohens.
After the sermon, everybody was trying to figure out if other congregants' sleeves were off a bit. They were trying to figure anything they could do to not give people Aliyahs. There is a lot of fighting for Kibudim (honors in shul). One guy stole the Anim Zemirot leadership for his son on Shabbat by telling the Gabai the other kid had a pimple.

I her Rachel tell Mark he would've never been able to bring a Karban. That hurt. I think that relationship is over.

The rabbi tried selling Ahava products at the end of his sermon. He told everybody there will be an Ahava showing on Monday at his home. He said it was to support Israel, but I think he's definitely getting a commission.

The marshmallows were a weak Lag BOmer experience. You can put hotdogs on a stick too. Everybody smelled disgusting for days after the marshmallow making. I didn't know smoke could smell that bad. It smelled great with the fire. Mixed with cotton, it's disgusting. And apparently, our congregants don't do laundry very often.
Three foot sticks is not enough. You need at least eight feet on your stick to get enough distance from the fire.

The cheesecake requirement made everybody happy.
The Berkmans sponsored the cheesecake Kiddish on Shavuot, to make up for their Bat Mitzvah follies. Their daughter, Leah, is now allowed to keep her gifts.

The Jazz festival was nice. Our Chazin didn’t sing at it.