Sermons of Rebuke II: Emor

by Rivka Schwartz

Announcements
We understand the excitement of being called to the Torah, but high-fiving the guy getting an Aliyah is not allowed anymore. It has to be a handshake. There has been cheering and yells of 'you're the man' by Tuvi. It disturbs the Mi Shebeyrachs for sick people and it's now considered forbidden. Acceptable phrases are 'Shabbat Shalom,' Yasher Koyach,' or 'Chazak uBaruch.' It's at a point where the older congregants are scared.
The rabbi wants to note that pride is OK. Yet, we must keep in mind the guy with the Aliyah is doing nothing. The guy who read the Torah did all the work. Even so, you can still wish a Yasher Koyach to the guy who did nothing, to bring some undeserved pride.
 
Lag BOmer bonfire will take place with the fire department's consent, only in the park's fire pit, due to last year's home burning and illegal protest. We've met with city council and explained that it was not a protest, just incapable people. The rabbi explained our congregation to them, and they understand.
 
The shul softball game for God will take place next Sunday.
 
Shul rule: No hitting Sadie in the middle of the Amidah, even if you're worried she passed out, due to her eyes being closed and snoring. It is her way of following the teachings of Chana. Chana did not fall asleep, as she wasn't eighty-five. More rules to come next week.
 
Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Holy Congregants…
Yes. There are limitations. You can't eat all the kugel at Kiddish. It's not right... You have to sometimes not do what you want to... The shul has rules in place to keep Hymie from telling jokes...
(Vayikra 21:1-2) H' tells Moshe to tell the Kohens 'he shall not contaminate to anybody among his people, except for a relative that is closest to him...' This means his wife (Rashi)... I understand you're not close to your wife. We've talked about this... The Minkowitz family has to work on their relationship. They have many Netflix fights with the big TV... They also fight over Amazon shows. Good question. We talked about you playing the news to bring you together... You are old. Old people watch the news...
Who is closer? Your cousin?... I understand you're friends, and you shared a room at the Kosher Convention. But you can't... You can. You're not even a Kohen. A Kohen can only become Tamei (impure) for parents, childrens, siblings... Yes. His wife... It's his wife... Even if they are married, they are close. I understand they hate each other. They are close in hate... Very similar in hate. Hate brings a marriage together...

It speaks in singular to everybody, because each person has to do it... Each person has to be holy... I know you like to throw off your responsibilities on the Kohens... That's their family name. They're not Kohens... I know it's confusing...
You can go to the Shiva. Kohens can go to a Shiva. You're not a Kohen Frank... Laziness is not the calling of the Kohen...

You're not a Kohen, but you do need a better hairstyle… (21:5) ‘They shall not make a bald spot on their heads…’ I understand it’s natural. It still looks bad.
Lag BOmer is coming up. Get a haircut… You should shave it to a one. Camouflage your bald..
I get you're not a Kohen, but you shouldn't do what you enjoy... Don't be you.
To be holy, you need limitations... That also means not going with a harlot... I understand you're not a Kohen. Doesn't mean you should not be close to your spouse...
We need to get rid of stuff... We must throw it in the fire this Lag BOMer. The Feinblum art exhibit...
Let's get rid of our non-holiness. We all serve God... No. You can't go around asking for people's tithes... You're not a Kohen Frank...

Be holy... We're supposed to be a holy community... Do what is right. Get a decent haircut. Go to the Shiva houses. Share Kiddish. Get an Aliyah and don't have an ego about it. Let Sadie daven without hitting her... You don't have to be a Kohen to not be a fool...
 
Rivka’s Rundown

The Kosher Convention was amazing last year. They even had Kosher food. It was exciting to go to a hotel and have Kosher food. That was the event. Kosher food in a hotel. Two years ago they had a scholar-in-residence. He killed the good times. So many complaints came in, as was said, 'We could've been eating.'
 
We have to change names of people in our congregation. It’s getting confusing. We have the Kohens that are Israelites. We have the Levis which are Kohens. We have the McDougals that are Jews.
 
The don't be you part of the Sermon really touched everybody, especially the singles. It really got them thinking about why they're single. At Kiddish, Chanan discussed this with his table and came to the conclusion that it was because he was him. The idea of 'not being you' helped with many marriages as well.
I hope the other members got the message of responsibility. Otherwise, they still won’t pay their dues.
 
Limitations. Community is about limiting yourself so that other people can get to the Kiddish table too. The problem is that they think that since they're not Kohens, they can take all the good danish, kugel and kichel.
 
With Lag BOmer coming up, the rabbi should've spoke about limitations of how big the fire should be. Last year it was not under control. I hope that the new Boy Scouts troop at the shul learned how to contain a fire.
Other than last year’s burning fiasco, the burning of Chametz caused a town hazardous smoke warning.  Apparently, burning plastic bags is not wanted in our town.
We learned a lot about haircuts during the sermon. The rabbi brought up messed up hairstyles, and then focused on Michael for fifteen minutes. The rabbi went through the whole right ladies section and back left mens section, to show how haircuts can make you look bad. 
 
The shul softball game was messed up. It was a non-relaxing community get together. More family fights took place there than at Kiddish. The ball was thrown in the Lag BOmer fire out of anger, which caused more family fights. Next year, husbands and wives will be on different teams. We have realized that being against each other causes for less hatred than being with each other.
 
We threw out a lot of stuff into the bonfire. The shul bonfire was amazing. We burned the table cloth donated by the Feldmans. We burned the candy wrappers the parents don't clean up after their kids. We burned the chair and books that the Zeldman family dropped off, because they didn't want them in their house. It looked like a protest.
The Zeldmans were not happy they didn't get a tax write off for dropping their garbage off at the shul.

Couple counseling is starting in the shul. The focus will be to not be you. The therapy sessions will focus on being like the Bergsteins and not the Minkowitzs. The Bergsteins are a happy family, as Mr. Bergstein is usually out of town on business.
Many people are asking for support to be able to attend the counseling, and to vacation away from family, to help with Jewish family unity.