What I Learned About Myself and Community Since COVID

by David Kilimnick

No mask protest in Israel, and everybody is wearing masks. That's how we protest our government... I love protests. I had a great time. They're good times festivals for the poor. Right there is a guy teaching son how to play an instrument when dad has no money.

I have learned much about myself since law stated that I can't be friendly anymore. Here is some of what I learned, and how it doesn't fit my Jewish community lifestyle. 

I Like Seeing People's Faces
I have no idea what people are thinking under those masks. And if they can't see what I am saying, everything I say offensive. I have to learn how to stop being sarcastic. It's not going to happen. Till masks are not allowed, I have to stop talking. 

I Can't Meet A Girl With a Mask
I didn't realize how shallow I am. I met a girl, we went for dinner, she took off her mask and it was a totally different person. I imagined wider nose and a mouth that looked horrendous. It was horrendous. I now understand why the groom unveils the bride before agreeing to marry her. You see just the eyes, and... I never knew how much a mouth can throw off a decent set of eyes.
Everybody looks good with a mask. For Shidduchim, there has to be a no mask rule. For singles it is the worst. It's like a bait-and-switch. The eyes are always good. They take off the mask and it's like one of those messed up mix-and-match face cards.
Nobody looks better without a mask. You can only look worse. From the eyes, it can only get worse.

I Can't Breathe in A Mask
By me, not wearing a mask is Pikuach Nefesh. It saves my life. And I can't see. They also fog my glasses. There is more of a chance of me ending up in ER from More of walking into a building then COVID. Not wearing masks saves me from doing something stupid.
No idea how doctors do it. The final test to be a surgical candidate must be sticking somebody underwater for five minutes and blindfolding them. If they can do that, they have a place as a resident.

I Can't Hear Anybody
Everybody sounds like Kenny.

I Have Found a Way to Eat All the Time
I have mastered the art of constantly eating, just so I don't have to wear my mask on planes.

Quarantining Doesn't Make Me Feel Good
I like watching TV, binge watching every series. I just want to make that decision myself. I feel like there is no point in binge watching if I am not missing out on something important that I have to do.

Locking Up People in Nursing Facilities Bothers Me
As fun as staring at a ceiling can be, I am bothered by people in nursing facilities not being allowed visitors. These facilities need to have TV screens on the ceilings, where the residents are staring for twenty hours a day.

I Like People
Yes. The people at shul are annoying. Yet, it's good to see them. For around a year, I had nobody to talk about. How am I supposed to speak Lashon Hara (chatting about others) if I have nobody to talk about?

I Like Saying 'Shalom' To People
I didn't know this till I saw a kid run in fear from me, for being a person. He looked at his mom, yelled 'people,' and ran the other way.

People Get Mad at Me When I Shop
I was at the supermarket, picking up groceries and people were veering their carts away. They gave me nasty looks. I tried letting them know I am not diseased, but they didn't believe me.
At one point, I made it to the dairy section. I got some real nastiness from people there, when I reached for the cottage cheese. They were disgusted with my tolerance for dairy.  I just said, 'I need cottage too.' 
The worst was when I said, 'Hello,' to one lady. She berated me, 'How dare you greet me. It's dangerous to welcome people.'

I Am Trying To Figure Out How Traffic Patterns Made it To Supermarkets
They've got aisles going one way. I have a hard time going down one way streets in the right direction. If it's quicker, I drive wrong.

I Get Mad at People When I Shop
Have to wait at the end of the aisle. Fifteen minutes for this guy to pick out dressing. I'm screaming, 'How long does it take to pick a dressing? I just need some mayonnaise. Pick something already. Take the ranch. Everybody likes ranch. Get out of the aisle. Can you toss me the mayonnaise already?!'

I Have No Idea What Six Feet Is
Another thing I get berated for at supermarkets. People are still yelling at me. 'Six feet!' I have no idea what six feet is. I've got people screaming, 'Get on a sticker. You're between stickers. You stand on a sticker. If you have to, you jump it. Hopscotch it if you must. You don't not step on stickers. And next time, you walk down the aisle in the right direction.'

I Don't Like Politicians Making Decisions for Me
They don't listen to me even after I vote for them. 
If they would listen to me, I would listen to them. If they brought down my taxes, I would happily wear the mask.

I Studied Science in High School
I have a say in this too.

People Love Not Going to Shul
I have noticed half of my community watching the news, praying for another quarantine, so they have an excuse to not show to shul. They're like kids praying for a snow day. I want to see these people at shul, but they never come. I called an older gentleman to see why he wasn't in shul. He said there was an outbreak in New Zealand. Any excuse. 
They're exploiting COVID, to get out of events. They haven't bought Bar Mitzvah gifts in two years and they're loving it. I've seen them in shul, praying for the governor to shut down the state, so they don't have to listen to the rabbi's sermon.
How all of this leads to them golfing and shopping together, I do not know.

People Are Disgusting
People need to be told to clean themselves. Why do you think they were telling people, 'Wash your hands,' in the beginning of COVID? Because people are disgusting. We have to tell the people to clean themselves. COVID protocol: clean your hands, shower and don't sneeze on others. 
'Sanitize your house'? Beforehand, counters were full of mold. People were thinking it's fine to let it grow. 
The people were not taught right at my shul. They are disgusting. Very unsanitary. I suggested we get everybody to come out and get their hands washed with the Cohanim. They need us watching over them.  In shul, these people are shaking my hand. They sneeze in the right hand and then come for a shake. I was giving elbows before this whole COVID thing.
If you're going to shake my hand, clean it first.

I Don't Like Being Attacked
Some people in my shul came at me with elbows. I thought we were doing an elbow shake. He's coming in with an attack. It was a kickboxing move he must've used at the supermarket, when somebody was coming in for some cottage cheese.

What I learned that I want more than anything is for people to be healthy, so I can talk about them. It's forbidden, but it gives me something to do. 
I like community. No matter how unsanitary it is, I want to be around people, to have something to complain about. Right now, I feel better about complaining about not being near people. But, next week, I'm going to need something to do. Maybe I'll start going to the supermarket more often. I am sure I'll see them there, trying to get some cottage cheese. They'll cut me off and get mad at me, like they do when I also want choolante at Kiddish.