Sermons of Rebuke II: vZot HaBracha and Simchat Torah

by Rivka Schwartz

​Announcements
We apologize for the messed up Sukkah decorations in the shul. Too many members of the sisterhood got involved in the feeling of the Holiday Season, and they ended up decorating with pumpkins and RIP signs.
 
Simchat Torah Dancing lessons will take place in the hallway. Also known as Simcha dancing, the Rebbetzin will show you how to do the kick and do the grapevine. This will ensure synchronization on the women's side. For the men's dancing, the rabbi will teach the men how to walk in a circle correctly.
 
No whipping candies at kids this Simchat Torah, though some of the kids deserve it. We had too many injuries last Simchat Torah due to sweets and bad aim. There was a lot of random bystanders hit by the gummies. You may aim at kids that will have Bar Mitzvahs soon, to prepare them.
Also, no tossing candies into the middle of nowhere. Kids become very violent when chasing candy. With that in mind, from now on, we will not allow for contact football in the shul hallway without pads.
 
Please clean up your Aravot. They were left over from last Hoshana Rabba.
 
Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Happy Congregants...
The two of you.

(Devarim 33:4) We were told at Sinai, 'The Torah that Moshe commanded us is the heritage of the Congregation (Kehillah) of Israel.'
That is our heritage... The Torah. For crying out loud. How clear can it be? Moshe tells us 'The Torah' and you still don't get it's the Torah. What do we have to do to get you guys to do Mitzvahs?! Throwing candies at kids is not a heritage... It's Simchat Torah. Not a Bar Mitzvah... Not the Torah that Phillip gave you. It's the Torah Moshe commanded us. That's our heritage... Oh. Phillip gave you a nice Chumash. Enjoy it...

Your aim was off. You hit Max and Sim... Why are you whipping candies at eighty five year olds? Bad aim... They were Bar Mitzvahed seventy years ago… You even hit the Torah... Then work on your aim. You're not supposed to hit our heritage... 
Some of the kids deserve it. They've been running around the shul too much. The parents do nothing. We should be whipping them at the parents...
I never said it was the other shul's heritage. They’re a messed up Kehillah too…

Dancing on Simchat Torah is a heritage... There's a reason we don't support hip-hop dancing in shul. Have you seen how bad it looks when Pinchas goes into the bottom rock?! In the Jewish cypher, there should only be the one handed hold and kick... Being happy on the holidays is our heritage… I know that’s hard in this shul.
Right after Yom Kippur and you’re already speaking Lashon Hara… I speak the truth… Lashon Hara is not our heritage.
 
Halloween decorations in the Sukkah are not a Bracha... Even if you got a deal, it's not our heritage.
Halloween decorations are not a heritage of Israel. Scary plastic skeletons didn't happen when the nation gathered at Sinai.
We don’t celebrate Halloween… I know we give out candy on Simchat Torah. But Halloween?... And why are you whipping them at the kids?... Your soft toss into the pile, where the kids beat each other for a Mike and Ike is wrong too…
Decorating with gourds should also be Asur (forbidden). They should've never made it into the Sukkah. They're like little pumpkins...

The kids were scared of the Sukkah. It has RIP in it. It was a haunted Sukkah… Was that your program? What were you trying to do? Get the kids to cry? We already have issues getting them to shul...
(Devarim 33:5) We're called 'Jeshurun.' Meaning straight and righteous. We're a straight and righteous people... If you threw straight. You whipped the candies. It was a haunted house where you got injured by candies flying at you... I know it gave the feeling of having bats...
Decent dancing this year. For crying out loud. Make it a heritage that we dance in a straight line for once. A straight dancing line that leads into a circle of righteousness...
 
You don't do Hoshanos and then leave all your trash in the shul. Even if it's our heritage...
Lashon Hara is not straight and upright. That’s not our heritage. Nor is how Bernie walks... You're hunched Bernie.
Decent dancing this year. For crying out loud. Make it a heritage to dance right. And to walk upright too, Bernie...

You should speak Lashon Hara about people who don't clean up their Aravot.
I have no idea what the rest of the Parsha says... My Hebrew is not that good.
 
Rivka’s Rundown
It's good to know our rabbi has limitations. I'm fine with him not understanding the Torah. 

The rabbi didn’t bring up Shemini Atzeret as part of our heritage. He just talked about Simchat Torah. When asked, he said that Shemini Atzeret is a real holiday.
 
Once the heritage conversation came up, the congregants started asking the rabbi about the house they didn’t get in the inheritance. They then started complaining about their families and how they deserved more. Sibling fights were abundant in the community following the rabbi’s speech. It turns out that a lot of people were not happy with the way their parents drew up the will. 
 
The shul tradition is to whack the Aravot (willow branches) on the ground and then to leave the leaves and all of their trash in the shul.
Some people even take their garbage bags, to the shul and drop them, as part of the tradition. Others just through their Lulav over the Aron (ark) to make it harder for the custodian to clean up.

The rabbi gave the VZot HaBracha sermon on Shabbat, as he noted, 'You people drink too much on Simchat Torah.'
After another year of extremely bad Simchat Torah candy aim, the rabbi took the congregants to the park to work on pitching skills. For shul safety at Bar Mitzvahs, and continued poor aim, the rabbi started protecting the older congregants with his Tallis.
There were a lot of injured kids this Simchat Torah, again. It’s good to not allow Rick to whip candies at the little ones. He’s an angry guy.

The rabbi also gave more dance lessons. The rabbi realized the men of the congregation are just not coordinated enough to walk in a circle. And then he went off on how the programming is also not coordinated.
The Rebbetzin tried teaching Simcha Dancing. It didn’t happen. The women couldn’t get the line right. Nor the kicks. The Rebbetzin will be teaching a course in Simcha Dancing over the winter. By the end of the winter, the women should have down the knee kick and then the regular kick, along with the crossover walk. She advertised it as a self-defenses Simcha dancing. Housewives are very into self-defense.
  
I have to commend the rabbi. For the group prayers of health and the Avinu Shebashamayim prayer, he did a great job in involving everybody. He did the head pickup and look around to have everybody join. He is very smooth with how he raises his neck and looks around to get everybody to join.
He also did a hands in the air to show connection with God during services for the prayer for rain. He’s really been showing his spirituality recently. I think he wants a raise.
 
The Sukkah was Halloween themed. It was scary, and I think we lost some congregants who felt like their neighbors did Halloween better than the sisterhood.
 
The rabbi has been crying out loud a lot the past few weeks. Maybe it’s something to do with Yom Kippur. A lot of crying out loud at the congregation.
 
The rabbi saying Lashon Hara is not our heritage had many people questioning their connection to Yiddishkeit. Many people approached the board saying their families have always spoke Lashon Hara, and they wouldn’t want to be part of a community that doesn’t. It’s tradition.
It was decided to have Lashon Hara circles in the shul, to ensure that the community tradition of Lashon Hara is never lost.
They brought in a new Chazin for the holidays, though. I argued that we didn't need a Chazin singing tunes we didn't know. We have enough people to speak Lashon Hara about in the women's section.