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American Jewish Life
•(JTA) Food Vendors return to the stadiums, which means there is kosher food at the baseball games. Anybody who is a kosher Jew who vegan and only drinks Coke will have no problem finding food at stadiums throughout America. To quote one Jewish fan in Baltimore, where they serve kosher hot dogs at Camden Yard, 'Now I have a reason to go to the game. Before they brought back the food, I had no idea what I was doing at this thing.' SHUL LIFE •As pandemic rules loosen, Kiddishes, post service snacks, are back. In response to food being served, attendance at shul is back up, along with attendance at Baltimore Orioles games. They would serve Kiddish at Orioles games, but they know that nobody would pay; they would just show up late and eat a lot. With the rise in attendance, shuls still can't get a Minyin. As expressed by a member of the shul board, 'We come for the Kiddish. If the Kiddish is at 11:30am, that is when I am showing up. I pray for a piece of meat in my choolante. I don't need to show up for Shacharit for that prayer.' Many congregations are starting to serve Kiddish at 9am, so that members will be there for the prayer services too. Israel •Israelis are starting to give people sixty and over a third shot. Some would like their pension. They are happy the government is at least giving them a shot. It's a start. •Ben and Jerry's makes statement that their ice cream cannot be sold in the "territories" (JPost). Little do they know that nobody in "the territories" can afford their ice cream. At $8 a pint at the supermarket this news is extremely irrelevant to anybody living in the settlements. Ben and Jerry's also says they're not going to renew their license in Israel. Neither will the Kibbitzer staff (that addition is from Tzachi who lives in Haifa and has gotten a lot of speeding tickets. The police will arrest him if he drives). Bibi has been fighting this Ben and Jerry's decision to not sell in Israel fiercely, as he really likes ice cream. Finally, a cause that all the Likud can get behind. First it was the British Mandate, then independence, then intifadas, then Phish Food ice cream. Ben and Jerry, the founders, say they support Israel and their former company's decision, as they made clear that they are pro-Israel and pro-Israel's destruction. Now Israelis are trying to figure out how they will be able to eat ice cream. They've gotten too used to adjectives, nouns and adverbs in their flavor's names. As many Israelis have said, 'I cannot go back to Vanilla. I need adjectives and people's names on my ice cream. I don't do Vanilla unless if there is a Chunky Monkey in it.' (Rachel, of the Kibbitzer, is angry at Ben and Jerry and she is happy to finally be able to eat normal ice cream that tastes good, and doesn't hide behind names and weird concoctions that mess up a nice vanilla chip ice cream with cherries- Rachel truly does not like Ben and Jerry's ice cream. It's too hard and it is not at all creamy. She also doesn't like Cherry Garcia's music, whoever he is). If they cared about Israel, Ben and Jerry's would've at least come out with some flavors like SettleMint Chip, and Jerusalem of Gold Coffee Caramel (they have that brownish goldish color, sometimes). It would've been nice if there was a Shlomi Garcia. And many have known all along that Chubby Hubby is an anti-Semitic slur that Ben and Jerry's was using to define Ashkenazik men. To Ben and Jerry's, let it be known that we are not chubby, we retain water. (Mark takes offense to chubby Jews and is worried Ben and Jerry's will try to kick them out of the settlements). Sports •Qualifying for the Olympics in 2020, that didn't happen, Beatie Deutsch is an inspiration to all the Jewish women who are now ready to compete in a skirt and leave their children at home. To quote a mother of eight from the Settlements, who chooses to remain anonymous, 'When I saw her out there for two and half hours in the middle of that run, without her children anywhere near her, I understood why she was doing it. I know why she chose the marathon.' To quote another mom who doesn't want to lose the love of her family, 'If my kids needed something, I could compete. I run out of the house real fast.' The orthodox Jewish mother, Beatie 'Deutsch was featured in Adidas’ “Impossible is Nothing” campaign (JTA).' Though it is impossible to have competed in the 2020 Olympics, competing a such a high level, she proves to all that you can be an athlete even if you're Jewish. Other than baseball, we did not know this was possible. •Lydia Jacoby won a gold medal. She is not Jewish, but has been considered Jewish by many since winning the gold medal. It is Jewish tradition to accept people as Jewish, if they have a Jewish name, when they win a championship. Adidas may offer her a deal where she brings pride to all the Christians, letting them know they too can be athletes. They need a win too. Christians should know they can be athletic. LOCAL ANTI-SEMITISM - SPECIAL REPORT •Yes. It still exists. •Robin Wilt, a town councilwoman in Rochester NY's Brighton neighborhood, with a large Jewish population, has made it clear to the Jews that she doesn't like them. As she says about Jews, "Friends were just bigots themselves, lying in wait to excoriate a Black woman." We at the Kibbitzer would disagree with Robin, but that would make us bigots. Whatever Robin believes, let it be known we agree with her. To quote Robin: “I know it’s hard in a town that has a significant Jewish population to stand up for Palestinian human rights.” She hashtaged 'free Palestine.' We are trying to understand this. It's hard in a town with Jews? It's hard to say that Jews don't belong in Israel in a town with Jews? It's hard in a town with Jews to call Jews bigots? Much of the Jewish community of Rochester is not happy. We do empathize with Robin, as she has it very hard. It's hard to hate Jews in a town of Jews. It's hard to say you hate Jews when you're representing them. It's hard to call them bigots and tell them that Israelis should die. It's hard on Robin. It's very hard to speak out against Jews when there are so many Jews living in your town. We agree with her and empathize. We've tried hating Jews, but it's hard to hate Jews and have them want to read your material when you're a Jewish magazine. We understand that it's hard for her to say she hates Jews, and it's the fault of the Jews living in Brighton. We apologize on behalf of the Jews of Brighton for being Jewish. They should be ashamed. Keep strong Robin. This is the first time Jews have ever complained about having leaders that hate them. Until Bibi connected with them on ice cream, he also didn't like most of the Jews in Israel. To quote a resident, who would like to remain anonymous, as their question is racist, 'We are trying to figure out when working on the Brighton Town Council has became an international position, with need to comment on foreign affairs. We are still trying to figure out how rockets from Gaza affects the budget at French Road Brighton Elementary School.' In Robin's defense, she is an official in a small town in Upstate New York, and she has no idea what Palestine is. She also knows nothing about Israel or its history. She also doesn't know that Israel has many arab citizens. She has the right to express her opinions. She feels very passionate about them. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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JEWISH WORLD
