Sermons of Rebuke II: Noach

by Rivka Schwartz

Announcements 
No pelting candies at kids. If they are not celebrating their Bar Mitzvah, there is no reason to hurt them.
 
The rabbi is religious. He has proven himself. His Shema is now taking an extra minute and fifteen seconds. The members can now look to the rabbi as a spiritual leader. He's also covering his head with the Tallis.
 
Nobody could follow the services on Yom Kippur, and the page announcer is not loud enough for the old people, so we’re getting rid of page announcing. We're going to have a page scoreboard in the front of the shul. This way the old people and the shul's Bal Teshuvas can follow, and not bother people for page numbers constantly.
 
New Rules: No forcing stories about your past jobs. Merv yawned at his own story about lawn-mowing. And he kept on going. That is not allowed anymore. It's abusive.
No more overhand cupping on the handshak. It’s too gayvadik.
You're required to not destroy the shul and smile at people. See the new paint job, now that your relatives who destroyed the shul are gone. We cleaned the candies off the floor as well. We also said Hello to people.

Nobody sponsored Seudah Shelishit or Kiddish.
 
Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
(Bereishit 6:13) H' tells Noach, 'The end of all flesh has come... for the earth is filled with robbery (chamas)...' And you still haven't paid your dues... Not sponsoring Shalishudis is stealing... Yes. It was hatred too. Hatred amongst people. Seeing the back left, you can understand...
If it was this shul, it would be the annoying Bal Teshuvas telling everybody what to do... Yes. It's annoying and it makes people want to destroy the earth. Nobody wants to hear you say how to daven... I know. I close my eyes and say 'LMan Tzikuru' out loud. I do a long Shema. I'm a good rabbi. You just started doing this last month... A raise should come but the shul is filled with Chamas. The board does Chamas.
People not being able to find the right page is another reason for destruction… Then don't tell people what to do, until you've learned how to find the page. You're a Bal Teshuva and it will take time. In the end, you'll be able to be annoying and tell people how to do stuff, like the Gabai does... 
Whipping candies at people. Destruction… You end up hitting Ethel.
 
With all this negativity, (Bereishit 6:16) 'A window you should make for the ark, and finish it to a cubit from above...' With all the negativity he focuses on building an ark, and finishing it. The building fund thermometer has been at 100k for the past twelve years. We need 300k... That's why the building isn't finished... When there's a leak and that causes a hole in the roof, the building isn't finished, Bernie. Maybe donate something... It's like we're davening in a Sukkah...
A window. A decent window... No. That's not a window. That's a picture of Avraham and sheep. To quote Artscroll, many commentators say it was the window Noach opened after the flood. Some say it was a precious stone that illuminated light within (Rashi).
You need light. And that comes from an outside source. Not from the board. Not from messed up construction... There is not one window in the chapel...
It's the connection. Even when inside, we are connected to the world. We're comforted by what's outside our home.
 
That's not the point. I know you don't know what a cubit is. Nobody is asking Bernie to build it. His arm is the wrong size... Measurements are off all over this shul. You've got to slide sideways into the bathroom stall...
When things get messed up, the light can’t come through. This shul has issues because light shines wrong in the sanctuary… Because you didn’t look at the architect’s sketches. The architect said a window and you put in a stained glass sketch of a sheep... Light comes through on a bright day, and I found a little spot that is clear glass...
 
We have to be honest about the destruction, so we can build. So we can see the light that is not our membership... Messed up members ruining things...

We need light. We don't need everything announced. Paying dues so we can fix the lighting issue in the congregation... Then a better window might not be necessary... Stained glass does not illuminate as well...
Cleaning is not an announcement. It’s expected… No. Cleaning is not upgrading… And we can still see the dirt on the stairs… Wait till 10am when the sun hits the stair crack dust…
You’re announcing pointless stuff. ‘The floor was cleaned.’ That’s not renovations... And why are kids throwing candies on the floor? It's destruction. That's how the world is destroyed. They threw the leftover lollipops on the ground and people stepped on them... That's at least how shoes are destroyed.
 
If it wasn’t the pages that you couldn’t find, you were just talking throughout the service… How many times can you ask somebody the page?! It looked like you were asking Felvel what page we’re on all of davening… Well, you were talking the whole time then...
You’ve been doing it for two weeks… No. Don’t tell us how to be Jews. First be religious for a year. Then you can bother people like the back left section of the shul... 
Merv. You yawned at your own story ‘Man. My story is boring.’ That's what you were saying while you were telling the story... Well your stories kill conversation. Even you were bored telling it...
We need a better Kiddish…. People come to shul for Kiddish. They don’t come for sermons… I know my sermon is important. I get across the message to have a good Kiddish. Bad Kiddeshes destroy shuls and bring no light...
 
