Sermons of Rebuke II: Bereishit

by Rivka Schwartz

​Announcements
Now that family guests are gone, hallway playing and wrestling must stop. The shul has to put money in for hallway touch-ups. We'll never see money from guests. We do see destruction of the shul from them. Thus, dues have been raised, and we are doubling your card flips.
Please think before you invite your family for the Chagim next year. We don’t want to see the Peskobergs again.
 
People have to pay up for Mishebeyrachs. You flipped the cards, you have to pay those too. Pledges are something you have to pay. They’re not an idea for how much you think other people should give the shul. They're not a vote.
Now that the High Holidays are over, the shul office will now be sending letters, to make sure you all pay. It will be a bill.
 
Community diet begins now. The shul is too heavy. Though they commanded you to eat Kugel, no blaming the rabbis for your weight.
The rabbi has declared only two huge meals a week, for Shabbis. No more twelve huge meals a week. We have six months to Pesach. The rabbi wants the shul to be in shape for the Matzah.
 
Single members are now broke. We have charged them as much as possible. Seats were expensive this High Holiday season. With all we did, single people are still coming to shul. The board apologizes for that.
 
Class on involvement in prayer will be given. Please know that when the rabbi or Chazin raises their neck and looks around the congregation, you should join in and sing at that point.
                                                                        
Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
(Bereishit 1:2) The earth was nothingness. Tohu Vavohu. Like the amount you all donated last year. Nothingness. Tohu Vavohu.
H' creates from here. 'In the beginning' from nothingness. Nothingness, kind of like the Simchat Torah dinner... A piece of lasagna doesn't make dinner... A bite is not dinner, Fran. Nothingness. Kind of like the way the kids treated the shul. Which is why we need to create renovations and touch-ups. Nothingness. Like the energy you give... I have created from that. I have given sermons from your nothingness...
We are supposed to try to be like Gd... That doesn't mean telling everybody what to do… I understand you're president. But you're president of the shul... Godly is donating to the shul...
Those were long Mishebeyrachs. Pay up… From now on, you have to pay each congregant for their time… To listen to all your family names… You didn’t mention Pinchas by name. Pay him… You mentioned everybody else by name in your Mishebeyrach. Herman, Minachem, Rivka, Fran, Pinchas... Pay him... Then pay your pledge... We can’t create anything in this shul, on any day, without your pledges paid...
 
 
The kids have to calm down. They can’t create a jungle gym here…
Shul should be meaningful… Fun can be found in meaning… We can’t have running and races.
They were running all over
YOUR NEPHEWS AND NIECES ARE CRAZY!!!
They were playing Marco Polo… I love the game. Great game. Tons of fun… They were playing it in the shul. The Chazin was in the middle of the Unetana Tokef prayer, and all we can here is Marco Polo… It’s a prayer of life and death…
The usher should keep kids out during the UNetana Tokef… I know she lost, and it was Negiah… That’s also Asur…
Now the congregants want Torah kissing races… Who can run up and kiss the Torah first.
 
H' created... Before He rested.
He even created rest... Bernie. You're not supposed to rest now. You've done nothing. You've created nothing this week... At least pay your pledge first. And then rest. That's what H' would do...
We can’t create anything in this shul, on any day, without your pledges paid.
As people we have to create something decent. Like a new wall. Thanks to all the kids destroying the shul over the Chagim.
We have to create light. Like H' who created light as His creation on day one.
Right now we have dark. Paying your Yizkur appeal donations... You flipped the cards.
After H' creates people, he says all is 'very good.' I am trying to see it. It's hard to see it when we don't have electricity.
It's hard to see it when you have a board like this....
(1:31) 'And H' saw all that He did and it was very good.'
Why is the second day not good? There was only separation
You have to pay the doubled card flips. It’s for H’.
You have to pay your pledges… No. Pledges are not an idea. They’re an amount you promise to pay. Like a creation you made… I know. That’s the problem. You don’t create
 
I thought I was creating a singalong when I lifted my neck and looked around... You didn't join in.
 
To create, you have to be in shape
You have created out of shape bodies during the holidays. That’s one thing that you created.
Nothingness is what we have to eat now... Till we take off some weight
Everybody up. Some jumping jacks… warming up for Musaf… The kids aren’t going to be the only ones moving here. I see that gut Frank…
No. We don't support wrestling in the shul. The guests are gone... Those kids are crazy. You don't body slam somebody onto the Bima...
 
We don’t want the Peskobergs creating.
 
Rivka’s Rundown
 The sermon lasted an extra half hour as the rabbi wanted to get in a full aerobics class.
The congregation is out of shape. Very out of shape. It’s all the holiday food.
The average congregant has put on thirteen pounds. And some are still walking around with purple Kiddish tongues, from the ten Kiddishes per week over the holiday season.

The rabbi's nothingness list was inspirational. Especially when he mentioned the board and the amount of runs scored in the interhul baseball league.
 
And the way the kids left the shul. He knows what nothingness is.
 
How the rabbi turned donations into Godly, because that is how you create, is the greatest appeal of all time. And it wasn't even an appeal day
 
Apparently, the rabbi thinks pledges are something you’re supposed to pay.
Some people say the secretary is very rude with her payment requests. Especially the ones from eight or more years ago. She says stuff like, 'You should pay your pledges.' That offends people.
People truly don't pay. I even got a bill. I paid up, but they assumed that no members paid. She did threaten to turn off the electricity to our house.

People owe a lot for the MIshebeyrachs. Making everybody wait, there should be an extra fee. A fifteen dollar fee per name. The rabbi is right.
It’s like gambling for them. How much is a Mishebeyrach worth? They don’t know. They put down 180 dollars and they expect for the whole family to be healthy. I would hedge my bets and put down eighteen dollars on a Mishebeyrach. No more.

People are now saying somebody else flipped their cards. They’re accusing the executive director of rigging the cards. The congregants have now lost their trust in the November elections.
 
Simchat Torah had everybody worried. There was a weak guy on Hagba. We need to test these people. He had weak wrists. It's not hard to check out their bench press before having them lift the Torah. 
Everybody was worried. The flipping the Torah backwards Simchat Torah Hagba trick, had everybody turning their heads. I don’t want to fast for forty days, because this guy can't hold up a Torah from the least advantageous angle. From now on I’m skipping Simchat Torah in shul.
 
People are still tired from the holidays and Simchat Torah. But they're still eating.
 
The rabbi is right. He's right about everything. The grandkids and nephews and nieces are crazy. Literally crazy. Since they left, now the kids can only play tag in the shul. The rabbi had to give them an activity, other than carpet sliding, sliding down the Bima rails and body slamming.
There is now a list of games that can be played in the hallway. The quiet game did not sell.
The Peskobergs are annoying.