•Showing that they won't give into terrorism, the ADL responds to attacks on Israel and on the streets of their country with a rally online. The message was spread to those who made plans to be there. Jews who support the ADL saw the online rally of themselves. Remaining true to their stance, making a strong statement with a strong Jewish voice, the ADL muted all the Jews who attended. •Mayim Bialik is now hosting Jeopardy. 'Mark of the Kibbitzer.' Answer is, 'Who is Mayim's next husband?' (That was Mark's contribution at the table this week. He has a crush on Mayim, ever since Blossom.) •After the two day holiday of Shavuot, the average 5’6” Jew now ways 215 pounds. They cannot take it off. •Online Simchas reported less weddings this past year. People don't meet when they're not allowed to. STYLE •The Tzitzis hanging out of the shirt, is back. The pocket Tzitzis hold is not in fashion. This season, it's Tzitzis fully out and a long woolen coat. ISRAEL •The new Israeli Unity Government is now formed with parties that hate each other. Being that there is unity, now people can hate each other more closely. Many are hoping for this unity coalition to stick, saying that if there is unity, nothing will happen for the next four years. This makes many Israelis happy. Israeli says, 'If they can't agree on anything within the party, they won't mess anything up.' For those who are worried, they will still have voting booths setup, so that people can continue the biannual Jewish tradition of voting for a government that will not happen. •'Andrew Yang (New York politician) tweeted in support of Israel. 'I’m standing with the people of Israel who are coming under bombardment attacks, and condemn the Hamas terrorists' (JTA). We saw him when he said this in the middle of New York City, and not one Israeli was around. WIth this statement of support, Yang has lost his Jewish vote. As a politician he should know better. Jews don't like themselves. To regain the Jewish vote of New York he now has to make it clear that he never meant to offend Jews by showing support for Israel. He let the Jews know that they can be reassured that he will be with them and never support Jews again. •Naftali Bennett is ready for Prime Ministership. He's finally heavy enough. In other sources, he stopped wearing his yarmulke and is now feeling comfortable garnishing Jewish support. •Abbas is mad that Israel won't allow Palestinian elections to take place in Jerusalem, as it is not part of Palestine. Abbas is depending on the Israeli vote. The Israeli vote of Jerusalem is his only hope. To quote his advisor, 'Israelis love voting. They do it all the time. They'll vote if we let them.' Seeing how it works in Israel, Abbas is now trying to form a unity government with parties that he is not unified with. He's hoping Bibi will join him. Being that it's not important to vote in the country that you are voting for, Israel is planning to host their next elections in Moldova. •Simon Cowell is not going to Israel to appear on Israel's talent show, the X-Factor. The bombing of Israel also attacked our voices. •Shouts around the world for changes of Israel's apartheid of Gaza is hitting the streets. To make the foreign entities happy, Israelis are now trying to move to Gaza. ANTI-SEMITISM •Yes. It still exists. People hate Jews. •In support of anti-Semitism, more than 600 singers signed a letter to stop doing concerts in Israel. I didn't even know there were 600 singers that people care about. (Rachel makes a decent point- as we could only name forty singers outside of Madonna and Mordechai Ben David) In support of BDS, the singers are boycotting their own shows. Many of the 600 singers called off all their shows this summer, when they realized that nobody bought tickets. When asked why no tickets were bought, a customer answered, 'We never heard of them.' Israeli singers are baffled. Aviv Gefen and Mosh Ben-Ari have no idea what to do. Not enough people in Europe understand Hebrew for Subliminal's raps to go over. Sarit Hadad is now trying to get gigs in Jordan. The Israeli singers have learned that outside of Israel, there's not much of a market for Israeli music. Now they're stuck waiting for the Jewish Federations to bring them in for Yom HaAtzmaut. The 600 singers of the world are calling for a group song, as that is what singers do. Ever since We Are The World, they've tried, but nothing has worked. The beginning of the song goes, 'We're not the Jews. We're not the children. We've never been to Gaza or Jerusalem. There's a choice we're making. We've hated Jews our whole lives... I am Jewish. I am not chosen...' *Disclaimer: This is nobody's opinion. If any of Jews in the News This Week is offensive to you, it's satire. If something isn't funny, it's satire. If you don't get it, or it's not factually correct, you disagree with it and it's satire. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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HOME STYLE
