Shabbat Bathroom: Adventures of Mikakel Kaleekaku

by Mikakel Kaleekaku

A Frum neighborhood necessity. Making the walk home from Kiddish possible.

Kiddish Food Is Amazing
There was a great Kiddish at shul. I finished eating whatever I could at Kiddish and had a two mile walk for Shabbat lunch. I thought it was good planning. So, I filled up at Kiddish. Had the herring, kichel, schnapps, choolante, kugel, gefilte fish. I even had Danish, as that is Jewish cake.  I felt bad when some of the other congregants didn't get kichel and potato kugel, but I enjoyed it. It was a small plate, but I was right back at the table.
I didn't sit down at Kiddish, as that would interfere with the time I needed to refill my plate, possibly hindering my kugel access as well. I didn't move from the table. That was a technique I saw my friend Shloymi doing. He told me to that you pick a spot near the good stuff, blocking out other people from scooping it. The 'good stuff' means choolante to Shloymi; at least until the meat is gone.
It was an excellent Kiddish. The kind that makes it worthwhile to be Frum. It mamish makes you want to go to shul. A reason to pray. I ate. I started to walk. I should've waited. They had kishka in the choolante, and I still don't understand what that means. They told me it was stuffed innards. But it was pareve. I don't know how they created non-meat animal products. All I know is that I'm new to Frum living, so I haven't learned to time my kishka stomach abilities. 

The Walk To Shabbat Lunch
I started walking to lunch. Ten minutes in, my stomach was killing. Around twenty minutes in, I got the sweats. I couldn't hold it. As a Bal Teshuva (somebody new to being religious), my stomach was not yet coated for heimish food. I had to go to the bathroom.
What was I to do? Even my rabbi, who I asked later, had no idea. He said he hadn't had this Shayla (question) asked of him much before. I guess people don't share this issue publicly. They must go when they're stuck on a long Shabbis walk with no bathrooms. The rabbis must not consider that carrying.
I had no idea what to do. I can't knock on doors, going to strangers homes, 'My stomach is killing. I need your bathroom. It was a really good Kiddish.' They don't understand Shabbis or kishka.
Twenty-five minutes in, and I am walking slow, I had no choice. Each step, I'm taking a chance. I knocked on a door and scared the family. When they realized I wasn't there to proselytize, they threatened to call the police. If I tried converting them, they might've let me in. Converting them would've been the normal thing to do. They would've understood I had a reason to be there. 

Public Bathrooms Are Not Shomer Shabbis Friendly
Being that I couldn't knock on more random people's doors, to use their bathroom, I started walking real fast. I thought that was my only choice. That didn't help. 

I got to the library, which was open, though people don't use it. Problem! They only had electric doors to get into the library. Anti-Semites. They know Jews will hang out there on Shabbis if the doors aren't electric. The air-conditioning.
Seeing no Frum Jews, as we can't use electric doors on Shabbat, I waited there for somebody to walk in. I don't know how inconspicuous I was. I tried standing there right outside the door, waiting for somebody to return a book, with my suit and tie in the summer heat. My plan was to walk in right as they did, so that they would be the ones using the electricity. I was going to piggyback off their sin; hence; not sinning myself.
Finally, somebody came and I chased them into the library. I did everything I could to avoid triggering the doors. Sneaking behind people to get into a building takes tact. I definitely think they saw me. I was the only one going into the library on a Saturday with a suit, and it was a small doorway. I believe I rubbed up against the guy. The guy jumped a bit and I heard the guy cry out, 'He's chasing me.'
He must've thought I took his wallet. So, I ran. I made it to the bathroom real fast, before they got to security.

The toilet was electric. I hope I'm not going to Gehenim for the flush. I had to go. I jumped off the seat. I hope it didn't sense me. I hope it only flushed because there was a fly that ran past the censor. 
I couldn't wait there for somebody else who needed the bathroom. If I could've, I would've waited for them to need to sit, and jumped up right away.

Follow Up Notes
Security should know Jewish law. How many Jews throughout history have been convicted due to keeping the laws of Shabbat? Guilty due to needing a bathroom on Shabbat.
All towns with Jews should have Shabbis bathrooms between shul and the homes of the Frum Jews.

I hope Jews don't get a bad rap because of electric doors and elevators. Later that day, I had to go fifteen stories. I jumped into an elevator after that woman. She asked what floor I am on. I said I live on your floor. She was freaked out. She'd never seen me. She didn't know I was Shomer Shabbat, and just trying to get closer to the fifteenth floor, where the hosts for Shabbis lunch live.
I ran down two flights after we got off the elevator, and made it to Shabbat lunch before she could report me to security.

Next time, I'm striking up a conversation about the book. That will be more inconspicuous. As they come to the door, I'll ask what book they're returning. Ask if it's good. They'll think I'm one of those Blockbuster pros who knows how to pick out the VHS tapes right when they're dropped off. Then, when we get inside, they return the book and I'm off to the bathroom. Like they never met me.

​The Kishka was worth it. To note, pareve is Frum for vegan. Anything pareve is vegan, even eggs.
Now I know why orthodox Jews like to live next to the shul. I'm going to buy a house near the shul. My post Kiddish walking abilities are no more than ten minutes.