It's all destruction. Yet. I try to find the light.
I was concentrating on Davening. Looking outside. Focusing on not being here.
It’s holiness. That’s what I do. Holiness… Yes. I close my eyes for an extra three minutes now… It’s not spacing out. It’s connecting to Gd. That’s why you wait an extra two minutes for the rabbi to finish the Amidah. Holiness. The holiness I bring. A light…

(Bereishit 8:6) Noach opened the window after the flood. The first thing you do after a crisis is to connect to the world. It's what you want to do. I can't wait to leave shul. Every Shabbat...
You guys won't even leave your homes to show up to Minyin. Minyin. A communal light for Kaddish... During a crisis, you look out the window. You see what’s outside. You see the hope. Then you leave it... Yes. COVID. Do I have to spell this out???
The shul has congregants, but the window is there. A window of Avraham. I can see out of it if I squint and find that little piece of regular glass that wasn't stained... It's called stained. The board should've known there's an issue with it when they installed it... It's hope. Hope to not be here. When I'm inside, stuck here with a Chazin who doesn't know a Nigun from his left foot. When there's a shul president who thinks we need to make a more democratic decision with Davening and vote if we should have a Minyin, there's a ray of light... A light that shines away from the board. A light of hope. And I shall open up that window when the weather permits... It's cold outside. Close it.
The ark could use some touch ups... Not a window.
 
It’s all this that causes robbery. The shul's annoyingness is what causes Chamas in the shul.
Cupping of the hands to show you’re more important...
The halls were destroyed. Relationships were destroyed with boring stories. There was hatred in the shul, and Seudah Shelishit was destroyed because nobody sponsored it...
 
Rivka’s Rundown
The rabbi went off for a long time on how we destroy the shul. I think he mentioned at least fifty things that Bernie does himself that destroy the shul.
There's hints of COVID in every sermon now.

The alt-liberals in the shul didn’t like the rabbi’s sermon. They felt that it was against Chamas. The left-wing Jews are very pro-robbery in our shul.
 
The rabbi definitely threatened to leave the congregation if he gets offered another job. 'Opening the window when the weather permits.' I know what that means.
 
Now they’re whipping candies at kids that are Bar Mitzvahed. After Simchat Torah, the board realized that they need to candy throwing rules. They realized they can’t hamper the hankering for whipping candies at kids if they can whale on Bar Mitzvah boys. It helps a lot of families, stopping family fights at home. So, they limit it to hurting Bar Mitzvah kids.
You can’t stop them from hurting Bar Mitzvah boys. It’s tradition.

Everybody jumped on that opportunity of people not coming to shul for sermons. Rabbi should not have said that. He opened it up and there were boos heard in the congregation. One lady said, 'This is the first sermon I agree with.' Another guy just shouted, 'You stink.'
I don’t know how the congregants needed the rabbi to say that before giving him trouble for giving sermons. Personally, I love the rabbi's sermons. I still enjoy the rabbi telling the members how messed up they are.
 
The board has gotten annoying. They've started announcing everything. ‘And the shul has a new ping pong table…’ A ping pong table???? ‘And we cleaned’ What does that mean? Why are they announcing that the shul did something you do every week. Then the president is announcing, 'There's going to be Minyin at shul.' We know.
And by the way. The shul had a ping pong table. Are the kids learning Torah on the table?! What’s the announcement for?
 
The shul is getting a new page number board, so people can see what page we’re on. We’re going to have a referee flipping the numbers.
The board argued for digital. When they rabbi explained that they only come on Shabbat, some of them understood why it had to be a number flipper set.
The Bal Teshuvas telling everybody what to do, though they still can’t find the page. It’s annoying. The shul's group of Bal Teshuvas seems like they know what's going on, with big Kippahs and huge Sheitels, but they still can’t read Hebrew. 
Get the spot and then tell me what to do. This new girl asked me the page and then told me that I was not focused on my prayers properly. She told me I have to close my eyes more to have proper Kavanah (prayer focus).
 
The rabbi has been closing his eyes a lot now when praying. It looks more penitent.
People stare at the rabbi during his Kriyat Shema. Our rabbi has been adding an extra focus and an extra loud 'Tizkiru.' He's proving himself as holy. He even closes his eyes a lot more during davening, and shakes his head from side to side. I think he's going for a raise. It's a contract year.
They really do stare at him. Some look at their watches. I saw one let out and angry sigh when the rabbi didn’t hit the minute fifteen on the Shema. She even threw up her arms. I think she joined a different congregation now.
He’s trying hard. He’s making us wait for him to finish the Amida now. With the Tallis over his head, he’s truly showing he’s holy.
 
The rabbi didn't really quote Artscroll. He paraphrased Artscroll, using their words. I saw the commentary right before his sermon. I want to suggest to the rabbi to not use Artscroll. It's too accessible to us, and it makes us feel too smart. He loses his rabbinic edge when he talks about stuff we know. And he loses the street cred he's gained with his long Shema.
He used 'firmament' in his sermon. Nobody knows what that means. Using a translation into English that people don’t understand (not just the Hebrew), it adds to his holiness and brings back his edge a bit. They’ve got to give the rabbi a raise.

The Bal Teshuva is causing problems. I call him the Bal Teshuva, because he's the annoying one. His parents also hate him now. He's telling them what to do too. Once he became religious, he told his mom she raised him wrong and she's going to Gehenim, unless if she gives his Yeshiva money.