•Front lawns are used for the lawn chairs. Bring your backyard into the front and live the bungalow life. Chana Rachel says, 'You can't afford to bring yourself to The Mountains. Bring The Mountains to you, and turn your neighborhood into the bungalow you've always wanted.' FINANCES •Property value in the religious neighborhood of Flatomer is down due to bungalow style summer living on the front lawns. City councils are claiming that property values will go back up when the Fisher Price slides go to the backyard. Benches in the front yard are fine, as is full on jungle gyms. The message is 'No Fisher Price on the front lawn.' Statement from City Councilman, 'Nobody wants to interact with their neighbors in a neighborhood.' ISRAEL •Local Palestinian explains, 'The weather is nice enough. Sun is out. It's the perfect time for terror. When you attack, you at least want a chance at a decent tan.' •Hamas celebrates Jerusalem Day by sending rockets into Israel. Israel is being blamed for lack of fireworks used in the country's celebrations. Hamas claims that once their rockets meet an interceptor it looks joyous (that was Mark's addition for the week). •Now that many have received the vaccine, Hamas is back out there, attacking Israelis. To quote, 'What kind of suicide bomber would take a chance with COVID? That's not safe.' AMERICA •JStreet honors Jimmy Carter for his lifetime dedication to Israel. As stated, 'We want to thank President Carter for his commitment to Israel. Nobody has spoken out more against Israel in the past 45 years.' ON A HAPPY NOTE •We hope to have that next week. JEWISH •Mother's Day goes by and the kids still didn't call. As the Jewish mothers said about their kids living at home, 'They never call.' (This was Rachel's contribution. She felt we needed a traditional Jewish style joke in the Jewish section. She even threw in the second day holiday joke, for mothers who live outside of Israel.) •In preparation for Shavuot, Ashkenazi Jews claim to not be lactose intolerant, so they can eat cheesecake. Community members protest, ‘Whatever it takes. Nobody will stop us from eating cheesecake.’ SHUL POLITICS •Classifieds: We're starting our third breakaway Minyin from the shul. Looking for a tenth man to make a statement that we don't like the rabbi. We promise no speeches. We promise to not interrupt your conversation in the middle of Torah reading. ANTI-SEMITISM •They still hate the Jews. •JTA reports, 'The Guardian says supporting the pro-Zionist Balfour Declaration in 1917 was a mistake.' Readership is up as The Guardian takes a stand against themselves. As stated, ‘We mean what we write. Our word is final.’ The Guardian was trying to support the anti-Zionist Declaration. To quote, 'It was a mistake. It sounded so good when Balfour declared it. That letter, and his British accent sounded so beautiful... We were trying to support the anti-Zionist Declaration of Simon, who said, "Get the Jews out of my neighborhood. I don't like kosher pizza."' What allows the staff to take back the words written in 1917? It's the Guardians 122 year old writers. *Disclaimer: This is nobody's opinion. If any of Jews in the News This Week is offensive to you, it's satire. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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Israel has been opening up, but mass public gatherings are still not happening around the world. So how can we celebrate Yom Yerushalayim, Jerusalem Day, you ask? We celebrate together, away from each other.
Here are some traditions of my home town of Jerusalem and some ways you can celebrate Yom Yerushalayim either at home in Israel or at home in the Diaspora. Sing Songs About Jerusalem “Jerusalem of Gold” is a classic Hebrew song, written in 1967. Singing songs you don’t understand is a great way to celebrate Jerusalem. Singing in your not native tongue is a beautiful Jewish tradition, as it makes it more meaningful when you don't understand the words. It feels like shul. For even more meaning, write your own song about Jerusalem. Don’t be scared. None of the two-thousand guitar carrying people I’ve met in Jerusalem, have shied away from this. It’s not complicated. I will teach you the secrets. Play any chord on the guitar and say “Jerusalem.” Any chord is fine, as long as you repeat the word "Jerusalem." Other words that can be added are “peace,” “gold,” and “city of.” How you organize those words is up to you. “Flowing with” also works, even though it’s hard to find something that rhymes with “flowing," and it's hard to find a body of water in Jerusalem. As any decent folk singer would, make sure that you enunciate the word “Jerusalem” correctly, with an emphasis on “lem”; otherwise, your song will not touch the heart. Kotel Services in Your Home Pray with a lot of noise in the background. That will help you feel like you’re at the Kotel with its 100 simultaneous Minyanim. As you may have seen, at the Kotel, they're taking the social distancing very seriously, with closed off areas. The new quarantined areas have been set up so that people in groups of a hundred are six feet away from other groups of a hundred people. Israeli Dancing Socially Distanced This makes for much less injury during the Hora. The arm raise section can be quite dangerous. Countless times I have been hit by long armed people at four feet, with happy intention at Bar Mitzvahs. Six feet is the key. This is also a more religious way of doing Israeli dancing amongst men and women. Jerusalem Stone There is nothing more meaningful than walking the sidewalks of Jerusalem, made of its own stone. A feeling of holiness that cannot be duplicated without slippery floors. To bring this Jerusalem neighborhood feeling to your home, find any decently tiled kitchen, pour water on it and walk in your socks. If you get severely hurt, that is on you. I am covering myself legally here. I would also not suggest you drink OxiClean for health. Army Bases Visiting army bases and bunkers that were active during the Six Day War is a beautiful way to spend the holiday. In quarantine, you can relive the bunker experience in your basement with live streaming and Amazon Prime. FroYo Translated into English, this means ground up fruits and sweets in ice cream. You can celebrate this Jerusalem favorite, frozen yogurt that tastes good, by going to a decent frozen custard style dessert establishment, such as Carvel. Putting on weight is the root of all holiday traditions. This holiday, you can finally enjoy yourself knowing you will get heavy. I would suggest falafel, but all of you in the Diaspora already making it. In Israel, falafel is not a celebratory food. It's something you eat in the middle of a hard day, where somebody is underpaying you, when you have no time to eat. But, when you're in America, it's a delicacy. That's what happens when they call it a falafel sandwich and charge $10. See the Dead Sea products you bought for other staff that is of elegance and value because you paid way too much. Parade with Cars Probably no walking parades this year waving flags. Instead, lineup cars throughout your city. Built up traffic is a great way to celebrate and get people mad. Be sure to beep your horn. That will add to the festive experience, also bringing the downtown Jerusalem experience of waiting at a red and getting beeped for not moving. The best part of beeping outside of Israel is that you can bring the anti-Semitic tradition of beeping at Jews to your festival, yourself. And this year, hang a real flag out your car. The mini flags are pathetic. If you’re going to have something flying off your car when you open your window by accident, it might as well be something big. If you’re going to litter, do it right. Protest No Jerusalem Day event would be replete without a protest. You can’t socially distance a parade, but you can socially distance a protest. You do this by treating people as protesters, having them stand off to the side of the road. If we can’t walk together, we can at least successfully protest together. If you’re not in Israel during these times, you can stand by the curb and yell at cars passing. Words like “shame,” “why are you walking?!” and "Jew" added to any sentence, can bring the full Diaspora Yom Yerushalayim experience to your town. Descend Upon the Street in Song If singing songs of peace causes shouts of “oppression,” you’re celebrating right. I just caution you to be careful. Jews singing “Jerusalem of Gold” can easily be misconstrued as political tyranny. Vote It’s going to happen again, soon. I believe we celebrated last Yom Yerushalayim with elections. I am not sure if this is a Yom Yerushalayim tradition yet. It might be a new way of celebrating the monthly moon of our lunar calendar. Buy a Jerusalem Product I just bought one last Yom Yerushalayim in the shuk. It said “made in China.” I’m sure you can join in supporting Jerusalem’s unity by purchasing a couple of these products on eBay. They send to Israel as well. It may take some time to ship the flags and Menorahs from Shanghai. This makes for a good chance to celebrate Yom Yerushalayim Sheni (second), allowing you to commemorate properly, with Jewish artifacts from China. Mifletzet In Israel, parents have a tradition of taking their children to see this every Yom Yerushalayim, as we are sure Mitushelach would’ve enjoyed going down this slide. It’s a shame he didn’t live long enough. Known in English as “The Monster,” this is the famous slide of Jerusalem. That’s what kids get when their city has no amusement park. A slide that gives them nightmares. A three tongued monster that allows you to slide of its mouth. For Yom Yerushalayim, be sure to scare your children with fun activities. I’m not suggesting to reenact the Six Day War. Bring them games they’re afraid to play. The new Armistice Line game I created, where you have to balance yourself on a beam and get pelted if you fall off the wrong side, will definitely bring them a sense of connection. It’s kind of like freeze tag, but played with people that genuinely hate you. You can even take the Jerusalem lion and chase the children around the house with it. Even scarier, take them to the Mifletzet. I can’t tell you how many people who grew up in Jerusalem that told me, “I haven’t been to the Mifletzet since I was five.” Why? Because they got scared. If you really want to share in the Jerusalem experience this Yom Yerushalayim, go to any store that doesn’t mark prices on their products, where the staff is yelling, and you will feel like you’re at the shuk. I truly hope that you now feel more connected to Jerusalem. Come visit us soon. We look forward to yelling at you again. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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RELIGION
•JPost reports, 'Jerusalem Rabbinate requires beards in job application for (kashrut) inspectors.' They don't just want the hair in the food. They want it in the job applications as well. Kosher restaurants have an average of five more hairs in meat dishes, due to the uncontained beard hair. The average beard hair of a rabbi is eight times as long as that of a chef. The Rabbinate has been accused from many Chareidi Jews of not having a trustworthy enough kosher certificate, as many inspectors are not always present in the restaurants. They now fight back, as noted, 'All can trust our Kosher certificate when there is a hair in the meal. That is how you know the rabbi is there.' SPORTS •Iran is banned from judo competition, for the next four years, for telling their athletes to avoid Israelis in competition (TOI). This is sound judo tactic. Why anybody would want to be thrown to the ground is baffling. (this was Mark's addition- he has never been in a fight or competed as an athlete) The Iranian athletes are not happy, as this is their only chance to fight Jews. •'David Cohen can become the first Jewish jockey to win a Kentucky Derby' (JTA). Other Jews will be at the Kentucky Derby, continuing a long standing tradition achieved by many Jews, losing a lot of money. WORLD •The Rover just made oxygen on Mars. What Jewish people are willing to do to get another Pesach hotel. (Rachel put this one in- She was in Florida this Pesach and as she said, 'It was too hot there.') Anti-Semitism Still Exists •We can still blame the prices at Bloomingdales on this. •In his rage against losing an illegal real estate deal for his law firm, the Chicago Alderman Ed Burke says it's the Jews and how they do business with Jews. He is sincerely bothered by the schnapps, kichel and herring. To quote Burke (JTA), '"Well, you know as well as I do, Jews are Jews."' The ADL is not happy with this. They are happy with the new falafel stands that offer different flavored balls. The ADL loves those places and put out a statement that they should continue with the zatar balls. The ADL demands that Burke apologize and that nobody ever call Jews 'Jews' again. This has caused people to resort to epithets. Burke is now going to just say, 'The cheap people.' In his defence, he is 77 years old and he didn't even realize that what he was saying was wrong. Many are on his side, as they said, 'What's the problem? We talk about how we hate Jews all the time.' The ADL will not stand for this anymore. Even so, they are willing to compromise and allow people to use the word 'Jew' with an optimistic tone. If it can't be sang in the resolution of a musical number, people may say 'Jews.' •In response to Jews, many have decided to move to France, saying, 'We want to live in an anti-Semite sympathetic country... Finally a court system and refuge that understands us.' ENTERTAINMENT •Jews didn't do well in the Oscars. They were nominated but almost all of them didn't win. Anti-Semites. They only nominated Jews so they can say their name and tell them they lost. *Disclaimer: This is nobody's opinion. If any of Jews in the News This Week is offensive to you, it's satire. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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Falafel with American Tourists4/26/2021
Amereekayis orderring falafel is funny. I tell story.
Ameicano want line He ask, 'Why you no wait line?' So cute. Amereekaiy comee and make line. I say, 'You see falafel, you go to where is.' He look for line. The line is at the ball. I get before heem. I call Israeli friendees of me. Ehhh they come too. Whole neighborhood come and he steeel wait on line. I finish, he steeel line wait. How Much Amereekaiy come and ask how much. 'How much?' Is thees steakeetyada. It no steak. It falafel. 500 shekel. What he sink? Like he ehhhh get reeped off wis all. It's falafel. You pay extra five shekel. You sound funny. You speak wis that Americano accentee. Dis no good. Come to falafel stand, like ehhhhh, 'what you have heere?' He sell falafel. It falafel stand. Like, they want salat. You want salat, I give you. I charge more. Dis vhy they ehhhh get reeped off. They ask like idiote. I no ask, I take. He say 'why dis.' I say 'yes dis.' We both say 'I do you do.' So we do. Very funny. Want deal? Falafel deal? What Amereekaiy sink? You get deal on all? Everyting ehhhh sale. He sink dis eees ehhh Marshall's. He look for clearance rack. No clearance rack at Amos Falafel. 'Falafel balls from last season. Three month old falafel, we give deal.' Always want deal. American sink two for price of one. They give two balls for one. He charge five more shekel. Price on wall. Amereekaiy no see it. He sink, zis Amereekaiy, zis falafel shuk. What he bargain? Like ehhh 'Two falafel for 20.' Zer sign here. And he walk away wis no drink. It say ploose drinkeee. He no read math? No Spicey Two hours zey wait on line. He get to order. Wait. Somebody cut heem in middle of heees question about deal. He finally order. He say, 'No Chareef.' No spicey? What you eat zen? Ehhh. Dis no gefilte feesh. So ehhh zey wait two hour for no spicey hot gefilte feesh balls. Deeees so funny. I stay. I eat two falafels. Laugh. And he pay. I tell you of knew Olim next time. Why they move America? ***From Kibbitzer Staff: Sorry about the grammar. We tried. Spellcheck didn’t work. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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RELIGION
•People of Israel are reporting lost objects from yards. Lag BOmer is coming up this week. Which means kids in Israel are collecting all wood. All people of Modiin and Beit Shemesh are being warned to watch over their homes and to ensure that their doors are still there by the end of Thursday night. Quoting a local mom, 'The kids will take anything that burns.' •Yeshiva University is planning to put a stop on inperson Hebrew courses. JTA reports, 'The new Hebrew courses will be asynchronous, meaning students will not interact in real time with a teacher.' They are hoping this will help with Conversational Hebrew 101. SPORTS •Julian Edelman, is retiring from football. Julion won MVP of Super Bowl LIII and became recognized as Jewish at that exact moment. Due to his retirement, the non-acceptance of patrilineal descent may be back. As the Jewish pride window of MVP is already past, Edelman may not be considered Jewish by orthodox standards anymore. Julian Edelman will now be asked to convert, or he will have to join Tom Brady on the Buccaneers. •Deni Avdija's ended his rookie year with an injured ankle. This would be considered an act of anti-semitism, but nobody touched him. I did see people clapping when they wheeled him off the court. Some say it's support. They were really clapping because they were happy the coach had to take the Jew out of the game. •As Edelman and Avdija are not bringing anymore Jewish pride, and Jewish educators can't find a way for youth to connect to Judaism through Torah (as that is not how people connect to Yiddishkeit), the Jewish people are trying to find a way for Steph Curry to be Jewish. Talks in the world of Jewish pride has even brought up bringing back of Goldberg as a geriatric WWE star, so that Jewish children will want to remain Jewish and wrestle. ENTERTAINMENT •The new season of Shtisel is up, which means Jews are not showing up to shul. As one rabbi said, 'Just as everybody in our community has been vaccinated and shuls are opening, Jews are still not leaving their homes. We're praying that our community finishes the series.' For the young children reading this, Shtisel is not a new form of Israeli breaded chicken. (this was Mark's addition- he added nothing else to the commentary) STYLE •The Kippah is now being worn on the front, right side of the head. As summer approaches, the Kippah sticking out of the black hat is back. •New in suburban Jewish communities of New Jersey, aerobics. Sheitels (wigs) are being used while working out. As one woman said, 'It's modest headgear with a sweatband type elastic. It also keeps my hair out of my eyes.' Jewish men still refuse to exercise, claiming it ruins the enjoyment of choolante. ISRAEL •Mohmoud Abbas will address J Street at their annual conference. J Streeters are extremely proud of the auspicious day, saying, 'Finally an Israeli leader we can get behind.' The conference is also hoping to host Al Sharpton and Eddie Vedder. All guests are being brought in to speak about Jewish pride and love of Israel. WORLD •'Sweden’s Minister of Justice announces support for ban on Holocaust denial,' making it illegal (World Jewish Congress). The Holocaust deniers do not recognize the ban. As they said, 'We deny that too.' Caught up in their very desire to be contrary, the deniers have decided to deny that they believe that the Holocaust didn't happen. Anti-Semitism Still Exists •It's still there. *Disclaimer: This is nobody's opinion. If any of Jews in the News This Week is offensive to you, it's satire. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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Yom HaAtzmaut, Israeli Independence Day, is coming up this week. Brachot!!!
There are many ways to celebrate Yom HaAtzmaut. In Israel, some throw confetti. Some take white foam and shpritz others that will not appreciate it. I take the white foam cans from the children and whack them with it. The one tradition that all Israelis share is the BBQ at the Park. Saying the Hallel prayer of thanks, waving Israeli flags, and Israeli dancing are not practiced by all. All Israelis agree on eating. So, if you want to celebrate Yom HaAtzmaut like an Israeli, here’s how do the BBQ: Make a Mangal The Known as Mangal, the Israeli BBQ, is tiny. Israel is a small country, and therefore we cook on a BBQ that is too small to cook on. It is traditionally the size of a matchbox. If it can fit both a hotdog and chicken wing on it at the same time, it is too big. You can find these contraptions for outdoor cooking in Israeli grocery stores, such as Super, Giant, Mega, Great, Huge and Gadol, and any other name for extremely big. These supermarkets will also provide you with the necessary food items for the family, such as 50 gram bags of family party size Doritos. To add to the full feel of a holiday, yell at the family. The Mangal allows for great addition to the holidays spirit by yelling at the kids. If they complain, you can respond with, ‘You just had half a hotdog an hour ago. Think of the other people for once!’ Then justify the lack of production, by having people think you are cooking with a crockpot, with sentences like, ‘It is time-cooking, takes time.’ This statement works perfectly with an Israeli accent. To make it a fuller Israeli experience, talk with as much of a lisp as possible. You should also remember to pronounce every silent letter that is not supposed to be there, such as the ‘e’s in ‘people.’ Remember, holidays are about memories, not enjoyment. Do Not Eat Falafel No real Israeli eats falafel on Yom HaAtzmaut. We are celebrating freedom on this day. We are not celebrating the fact that we are located in the Middle East. We are trying to forget that today. I understand that your diaspora community serves falafel on this day, but we Israelis celebrate Israel. We are not celebrating extreme uses of oil today. We do that on Chanukah. Shawarma is fine, as it reminds people of Israel Purchase Chicken Dogs It's most impossible to find beef dogs in Israel. The chicken dog tradition is because we should not enjoy ourselves too much. We must always remember the destruction of the Temple, and not having beef hotdogs is a good reminder. I don’t get it. But that seems to be what people do in Israel. The fact that they look like beef dogs before they are cooked, adds something to the holiday. Again, I do not understand how people are satisfied with this lack of enjoyment; but the Temple was destroyed, and I remember how beef dogs taste. Wave at the Fire The number one Israeli tradition on Yom HaAtzmaut is to Nifnoof. Nifnoofing is the way to keep an Israeli mangal going. The correct Nifnooging practice is to find a piece of cardboard in the trash at the park. Then, you wave at the fire in hopes that it won't stop, by greeting it. Have At Least Men Working on the Mangal You want to cook in quorum form, as it is communal experience. The most manly act, know to man, is BBQ or Mangaling. If you, as a man, see another man there, you want to make sure to claim your spot near the Mangal. Even if you have no Nifnoofing implement, you can still stand there and wave, or talk. Talking by the Mangal also shows your manliness, also known as being a Gever. Note: You don't want to be talking near the salads. Though, talking near the salatim, dips, is acceptable. Do Not Use an Electric or Gas BBQ That is too easy. All good Jewish holidays need preparation and cleanup. You just finished Pesach, you should know this. Go to the Park & Occupy It Don’t just do the BBQ. Go to a crowded park and share in what the world calls the occupation. Bring chairs. When practicing the occupation, you want to be prepared with comfort. A lot of families like to bring couches and tables, so that the other people know that they are moving there. You might want to put together a moving team to help with your refrigerator. It is almost impossible to find a place in the parks on Yom HaAtzmaut. After searching for 5 hours you will find many dads protesting, ‘We have found a spot, we are not leaving… I can care less if you are tired... We still have to get the second chicken dog going on the Mangal...’ If the park is closed this year, to show solidarity, you can pull out a bed and box-spring to your lawn. Bring a Portable Speaker to the Park This will allow you to connect with the modern Israeli tradition of playing the music you like extremely loudly. This also helps with claiming your spot in the park. Many families come to overcrowded parks, walk around blasting Netta Barzilai, and space opens up. You can do this by blasting your own Uncle Moishy with your subwoofers. Blasting that out of the back of your car will definitely chase everybody else out of the neighborhood. Cook on The Ground When you do a Mangal, you want to connect to the land. Israel is holy land, and we therefore connect to it when we eat. You still eat at a table. You're not an animal. So, take over the park or your front lawn. Hang that Israeli flag (if you're in America, don't hang an American flag- Americans will protest that). Blast that Jewish music you love, maybe some Shteeble Hoppers, and get the Hebrew pumping in your veins. Try to find some chicken dogs at some discount store, make that BBQ a Mangal, and wave at it like a good Nifnoofer. Your neighbors might even think you're saying 'Shalom' to them, and start to like the Jews. Remember: It's Independence Day, and as any good American, we Israelis celebrate with a BBQ. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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Coronavirus has affected Israel just like many other countries around the world. We pray that the 14 day quarantine for travelers ends soon, so Jews around the world can get back to eating decent shawarma.
This has of course been devastating for the Israeli tourism industry. But we Jews must always look for an opportunity to see the good in difficult times. We must see the positive. We must always see the blue and white lining. So here is what Israel is like without tourists: People Are Starting to Speak Hebrew I saw no tourists and witnessed something of amazement. People were speaking Hebrew. Hebrew was the main spoken language in the country. even in Jerusalem. Store owners are so relieved to have a break from trying to speak English. And I am relieved to finally understand what they are saying. It made no sense in English. Nobody in the shuk said 'My friend,' or 'My friends' when only talking to me. One proprietor finally spoke to me in Hebrew. He said, 'You're not getting a good deal. I am ripping you off.' I was relieved not to hear his regular English, 'I give you deal. My friends.' This was the first time I returned to the US at peace with how much I spent at the shuk. Falafel Shops Are Finally Charging the Correct Price of Twelve Shekel Falafel is not being sold at 40 shekels anymore. The shuk shopkeepers are even showing prices on their products. They’re not making up prices depending on your accent. Note to Tourists: Due to the coronavirus, the falafel shops are finally clean and the tourists are missing this. The pita loader guys are cleaning their hands after they cough. Coughing in the air with no mouth covering, and sneezing openly, is still happening. I don’t believe we will ever be able to stop that in Israel. I feel bad for the tourists who are missing this new clean falafel. We might be coming on a new age falafel service prototype. If the tourists saw this no coughing into the falafel and weren’t served after the falafel guy sneezed into his hand, tourist falafel sales would go up. I hope it continues when the tourists are back. People Thought Israel Was Attack When we saw no tourists, we thought there was a war. But then we saw CNN and BBC weren't blaming us. We were happy to find out Israel was not under attack and the lack of tourists had nothing to do with anti-Semitism. If they find a way to blame the Jews for being the first contract the virus in China, we're in trouble. I don't know how they will do that, but they will find a way. A Jew might have visited Wuhan over the past forty years. Every City Feels Like Beer Sheva I love Beer Sheva. It’s so quiet. It’s like Israel’s suburbia. Now every city in Israel feels like Beer Sheva. I hope I did my part just now, and more people will move down south. Helping Nefesh B’Nefesh along. Cab Drivers Are Not Beeping Beeping has been cut in half, as cab drivers have less people to initiate fares with. Some people are still beeping. The lack of tourists can’t account for you getting cut off inline at the supermarket and lack of sleep because it was hard to figure out where the thermostat should be at. Honking at people still helps with those fights. There has to be a bit of leeway on the beeping. We need someplace to get out our anger. That’s why people are still driving, Some People Are Less Friendly We're being encouraged not to shake hands. But some people in Israel are taking it a little farther. They see someone they know approaching them and they run to the other side of the street. The belief is that anybody walking has the virus. Otherwise, they would be taking the bus. Once the tourists come back, I’m hoping the service people at the bodega near me will start saying “shalom” again. People have become suspicious of each other as if smiling will help us contract the disease. I wouldn’t mind being called “my friends” again by somebody who doesn’t know me. I miss it. Not as Much Pushing That's a positive in the more crowded areas. With nobody at the Kotel, I wasn't bumped by people trying to catch Barchu. At the Makolet, I had space inline. At the falafel shop, people weren't standing right on me. People aren't cutting me. They’re finally giving me space inline. I still got cut off at the supermarket. Distance doesn't happen there, as the virus never hit supermarkets. They're very conscious of distancing. At the protest, where they try to cause traffic and make people late, the people laying on the sidewalk and the street moved out of the way so that others could pass at a safe distance. After all of this is over, I'm going to let everybody know I am sick. Wherever I go, I'm going to say 'I think I have a cold.' I don't know what buses are like right now, but I have missed out on getting my own seat too many times. The Really Friendly People Are Fist Pounding Israel has turned into a cool country. Even cooler, they’re elbow bumping. That’s the new cool way to say “shalom.” The elbow bump is sweet. I wish the tourists would be in on this and see this new way Israelis are greeting each other. The Holy Land would get an amazing reputation. Security Is Better Than Ever This is the safest time to be in Israel. Mass quarantine helps with security. Airport security has time to focus on the traveler right now. They’re checking every item in those bags. I’ve got to be honest. I never trusted airport security in the first place. Asking me if I’m smuggling stuff from America. They should know I’m smuggling stuff into Israel when I leave Israel with two empty suitcases. Does security think I'm starting a luggage business in the US when I visit family?! I'm starting an electronics and cheap denim business in Israel when I get back. Creating A New Business Model of Tourism Being the savvy business people we are, Israelis still made money. We started running virtual tours, where you pay for a tour and don't go on it. Now, people are touring Israel from America, not coming to Israel, and paying. You can do a tour of the Kotel and not be there. You go to Eilat, virtually, and not get a sunburn. You go to your bathtub and save on the flight. Put salt in the bathtub, lay on your back. If your tub is not very deep, you're floating. If you feel a bit of a burn, you get the full Dead Sea Experience.Some tourists came even though they will be locked up for 14 days after arrival. They didn't want to miss the hotel experience. It’s the future of tourism. You still get to eat the huge Israeli hotel breakfast. Then you get two more buffets, daily. And there is no possible way of taking off any weight. You leave Israel with a tour and fifteen pounds of tourism on you. I always wondered why half the Kotel tunnel tour was me sitting at a computer screen near the tunnels. They were forward thinkers. Finally Visiting Cousins Some tourists who already planned their trip and don’t have the money, now have to let the family know they’re in the country. They’ve got no choice -- they have to stay at cousin Shmulik for two weeks. That’s the vacation. Cousin Shmulik and Israeli TV. Until they needed a place to stay, cousin Shmulik didn't even know them. You visit and now cousin Shmulik and his family are bonding with you, because they’re now quarantined by your visit too. Much of The Country Are More Packed Than Ever Much of Israel is more packed than ever. I didn’t realize how much Israelis vacation. When we talk about tourism, we’re talking about Israeli flights to Hungary. That’s the main Israeli tourist market. Budapest is the one that is hurting from the Israel quarantine. It's not that bad. Israel is a country with so much character when tourists aren't around. The tourists should merit to see this. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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Why Israelis Love Voting4/1/2021
We are voting again in Israel. This is only the fourth election for this election. If we’re lucky, there’ll be another election for this election.
In Israel we vote for parties who then decide if they want to join forces. They need to get 61 of 120 Members of Knesset to agree to form a government. Unfortunately, the only thing that these Members of Knesset will agree on is that we are probably going to have another election. Here are some of the reasons why we Israelis vote a lot and love it: We Love the Word “Coalition” It sounds sophisticated. We like Getting Text Messages from Politicians Everybody likes getting texts. It makes us feel wanted. We don’t know these people, but it’s exciting to hear that beep and see that Bibi’s getting in touch with me again. He wants me to vote for him. He’s very needy, always texting me. I would block him, but I feel like we are bonding. These texts are more exciting than the stuff I get from my friends. I just got one that said it’s a mitzvah to vote. My friends aren’t creating new Jewish laws. Only politicians can do that. We Enjoy That Blue Memory Game Set In order to vote we have to pick out the white cards that signify our party of choice from the blue case and put them in a white envelope and then into a blue box. We love this because it’s very Zionistic. It’s also a fun game to try and find the correct letters of your party. They make it even more exciting by giving you letters to choose from that have nothing to do with the name of the party. It’s fun figuring out how a letter like “z” represents the Likud party. We Need a Day Off This is the country’s way of finally giving us a Sunday. For those who are unaware, Sunday is a regular work day in Israel and some Israelis (me) complain about this mercilessly. Israel’s way of a giving us a day off every five or six months is to let us vote. What are we voting for? Sundays. Voting is a Holiday It’s a festival. We love the joyous feeling. Every voting day people are nice. They say “shalom.” They give you stickers. They smile at you. I would vote every day if that meant that the guy working the bodega didn’t look angry when I went to pick up milk. Who doesn’t love stickers?! You get a smiley with the name of the party with the politicians you hate. You get to walk around and wear the sticker and people say the Israeli adage kol hakavod (“all the honor) because they think you gave blood. You know what I would love? Scratch and sniff stickers. Every party would have its own scent. Election Day would smell like a trip to the department store. The Country is Accomplishing Stuff This is actually the Israeli Peoples’ secret plan to keep the politicians from being involved in running our country. The government is finally doing something. When the government is not being run by people, they get stuff done. The garbage is being picked up. Construction around the country is at an all-time high. Another company with the name Maccabi was started. That’s how I judge progress in Israel, when another agency acquires the name “Maccabi.” Once politicians form a Knesset, it’s over. They get their committees going. That’s how you halt progress, with committees. That’s how you end something good, you meet about it. Just ask your shul’s ritual committee. We Believe Every Party Should Have a Chance to Win We embrace the millennial ideology. Everybody’s a winner. The first time it was Blue and White. Last time it was Likud. We should get Kadima in there and give them another chance to be winners. People Change Their Minds Can you imagine if you voted once and that was it? I can’t. That would mean that my decision was final. I can’t take that pressure. It’s the same reason I can’t walk into an ice cream parlor. Too much pressure. There are too many choices. If I take the Butter Nut Supreme and it’s not a tasting spoon, I’m stuck with it. I don’t want to be stuck with my decisions. Politicians change their minds too. They were representing the Russian immigrants. Now it’s about lowering taxes. Then it was fudge brownie ice cream. Now they must vote on the comfortable Knesset seats. People lose their minds to get those things. They’re very plush. Parties Have to Negotiate Have you ever been to the shuk? Have you ever negotiated in the Middle East? Negotiations for a darbuka hand drum can take a good half hour. That costs anywhere from fifteen dollars to five hundred dollars, depending on how much time you have to negotiate. Now imagine you are negotiating for the soul of Israel or at least a much larger darbuka. These parties have to now join together on foreign policy and make decisions on domestic rules such as if Maccabi should be the name for everything in Israel. We don’t take this lightly. We Like Second Chances If second chances are good, shouldn’t third and fourth chances be better? Too many people make mistakes when voting the first time. They’re ill informed. Now, we get to vote again and again and make a mistake this time too, just a different mistake. By the Time I Vote Again I Might Know What is Going On I don’t know the difference between Likud and New Right or Labor and Kadima anymore. Truth: I just go into the booth and pick a white card with a letter on it. I have no idea what it means. It’s a Hebrew “Reish” and it represents “green.” There’s a Hebrew “Pei” and “Lamed” and that is the Israel is our Home Party. I really don’t know. I pick a different one each time. It looks like the memory game. I was never good at that game. And I was never good at Hebrew. I just hope my vote does not make a difference. If anybody is giving out scratch and sniffs, representing Sundays and decent deals on darbukas, I am voting for them. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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That Seder started in the 1970s. That's how long a Seder can take when everybody shares their thoughts about the four sons. (Photo: Ted Spiegel - Ted’s probably getting Karet for this picture, unless if they started the Seder a day early to fulfill the family's hankering for Matazh)
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7/29/2021
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